Читать книгу Daddy - Tuhin Sinha - Страница 12
ОглавлениеI Want to Become a Dad…But Am I Ready?
Being a father is undoubtedly the toughest job you’ll ever have. It is also a daunting experience. Once you know that your wife is expecting, it is natural for every guy to ask themselves, ‘Am I ready?’ I guess I’m a bit of an exception to this rule because I’ve wanted to be a father for as long as I can remember.
On a cold wintry morning of November 1982, at around 6-6.30 AM, my dad kick-started his Bajaj Super scooter with me standing in front and my heavily-pregnant mom seated behind. We drove straight to Telco Maternity Hospital, some 5 km away from our home in Jamshedpur. Three hours later, my younger brother Tanmay was born.
The image of my baby brother curled up near my mom and our journey home two days later in an auto rickshaw will forever stay with me. I was barely six years old at the time, but Tanmay’s arrival made me feel like a grown-up overnight. I’ve often heard that when the age gap between siblings is more than four years, it’s common to spot an early maternal/paternal instinct in the older child. The theory held true in my case. At his slightest discomfort, I would swoop into action by gently swinging Tanmay in my arms. I taught him how to play cricket quite early and when the other kids in the locality were busy, we’d bat and ball by ourselves for hours together.
When Tanmay got admission in Loyola School, where I was already studying, I took my responsibilities more seriously. Since his classes finished before mine, I would request my teachers to excuse me 10 minutes earlier so that I could escort him to the right school bus. This continued for an entire year. I must have been excessively fond of kids because by the time Tanmay was two, I began pestering my parents for another sibling. Like I said, the idea of fatherhood has excited me for as long as I can remember.
As I look around, I find that every man has his own way of knowing when he’s ready for fatherhood. There are also extreme cases of couples not wanting children at all. I know of at least three such couples and they have all stuck to their decision. But Rajan Gupta, an Indore-based engineer with roots in a small town in north Bihar, was adamant on having a child immediately after marriage. His wife Sonal, who didn’t have any work commitments, was on board with the idea. Their gynaecologist advised Sonal to gain some more weight before getting pregnant. The couple went the extra mile to make that happen and nine months into their marriage, they were expecting. Rajan became a dad at 28. Interestingly, his father is a mere 22 years older than him. So he became a grand-father at just 50.
Asad Lalljee, a CEO of a corporate cultural initiative who has spent 14 years in the United States, has a different story to tell. He doesn’t believe in living by the book. Even major decisions like marriage or having a baby weren’t planned much ahead. By 43, Asad was ready to be a father. By then he realised it had become a “now or never” situation. “It’s funny how in your 20s and maybe early 30s you keep finding ways to avoid pregnancy. And then in your late 30s and beyond you desperately find ways to get pregnant,” he told me. He recalls how a colleague once ran out of a crucial meeting because his wife had “begun to ovulate”. Asad became a dad at 44.
Roopak Saluja, media entrepreneur and angel investor, became a father at 34. His wife, actress Tara Sharma, hosted a television show on parenting called The Tara Sharma Show on Colors and now on Star World that Roopak co-produced. “Both Tara and I were passionate about the idea of having kids to the point that we’d planned things to quite a degree even before we were married. “A month before our first anniversary, Tara was pregnant,” he says. The couple have two sons, Zen and Kai.
Rajeev Shukre (name changed), a senior executive in a telecom firm, adopted a three month old girl at 39. Today Rajeev says he never imagined he could love somebody as much as he loves his daughter. His wife Maya and he are still undecided on the perfect age to tell her about the adoption. “We’ve tried becoming friends with more parents who have adopted kids so that whenever she gets to know, she’d have a sort of support group of her own,” he says.
It was an incident in 2009 that propelled me towards fatherhood. Ramyani and I had been dating for a few years but weren’t sure of our future plans. I wasn’t commitment phobic but the alarming number of marriages crumbling around me had made me cynical about the institution. Even as the confusion persisted, I decided to have our horoscopes matched. I must clarify here that I don’t blindly follow astrology. Yet, if I find merit in some prediction, I wouldn’t dismiss it prematurely. I consulted a young astrologer for whom this was more a passion than profession. I was relieved to hear that our horoscopes were well-matched, but with it came some bad news as well. He predicted that Ramyani and I would have trouble conceiving. I might not be the biggest fan of astrology, but I’d be lying if I said this didn’t upset me. I sought a second opinion, only to hear those crushing words yet again.
I’ve noticed that when I’m pushed into a corner, I usually come out stronger and more determined. In keeping with that trait, I wanted to have a baby quickly to get the better of my astrological fate. Roughly a year into our marriage, we started trying. It took a year before we got the good news. Eight months later, Tanish came into our life. In hindsight, I had put undue pressure on Ramyani without realising I was being unfair to her. She believed that if something was destined for her, she’d get it against all odds. And being a mother was one of them.
At times I envy people who fall in love early and get married in their mid or late 20s. Such couples get a larger window to make the best out of their married lives before planning a baby. My brother Tanmay, a corporate lawyer with one of the world’s largest venture capital funds, got married when he was 27. Both he and his wife are the same age. “We wanted to spend the first few years slogging it out in our careers and travelling around the world. It was only after three-and-half years of marriage that we gave a serious thought to having a baby,” he says. Tanmay and his wife Lopa are expecting their first baby in December 2014.
If you settle down post 30, women are in constant fear of that fast-ticking fertility clock. That could leave them no choice but to have a child soon after marriage. That apart, nobody likes to be an old mom or dad. The other advantage of having your first child early is that it buys you more time to plan a second one. Given that both Ramyani and I were on the wrong side of 30 when we got married, we didn’t want to wait for too long before we started trying. My good friend Abhishek Srivastava, an associate professor at IIT Indore, got married at 35 and became a father before his first anniversary.
Before you decide to get into parenthood, it is becoming increasingly important to consider a few factors.
Start counting your pennies
Having a baby is expensive, so make sure your finances are in place before moving ahead. If you’re used to living on a double income, keep in mind that your wife is entitled to a paid maternity leave for only 3 months. After that you’re on your own. A freelancer friend panicked when his wife had to suddenly quit her job in her third month due to a medical complication. Burdened with mounting costs, he took on more work than he could handle. It came as no surprise when he messed up most of it. Ultimately, with just a month to go for the baby’s arrival he had to take up a full-time job.
Your expenses start going up way before the child is born. It helps to be aware of the additional costs incurred during pregnancy months. Doctor’s consultation, medical tests, ultrasounds, maternity wear, etc will cost you at least Rs 15,000 (there is no upper limit). At the time of delivery, a decent hospital in a metro city charges upwards of Rs 50,000 for a normal delivery and upwards of Rs 80,000 for a C-section (again, there is no upper limit). Immediately after the baby’s birth, you will be required to spend on formula milk, diapers, the paediatrician’s fees and immunization.
In recent years, medical insurance policies have begun to cover pregnancy expenses up to a specified limit, subject to terms and conditions. If you plan your pregnancy well in advance, you can avail of this. It also helps if you can get all pending loans and debts out of the way before the baby arrives.
Professional Considerations
Having a child impacts the mother’s career greatly, so it makes matters easier if she is professionally well-settled. If she’s been with the same company for long, she can demand perks like a work-from-home option, flexible hours and an extended maternity leave.
During the pregnancy months and even after the baby’s arrival, the distance from the mother’s workplace to home assumes crucial importance. We lucked out in this regard. Around the time we were trying to conceive, Ramyani found a job where her office was a mere 300 metres from home. This was a huge blessing. It not only afforded her the luxury of working till 10 days before her expected due date but also meant she could take a shorter maternity break.
Happy parents make happy babies
A couple should be emotionally in sync and have a deep understanding of each other’s temperaments before becoming parents. This is especially crucial if you’ve had an arranged marriage or a brief courtship period. In this case you might want to take more time to get to know each other before jumping into anything. For those in a troubled marriage, it’s best to hold off on baby plans till you sort out differences. You can’t raise a child if you’re not on the same page with your partner. I know of cases where couples have had kids to save the marriage. This is not a wise option. Chances are that it will backfire, and that too on the unsuspecting child.
