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“This is a beautiful house, Congresswoman.”

“Thank you. We’re very happy here.”

“And your children are just lovely.”

“Thank you again. We’re very proud of them.”

“Will I have a chance to speak to them further? I’m sure our audience would enjoy getting to know them.”

“I’m afraid that won’t be possible.”

“I understand. But what part do you expect them to play as you compete for a seat in the United States Senate?”

“At this point, I‘m not sure. After all, they’re entitled to lead their own lives.”

“Yet you never seem embarrassed to bring them onstage with you during campaign appearances.”

“As I said, I’m proud of them. They’re a big part of who I am. And I want the voters to know that above all else, I consider myself a wife and a mom.”

“Your family comes first.”

“Absolutely.”

“Although you also insist that you want to keep them out of the public eye.”

“They’re entitled to privacy.”

“Will their status ever change?”

“I hope not.”

“A few years ago, however, your daughter did achieve a measure of notoriety on her own.”

“She did, indeed.”

“And that episode forced her to leave her school.”

“Not exactly. She decided to change schools. There’s a big difference. And she did so strictly of her own accord.”

“Now she attends a school with a church affiliation.”

“Again, the choice to go to such an institution was hers, and we were very proud to support that decision.”

“Could you explain the circumstances under which she left her previous school? After all, they’re already public knowledge.”

“Nothing complicated. She spoke out against a pervasive bias in several of her classes.”

“For example?”

“She felt that her American history teacher glorified far-left positions while sneering at conservative points of view.”

“Anything else?”

“She also protested when her biology teacher refused to give equal attention to creationism as an alternative to the secular theory of evolution.”

“Did you support her perspective?”

“I certainly did.”

“Do you believe in creationism yourself?”

“I think it should be acknowledged as a valid point of view.”

“Do you believe in it?”

“I believe it ought to be acknowledged.”

“But do you reject Darwin’s theory of evolution and believe that creationism ought to be taught in high school and college science classes?”

“I think it must be acknowledged.”

“Do you really trust the Bible on matters of scientific authority?”

“The Bible is the greatest book ever written.”

“I understand—”

“It is the book on which I base the values that guide my life—”

“But do you really believe the earth is just a few thousand years old—”

“All I’m saying is—”

“Despite all the scientific evidence on the other side—”

“ALL I’M SAYING . . . is that the flaws of the so-called evolution theory, as well as the strengths of the creationist view of the world, must be acknowledged.”

¶ ¶ ¶

“Welcome back to Capitol Currents. Well, the mid-term elections are months away, but several heated contests are already taking shape. Brock Cassidy, what races are you following closely?”

“Roy, I’m sure we’re all looking at one that’s bound to monopolize a lot of attention—”

“I bet I know—”

“I think we all do—”

“That would be the long-time progressive champion Senator Vance Harrington against newcomer Cassie McClellan.”

“Cassie Mac, right?”

“The amorous assassin.”

“Can’t men talk about anything but looks—”

“Hey, that’s what her own colleagues call her—”

“Flora O’Herlihy, do you really think she has a chance?”

“Unfortunately, a very good chance—”

“Why?”

“Why does she have a chance, or why ‘unfortunately’?”

“Either one.”

“I think she stands a very good chance because American voters tend to buy mindless and simplistic slogans—”

“She’s a very gifted woman—”

“Who talks in moronic sound bites—”

“Nicole DiBoneventura?”

“She’s smart, she’s charismatic—”

“Sounds like you’re working for her—”

“I’m sure she will.”

“The question is, does she have the political skills, the sense of the moment—”

“She has all the right instincts—”

“Could I finish—”

“Let me just say—”

“Wait a minute, wait a minute. Neil wants to get in here.”

“I’d like to point out one thing. Vance Harrington has been in office for twenty-nine years—”

“Are you saying he’s tired?”

“Believe me, he’s not—”

“My point is that he’s been around forever—”

“Only seems that way—”

“The guy’s a yawn—”

“What I’m trying to say is that—”

“Of course he’s tired. While she’s fresh—”

“I also think the voters are ready for a new face—”

“Look, she’s honest, plain-spoken—”

“I was just trying to—”

“She’s also a walking cliché, right out of some nineteenth-century reader—”

“A total reactionary who hates unions, immigrants—”

“She’s traditional—”

“I don’t think women voters will go for her—”

“We don’t vote as a block, you know—”

“Nicole—”

“Women think for themselves—”

“Not if she gets elected—”

“What does that mean?”

“She wants to think for them—”

“Brock?”

“Nonsense. She’s a sharp cookie, a cool customer—”

“Sounds like Brock’s in love.”

“Hey, if we were both single—”

“Hah-hah!”

“Harrington is just too polished—”

“And that’s just what people hate—”

“Watch. Just watch.”

“And we will. So we’re agreed. The key race is Harrington vs. McClellan. And the prize is nothing less than control of the Senate and the future of our country. We’ll be right back.”

¶ ¶ ¶

“Good afternoon, America. This is Joe Lasher, bringing you a few hours of truth, justice, and the American way.

“Well, some good news on the political front. We finally have a real candidate running against that well-known liberal fraud, Vance Harrington.

“You know, Harrington, right? He’s that roly-poly rich kid, whose daddy bought him everything from his first car to his Senate seat.

“He’s that holier-than-thou socialist who throws away your money, that do-gooder who never met a tax hike or a government giveaway he didn’t love.

“He’s that fathead who coddles criminals, who always blames the cops, not the cop-killer.”

“He’s that atheistic hypocrite who couldn’t find the inside of a church with a compass and a flashlight.”

“He’s that hippie-dippie, free-sex relic who probably wore sandals and love beads, frolicked in the mud, sucked his bong, passed the marijuana, and mumbled “Oh, wow” seven hundred times a day.

“Well, he may have finally met his match.

“I’m talking about Representative Cassie McClellan, known to many of us as ‘Cassie Mac.’ And here’s a woman I really like.

“Do you want to know why? Let me give you some reasons.

“One, she shoots from the hip. Calls a spade a spade. If you know what I mean.

“Two, she’s a Christian. An honest-to-goodness, God-loving Christian. And not only does she not hide her faith. She actually celebrates it! And how many people like that do you find in politics today?

“Three, she’s a family woman. She has a loyal husband and two great kids, and they’re with her every step of the way.”

“Four, she’s careful with her own money, and she’ll be careful with ours.

“Five, she doesn’t swallow progressive pabulum. She’ll stand up to the unions and all the other left-wing factions that have poisoned the American spirit.

“Six, she puts the future of this country, our economic and military might, above all else. She’s not afraid to stand up for American values, to state what you and I know in our hearts: that American is the greatest country in the world, no matter what Harrington and his socialist sidekicks would have us believe.

“Now I’ll tell you one more thing, although you probably know it anyway. During the upcoming campaign, she’s not going to have an easy time. There’s no way she’ll get a fair shake from the lamestream liberal media. They’ll slam her with everything they have. So get ready for the torrent of lies, the onslaught of false stories, and the flood of vicious rumors put out by Harrington’s cronies, and published in newspapers and publicized on television.

“You’ve seen it before. Well, you’re going to see it again.

“But don’t worry. We’re going to fight back on her behalf. So when they declare war on Cassie Mac with fabrications and falsehoods, we’ll defend her with the truth. We’ll block her enemies at every turn.

“What am I saying? I’m saying that we’ll do anything we can, anything we have to do, to ensure her victory.

“And why? For one reason: because America deserves Cassie Mac.”

¶ ¶ ¶

“This evening on Speakout, we’ll share reflections on the state of our union from one of our most eloquent commentators, a best-selling novelist and essayist, as well as a bracing observer of the national scene, Mr. Lowry Stewart. A pleasure to see you again, sir.”

“Bracing, eh? I’m not sure how to take that.”

“Kindly, as always.”

“Then my gratitude knows no bounds.”

“Good. Well, where should we start? Anything in particular on your mind?”

“Well, I’ve been observing with sad amusement the Senate race in my own state.”

“And your response?”

“Profound gloom, as usual.”

“You’ve known Vance Harrington for a long time, haven’t you?”

“‘Nigh onto forty years,’ as out sod-busting forefathers used to say.”

“You’re also distantly related, right?”

“Our mothers are second cousins, and he and I attended some of the same schools, albeit a couple of years apart.”

“Do you consider him a friend?”

“Let’s say he’s more than a casual acquaintance, but less than a bosom buddy.”

“And no doubt you’ve heard him criticized.”

“I’ve heard him criticized, derogated, disparaged, excoriated, and otherwise pilloried by a few of the flacks who service the people that own this country.”

“Now wait a minute. Does anyone really ‘own’ the United States?”

“The banks do.”

“Well—”

“The churches do.”

“Now wait—”

“Certainly the defense contractors and the weapons builders do. Manna may come from heaven, but how comforting to have a military sugar daddy.”

“Be that as it may— “

“It is. “

“Fine, but how you feel otherwise about Senator Harrington?”

“I would say that Cousin Vance is an amiable hambone, bought and paid for by corporate interests. But if he wasn’t, he wouldn’t be a Senator.”

“Still—”

“Still, he holds a few worthwhile values. And when compared to that misguided piece of stroodle who’s running against him, he comes off as downright Lincolnesque.”

“You don’t think much of Ms. McClellan.”

“Is that her name?”

“You know it is—”

“Now I remember.”

“I knew you would.”

“I would say that she is the embodiment of the hypocritical sophistry that passes for the conservative moral code. I might go further, but I doubt she would understand even that much.”

“Could you give me an example of such hypocrisy?”

“Of course. How about the first commandment of our unspoken national Decalogue: ‘Thou shalt hate sex’?”

“Now wait a minute. Do you mean that—”

“I mean that a vast portion of our populace recoils at anything sexual.”

“I don’t know—”

“If they imagine that someone somewhere, anywhere, might be lusting over a naked female breast, they rise up in outrage. ‘Cover it! Cover it!’”

“What about—”

“If they see two bodies entangled, whether male, female, or one of each, the thought of possible copulation leaves them breathless with a ‘horror, horror!’ that is beyond the imagination of even Joseph Conrad, were he alive to bear witness to our collective Mr. Kurtz.”

“But surely we have more than our share—”

“Of course, there’s the other side of the equation: if you slice off that breast, they have no problem.”

“Now wait—”

“Or if you impale those two bodies on a kitchen knife, then the forces of fundamentalism see nothing but virtue.”

“Are you sure—”

“I won’t even bother pointing out how we glorify violence with guns. Did you slaughter some helpless animal today? Did you dismember a duck? Massacre a moose? Then in conservative eyes, you’re a real American.”

“Yet we do hear outrage—”

“We never hear a peep about censoring violence. Only sex.”

“Now you’re exaggerating—”

“Not in the slightest. But I see surprise in your expression.”

“Only because I’m—”

“Why? Such fears are our legacy. The individuals who settled this country, those refugees from religious oppression, long fabled in story and song, merely imposed their own brand of fear and loathing right here—”

“Strong words—”

“– by committing genocide against Native Americans, all the while trying to establishing a theocracy.”

“You’re speaking of the Puritans—”

“Among others.”

“For instance—”

“I’ve always been amused how virtually all religions adhere to longstanding strictures about sexual and social intercourse that were dictated centuries ago by a bunch of withered, sexless males, ashamed of their own bodies and terrified of women’s.”

“I have a feeling you’ve just managed to offend a solid portion of our listeners—”

“No need for flattery.”

“Were you just stating what you consider the obvious—”

“Now, however, we’ve sanctified these misfits and gone so far as to pretend they were ordained by some deity to set down our ethical bylaws.”

“Isn’t ‘misfits’ too harsh a word—”

“Meanwhile, these same oppressors have never had any compunction about subjecting those whom they call ‘heretics’ and ‘infidels’ to the rack, the wheel, mutilation, hanging, burning, and the countless other diversions that amused our ancestors and continue to charm millions.”

“It’s a world-wide phenomenon, isn’t it?”

“Indeed it is. When we look at the history of the cruelty inflicted upon loyal followers of one religious doctrine by the fanatical adherents of another, only a single conclusion is possible: no animal on earth is more dangerous than the true believer.”

“Would you say that Vance Harrington agrees with you?”

“I would never be so bold as to speak for Cousin Vance.”

“But what do you presume he thinks?”

“I’m not sure he does think. But at least he adheres to a vaguely libertarian code that permits private citizens to seek happiness in their own way. After all, remember the celebrated, yet tarnished, emendation to the Golden Rule.”

“And that is . . . ?”

“Do not do unto others as they would do unto you. Their tastes may be different.”

¶ ¶ ¶

“The campaign for the United States grows more intense today, as attacks by challenger Cassie McClellan grew more personal.”

“Don’t you just love it when Senator Harrington tells us that he understands everyone’s financial problems? Don’t you laugh when he says he identifies with us?”

“Hah-hah!”

“I don’t see how he can. I mean, I didn’t grow up with four houses, one for each season. Most of the year, when I wanted a vacation, I stepped on our front porch. And my summer home was the back porch.”

“Yay!”

“I didn’t go to all those fancy schools, and I didn’t spend my Christmases skiing and snorkeling.”

“Hah-hah!”

“When was the last time Senator Harrington actually went shopping and paid cash for a loaf of bread or a carton of milk? When was the last time he bought clothes for his kids? Why do I have the feeling he doesn’t do that very often?”

“Hah-hah!”

“Somehow I doubt he’s worried about paying for medical care or finding a job.”

“Hah-hah!”

“Can he possibly know what it means to go hungry?”

“No!”

“Of course, he doesn’t. But we do!”

“Yay!”

“We know that if you run a house, you learn the value of money. You learn to spend wisely, to get a bang for your buck, and maybe to save a little. In other words, I have a few lessons for Senator Harrington and his Washington buddies who throw out our dollars as if we have an endless supply. We don’t! Right?”

“Right!”

“So what’s our message to Senator Harrington and his fat cat friends?”

“Hndsoff!”

“What?”

“HANDS OFF!”

“Hands off, Senator! HANDS OFF!”

¶ ¶ ¶

“In an interview today, Senator Harrington seemed to reply directly to Ms. McClellan’s accusations.”

“I would never denigrate Ms. McClellan’s experience, but may I suggest that my years of formulating budgets for cities, states, and the federal government have provided a measure of insight that Ms. McClellan, for all her domestic skills, has not yet acquired.”

“Yes, but doesn’t she have a point—”

“It’s easy to claim that shopping for food and clothes teaches fiscal responsibility. It’s quite another thing to apportion hundreds of billions of dollars for national security when the purchases in question are, among others, sophisticated weapons systems that have to be evaluated.”

“Yet she does have a point—”

“If she believes that Washington is out of touch—”

“I think she does—”

“– that sometimes we spend money on projects that may not have immediate impact—”

“And never will—”

“I agree with her! Look, I’ve been fighting for years against such waste—”

“And yet you yourself voted for several expenditures—”

“It happens to all of us.”

“Could you give me an example—”

“Look, I admit that I’ve voted to fund a few small projects that I didn’t necessarily support—”

“Like our state muskrat museum—”