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CHAPTER ONE

MR. WONDERFUL, THAT’S YOU

It’s New Year’s Eve, the big night itself. Dressed in your finest, you are (pick one):

1.) at a marvelous party, surrounded by friends. At the stroke of midnight, your handsome date gives you your first kiss of the new year.

2.) drinking alone at a bar, watching the festivities on television and trying to convince yourself it’s just a lot of noise.

3.) preparing to jump from the top of your city’s highest building.

Did that one scare you? Well, let’s try again. Let’s suppose you are at a party. Unfortunately, it’s been rather dull, and you’ve just been cornered by a dreary auntie, when into the room walks the most gorgeous hunk of man you’ve ever seen, and he’s absolutely alone. An hour later:

1.) you and Handsome Hunk have managed to escape the dull party together, and are now creating your own excitement.

2.) you are still in the corner with auntie, watching some other guest whisk Handsome Hunk away.

3.) you are applying a splint to the arm that Handsome Hunk broke when you made a pass at him.

All right, just one more before we start tallying up the points. This time you’ve gone to the opera by yourself. Glancing about, you see some acquaintances of yours in a private box. During the first intermission you send an usher with greetings and a note asking if you may join them:

1.) the usher returns promptly with their message insisting that you join them.

2.) you have received no reply by the next intermission, so you make your way to their box, to find that the door had been nailed shut.

3.) the usher returns and with a smile asks you to follow him; after leading you through endless corridors, he instructs you to go through a certain door. You do so only to find yourself outside the opera house without your ticket stub. Inside, you can still hear the usher laughing.

If your answers to the above little test were all number one, you don’t need anything that I have to offer. In fact, you can continue your lovely life, taking satisfaction from the knowledge that I and numerous others loathe you.

On the other hand, maybe you couldn’t honestly pick number 1 as an answer for any of the questions. In that case, you most definitely need help—and that’s exactly what this book is all about—helping you improve your average. Even if your answers were divided, there’s plainly still room for improvement.

It may be a question of developing a little style and grace, or perhaps you’ve never learned how to approach a desirable man. Whatever the problem, you just might find the answer if you’re willing to read further, and try a few suggestions. Considering all that’s at stake, that’s not asking much.

Of course, maybe you don’t regard being attractive, liked, and appealing to men as important. In that case, you deserve to be alone on New Year’s Eve, or nursing a broken arm, or standing outside in the rain.

There’s no shortage of self-help books available today. I’ve read most of them myself, sometimes in genuine desperation. And before I go any further, I may as well tell you the truth about myself.

No one has ever been so rash as to tell me I’m beautiful. Furthermore, since my eyesight is good, if anyone did tell me such a thing I’d suspect him of being hopelessly dishonest, mentally deranged, or too drunk to drive.

I am clumsy, rather effeminate, far from brilliant, often quite helpless, nervous, terrified of strangers (to say nothing of high places and the dark), far from wealthy, and I have a genuine talent for putting my foot in my mouth.

At this point I can hear you shrieking that you need my help like you need a dose of you-know-what. Very funny, but let me add a few things.

I’ve been told by scads of men that I was attractive and/or sexy—and many of those men just weren’t gay, not by any accepted definition of the term. Likewise, many of them thought I was sexy enough to find out what “gay” was all about.

I have lots of friends, straight and gay, on all levels of society. Being gay and being effeminate have never been detriments, nor hindered me socially in any way. As for being shy, nervous, or helpless, I’ve found those items to be assets in many situations.

Without being wealthy, I live well. I just returned from a several-month trip to Europe, and brought back my own car. I have a comfortable apartment, all the clothes I need, and always a sufficient cash reserve to cover those little emergencies that come up.

Bah, humbug, you say? Perhaps you think the answer is witchcraft? Or maybe you admit that this is all possible and fine for me, but how, you ask, does it apply to you? Well, very simply, unless you’re a really hopeless case (and I have yet to meet one that hopeless), you can accomplish the same things if you’re willing to try. And I’m willing to help. Shall we go on?

There’s only one place to begin, and that’s with you, the only natural resource you have to work with. And never mind telling me that a silk purse can’t be made out of a sow’s ear. In the first place, not everyone likes silk purses. Some people go for cowhide, some go for alligator, and some even end up with plastic, so what makes you think that no one would want a sow’s-ear purse? Particularly one that’s well styled, nicely made, and—here’s the most important part—well sold. The first task is making it as desirable as possible, the second is convincing the potential customer that it’s what he wants.

Try another little test, if you’re still in doubt. Think back to the last time you were with a group of friends in some public place. (I hope it’s not that long ago!) Remember their comments about the various men around you. One of them thought one number was just divine, although nobody else in your group agreed. And while the others were drooling over someone in one direction, you were lusting after a sweet young thing that they hadn’t given a second glance to.

It’s one of the niceties of life that tastes vary. If they didn’t, only a small handful of people would make out, and the rest of us would have to suffer. All of which means that, no matter what type you are, there are those somewhere who find your type appealing. You’ll have to learn where to find them, and of course, once you have found them, how to convince them that you, of all your type, are particularly appealing.

Don’t let the use of the term “type” frighten you either, because it’s only a generalization. Actually, you are quite unique, the one and only you in the world. Try though He might, HE’ll never be able to find anyone quite as wonderful as you.

That may sound conceited, but it’s really not that at all. You see, before you can expect other people to like you, you have to learn to like yourself. Many people, unfortunately, don’t. But with the right attitude you can, and should, be the best friend you have. Now think about it, what constitutes a good friend. To begin with, he likes you, and respects you. On the other hand, he’s kind but honest in pointing out your shortcomings to you, and helping you to make the most of yourself. That’s the kind of friend everyone needs, and the kind of friend you should learn to be to yourself.

Maybe you already like and respect yourself; that makes everything much easier. If you don’t, then you’d better start asking yourself why not? Just what is there about you that’s not likable? This, of course, is where the honesty becomes essential, because you’ve got to start right now and take stock of the situation.

Now wait just a minute—you do have to determine what are the faults that need improving, but let’s not convince ourselves that you’re a walking disaster area. I don’t care if you are a troll living under a bridge, you have your good points too. You’re a friend to yourself, remember, and no friend is going to spend all of his time gloomily tearing you apart. So, while you’re at it, let’s make notes of those good points too, because we’re going to want to take full advantage of them while we’re learning to eliminate or at least play down the others.

All right, to begin with, I’m assuming you’re gay. Now that right there is a problem to many people. In our society, it’s pretty difficult not to feel self-conscious about it at times, and for some people it can be a really traumatic experience. If, in your case, it’s resulted in an existence that is nothing short of a nightmare, then chances are you may need the sort of help I can’t give you in this book.

If you are seriously toying with the possibility of suicide, or sealing yourself in an isolated cave, you should talk to a professional. Surprisingly enough, many headshrinkers today don’t attempt to “cure” a homosexual, whatever that involves. Rather, they try to help him adjust to himself so that he can lead a happier life.

But let’s suppose that things aren’t quite that bad for you, in which case maybe you just need to consider a few facts and start using a little common sense.

The homosexual is a lot better off today than he has been in the past. For one thing, just about everyone has faced the fact that he exists, and that he does not possess horns and tails. That helps. For another thing, there’s more information available on the subject, for the homosexual who wants to understand a little more about himself. If you’re genuinely puzzled by your nature, it won’t hurt you to do a little reading. If nothing else, it will soothe your ego to learn that you’re not so different from most other people. Homosexual and heterosexual urges exist in most people, in varying degrees.

Nor does being homosexual mean that you have to live your life as an outcast from society. As I said before, I mingle regularly with many non-homosexuals, oftentimes close friends. Once you’ve learned to accept your homosexuality, and adopted a few rules for social behavior, you can do the same.

As for the other areas in which you need improvement, it’s safe to say that there’s a solution to nearly every problem. If you’re too heavy, or too thin, it’s almost certain that you can do something about it—I’ll go into this a little further subsequently.

If you’re hiding lovely eyes behind owlish glasses, look into contact lenses. If you walk like Carmen Miranda with an overwound spring, fencing lessons or a membership in a gym will help. Voice lessons can do wonders as far as lowering a piercing talk. These are the sort of things which can be detriments for you, and there’s just no excuse for not correcting them. In later chapters I’ll go into more detail about improving your appearance, and your chances. But by now you should have singled out some of the most pressing shortcomings, and started to work on them right off.

Very well, once you’ve reached the point where you can start liking yourself, you’re ready to see if you can persuade others to like you. There’s only one way of accomplishing that goal, and every self-help book, psychiatric journal, or philosophical writing will tell you exactly the same thing—you have to start liking others. You’re going to have to be a friend if you want to have friends.

Now that may or may not sound difficult to you, depending upon your attitude toward others around you. But personally, I find it easiest to use the same approach you’ve been using on yourself—try looking for the good points, not just concentrating on the faults.

There’s another little trick that I learned years ago, and which has served me well. It’s called Warm Regard and you build it up just as you would a muscle, through practice and exercise.

Start with someone you do like, in fact the most likable person you can think of. When you call him to mind, you’ll feel a—well, nice feeling, sort of a glow. Mind you, I’m not referring to lust, or anything so earthy as that. I’m talking about the feeling of liking. And don’t kid me that you don’t know the difference.

Now, keeping that feeling fixed firmly in your mind, switch to someone else. Be sensible, don’t pick the most obnoxious person you can think of, but someone about whom you feel pretty neutral. Transfer your feeling of “liking” to this person. At first it will dim a little, but with practice, you’ll find that you really can think nicely about this person.

Of course, you don’t stop with mental pictures. The difficult part will be to put this new attitude into practice, the very next time you meet this person. Call to mind your Warm regard, and let it show; be just as friendly toward Mr. Mouse as you always have been toward that most likable person. As I said, this is just like building a muscle—the more you use it, the better it will be. And needless to say, once you’ve succeeded with this individual, you’ll go on to someone else, someone a little more difficult to like. Before you know it, you’ll have made friends of some people who were your enemies in the past. Believe me, it’s a very nice feeling.

Now I know you can’t expect everyone to love you; from time to time, you’ll experience some failures, but they aren’t too important as long as you’re also experiencing some success. If you’re not, I’m afraid that the fault can’t all lie with the other people.

As for criticism, I know it can occasionally make you sound very witty, but that kind of wit may end up leaving you laughing alone. The best—in fact the only —time to offer criticism is when it’s asked for. In that case, be nice about it, be honest, and radiate a lot of Warm Regard.

* * * *

Well, now things are looking up for you. You’re hard at work correcting some of your major shortcomings, and you are rapidly acquiring all sorts of new friends.

But I’m still homosexual, you say. Won’t those new friends, the straight ones, change their minds if they find out?

They might, or then again, they might not. There’s one important fact in your favor, however—they don’t want to find out.

Peculiar though it may seem, people who like you (and by now all sorts of people are beginning to like you) will go far out of their way to avoid admitting the obvious to themselves. They’ll do much better than you at inventing excuses for you, and eat their tongues before asking the wrong question. I have seen perfectly sophisticated, otherwise bright people behave like morons rather than recognize the truth about a homosexual friend. Of course, it’s your job to make this just as easy as possible for them, which means following a few basic guidelines.

In the first place, you behave naturally. By now I’m sure you’ve begun eliminating some of the more obvious affectations you’ve displayed in the past. You weren’t born with them, so forget the lame excuse. You learned them, as a child probably, but it’s not too late to replace them with better ones.

Now, as I said before, I’m inclined to be effeminate, but don’t fool yourself, that’s still not the same as being screamy. You don’t have to turn yourself into a booted, leather-jacketed oaf, or wander about with a pipe between your teeth. But you can observe some of the men you know, the pleasantly masculine ones, and try learning some of their traits.

The homosexual faces another problem too, the fact that it’s too often necessary to be dishonest. Regrettably, this becomes a habit. Many homosexuals call attention to their way of life by putting up too much of a front. For instance—while you’re entertaining straight friends, your lover, roommate, or what have you, answers the phone. “For you,” he announces, and while you take the call, he goes to the kitchen, where he does not hear the act you are putting on.

“Of course, sexy,” you purr into the phone, although it’s only your best friend calling. Knowing that he’ll understand, you work hard to make it sound as though this were one of many women who pursues you. When it’s finished, you give your straight guests a smug grin and explain that it’s just an old girl friend.

At this point, your roommate returns to the room and, ignorant of your deception, asks, “What did Charlie want on the phone?” Result, you’re left looking like an ass. What’s more, your friends certainly will wonder why the deception was considered necessary.

The simplest way to get by with dishonesty is to cover it up with as much of the truth as possible, at the same time keeping the dishonest part to the bare essentials.

Furthermore, you’ll have to learn when to be discreet. In other words, you don’t rub your straight friend’s noses in your business—figuratively speaking, that is. If you run around wearing lace shirts with jeweled buttons, and such garb, you can hardly wonder why straight folk shun your company. After all, they may be forgiving themselves, but they have their friends to consider too, and they don’t want to constantly apologize for you.

Tragically, you’ll be called on from time to time to make certain sacrifices. The time for cruising is not when you’re out with the boys from the office. You might convince them that the sweet young thing you end up leaving with is an old friend, but they’re likely to wonder why you didn’t recognize him until you saw him in the rest room.

Well, so far we’ve concentrated mostly on the inside, helping you to improve your outlook and some of your actions. Now of course I realize that you aren’t doing all of this just to insure your entry into paradise. Our motives are downright earthy, and I really am getting around to the all-important goal—MAN. But there’s still a lot of work to be done.

Remember the Mounties (that’s a police outfit, not a sex club) and their motto for getting their men. They do it all with a plan, and they have to go through training first to be certain they’re really prepared. So before we send you out on the trail, I want to make sure you have all the right equipment, inside and out, and that you know how to use it. Don’t despair, when you end up taking home your prey and properly stuffing him, or mounting him, or whatever you plan, you’ll see that it was worth all the effort.

Shall we go on now to the rest of you—the outside?