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Black Fatherhood

Neil Irvin, executive director of Men Can Stop Rape

In 2012 I was selected for the second cohort of Move to End Violence, a program that engages movement leaders working to end gender-based violence in the United States, and that’s how I met Neil Irvin, who was a fellow in the first cohort. While I had heard of his incredible work as a male ally in the fight for gender equity and as executive director of Men Can Stop Rape, it wasn’t until I saw him give a keynote at Black Women’s Blueprint Words of Fire: Sex, Power, and a Black Feminist Call for Social Justice Conference in April 2017 that I witnessed his brilliance firsthand. I was at the conference to receive the Black Feminist Rising award and present a workshop on Parenting for Liberation. My husband accompanied me to the conference, and I was happy that he wasn’t the only Black man in the room in solidarity with Black women making a call for feminism. I was surprised that a man was being given such a huge platform, but Neil showed up and cleared up any questions I had about a man’s role in the feminist movement. Neil reflected on Black fatherhood, gender equity in the household, the responsibility of Black fathers keeping Black children safe, the role of Black male role models, and much more. He acknowledged how men can either be complicit in the violence or be counterparts in upending patriarchy. Following his talk, I invited him on the podcast and intentionally aired the episode on the eve of Father’s Day. Here are some snippets of our conversation:

Power of Language

“Whether in school or in our home, language and communication is key to preparing our children to start their journey of learning, for the rest of their life. You are able to read a story to the child while it’s still in the womb, so that it’s getting used to the pattern and the tone of your voice. I experienced that reading to my children when they were in their mother’s womb and when they came out at a certain point when they were more developed, I would be rereading stories that they had read when they were in their womb.

“When our children were infants, we never talked ‘baby talk’ to them. There’s a field of research in terms of early childhood development related to infants’ ability to comprehend. It’s the same reason why they talk about children’s ability to learn languages more easily when they’re younger.

“Language is important. Communication is important. It’s not only for us to be able to brag about how smart our children are, but it’s for them to be able to defend themselves. We want them to be able to tell us and use the appropriate words. Our six-year-old son knows the words penis and vagina and can talk about them in developmentally appropriate ways. God forbid anything ever happens to any of our children, but we want to make sure that they know how to use the right words and communicate properly so that they’re not misled or hurt.

“As parents, we were clear that we were preparing our children to be able to make sound decisions when they leave us based on critical-thinking skills. Those critical-thinking skills get shaped by gaining social-emotional intelligence—how they learn compassion, sympathy, empathy, anger, frustration. They have to know that about themselves, be able to detect those things for themselves. Then the other piece that we know is important for all people, whether children or adults, but the three things that shape personality, our nature, nurture, and environment.”

Fathering Daughters

“It is important to me that my daughters know that whatever relationship they choose in their life, that relationship is going to be a reflection of what they’ve learned from their mother and me. I want them to know that no one will love them more than me so that they will not be manipulated, tricked, or seduced. Just because someone buys them a bouquet of flowers or a hot dog, it doesn’t mean love, because they’ve seen what real love is. They’ve experienced it, been connected to it. They know how it feels. I want that for my own children, and for students we work with in the community through my organization, Men Can Stop Rape.”

Modeling Healthy Masculinity

“When I work with girls through Men Can Stop Rape, I am very clear that I model the ability to have appropriate adult relationships; intergenerational relationships with adult men who can role model healthy masculinity. I want to be an example, particularly as a Black man, of how to follow our female colleagues, their leadership, respecting their guidance, their intellect, their expertise, and collaborate with one another.

“It’s important for our girls to see women who are able to work with men and it not be about a romantic relationship. It’s about accomplishing a task or a goal. Unfortunately, a lot of our girls learn to interact with men through sexuality—the way that they want to communicate with young men is through a flirtation. Instead, it’s really important that girls are allowed to be girls and be safe enough to not have to use what we think are stereotypical kinds of characteristics to define themselves to be authorized in the space.”

Black Male Accountability

“What I know is that in this country, for five hundred years, Black children have been vulnerable to a system of white supremacy that does not value them. Our children are being inundated by the media, and affected by random acts of violence, white supremacist violence, and gender-based violence. I have the most respect for adults who prioritize creating environments where young people are safe; and if you are creating an environment where young people aren’t safe, you’re doing harm to them and that harm ultimately spills outside of that home, into the larger community, but most importantly it impacts that child for their life. I think if our community is going to overcome some of the challenges that we’re experiencing, and have historically experienced, it’s going to be through our children’s ability to be prepared for a global community.

“The reason many of our Black girls and boys are fleeing and running from homes is that they’re being abused and neglected. That can be everything from not eating regularly to being responsible for caring for small siblings, to not getting enough expectations around school. As a result, children go looking for someone, someplace, some entity to have their needs met. We have to start being more honest about the fact that many of those reasons start with us. It’s really important for Black men to be mindful of how and what space we take up in our home, how we use our authority, how we provide, how we show collaboration, how we give love and receive love. How we listen, how we act. In my opinion, Black men who are in the lives of children and adolescents, but who aren’t routinely holding themselves accountable and responsible for those children’s safety at all times, are doing our community a disservice. It’s not about the Ku Klux Klan or neo-Nazis in the Black community. If you are an uncle, brother, father, or a neighbor—I’m all of those things—who is crossing boundaries and harming children, then you need to be rooted out of the community and held accountable. The rest of us, as a community, need to make sure that those kinds of things don’t happen moving forward. I take very seriously that we create spaces and environments and families and homes where Black children are not being made vulnerable to violence that some Black men are perpetrating against them.

“We, as Black men, must always be accountable to Black girls and women and their safety, and to make sure that we’re not just surviving as a community, but that we get to a place where we’re thriving. The expectation is that, at all times, a Black child is most safe in the presence of Black adults.”

As an adult who has worked in the gender-based violence movement for over fifteen years, I have very rarely shared that I am a survivor of child sexual abuse; however, during my conversation with Neil, my inner girl-child was seen, heard, and affirmed. Through Neil’s accountability as a Black man, my childhood Black girl self who had been taken advantage of by a male family friend, feels comfort and safety.

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Liberated Parenting Strategy

This conversation with Neil counteracts an ongoing myth around Black fathers as absent or inactive in their children’s lives. A Center for Disease Control report³ issued in December 2013 found that Black fathers had the most daily involvement with their children compared to any other group of fathers. Because Black fathers are engaged and active in Black children’s lives, Neil is inviting us into a deeper, more intimate reflection about the role, responsibilities, and engagement of these very active Black fathers. Please note this reflection isn’t limited only to fathers—anyone who has relationships and contacts with Black children can reflect on this.

During our conversation, Neil spoke on the disproportionately high number of missing Black girls in his hometown of Washington, DC, which garnered a spike in media attention in spring 2017. While there was controversy over whether the Black girls were kidnapped and trafficked or had run away, Neil’s invitation here is for us to do the simultaneous reflections on the personal and political factors leading to missing Black girls—exploring both the systems outside the home while interrogating the family structure within the home.

Reflect

Neil calls for us in our multiple roles as fathers (mothers), uncles (aunties), brothers (sisters), neighbors, etc. in the lives of Black children to be accountable to ensuring Black children are safe. Reflecting on your own idea of safety: Did you feel safe as a child? Who kept you safe? How does your experience of safety impact how you see your adult role and responsibilities to keep Black children—not only our own but all Black children—safe?

Practice

Listen or watch the music video for “Runaway Love,” a hip hop song by Ludacris featuring Mary J. Blige. In this song, Ludacris and Mary J. Blige tell the stories of girls between the ages of nine and ten who are living abusive, empty lives with emotionally absent and violent parents. Going through such violence in their homes, the girls are each “trying to figure why the world is so cold … Forced to think that hell is a place called home.”

At the close of the song, Ludacris makes an empathetic plea to the girls:

“Close your eyes

And picture us running away together,

When we come back everything is gonna to be okay,

Open your eyes”

Reflecting on your own experiences of childhood challenges: Who were the people in your life who affirmed your experiences? What kinds of support does your inner child now need to hear from you? Remind your inner child that you are safe.