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CHAPTER 2

TAKE THE PLUNGE AND DIVE DEEPER USING TRANSACTIONAL ANALYSIS

Shirley Attenborough

Transactional Analysis (TA) is a tool that provides a rich and stimulating explanation of our social relationships and why we behave the way we do. It suggests that aspects of our personality are formed in early childhood. Once we are aware of this, we can work towards adapting our behaviour to have more successful interactions.

Covered in this chapter

• A roadmap to help understand the default ways we communicate with others, and likely consequences

• The different Ego States and the behaviours associated with each

• Explanation of the tools that can be useful in changing behaviour

• Case studies providing examples of how the above are achieved

INTRODUCING THE TOOLS

Transactional Analysis (TA) is a simple, empowering way to assist clients to step out of their comfort zone, and to explore the way they interact, transact, and communicate. The tool supports clients to take the plunge, breathe deeply and understand what is going on deep inside themselves. TA also assists us to become more aware about the way we communicate as coaches. It can support us to decide how to behave differently in order to get a more successful result.

TA facilitates easy and immediate reflection, as well as enabling us to step back and see issues from different perspectives. It provides valuable feedback about our interactions, allows us to reflect both during and after a coaching session, and enables us to try out different ways of communicating in a safe environment.

This chapter provides structural and functional diagrams to support your understanding, together with a variety of case studies to demonstrate how the theory plays out in practice, and how easily and simply it can be applied.

For those who want a concrete definition, the one provided by the dictionary (dictionary.com) is clearest:

a system of popular psychology based on the idea that one’s behaviour and social relationships reflect an interchange between parental (critical and nurturing), adult (rational) and childlike (intuitive and dependent) aspects of personality established early in life.

Playing games: background to TA

Eric Berne, the founder of TA, wrote Games People Play (1964), which became a bestseller and, since its publication, has sold more than five million copies, and put TA firmly on the transformation map. Berne, a psychiatrist, developed TA for therapeutic and counselling settings, and subsequently it is being used in organisations. He described TA as a system of psychology to understand, predict, and change behaviour.

As a psychiatrist, Berne came from the premise that people need fixing. In coaching, we operate from the presupposition that people are whole and do not need fixing, and are able to work out what they need for themselves. The TA model has been adapted to fit the coaching model so it works in organisations.

We start with a description of the Ego States Model, followed by the Life Position / OK Corral model. We will discover how we can use these two models together to support clients to understand their behaviour, and to explore ways of changing these, if they want to. TA at its fullest is a complex and demanding topic. This chapter is an introduction to TA that works in harmony with many different coaching approaches.

To begin, we need to get a clear picture of the structure and function of this theoretical model. (All diagrams within this chapter are commonly used to describe and explain Eric Berne’s work and, latterly, Ernst’s OK Corral.)

BASIC FUNCTION OF THE EGO STATES MODEL

Figure 2.1: The Ego States Model

The first circle represents the Parent Ego State. The second circle represents the Integrated Adult Ego State. The third circle represents the Child Ego State.

Throughout this chapter it is important to remember to avoid confusing the Parent, Adult, and Child Ego States with being an ‘actual’ parent, adult or child. The Ego States are labels to help us identify and give a name to how we are behaving at a particular moment!

It is also important to note that engaging with the conscious mind is the beginning of our journey within. TA is particularly effective when working with people because it gives them a way to reflect on automatic behaviours, patterns and emotions without feeling defensive, vulnerable or challenged – to the extent that they can gain insight through their own observations.

When you start a session with a client, draw the above six circles on a piece of paper and label them, ready for discussion.

CASE STUDY 1: NOT ‘SHOWING UP’ IN MEETINGS

A successful banker was being considered for promotion. He had been informed by his boss and the review panel that he needed to ‘show up’ more in meetings, especially virtual meetings across different regions. I asked my client what this meant. He explained that he had no problem sharing his views with peers in the office, but he was uncomfortable when he thought he might be upsetting or ruffling the feathers of senior colleagues or colleagues he didn’t know well. My client thought it was important to be liked by people. I asked if he would like to explore this in more depth, and he agreed. We both drew the model, and the conversation developed as below.

I asked, How do you identify with the different Ego States? After a pause, he described situations when young; he was not expected to speak, comment or have an opinion in front of his elders, or those considered more important than him. My client recognised that in some situations he was still behaving this way. He was clearly surprised, and quite reflective. He commented that this had to change as it was preventing him from reaching his full potential. We talked about this, and I asked: What does change mean to you?

He spent a long time working his way around the model. He identified that there were many times at work when he was communicating from the Adult Ego State, and other times when he was operating from the Child Ego State.

We spent time exploring what he wanted to do differently, what needed to happen to help him, and how he was going to manage himself when he was with certain people. He felt that some of his behaviour was so ingrained from his childhood that it was going to take time and practice. He noted that colleagues around him from similar backgrounds had adopted the Parent Ego State. This was something he was keen to avoid, and he felt that his new self-awareness was a start in moving into the Integrated Adult Ego State. The goal of TA is to assist people in communicating Adult to Adult.

Berne explains that we all have three Ego States, and that we use all three to communicate. However, only one is active at any given time. Although we move through all the States all the time, we are not necessarily in the same Ego State as the person we are communicating with. This is often where problems start! We are sometimes in what Berne referred to as ‘complementary’ Ego States. These are Adult to Adult, Parent to Child and Child to Parent, or Child to Child and Parent to Parent.

COMPLEMENTARY EGO STATES

Adult to Adult

When we are operating from the Adult Ego State, we are in the ‘here and now,’ and our interactions are logical, rational, and without contamination from previous experience. The goal of TA is to assist people to spend more time communicating from Adult to Adult. An interaction would look something like this:

Person One (Adult): ‘I’m really struggling with this work. Can you help?’

Person Two (Adult): ‘Yes of course. What would you like me to do?’

Parent to Child and Child to Parent

Figure 2.2: Different Ego States

A different scenario when we are not communicating so effectively occurs when the parties involved are in different Ego States. For example, when a transaction begins with someone operating from the Parent Ego State, which is often received by the recipient as an invitation to respond from the Child Ego State and vice versa. An interaction would probably look something like this.

Parent to Child:

Person One (Parent) angrily says ‘I asked you for that work ages ago. Haven’t you done it yet?’

Person Two (Child) whining ‘I’ve been trying but it’s really hard. Why are you always yelling at me?’

Child to Parent:

Person One (Child) says frustratedly, ‘This is too difficult. I can’t do it’

Person Two (Parent) frustratedly says ‘I have showed you how to do it so many times. What’s wrong with you?’

The above illustrates how we operate from a Parent Ego State, and receive a response from the Child Ego State or vice versa. It is rarely effective communication.

The other two complementary Ego States are Child to Child and Parent to Parent. These types of transaction are also unlikely to encourage mature, appropriate conversations.

Crossed Ego States

At other times we could be communicating in ‘crossed’ Ego States.

Figure 2.3: Crossed Ego States

A crossed Ego State occurs when one person (P1) invites another for an ‘Adult’ response to an ‘Adult’ request. Instead of responding from Adult, the other person (P2) responds from either the Parent or Child Ego State. Then the exchange between two colleagues might look like this:

Colleague one (Adult) ‘Do you know where X file is?’

Colleague two (Parent) replies angrily, ‘For goodness sake, you are always losing it. It is where you left it.’

If you refer back to the diagram, colleague one asked a question from Adult, and invited an Adult response, the location of the file. Instead his colleague responded from a Parent Ego State, so the communication became crossed. Probably at this stage colleague one is likely to respond back from the Child Ego State, and the conversation can continue in an unsatisfactory way until one of them invites the other into an Adult response. This is, of course, where mature, in-the-moment conversations happen.

USING TA AND EGO STATES IN THE WORKPLACE

As previously mentioned, TA was initially a counselling tool, and has only recently been used more widely in the business context, though there are differences in terms of its application in the workplace. Berne originally proposed four separate scenarios for assessing which Ego State an individual is possibly operating in at a particular moment.

The four areas are:

1. Behavioural: observing posture, gestures, language, tone, and tempo of speech.

2. Social assessment: observing an interaction between two people and their behaviour.

3. Historical: when we are in the Child Ego State, we are ‘feeling’ as adults the behaviour, feelings and emotions that we experienced as children. In a work environment, and normally in coaching, we wouldn’t ask!

4. Phenomenological assessment: is not just about feeling a past event, but actually re-experiencing it and would be inappropriate in the coaching environment.

It is only appropriate to use 1. Behavioural and 2. Social assessment whilst coaching in the workplace. TA practitioners have suggested that the Ego States Model should be used in conjunction with a second framework, referred to as the Life Positions quadrant, or, more fondly, as the OK Corral.

Let us look at how the Ego States are further divided, and their associated behaviours. These can be used to provide clients with clues about their own behaviour, thoughts and feelings. Ego States are internal, but they are manifested in our behaviour. By asking questions, we can understand what emotions and feelings accompany these different behaviours. After that, we can take a closer look at the Life Positions OK Corral model.

EGO STATES AND THEIR ASSOCIATED BEHAVIOURS

Figure 2.4: Associated behaviours

Parent State

When we are in the Parent Ego State, we think, feel and behave in ways based on parent and authority figures we observed growing up. This is divided into Critical or Controlling Parent on the left, and Nurturing Parent on the right. Both of these Ego States have positive and negative behaviours, also referred to as OK (positive) and Not OK (negative).

Starting with the left: Critical / Controlling Parent. The behaviours are positive when they come from a place that doesn’t undermine us. An example might be that the parent organises a bedtime at 7 pm in order for the child to get up and be fresh in the morning for school, whereas a negative behaviour is used to undermine us. For example, you are asked to wash up and then you are told, ‘Give me the dish cloth. You can’t do anything right, you are so stupid.’ A Controlling Parent can come from a positive place in terms of giving us social norms to live by, or a negative place when the comment is designed to undermine us.

Let’s take a moment and think about how a Controlling Parent’s behaviour might play out in the office. A boss figure might single out an individual in the team meeting, and make a detrimental comment about a report they have written.

Similarly, a Nurturing Parent can be positive and OK, for example, when they tuck us in at night, and tell a bedtime story. However, if the behaviour becomes smothering or invasive, it becomes negative and Not OK. For example, ‘Please don’t ever run as you might fall over.’ This behaviour is over-protective as it doesn’t allow us to grow, and become independent capable people. Nurturing Parent may play out in the office in a more subtle fashion such as an employee handing in a report to their boss, who then corrects, changes and circulates it without consulting them. This over-protective boss isn’t helping them to grow or develop their skills, even though they might think that their behaviour is coming from a ‘good’ place.

Positive behaviour could be when a boss takes the employee to one side to discuss the report, and then asks: What is good about the report? What works well? What doesn’t work so well? What could they do / write differently? Following this, the boss could offer what they thought had been done well, and then add ‘and it would be even better if “x” had been included.’ In this way, they are making suggestions for their employee’s development and improvement that doesn’t undermine and demotivate.

Adult Ego State

The second circle is the Integrated Adult Ego State. As previously mentioned, this only has positive behaviours and is ‘OK.’ When we are responding from here, our behaviour comes from the ‘here and now,’ is non-judgemental, and not contaminated by previous experience. We are therefore responding maturely, rationally and appropriately in the situation.

Child Ego State

The third circle is the Child Ego States. When we are in one of the three Child Ego States we are replaying and remembering how we behaved during childhood. Again, these three Ego States contain positive or OK behaviours, and negative Not OK behaviours. When in the positive or OK Free Child Ego State, the behaviour is all about creativity and playfulness. When Free Child is negative or Not OK, the behaviour is inconsiderate, wild and uncontrolled.

The Rebellious Child Ego State behaviour, where positive and OK, is about high achievement both professionally and personally. These behaviours include overcoming difficult, challenging goals, persistence and determination as well as enjoying positions of power. The negative or Not OK behaviours include demanding attention and energy from others, being aggressively sarcastic, blaming and judgemental.

Finally, when in an Adapted Child Ego State, the positive OK behaviours include accommodating others, and being co-operative. The negative and Not OK behaviours include being over-compliant, passive aggressive or defiant and difficult. An example might be agreeing to take on extra work when we don’t want to, or alternatively, saying we will do something, but don’t!

If we pause here and reflect, we can probably recognise many of the above behaviours in ourselves and others, both inside, and outside the work place.

We have mentioned OK and Not OK behaviour in terms of positive and negative behaviours associated with the Ego States Model. Now it is time to explore our second model: Life Positions / OK Corral. This second model is very useful for helping individuals to understand how they might consciously or unconsciously be viewing themselves and others through their behaviour. We may consciously and unconsciously see ourselves as OK or Not OK. We may view others in the same way, or a combination of OK and Not OK.

FRANCK ERNST OK CORRAL / LIFE POSITIONS

Figure 2.5: OK Corral / Life Positions

This theory suggests that we use all of the four Life Positions in different situations and with different people. However, we will each have a preferred Life Position based upon early experience.

In the quadrant above, if the person’s Life Position is more in the top left quadrant: ‘I am not OK, you are OK,’ this can be expressed as feeling less worthy than someone else. The opposite of this would be when someone’s Life Position is predominantly in the bottom right quadrant: ‘I am OK, you are Not OK,’ which can be expressed as feeling better than others.

Practical application

We can use this tool in different ways and at different points in a coaching session, or block of coaching sessions. In order to be most effective, these tools really benefit the client after several coaching sessions and once trust has been established with the coach. Life Positions, put simply, are our perceptions of the world and our place in it. It is not reality, but only how we perceive our reality to be as individuals. We also move around the different Life Positions depending upon the situation and the people around us.

Developing increased self-awareness

We each have a preferred or predominant Life Position and this position is decided early in our lives. However, from a coaching perspective how we arrived at the Life Position is less important than where we are today, and where we want to be going forward. If our clients are open to exploring their possible Life Positions, it can provide them with a lot of information about themselves, help them to increase their self-awareness, and understand their own behaviour, as well as how they communicate. A client has to be ready and want to have this experience. We should only move forward after we have offered an invitation to the client, and they are ready to dive deeper and explore further.

Exploration

Another way to use the model, which initially may be less intimidating, is when a client is describing a recent interaction. We can invite them to use the OK Corral to explore where on the quadrant they, and the person they were interacting with, appear to be operating from. Remember we can’t verify any information. This is just an exploration to assist our clients to enhance their self-awareness. Then, using a gentle questioning technique, we are able to support them to explore these in more depth and detail.

Diving deeply

Clients can begin to reflect at a deeper level, and to explore what is going on in their conscious thinking, and deeper into their heart and body. They can explore their feelings and emotions more deeply in order to understand more fully and appreciate their triggers, responses and behaviours. They may identify some automatic behaviours that were completely outside their conscious awareness. They might want to consider how well their current behaviours in certain situations, or around specific people, are working or not working.

• What is the ripple effect their behaviour might be having across their different relationships and across the organisation?

• What would they like to change?

• What benefits would behaviour change bring to themselves and others?

How the OK Corral relates to the Ego States Model

In the top left quadrant, ‘I am Not OK, You are OK,’ we can see how this might relate to the negative Adapted Child Ego State. The top right, ‘I am OK, You are OK’ would fit well with Adult Ego State, a position of awareness and equals, without judgement. This is where we would all like to be when we are communicating well, and operating at our very best.

If we look at the lower right quadrant, ‘I am OK, You are Not OK,’ the overall message here is one of arrogance. This suggests the Parent negative Ego State of either Critical or Nurturing Parent. The suggestion here is that the other person is doing something wrong and / or is incompetent.

Finally, in the bottom left quadrant, ‘I am Not OK, You are Not OK,’ is clearly a position of hopelessness and / or futility for both. So again, the negatives associated with a Child Ego State would fit here.

Now we have looked at the basics of these two models let’s reflect on ourselves, the different people we engage with and the situations we find ourselves in. How well do you communicate? Which of the Ego States do you notice yourself operating from?

The model works equally well in a variety of coaching scenarios including face to face, over the telephone, video conferencing and with groups. Here are some further everyday examples that people can relate to.

CASE STUDY 2: OVER-REACTION

A client shared a series of incidents she had experienced in which she began to feel that she was over-reacting. She realised that she wasn’t doing herself any favours in terms of her future career or building relationships in her network. She described the latest incident. She had received an email from a colleague and although the email wasn’t rude, she felt unappreciated. She had sent an email back, copying in a lot of other colleagues, saying she didn’t want to receive such emails again.

I asked her what she would do now if she received a similar email, and she said she would do it again. I asked, Even though you have said you shouldn’t, you still would? She replied ‘Yes!’ I said, Can you think of other times when you have done this? Again, she said ‘Yes.’ I asked her what was going on, what were her feelings, and what was she thinking at those times? What triggered those incidents? She said it was always about when she was feeling unappreciated and undervalued. I asked if there were specific times she could recall. She immediately described a teacher at school who had unjustly criticised her and undervalued her contribution. At the time, she was unable to respond. She went on to say that she still wanted to go back and find the teacher and tell them how she had felt.

I asked if she was willing to explore a model with me. I drew out and described both the Ego States Model and the OK Corral. I asked her which quadrant she thought she might be in when this was happening? She immediately said, ‘I’m OK, You are Not OK.’ She said that she felt unappreciated. Her response was to share with everyone that she was OK, and that the other person wasn’t. She added that in retrospect what she was actually doing was sharing that she wasn’t OK, and the other person wasn’t OK either.

I asked which Ego State she might be operating from, and she laughed and said possibly Adapted or Rebellious Child. I asked her what she would do now if she found herself in a similar position. She replied, ‘I would still take it back to the person, but in private and less aggressively.’

We continued to discuss the issue from different perspectives, and she commented that she had enjoyed working with the model. It made it easy for her to think about how she sometimes responds automatically, and hopefully over time and with practice, she would respond differently, in order to get a more effective and helpful response.

She also commented that by looking at a model on paper, she was able to think about herself in different situations, without becoming emotional or defensive. I asked her what not becoming emotional or too defensive meant? She replied that she felt she judged herself less harshly, and this enabled her to explore in a safe way. In future sessions, we used the model to take some much deeper dives into her thinking, feeling and behaviours.

To discover more coaching tools to change the way you think, and your clients’ thinking, see Chapter 4: ‘Breaking Free: Unlocking Doors with Deep Reframing’ by Richard Haggerty.

CASE STUDY 3: FEELING UNDERMINED

This client was struggling with his new boss. Previously they had been colleagues and peers. My client hadn’t applied for the position as boss, so there was no animosity regarding that. He really couldn’t understand what was going wrong, and said, ‘I just feel undermined all the time.’ He couldn’t put a finger on what was going on but he had stopped enjoying work, and had begun to look for another job.

We explored his current set up, and then I asked if he remembered feeling like this before, and if so, who did it remind him of? He thought for a while, and said, ‘Yes, it’s how I felt around my father sometimes.’ I could see that the Ego States and Life Position Models might be helpful for my client. He accepted my offer to explore, and quickly identified with the model on several different levels. He felt he was being spoken to from Critical Parent, and he thought it had something to do with the tone of voice. He also recognised that he was responding from the Child Ego State.

We continued to explore this in terms of which quadrant in the OK Corral he was in. The most immediate effect for him was relief that he could identify what was going on. He also said that his relationship with his new boss was a good one, and now that he understood what was going on, he was going to have an open discussion with him. He said that he felt that he would find it relatively easy to communicate with his boss from the Adult Ego State and the ‘I am OK, You are OK’ quadrant now that he understood himself better. This was just the starting point of us using the model together. Over subsequent sessions, he explored his style of communication and became more and more comfortable taking deeper and deeper dives.

CASE STUDY 4: STRUGGLING TO WORK WITH A COLLEAGUE (AND DIDN’T KNOW WHY)

Another client was struggling to work with a colleague during working hours. When they were out socially the same didn’t apply, and they communicated really well. I suggested working with a couple of models, and she readily agreed. She quickly identified that she was in the ‘I’m Not OK, You are Not OK’ quadrant. She also recognised that she was operating from a Rebellious Child Ego State. There was a light-bulb moment when she realised that when they were at work, she felt that her colleague was judging her, telling her how to complete certain tasks. She also recognised that she meant well, but this didn’t stop her from feeling angry and put out.

She had another insightful moment when she recognised her colleague’s behaviour as negative Nurturing Parent, and that her own mother had behaved in a similar way when she was growing up. She spent some time reflecting on this information. She visibly relaxed and smiled and said that she now understood what was annoying her, and it wouldn’t any more. She thought that she could move easily into the ‘I am OK, You are OK’ quadrant. She had a new perspective, and now felt supported by her colleague.

CASE STUDY 5: DOESN’T SUFFER FOOLS GLADLY

A very successful Chief Operating Officer (COO) is highly practical and in his own words ‘doesn’t suffer fools gladly.’ He was finding that although he was very successful, others in the organisation were complaining about his communication style (abrupt, rude and arrogant). He had decided that he wanted to explore this but wasn’t sure if he wanted to change his behaviour, as he saw the issues and problems as belonging to someone else. I worked with this client on the telephone. After a few sessions, I asked him if he was willing to explore a theoretical model, and he agreed.

I started by asking him to draw the three circles and simply label them Parent, Adult, and Child. Before I had a chance to say anything else, he said, ‘You are calling me a child!’ I laughed and said Really? Am I? What makes you think that? I only asked you to draw three circles in a vertical line and give them each a label. He was quiet for a few moments and I stayed quiet. Then he said, ‘I think you asked me to draw this because you think I behave like a child.’ I continued to stay quiet, and then after a while I said, Can we explore the model a little without judgement from either of us? He agreed, and discussion about the model followed.

He then stated, ‘Yes, I can see that I could be described as behaving as either a Rebellious Child or a Controlling Parent.’ At this point he was in the ‘Not OK’ position, but very quickly went on to say how frustrated he was with certain others. He blamed them for the way he spoke to them. He had moved to the ‘I am OK, You are Not OK’ position.

After more exploration and more questions, he also realised that the way he behaved with them wasn’t getting him what he wanted. He further commented that he wanted to be perceived as an ambassador for the organisation, and in order to achieve that, he needed to express himself more engagingly.

He often used humour to explore difficult conversations he was having with different colleagues, and he could laugh at himself. Although he didn’t change his communication style overnight, he did discuss wanting to spend more time in the top right quadrant ‘I am OK, You are OK.’ He also commented that he liked this new way of looking at himself and at others.

As our sessions continued, he told me that although he was still frustrated with certain people, and behaved in the same way as before, there were times when he paused and planned his conversations. He further noted that it wasn’t always easy to change, and that sometimes it was only after an interaction that he stopped to think. He commented that he had gone to his preferred Life Position which he identified as ‘I am OK, You are Not OK.’ He added that he didn’t care about getting different responses but he did care about being perceived as an ambassador at certain times. He therefore only occasionally changed his behaviours when in front of selected people.

What he liked about these models was that he had increased his awareness, and that he now had a clear choice about how to communicate. He also added mischievously that there were some people who frustrated him so much that he wanted them to be aware of his frustration, and that he didn’t believe that some deserved the effort it would take for him to change.

It is important to note that, although coaching increases self-awareness and choices for clients, it is up to them to determine how far that change will go and the extent to which they wish to modify their behaviours.

To further investigate the domain of emotions, see Dan Newby’s two chapters on emotions in Part III: ‘The Heart of the Matter: A New Interpretation of Emotions’ and ‘Getting to the Heart of the Matter: Emotions-Centred Coaching.’

Coaching insights and summary

When clients are focusing on the models, they are less self-conscious, more relaxed, and each time they use them they feel more comfortable to take deeper dives and explore the challenges they have.

TA used in a coaching context also provides the coach with a powerful opportunity for increased self-awareness whilst reflecting on coaching sessions. The models can help the coach think about what could have been done differently that might have supported the clients even more effectively, thus providing further learning for the coach and improvement of future coaching sessions.

The TA tools can support a powerful way for the client to be present and help them to disassociate long enough to gain new perspectives. By gently nudging them to tell you which quadrant or which Ego State they are in, in a given situation, you simply and non-judgementally stay curious and interested, and ask questions.

~

Connect with the Author

So, are you ready to take the plunge and dive deeply with your own coaching practice? I really hope so, and if you have any questions or feedback, I would be delighted to hear from you at shirleyattenborough@gmail.com

References

Eric Berne, Games people play: the psychology of human relationships (Ballantine Books, 1964)

Eric Berne, What do you say after you say hello (André Deutsch, 1972)

Franklin H. Ernst Jr., Transactional Analysis J. 1:4 October (1971)

Richard Erskine, Relational patterns, therapeutic presence: concepts and practice of integrative psychology (Kanac Books, 2015)

Thomas Harris, I’m OK you’re OK (Avon Books, 1966)

Anita Mountain and Chris Davidson, Working together (Gower, 2011)

Ian Stewart and Vann Joines, TA today (Lifespace Publishing, 2012)