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CHAPTER TWO

MIRROR, MIRROR

This chapter is going to devote itself to the subject of grooming—now you can put that wash and wear bridal gown back in the closet. I’m not talking about that kind of “grooming.” I’m talking about the bare facts—the raw material that is you, and what to do with it.

Good looks, charm and manners are of course no guarantee of success in any endeavor. You can bow, scrape and flatter all you like, but if you look like a slob and have bad breath or a greasy face, you’ve struck out before the game started. No man wants the spots cleaned off his suit while you talk, and few of them are still using that greasy kid stuff. So let’s see what can be done to improve things.

Let’s start at the top, with the head (which is just about where we all start, if we’re having any kind of fun at all). A good head of hair is one of the most important things I can think of so far as increasing your “plus” quotient. But don’t, please, misinterpret my remark. I don’t think hair to the shoulders is very attractive unless one prefers women—in which case you’re reading the wrong book. And I’ll admit that some of those VERY young fellows look downright cute with pageboys—I’m referring to the hair style—but if you’re over nineteen, it’s time to trim those locks. Little Orphan Agnes is the only one I know of who could get away with never growing up, unless you allow for that other fairy, Peter What’s-his-name. The rest of us only make ourselves look increasingly silly as Tinker Belle. Here is a fact to ponder: nothing makes a person look so old as working too hard to look young.

What you do need is an attractive, sensible head of hair, styled correctly for you. And if you haven’t yet guessed, I’m leading up to something. Specifically, I’m aiming at those of you who may be a little thin on top. Of course, there are all sorts of funny jokes: So I have thin hair, who wants fat hair? Very funny. And generally unattractive. Granted, that movie actor fairly glistens up there, and I’m one of the countless thousands who get weak in the knees when he comes on-screen. But let’s not kid ourselves, he has a lot of other equipment too, the sort that all manages to go perfectly with his bare scalp. I just don’t have all of that equipment, and if you do, you’re wasting your time reading this book.

In other words, if you are the balding type, run, don’t walk, to the nearest salon and get yourself a toupee.

A very close school friend of mine lost his hair prematurely. There was a time when we were both the same age, but I hadn’t seen him in years when I paid a visit a year or so ago. Poor friend, he was practically bald and looked a good ten or fifteen years older than me. My first reaction was glee—after all, in the past he had looked so much younger, to my chagrin, and now it was my turn.

Then I remembered our friendship, and my duty. I sat him down and gave him my $10.00 lecture on hair, concluding with the suggestion that he buy some—NOW! Unfortunately, my visit was only a brief one, but I later took up the campaign by mail. Finally, a few months later, I stopped by to visit him again. Lo and behold, my campaign had been successful. He was sporting a headpiece, and he looked positively marvelous. You wouldn’t believe what it did for him, to say nothing of those he came in contact with. Before hair, another friend of mine guessed this boy’s age at forty; with it, he could quite easily pass for twenty-five. And that, my dear, is quite a difference.

Oh, I know, you say they’re expensive. Indeed they are, but no more so than that vacation you’ve been planning, or that new sofa, and believe me, they’ll pay off in far greater dividends. Or maybe you think they look phony—no, not if you get a good one. I’ll grant that an expert might be able to spot one, although even that isn’t for certain. My friend, for instance, wore his to a barber—who couldn’t spot it. And you really can do virtually everything in them—shower, sleep and—well, that other activity we all enjoy.

All right, let’s assume you have your own head of hair. Fine, there’s still a lot you should know and do about it. First, and this is important—keep it clean and don’t plaster it down with a lot of junk that will make you smell like the lamps of China. Hair is hair, and ought to look like it. Many of the women who went in for those bees nests a few years ago just found that they had been stung.

Next task—study your face and try to decide what style you wear best. There is a difference. If you have big ears, for instance, make sure you wear your hair full on the sides. It will help camouflage those milk-pitcher handles.

If you can afford it, which I think most of us can, go to one of those many new hair stylists for men. By now they are available in most cities. I go to one and for $5.00 I get shampooed, massaged, treated, trimmed and styled. I not only look my best when I come out, but I feel positively queenly—and never mind the wisecracks. Of course, a regular old haircut may cost you 50% less, but then all you get is a regular old haircut. Besides, your chances of meeting your kind of people at a stylist’s salon are much better than at the local barbershop. And hair styling is an art in its own right.

Maybe you just can’t afford the money, or maybe there isn’t a stylist available where you are. In that case, you’ll have to use a little common sense and work it out for yourself, with the help of your friends. To make it a little easier for you, I’ll offer a few suggestions:

If your face is long, then wear the hair slightly down over the forehead.

If you have a round, fat face, wear your hair higher on top and off the face, with the sides close to the head, to give you that extra height you need.

It’s really quite simple if you think about it.

Also, if you’re at the time in life where the gray strands are showing through and you don’t want them to, by all means go buy one of those do-it-yourself rinses or hair coloring kits. A lot of people love gray temples—I do, for one. But if you don’t feel right with the gray, by all means cover it up, it’s your hair, and your self-confidence.

Furthermore, I find that, in general, short hair will give you a more youthful look, long hair will make you look more mature.

So much for hair, now let’s move down. No, not that far, just to the face. The most important thing you can do to your face is wash it. Don’t forget, your skin is covered with pores which exude sweat and oils. When these get clogged with dirt you may have serious problems. Keep it clean, or you’ll wreck any and all attempts at good grooming.

Of course, you may already have one of those problems—blackheads. It’s not a nice subject, but it’s necessary if we’re going to have you looking your best. There are many soaps, lotions, and gadgets designed to help you dispose of them—some of them work, some of them don’t, but you may want to try a few. Or you can use a more elementary method. Apply a hot towel to your face, just as the barbers do. Let it stay on for 5 or 10 minutes, heating it up again under the hot water tap a few times. Now your pores are opened up; making sure that your hands are well scrubbed, simply squeeze out the little particles of ingrained dirt. Do it gently, to avoid scars. Then, close up the pores you’ve opened by reversing the process—apply a cold towel to your skin, then put on an astringent, after shave lotion, or cologne. Don’t fill the pore up with cream, this will only start another one. Repeat the whole process a couple of times a week, if necessary, to keep your skin clean and glowing.

There is another thing you can do about complexion problems, watch your diet. Sensible dieting has proved more beneficial than all the cosmetics on the market today. If rich foods and pastries set your sebaceous glands (did you ever hear of a less sexy gland?) to churning overtime, try cutting down. And recent experiments have indicated that milk, of all things, may be a prime offender. If you drink a lot of milk, and you have complexion problems, try cutting down on the white stuff.

What about all those other goodies, the creams, lotions, salves, etc., to say nothing of cosmetics. Well, millions of women have spent hundreds of millions of dollars on those items, and you may as well benefit from their experience.

With one or two exceptions, none of them do a thing except give you a nice tingling sensation. Further on in the book I’ll touch upon the subject of wrinkles. As for those shadows under the eyes, you can start working on them by getting a little more sleep. Sleep, incidentally, is by far the most effective cosmetic man has yet discovered. Nothing does so much to keep the complexion clear, or the skin lovely and fresh.

You can also cover up those shadows somewhat by applying a little talc to them, but only if you’re going out at night. This is certain to be noticeable in daylight, so you’ll simply have to suffer along with shadows.

As for make-up—it is next to impossible, I’m afraid, to wear it and not make yourself conspicuous. Oh I know, many queens insist they can apply make-up so skillfully that it can’t be detected, but while they’re telling me this, I’m trying not to notice their all-too-obvious efforts. Better try to improve upon what Nature gave you—in a natural manner.

Shave, preferably with an electric razor. Know why? Well, I don’t have stock in the company, and in fact I don’t use an electric razor myself, but a blade razor has a few disadvantages. Did you know that when you shave with a blade you remove a thin layer of skin as well as the beard. I agree that you get a closer, more long-lasting shave, but it does irritate the skin more.

If you simply cannot use an electric razor, then there’s one other thing you can do—take a day off. And I do mean off—seal yourself utterly away from the world where no one can see what a slob you are at heart, and don’t shave. A day or two off from shaving every few weeks will allow your skin to repair itself somewhat.

Always, always use an after shave cologne, and not just for the sake of smell. It will smooth, soothe, and freshen the face.

I don’t go much for talc, except as I mentioned it before. And it’s perfect for soothing the neck when the laundry puts too much starch in your shirt collar. It’s also useful for cleaning, but I’ll touch on that in the section on clothing.

Of course, some people prefer to keep their shaving to a minimum, by sporting whiskers. Personally I don’t go for them, and if you’re growing a beard with the thought in mind that it will make you appear more masculine, don’t kid yourself. But, if you really want one, you’ll have to use the same sort of common sense with it that you did with your hair style. For instance, a full chin beard will broaden a long face. A pointed beard makes the face look longer, while a rounded goatee covers weak or large chins. A mustache and beard help diminish a large nose. Men with thick upper lips can benefit from a thick mustache, and thin upper lips are helped by thin mustaches.

Insofar as eyebrows are concerned, don’t be afraid to pluck them if they’re too unruly or odd-shaped. If they cover up the bridge of the nose, by all means separate them with a good pair of tweezers.

There’s one other area of hair about the face that you just cannot justify on any grounds—clip those nostrils regularly. You can buy special scissors, separately or in a manicure set, for just that purpose.

Now we come to one of the most important aspects of good grooming—smell. Two eminent psychiatrists wrote an article recently entitled “The Smell of Love.” They hinted at the fact that women prefer the good masculine body odor, which a friend of mine interpreted to mean that men aren’t supposed to bathe.

Now I really don’t think that’s what they meant at all, but they did make a lot of sense in that masculine odors can be the sexiest thing about the man. Now let’s face it, if we really liked men to smell like women we certainly wouldn’t be bothering too much with men, would we? On the other hand, a good cologne or deodorant can make or break your chances. How would you like to go to one of Katy Winters’ parties, knowing how many smelly friends she has?

Here again you’ll have to decide what smells good on you and what you should stay away from. Too much lime on some people just increases the oiliness of their skin and exudes an unpleasant aroma which I hate standing next to, let alone sleeping with. Now don’t get me wrong in that you have to go out and get the most expensive colognes you can find. I’m merely saying find the one that suits you. You, above all others, should know the type you are.

If you’re six feet four inches tall and built like a football player, of course you don’t want to smell like a Japanese Geisha with a lot of musk and jasmine. If you’re slight and petite, okay, get some lime or lemon scents, or a slight trace of oleander or violets. You can afford it.

I have a very close friend who owns more colognes than I have ever seen laid out on bathroom shelves and counter tops. And know what? With all his expense and bother the best thing on him is the $1.50 bottle of Old Spice he buys at the super drug store. He’s far from the $1.50 type, but that just happens to be the best scent on his particular type skin. Even when he tells people what it is, they think he is joking.

So know yourself and then shop for that which suits you. And don’t feel foolish sampling various types. When at the counter just rub a couple of them on different parts of the skin and sniff. You’ll be able to tell which is best for you. When you’ve picked out the one, wear it, and I mean wear it right. Don’t mix scents, which just loses the benefit of all. And don’t change scents once you’ve found the right one. You want a scent that will say you whenever he smells it, even if it’s on someone else. If he can picture you every time he smells Snuff (the cologne, not the real stuff), and you have sprinkled a drop on the gift wrapping paper of the birthday gift you sent him, he’s certain to thank you with exceptional warmth.

Know where to wear it too. Behind the ears, contrary to what everyone thinks, it is wasted. Put it on the temples, at the V where the neck and collarbone meet, at the wrists and—are you ready for this?—behind the knees. Those are the points where it will last, and radiate all sorts of messages to him throughout the evening—and night.

Also, and always—and I mean always—wear a deodorant and use a bad-breath combatant regularly, like at least twice a day, just to be sure. In the former case, there are all kinds—some that don’t smell at all, some that match your cologne. They vary in effectiveness with the body chemistry of individuals, so find the one that is most effective for you. As for bad-breath, there are countless mouthwashes and mints. Many salesman, by the way, swear by antacid tablets, such as Rolaids—most breath problems start in the stomach. And if you have a real problem, see a dentist for advice. It may be an indication of more serious trouble, although I can’t think of anything more serious than scaring men away.

Believe it or not, statisticians have proved that within the next few years sales of men’s toiletries will far outnumber those of women if the current trend continues. Keep it up. Everything possible is now available to the man, such as hand creams, hair sprays, perfumes—you name it, they market it.

Dry skin problems can be easily remedied by simply applying cold cream or even Vaseline on your face before going to bed. If you use Vaseline for other purposes, incidentally, I’d recommend two separate jars. If your hands get too dry and scaly do the same thing to them. Once a week treatment should be sufficient, but use nightly treatments if you’re very dry, and watch out for particularly cold or windy weather.

For the oily skinned among you, frequent washing with soap and water and applying an astringent two or three times a day will help, as will talcum powder.

Don’t overlook the finger and toenails. Keep them trimmed and well filed. Never taper them, keep them short and even, and above all, clean. And never, never, never apply polish of any kind. I don’t care what your straight friends do—even Esquire is against polish on men. There are creams, too, for rough hangnails and cuticle problems. Look into them if you are afflicted with such problems.

Your body in general is my next topic of conversation. We’re all inclined to be lazy, and consequently so much you’ll have to do depends upon the sort of shape you’re in. And if you’re absolutely out of shape, I’d suggest you see a doctor, or consider a gymnasium.

Let’s hope, however, that things aren’t that far gone. In that case, a few simple rules will work wonders.

To begin with, the next time you have to go to the market, which is several blocks away, please don’t walk to the carport and drag out the convertible. Walk—it’s still one of the best exercises available. And if the load of groceries on the way back is a little too heavy for that long trek, good—make two trips. That’ll do you twice as much good.

A friend of mine has an executive type job, private office and all that. I paid him a call one day and noticed that everything in the office was almost inconvenient to the desk he occupied. “Why?” I asked. “It’s simple,” he told me. “I get my exercise that way. If I need something I have to get up for it. It helps keep my backside from spreading out.”

You may be interested in knowing that his backside was sufficiently “unspread” to make it one of the most sought-after in the city.

Another very simple exercise you can use while taking Rover for a walk or just strolling along the street. Carry something you can drop on the sidewalk now and then, just to make yourself stoop over and pick it up. It helps that advancing waistline more than you think, and there are other benefits as well.

You may not know it, but exercising will make you less tired. You see, certain acids have a tendency to build up in the body, particularly at the joints, and as these acids are passed into the bloodstream, they create that “tired” feeling often attributed to not taking Geritol. By exercising, you burn up these acids. For that reason, one airline executive recommends the above exercise for long flights—that is, dropping a pencil or something so you have to bend down for it. Of course, that’s only recommended for flights in a plane. It could be risky on a broomstick.

Everyone hates to exercise, I know. But if you happen to live with someone, you’ll find an exercise program in which everyone participates easier to keep up than one you do alone. Anything you do alone is really not as much fun as having a partner, don’t you agree? Of course you do, that’s why you’re reading this.

Diets, naturally, are another source of pain and discomfort, but another necessary evil. Serious overweight or underweight problems, as I said before, should be handled by a professional. But if your problem is only an advancing tummy or the like, a few sensible habits will make the difference between being lovely or ludicrous.

If you have to go to that beer bar every night, then for goodness sake make sure you account for the calorie consumption by cutting down on the sweets and stuff you normally have with dinner. And you can also investigate the caloric count in such things as vodka and tonic (180 calories) versus Scotch and soda (90 calories), or martinis (170 calories) versus Manhattans (235 calories). Get the picture? A Rob Roy will only cost you 110 of those nasty things, but a zombie, weighing in at 520, isn’t worth it.

Just to give you a few ideas, I prepared a little list to indicate some of the danger areas:

BEVERAGES:

black coffee...NONE!

w/cream...25

cream & sugar...55

tea (naked)...NONE!

milk...165

ale...100

beer...100

sweet cocktails...250

dry cocktails...90

highballs...150

liqueurs...80 to 90

whisky (a jigger)...110 to 150

sweet wine (1 glass)...130

dry wine (1 glass)...95

BREAD:

white...65 (one slice)

rye...70

biscuit...100

English muffin...130

Danish pastries...120

Saltine (double)...40

DESERTS:

chocolate layer cake...400

pound cake...115

cookies...110 to 125 each

Now, good habits, remember, are a prerequisite, so start now and don’t flinch. Take that extra few minutes every time you go out or before you settle down for an evening of television, to work on your grooming. You’ll thank me, and yourself, I guarantee. And even if you do wind up spending the entire evening alone, you’ll feel a whole lot better sending and smelling your nice, fresh, clean self into that trundle bed.