Читать книгу His Girl Next Door: The Army Ranger's Return / New York's Finest Rebel / The Girl from Honeysuckle Farm - Trish Wylie - Страница 12

Dear Jessica,

It’s funny what you’ve done to me. For all this time I’ve avoided coming home, and now that I want to I don’t know how long it’ll be before I can. If you believe I can make things right with my son, then I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt. Let’s hope we can sit together and laugh one day, and you can say I told you so.

Hope you’re well and that you’re not sick of writing to me yet. You’ve got no idea how your letters bring a smile to this soldier’s face. I haven’t had a lot to look forward to for a while, and your letters make a world of difference.

Here’s to seeing you soon.

Ryan

“PUSH UP AS hard as you can then hold.”

Ryan felt his mouth twist into a grimace. This was hard. Harder than last time, but then he was making himself work as much as he could physically endure.

The physio pushed down on him, forcing him to exert as much energy, as much power, as possible.

“Okay, and relax,” she instructed.

He let his arm drop. The thud started again, the pain that seemed to shoot through every inch of his skin on that side when he exercised too hard. He’d told her the pain wasn’t bad because he wanted to go as hard as he could.

Maybe that hadn’t been such a great idea.

Ryan wiped away the sweat that had formed on his forehead.

“You did good today.”

He gave the physio what he hoped was an innocent smile. “Why don’t we keep going? Another few reps?”

She shook her head, not fooled this time. “You going to tell me again that it doesn’t hurt?”

Ryan reached for his workout towel and wiped it over his face. She had him there. Perhaps she’d seen through his bravado the entire time. Seen the pain in his face each time he pushed himself too far.

“I just want to get stronger again as fast as I can.”

“And I want you to develop your strength slowly, so you can use your arm properly until you’re an old man,” she said tartly.

Ryan laughed. He couldn’t argue with that.

“Can I ask you a personal question?”

He looked up at her. “Shoot.”

“I was just wondering why you boys are always in such a hurry to get back to your unit? I get that you’re all close, but isn’t it nice having an excuse to be home for once?” she asked curiously.

Ryan understood what she was saying. Lots of people seemed to think that way, but they didn’t get what it was like to have such an unbreakable bond with another group of men. To feel that closeness and not want to let your team down. The way he felt about his unit was indescribable. He could probably never find words to explain it.

Maybe if his wife was still alive he’d have finished up in the army already, but now …? Well, now the army was his focus, what kept him going.

“It’s hard to explain,” Ryan said, complying as she flexed his fingers back and stretched his muscles out. “There’s something about not wanting to let your unit down, but it’s also about wanting to do the right thing.”

She smiled, but he didn’t think she understood. Not really.

“It’s not that I want to be redeployed more than being here, but I’m good at it. It’s what I do best.”

He was sure better at that than at being a dad.

“So you still want to get fixed up as soon as possible, right? Get back to wherever it is they want to send you.”

He nodded. “Yes, ma’am.”

She gave him a pat on the back. He could see she didn’t truly get it, but his physio was great at her job. And truth be told, not many civilians could ever understand the bond and camaraderie a good soldier enjoyed with his unit.

“Same time on Tuesday. And don’t leave here until you’ve stretched out some more.”

Ryan watched as she walked away. He sat there, thinking, barely noticing the other people in the room.

He always felt so useless, so powerless when he was here, even though he knew he was making good progress. Because it didn’t matter how hard he tried, he was never as strong as he wanted to be.

Ryan took a deep, long gulp of water before moving to stretch out his muscles some more. He knew he’d be sore in the morning if he didn’t do as she’d said.

He couldn’t help but think that the only time lately he hadn’t thought about his weakness, about what was holding him back physically, was when he’d been with Jessica. Last night he hadn’t thought about his arm once. Even when it had ached as he’d lifted it to touch her face, the pain had been nothing.

Or nothing compared to not letting his skin brush against hers.

He liked that she made him smile. That she listened to him.

That she blushed every time they were close, or the way a smile hinted at the corners of her mouth when he spoke.

For a guy who had sworn to never let another woman close again he sure could have fooled himself. Because when he was with Jessica, close to her, beside her, there was no other place he wanted to be. He couldn’t offer her a future, anything more than a friendship or short-term relationship really, but he’d been honest with her. He was only back for a short time. No matter how much he liked her, his duty was to his unit, and he would be back serving again as soon as he passed the physical.

Maybe one day in the future they could be something more, but right now he didn’t know what his long-term future held. His timing was way off, but he wasn’t going to let that stop him seeing her now.

If only he could repair his relationship with his son, he’d feel like he was making real progress being back here.

He stood and tried to ignore the pain as it twinged through his biceps.

Ryan smiled. He might have said no to the pain medication his doctor had prescribed, but Jessica was purely organic and the best pain relief he could wish for. He dialed her number. He didn’t care if asking her out again tonight was too soon. He wanted to see her and it wasn’t like he had all the time in the world.

If she was up for some fun while he was here, then he wanted to spend as much time with her as he could. Whether that was just hanging out together or something more.

Jessica stretched back and closed her eyes. The sun felt good on her skin. Like it was soaking through her pores to warm her from the inside out.

Hercules’s bark made her open her eyes. He was chasing Bella’s daughter, Ruby, around the yard, running alongside her and bouncing up and down.

Jess laughed. “Better than any toy, right?”

Bella agreed. “Nothing makes her giggle like that dog of yours.”

“You know it’s funny, but I don’t think I could ever tire of hearing that little girl laugh.”

They both sat back to watch the game between dog and child.

Bella was like her sister. When her own sister had died, Bella had been there for her, unwavering in her support even though it had been a lot for another teenager to cope with. And now Jessica liked to be there for Ruby. It was her way of paying Bella back for all she’d done. In the past and when Jess had been sick, too. Bella had never let her down.

Jessica watched as her brother, Steven, pushed himself up off the grass and stretched out his legs. He’d been lying back, swigging on a beer with Bella’s husband, but she figured the barbeque was calling him.

“Are Mom and Dad coming over?”

Steven dropped a kiss to her head as he passed. “Nope. They had some old-folks thing to go to.”

They all laughed at him.

“They’re not that old.”

Steven shrugged. “When you choose bingo over a real night out, you’re getting old.”

Jessica made a noise in her throat but she could hardly reprimand him. Aside from the fact he was her older brother, Steven didn’t mean a word of it. He loved their parents as much as she did.

“You wouldn’t get me a beer would you?” he asked.

This time she stood up and thumped him on the arm. “If you weren’t so charming I’d tell you to get it yourself.”

Steven pouted and made them all laugh again. “Then who’d make you burgers?”

Jess stood up and walked inside. She liked it here. Steven’s place was a bachelor pad, not exactly warm and cosy like her house, but it always felt good. They’d had plenty of good times here, fun times with friends and their little family. It was like her second home.

Jessica reached into the fridge for a six-pack of beer just as her phone rang, vibrating and singing in her jeans pocket.

“Ouch!” She hit her head and almost dropped the beer. Darn phone, she thought. “Hello?”

The voice on the other end made her close the fridge and lean against it.

“Hey, Jess, it’s Ryan.”

She took a moment to catch her breath. Ryan. How could the sound of his voice make her legs wobble like that? Her heart was pounding.

“Hey.”

“I was wondering if you were free tonight?”

Heck. She could hardly bail on her brother and Bella, not when they’d been planning to all catch up together for weeks.

But an offer from Ryan was sure tempting.

“Ah, I’m actually out already. At a barbeque.”

There was a beat of silence.

“Oh sure, no problem. Maybe another time.”

Jess cringed. She didn’t want to say no to him. Well, she did and she didn’t, she couldn’t decide, but right now saying no felt like the wrong answer. Especially after that kiss last night.

She sighed. Kisses plural, more like.

“Ryan, I …”

Jessica looked out the window at her brother goofing around, chasing her dog. Bella was sitting on her husband’s knee, laughing as her daughter bounced up and down with excitement as she played.

Would it be so bad if she asked Ryan over?

“It’s fine, really, we can just catch up some other time.”

“No, I mean, why don’t you come join me? It’s only a few of us. Just casual,” she said.

He went silent again. Jessica pressed her ear closer to the phone, harder, willing him to say yes and terrified at the same time.

“Are you sure? I don’t want to intrude.”

“I’d love to see you again. We’re sitting around having a beer and waiting for my—” Jess paused and watched Steven entertain Ruby “—idiot brother to get started with the meat patties.”

“I’ll see you soon then.”

Jessica gave him directions then hung up. She leaned against the fridge again and tried to steady her thoughts. Had she done the right thing?

Probably not, but she was desperate to see him again. To be near him, to touch him and see whether she’d imagined what had happened yesterday. To see if maybe the connection hadn’t been as strong as she’d remembered it to be.

Or whether it was even stronger.

To see whether he was worth the heartache that was sure to come when he left again in a couple of months’ time. Because no matter how much she told herself she was okay with his leaving, she’d never allowed herself to get close to a man before without thinking there was a chance at some sort of future.

“You making the beer yourself, sis?”

Steven’s call forced her to move her feet, reach back in for the beers and go outside.

He gave her a puzzled look when she walked out again. He dropped his cooking utensil and moved toward her but she put up her hand.

“I’m fine.”

He was overprotective. Always worrying about her, especially after the cancer. But he’d already lost one sister, she could hardly blame him for wanting to keep her safe.

“You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

She waved her hand in the air and tried to relax. “I was just chatting to a friend on the phone.” Jess gave Bella a sharp look, but her friend was already smiling. She had guessed exactly whom she’d been talking to.

“Oh.” Steven looked unsure but he turned back to the meat.

“He’s, ah, going to come over and join us soon, actually.”

“He?” Steven growled.

Now Steven was holding his cooking utensil at a scary angle, like he was about to behead someone with it.

Jess gulped. She should have predicted this. “Yes, he,” she repeated, standing up to her brother. “I think I mentioned that I had a pen pal, a soldier who I wrote to.”

The look on Steven’s face spelt thunder. There was a possibility he could have summoned a hurricane just with his expression. “And he’s coming here? Now?”

“He’s a friend, Steven, nothing to get concerned about.”

He grimaced then turned away from her. Bella was wriggling in her chair, but Jess shook her head. She didn’t want this to become a big deal. Right now Ryan was just a friend, and the last thing she needed was Steven getting worked up over it.

“His name is Ryan, and he’s back for a while to recover. He had surgery and as soon as he’s better he’ll be back with his unit, so there is absolutely no reason to overreact. It’s not like he’s even here for long,” she told him.

Steven shrugged, but he didn’t turn around. She could tell he wasn’t happy about it. But then given her recent track record, she could hardly blame him.

“And I don’t want him knowing about the cancer.”

That made him turn. Now he looked like Neptune about to command the entire ocean. “What kind of friend do you have to keep your cancer from?”

She reached for the bottle opener and popped the top off a beer for Steven. She passed it to him.

“The kind of friend who doesn’t need to know. Okay?”

He took the beer and tipped it up, draining a third of the bottle. “If he hurts you, I’ll deck him.”

She had no doubt that he’d try. Her only issue was that even with a less than perfect arm, Ryan could probably kill her brother with his bare hands.

Bella waved her over and Jess went to sit beside her.

“He only wants to protect you,” Bella said quietly.

Jess knew that, she did. And she liked that he was always there for her. After what her ex had done to her, she couldn’t blame her brother. She’d been left heartbroken, facing surgery and serious chemotherapy on her own. One moment she’d been looking forward to a wedding, and the next she’d been fighting for her life without the man she’d once loved by her side.

Ryan was different though. He’d been there for his wife, by her side, and she’d lost her battle. He might not want to go back to that dark place ever again, but it wasn’t something she could fault him for. He was a different kind of man. Honorable. Dependable.

“Is it so bad that I don’t want him to know?” she asked Bella in a low voice.

Her friend squeezed her hand and shook her head. “No. No, it’s not.”

“He’s not going to be around long enough for it to matter, right?”

Bella sighed then shrugged. She didn’t answer; it was a hypothetical question, anyway.

“You were right yesterday,” Jessica told her. “It’s time I let my hair down, enjoyed being in remission, being alive, and being in the company of a man.” She took a tiny sip of beer and tucked her feet up under her on the chair. She liked Ryan. She didn’t have to pretend otherwise. So why was she still trying to convince herself he was just another friend?

Because after what had happened last night, she knew that they were way beyond friends now.

Ryan pushed the button on his key to lock the car and walked toward the house. It was stupid, being nervous about meeting Jessica’s friends, but it had been a long time since he’d done normal stuff like this.

And his latest argument with George was playing on his mind. Hard to ignore.

His son had finally found his tongue, but the words coming out weren’t pretty. Ryan grimaced. Maybe George did genuinely hate him. And if he did, what on earth was he going to do about it?

He knocked at the door, sternly pushing back thoughts of his son. It swung back and Jessica grinned at him from inside.

“Hey, Ryan.”

The warmth that spread through him, the smile he couldn’t help but give her in return, somehow took away all the pain.

She was like his ray of sunshine on the gloomiest of days.

“Hi,” he answered.

She beckoned with her hand. “Come on in.”

Ryan hesitated for a second too long. He should have kissed her on the cheek, touched his hand to her arm, anything. But he’d waited too long. Now it would just be awkward. It was the second time he’d managed to do that and he vowed not to miss his chance again.

“So this is a friend’s place?”

She shook her head. “My brother’s.”

Oh, dear. He’d walked in on a family do or something.

When she’d said her brother was on burger duty he hadn’t realized it was his house.

“I don’t want to intrude, if you’re doing the whole family thing.”

She laughed and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, her expression shy. “It’s just my brother and another couple of friends.”

“If you’re sure.”

This time she was braver in reassuring him. This time she reached out and touched his arm, so lightly he could have missed it if he wasn’t watching the way her skin connected with his.

“It’s really nice to see you again.”

Ryan felt the warmth spread through him, just like it had when he’d arrived. He’d thought of little else but her since last night, except for when he was trying to deal with his son, and being with her again, right now, sure seemed right.

But then maybe he’d been away so long he wasn’t sure what he was feeling anymore.

“Come and meet everyone,” she urged.

Ryan stepped out into the yard and looked up. But the smile fell from his face in an instant, leaving him cold. That warmth that had spread through him like cookies just taken from the oven died like ice had been poured on them.

It wasn’t hard to pick out her brother. He was the one looking like he’d crush every bone in Ryan’s body, given half a chance. He stood up straighter, lifted his chin. He understood protective. If he had a sister like Jessica he’d probably be the same. But she was a grown woman and she’d invited him over. And he wasn’t the kind of guy easily intimidated—even if he did respect the big-brother macho act.

“Ryan, this is my friend Bella, and her husband, Bruce,” Jess said, making the introductions.

Ryan turned his attention to the petite blonde sitting with a little girl on her lap. Her double-wattage smile made up for the deathlike stare of the brother. He took the few steps to shake her husband’s hand.

“And little Ruby, of course.”

He smiled at the pudgy-armed child wriggling to get down.

Jessica moved closer to Ryan when she turned to face her brother.

“And this is my big brother, Steve.” He felt her stiffen as Steve walked over. “I promise he won’t bite.”

Ryan extended his hand and regretted it the moment the other man clasped it. His grip was tight, viselike, and his dodgy arm was barely up to matching his strength.

He tried not to scowl as pain shot up his arm. He was used to being the strongest, never losing an arm wrestle. Ryan clamped down his jaw and took the pain, refused to give in to it. Didn’t let it show even though he was burning inside.

“Nice to meet you, Steve.”

Jessica smiled sweetly in Ryan’s direction before taking a step closer to her brother and kicking him in the shin.

“Ow!” Steve dropped his iron grip and stepped back.

“He can be a pain in the backside.” Jessica smiled as her brother glared at her then went back to the barbeque. “It’s not until we have company over that we realize how barbaric he really is.”

Ryan smiled, but it was hard. His arm hurt like hell, scorching hot. He hated the ache that was thumping under his skin.

“So, Ryan, Jess tells us you’ve not long been back.”

He took the beer Jessica passed him and sat down in the nearest seat, looking over at her friend as she spoke.

“I’m home for a bit of rest and recovery, then hopefully back with my unit.”

Jessica sat down on the grass nearby. He moved to stand, to give her his seat, but she shook her head and crossed her legs, Hercules tucking in beside her.

It was hard not to watch her. Not to ignore everyone else and just drink her in. The way her ponytail fell over one shoulder, her tanned skin soft against the white of her T-shirt. The scoop neck showed him just enough cleavage to make it hard to swallow his beer.

And that smile. The way she cast her eyes downward when her lips curved up. It made him wonder what he’d ever done to have that look directed his way. To deserve her attention.

“So you’re not tempted to stay here, now you’re home?”

Ryan forced his eyes from Jessica and focused his attention back on her friends. “Tempting, but no.” He watched as Jessica played with a blade of grass, not looking up. “I need to be back with my unit.”

Steve appeared next to him then. “So you’re definitely leaving?”

Ryan nodded. Had he not made that clear?

Her brother gave Ryan what he guessed was a smile. It should have been easy to tell but it wasn’t. Unsaid words hung between them. Was Steve wondering why he was bothering with Jess, because he was leaving?

“How are those burgers coming along?” Jessica asked, breaking the silence.

Steve turned back to the meat, putting his hands up like he was surrendering.

Ryan took another swig of beer.

Maybe staying home with George would have been easier than facing off with the brother.

Jessica went out to Ryan’s car with him. It had been an interesting evening.

The fact it was only nine and the night was over told her it probably hadn’t been that successful. But then she’d pushed her luck hoping it would be.

It had reinforced a few things in her mind, though.

Her brother was an idiot sometimes, but he loved her and did his best to protect her. Even if it annoyed her intensely sometimes, she got it.

The other thing she’d learned was that Ryan was the kind of guy she wished she’d met years ago. Instead of wasting all her time on her idiot ex. Ryan had stood up to her brother with ease, and he was up-front and honest.

Bella had been right. What harm was there in having a little fun with a nice guy, when there was no chance of having her heart broken or breaking his? If he was only here for a short time, they could have a blast, enjoy one another and say goodbye as friends.

They were only a few steps from his car.

Jessica willed her body to cooperate and took a deep breath. She fell back one step and reached for Ryan’s hand, catching his wrist then letting her fingers glide down to his palm as he turned.

“Ryan, stop.”

She registered the surprise in his eyes as he faced her, but she didn’t let herself think about it. She’d been waiting to do this all night, wishing she had the courage. Jess kept hold of his hand and pulled him closer. His body obliged. Then she reached her other hand to cup his cheek, standing on tiptoe to kiss him.

“Jessica …” he murmured against her mouth.

She shook her head. “Just kiss me.”

His lips met hers as if they’d been made to touch. But he only let her feather-light kiss brush him for a moment before he pushed closer to her, deepened their embrace and slipped his hand around her waist, pressing her gently against him.

His hold was tender but his kisses became more insistent, his mouth moving firmly over hers, his breath hot against her skin when he pulled away, before crushing her lips against his again.

Jessica sighed into his mouth, head cloudy, as if she was being swept away on a wave of happiness, floating with the tenderness of his touch and the way he’d responded to her.

“I’m not usually brave enough to do things like that,” she whispered.

Ryan smiled down at her, touched his forehead to hers, still holding her, both his arms around her waist now. He raised a hand and oh, so gently let his fingers skim her face, caress her cheek.

“Well lucky me then, huh?”

When she smiled at him, her lower lip caught between her teeth, he spun her around, one arm tight around her back, then pressed her against the car. Almost rough, but she knew he wouldn’t hurt her. That he wouldn’t even think one bruise on her skin was acceptable. And then he was kissing her again. This time harder, more urgently.

Jess let her head dip back as he pressed into her, his body hard against hers, fitted snugly against her shape. She moaned as he left her lips and traced a row of kisses down her neck, stopping with the last touch against the indent of her collarbone.

When he raised his eyes again, held her face with both his hands, she couldn’t help but giggle. A tiny gurgling noise that rose in her throat.

“What’s so funny?” he asked.

She smiled then sighed, letting her lower body press into his, as he moved his upper body back slightly to accommodate her.

“It’s just …”

He nodded. “I know.”

She wondered if he did. If he understood how conflicted she felt.

And still they stood there, bodies locked together.

“Can I make it up to you and cook you dinner this weekend?”

Ryan raised an eyebrow. “I must be missing something here.”

“What?”

He dropped a kiss to her nose then took a step back. Jess shivered. She hadn’t been ready to let any air between them yet, could have stood like that all night. Against his rock-hard, strong body, and melted against that soft, pillowy mouth of his all evening.

“What do you need to make up to me?” he asked.

“For the way my brother was. The way tonight turned out.”

He caught her hand and traced a finger across her palm. “Believe me, sweetheart, you more than made up for his frostiness.”

Jessica’s entire body felt hot, clammy. She wasn’t used to being so bold, and she certainly wasn’t used to talking about her actions. “He’s, well, protective over me. We lost my sister a few years back, and he’s made it his personal mission to keep me safe.”

She wasn’t lying. The fact they’d lost their sister had made Steven protective. Her ending up with the same cancer had made him worse, spurred his “big bad wolf” routine into action, but keeping that part from Ryan wasn’t the same as not telling the truth.

“I’ve met my share of tough guys, Jess, and your brother doesn’t strike me as anything other than worried about his little sister making a bad choice. He just wants to keep you safe, right?”

She liked the kindness on Ryan’s face, the way he looked so open. It was not how she’d expected him to be. The soldier who’d seemed so tortured on paper was surprisingly unmessed-up in real life. Or else he was just really good at disguising it.

“I still want to make it up to you.”

He grinned. “I’d like that.”

Jessica didn’t know where to look. His eyes were shining at her, suggesting things she wasn’t sure about. Things she might want but maybe wasn’t ready for. Yet.

“So dinner Sunday night?” she offered.

“Yeah.” Ryan squeezed her hand and opened his door. “Maybe you could tell me about your sister.”

Jess felt a shiver trawl her spine, her pulse suddenly thumping. She didn’t want to go there. Didn’t want to tell him how her sister had died, without being able to admit what she’d been through.

It was too close. Still too real for her to open up to him. And if she told him the truth, about her sister dying and then her getting the same disease, he would know she’d been lying all this time. That she’d listened to him talk about his wife, listened to him say he didn’t ever want to be in that position again, and pretended she was fine. When she hadn’t been fine, and still might not be.

“Maybe.”

He didn’t seem put out. Relief washed through her as he casually shrugged. “I’ll see you Sunday.”

She pushed his car door shut when he put down the window.

“Sunday,” she affirmed.

Ryan pulled away slowly from the curb.

She watched him for a moment, then walked back to the house. Even though she felt a little guilty, that she should have just told him from the very beginning what had happened to her last year, about the breast cancer, it was so nice that he didn’t know.

Would he hold her the same if he knew? Or would he think her as breakable as a tiny bird? Would he want her so bad if he knew what she’d been through? Especially when his wife had battled something similar and lost. From what he’d so honestly told her, she already knew the answer to that.

Jessica looked up and found Steve leaning in the door frame, his body filling the space. She glared at him.

“How long have you been standing there?”

He shrugged, not even caring he’d been found out, that she’d caught him as good as spying on her. “Long enough.”

She gave him a shove in the shoulder and walked past him.

Once upon a time he would have shoved her back, grabbed her and made her beg for mercy, the way they’d been as kids, play fighting at every opportunity.

Tonight he just shut the door and followed. “You really like this guy, don’t you?”

“He’s only here for a couple of months.”

He grabbed her shoulder, his fingers firm enough to stop her. She didn’t turn.

“That wasn’t my question.”

Jess spun around. “So what? So what if I do?”

His eyes crumpled, the creases at the side of his eyes, the ones that hadn’t been there before she’d battled her cancer, appearing. Jessica hated seeing the way he’d aged.

She relaxed against his touch. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to snap at you. I’ve just got a lot on my mind.”

“I was going to say that he actually seemed like a nice guy.”

Jessica let out a shuddering breath. “He is.”

“And I can tell he likes you.”

She closed her eyes, embarrassed. Had Steve seen the way she’d kissed him? “But …?”

“But he’s going away soon and I don’t want you to get hurt.”

Argh. There he went again. Just when she was starting to think he wasn’t going to interfere. But he was only telling her what she already knew.

“I know what I’m getting myself into, Steve.”

She turned to walk away again, but his words made her stop.

“But does he?” Her brother paused. She could feel him behind her but he didn’t touch her this time, didn’t try to stop her from walking away. “You need to tell him, Jess. He needs to know.”

Tears filled her eyes then, but she forced down the choke in her throat. Wouldn’t let it take hold of her. “Or what?”

His voice softened. “I just don’t want to see you get hurt, okay?”

Too late for that. Her heart had already been broken before, shattered into so many pieces she’d wondered if it could ever recover. She was in no danger of Ryan doing that to her.

“I don’t want him to treat me any different, Steve. I just want him to like me for me.”

Steve moved closer, touched both his hands to her shoulders, waiting until she spun around to face him. “He’ll still want you, Jess. If he’s half-decent it won’t scare him, but you need to tell him.”

“I can’t,” she whispered.

Steve couldn’t understand, because she didn’t want to tell him the whole story. The truth about Ryan’s wife’s death. And it wasn’t her story to tell anyway.

“Come here.” Steve pulled her into his embrace and held her as she cried. As the tears soaked the shoulder of his T-shirt.

He might be an ass sometimes, an overprotective oaf, but when she needed him he was always there for her. She leaned heavily against him, safe in his arms.

“He’s not Mark, you know,” he told her, holding her tight. “The way he looked at you tonight, the way he was around you, I can just tell.”

She nodded against his shoulder and closed her eyes until the tears stopped.

“What if I want to be the old me for a little while? What if I want to enjoy his company and have fun while he’s here? Does he really need to know?” she begged.

Steve stepped back. “You’re not that kind of girl, Jess. If you were, your ex leaving you wouldn’t have hit you so hard.”

It was true. She’d never been interested in casual relationships, but this was different. This was getting outside her comfort zone with a man who wasn’t making her any promises, who was only here for a short time. Was it so bad that she wanted to be with him while she could?

“I don’t want him to know, Steve. It’s more complicated than I can explain.”

“I’m not saying anything if you’re not. It’s your choice.”

She kissed her brother on the cheek. “So if you liked him so much why were you so hard on him?”

That made him grin. “I had to test him. No point letting him off easy.”

Jessica rolled her eyes. “You’re terrible.”

He linked arms with her and they walked back into the kitchen. “Nope, I’m your big brother. And it means I’m allowed to be the tough guy.”

As much as she moaned about him, there sure was something nice about knowing she had Steve around to protect her.

Ryan sat on his bed and toyed with his dog tag. It comforted him, the weight of it, reminded him of all those nights he’d lain awake on the other side of the world. Thinking about what he’d done, what he should have done and what the future held.

Part of him was itching to be back with his unit, but the other part was feeling settled. Happy to be back home on American soil.

And spending time with a girl he was going crazy about.

But it wasn’t helping him with his son. Jessica had helped him, plenty, but his feelings for her weren’t making things right with George. Instead he was showing her the person he wanted to be without proving the same to his son.

Something was weird about being back under the same roof as his parents. About having his son down the hall yet not feeling brave enough to go into his room to try to talk to him.

When he’d gone back to war after his wife died, he hadn’t had a choice. He had been granted emergency leave when she’d been diagnosed, and the army had been understanding when he’d kept extending it. But the reality was that he’d owed them more time, and even though it had been hard going away again after all that had happened, he’d done it.

Back then, he’d told his parents they could move into his house, to keep things less traumatic for George. Besides, their place had been small, and the home Ryan had shared with his wife was comfortable and much bigger.

Ryan had felt like his paying the mortgage, making sure his parents and son were financially okay, was enough. But it hadn’t been enough and until a couple of weeks ago he hadn’t truly understood that.

Jessica was helping him to clear his head. To realize what it meant to be a real father again. Somehow her letters and her compassion, the way she made him feel when they were together, were reminding him of the man he’d once been.

Because right now the man he was around her wasn’t the same man he was around his son.

And it was fear holding him back. Because when his son refused to talk to him, he wasn’t telling him he hated him. Ryan could still pretend that one day things might be okay again.

But unless he did something about it, he might lose his chance forever.

He smiled as he thought about Jessica. About the way she’d fallen into his arms tonight and kissed him like he’d almost forgotten how to. It had been a long time since he’d held a woman, and with her he felt like himself again.

It spurred him into action. If he was going to be that guy, he had to be him in every aspect of his life. And that meant making things right with George.

Now.

No more excuses.

He got up and opened the door, then walked down the hall. Light was still spilling out from beneath his son’s door, even though it was late.

Ryan knocked softly. There was no response, so he opened it.

George was lying on his bed, earphones in his ears, iPod resting on his chest. The lamp was still on, even though he’d fallen asleep.

He stood there, towering over his boy as he slept. His face was so young in slumber. There was no trace of the sulky preteen, almost a hint of the face he’d known years ago, when they’d been so close.

Ryan bent to pick up the iPod and gently reached to take the earphones out.

George stirred. Then opened his eyes.

Ryan froze.

His son went to say something, went to move, but Ryan put his hand against George’s chest and slowly bent his legs until he could sit on the bed. George didn’t say a word.

There were questions in his son’s eyes. Questions he wished would come out in the open so he could tell him the truth, could tell him how sorry he was.

George pulled the cord so his ears were free. Then glared at him. Ryan went to move, to stand up again, but his son grabbed his hand. Made him stop. Then George burst into tears, his entire body shaking from the sobs deep in his chest.

“Come here.” Ryan took his boy into his arms and held him, held him so tight he hoped he wasn’t hurting him, and fought the emotions that were running through his own body, thrumming through him, desperate to escape. His eyes were burning, body tense as he held his son, the boy suddenly feeling so young and vulnerable in his arms. “Shhh, it’s okay.”

“You left me,” George managed to say between sobs. “Why did you leave me?”

“I’m sorry,” he said, holding him even tighter, never wanting to let him go. “I’m so, so sorry.”

“Grams told me,” George sobbed, “she said you would be leaving again soon.”

Ryan squeezed his eyes shut and did his best to force away his own tears, to push them away and be strong for his son. It was like his heart was being pulled from his body to beat in the unforgiving heat of the desert sun. Left to wither, exposed to the world.

“I’ll never leave you like that again, ever.” Ryan said the words into his son’s hair. “I promise.”

“But you are going back?”

George pushed away from him to sit upright. His eyes full of hurt, questioning his father.

“I am going back,” he said, knowing he had to be honest. There was no point in pretending otherwise. But it was also time for him to be honest with himself. He wasn’t done with the army, not yet, and he’d already agreed to another term. But it was time to prioritize, and he’d given his country years of service. Had been a dedicated and loyal soldier.

Now maybe it was time to put that same amount of energy into being the father he’d once been. The father he’d always wanted to be. Maybe it wasn’t just about his duty to the army anymore.

“This time will be my last tour,” he said, knowing he was speaking the truth, even though he’d never decided, until right now, that it was going to be his final stint away. “I will go away one more time, then I’ll be done. And this time I’ll be there for you even though I’m away—we’ll stay in touch properly, okay?”

George looked unsure, hesitant, but Ryan didn’t care. Tonight had been a major breakthrough. And all it had taken was some courage on his behalf to take the first step. His son might not believe his words yet, but Ryan would see his promise through and show his son he could be trusted. It was up to him to give George a reason to trust in him.

“You promise?”

He nodded and pulled his boy in for another hug. “I promise, kid. I’m not going to let you down again.”

George held him back hard, clinging on to his father, and Ryan sent a silent prayer skyward. He wouldn’t trade anything for this moment. The pain in his arm, the hurt of his memories, nothing would be worth sacrificing for knowing his son was close. For feeling like forgiveness was possible.

For remembering what it was like to be a real dad again.