Читать книгу Family Of Convenience - Victoria W. Austin - Страница 13

Chapter Three

To Do:

Wake up early

Gather eggs

Get water

Bring in wood for the day

Milk cow—well, try to milk the cow

Wash clothes

Hang clothes to dry

Churn butter

Make beds

Make stew for supper

Make bread

Beat dust out of rugs

Tackle mending pile

Weed garden

Work on knitting things to sell for extra money

Milk cow again?

Millie looked at her to-do list and frowned. She was hopelessly behind today. No, that wasn’t the full extent of it. She was hopelessly behind this month. Making her plans and lists was one thing. Actually doing them was a completely different thing. An increasingly frustrating thing, it turned out.

Between the two children outside her womb and the one inside, Millie was not getting anything done. At all.

Millie looked at her plans for the day and then scratched them out with a giant X. She hated that proof of her failure, right there for all to see. If she could, Millie would erase the always-uncompleted lists and pretend they never existed. But, she had used up all of her eraser doing that already. And, it hadn’t helped. She was still looking at a book of archived failures instead of a book of accomplishment.

“Miyi.”

Gene was awake. Millie closed her book and walked to the bedroom where the children were napping. She opened the door and was not surprised at all to see the little boy sitting up and grinning at her from the bed. Caty was still sleeping soundly next to him.

This had been their pattern for the past month. Both children would go down for their nap without a fuss, and both would quickly fall asleep. But, Genie woke up early. Every. Single. Time. Then, he grinned and charmed his way out of the rest of his nap. Millie supposed she should be firmer with him, but she just couldn’t. Not with that smile.

Millie came in and picked Gene up out of the bed. Holding him on one hip, she leaned down and adjusted the covers so they fully covered Caty. The girl would sleep for another hour or so, yet. Millie wasn’t too concerned about the difference in their nap time each day. Both children went to bed easily and on time. Both woke easily enough, too. Millie felt sure that each child was getting enough rest.

Millie left the door cracked as she went back out into the main room. She sat down in the rocking chair, adjusting Gene so he sat in her lap facing her.

“Well, Mr. Beale, did you have a good nap?”

“Yes!”

“Shh, you’ll wake your sister.”

“Blocks!”

Millie gave him her best mock-stern look. “May you please play with blocks?”

“Blocks, please?”

Good enough. Millie leaned forward and kissed his forehead before standing up and carrying him to the small area rug in the center of the room. She set him down and went to get the basket full of blocks from the corner. Genie would happily sit there, banging and making noises as he played, for hours.

He was a good boy. Actually, they were both good children. Millie had settled into life with them fairly easily. Compared to most of the children in The Home, Caty and Genie were amazingly well behaved.

Millie walked over to the kitchen table and eyed her notebook with disgust. No, it wasn’t the children’s fault that she was not getting things done. They took up some of her time, of course. But, they were not demanding children. And the time she spent with them was a joy.

She was the problem. Millie had been around women who were expecting before. She knew about the sickness that could plague the first few months of pregnancy. Or, she thought she knew.

It seemed that knowing and seeing were nothing like actually experiencing. Millie was past the first few months of her pregnancy. This feeling of illness should be over, but it wasn’t. Millie was tired. Really, really tired. And she was still getting physically sick every day.

The result was that notebook full of failed plans and more than one night spent obsessing about her failure. Just seeing it on the table made Millie want to go back to bed, pull the covers up over her head and hide from the world.

But, that wasn’t going to help anything.

Instead, Millie went into the kitchen and began cutting vegetables for the stew she planned for supper. She listened to Genie’s noises, pictured a sleeping Caty and looked at the main room of the house. Despite all her shortcomings, she had made her way to a nice place. A safe one.

The house was as charming as those two rocking chairs on the front porch had promised. The kitchen and family room were combined in one large room. At first, Millie had been surprised by the lack of privacy in the kitchen. She’d never worked in one that wasn’t enclosed in its own separate space.

But, she’d come to think the design was pure genius after only a few days with the children. Millie was able to work in the kitchen or sit at the table and still see exactly where Caty and Gene were and what they were doing.

Beyond the main room, the house had three bedrooms. Three seemed like a lot for this part of the country, and Millie felt almost spoiled. Adam had a bedroom, the children shared a room, and the third one was Millie’s.

Millie had never had her own bedroom before. She still felt a sense of wonder at the thought. Adam’s letter had made clear that he was seeking a mother for his children and someone to help with his home. Not for more intimate companionship. Even so, Millie never considered she would have a room of her own. At best, she’d hoped for a separate bed in with the children.

Even now, weeks later, Millie sometimes found herself standing in the doorway and staring at it. Making sure it was real. The room had a bed and a chest of drawers and too many small, comforting details to count.

The bed was covered in a gorgeous quilt. The care and love with which it was made was only enhanced by the softness that came from many washings. A vase of flowers sat on top of the chest. They had been there that first day, and Millie had kept fresh ones there ever since. The current assortment had been picked by the children. Especially for her. Curtains hung at the windows, sheer lace that let the light dance across the room early in the morning. A hooked rug lay on the floor next to the bed. And there was a rocking chair.

Millie had her own rocking chair in her own room.

When she’d commented on how beautiful it was, Adam had blushed. The man’s cheeks actually turned pink. He’d said that Edith was responsible, that it was all her doing. But, when Millie thanked Edith the next time she came out to visit, Edith had said it was all Adam’s doing. That he had requested a room for Millie that was both feminine and comforting.

Regardless of who did it, Millie loved her room.

She also loved this house. And these children. Really, it would be hard not to love Catherine and Eugene after spending more than five minutes with them.

Yes, things were going well. By anyone’s standards—with the exception of her failure to follow through on her carefully wrought plans for each day. Somehow, she could never seem to catch up...or escape the feeling of being on the edge of some sort of precipice.

Part of the problem was Millie’s sense of unfamiliarity with what was outside her front door. Inside the house, life was not too different from life in Saint Louis. Once she figured out where to find water, wood and food that was. But, outside was very different from anything Millie had ever encountered. And it intimidated her beyond belief.

Adam had tried to teach her what she needed to know. But he was busy every day. Between the fields from the farm aspect of the land and the livestock from the ranch aspect, he worked fifteen hours each day, coming home only for supper and an hour with the kids before bedtime. Edith said that was normal for this time of year. That things would slow down in late fall and winter and then they would have plenty of time together.

Millie didn’t know how she felt about that.

But, that was a worry for another day.

Despite his busy schedule, Adam had made sure Millie was comfortable gathering eggs and milking the cow. So far, those bare necessities and laundry had been the only reasons Millie had left the house. Until today.

Feeling like she had things inside the house under her control, today’s plan had included tackling the vegetable garden out back. It was in deplorable shape, largely due to inattention. Now that she was here, though, she wanted to get it back to its full glory. It wasn’t just aesthetic—they needed that garden for food.

Millie had some experience with small gardens, but had never tended anything as large as the monster out back. Of course, gardens in the city were meant to supplement food purchased from merchants. Here, though, the garden was supposed to be one of their primary sources of food. That made it a priority.

Millie glared at her notebook again. The one with the plan for her to work peacefully in that wreck of a garden while the children were napping. Too late for that now.

Well, it seemed that Millie was going to learn how to tend a garden and keep an eye on two small children at the same time. There was simply no other choice. Besides, the fresh air would probably do the children some good.

Two hours later, Millie found herself on her knees in the dirt. The plants here were definitely struggling, but they were not dead. Adam’s attempts at keeping the garden going around all his other duties had been enough to sustain life. Millie felt certain—okay, she really, really hoped—that the plants would flourish now that she was here to tend them regularly.

Oddly, the prospect excited her. Much like her room, this was a piece of earth that Adam had said was all hers. And, she wanted to do something with it. Make these dying plants and dark earth turn into a bounty of food that could feed them all year long.

“Am I doing it right, Millie?”

Caty and Gene had not hesitated to get down in the dirt with her. Genie’s chubby little fists were almost a blur in the beginning as he had just started pulling anything growing and tossing it in a pile. Vegetable or weed, if it was in his path it was yanked and thrown, all with an accompanying grin and nonstop chatter.

But, he was where Millie could see him, and was trying. Good enough. Besides, it took less than five minutes for Genie to decide playing in the dirt was more fun than dealing with pesky plants anyway.

Unlike her brother, Caty was taking her job very seriously. She spent long minutes considering the plants in front of her, fingering the leaves with solemn eyes and an intensity that almost made Millie sad. The girl looked so terribly fearful of getting anything wrong.

“You’re doing a great job, Caty. In fact, I’m watching what you do to make sure I get it right.”

Caty didn’t smile. “Really? I don’t think I am doing it the way I’m supposed to.”

Oh, Millie wanted to gather this child in her arms and just create a space where all Caty felt was love and acceptance. She didn’t. Instead she sat back and brushed the dirt off her hands. “I know what you mean.”

Caty looked at her. “You do?”

Millie nodded and smiled, heart still feeling almost too tender. “I’ve never had a large farm garden before, Caty. And certainly not a garden with weeds as big as the plants, all of them looking a little worse for wear. I am kind of guessing what to do here.”

Caty twisted her fingers in her lap. “Daddy tried to make a good garden. He tried really hard.”

There was no stopping Millie’s hand from reaching out and brushing down Caty’s hair. Then stroking her fingers over the child’s cheek. Millie’s muscles twitched with the urge to pull the child onto her lap, but she held back. She’d resolved to wait until Caty was ready to come to her, not wanting to push the girl. “I know he did, honey. And you know what? He did a good job.”

Caty’s eyes were still far too serious. Doubting.

“He did. I mean, look at all the vegetables that are growing here. I can’t wait to see what else comes up.”

Caty looked at the garden and nodded.

“And now all we have to do is clean it up a little. Then, we’ll have the best garden I’ve ever seen in my whole entire life.”

“Really? I mean, Daddy tried. But, it’s—” Caty was clearly trying to balance honesty and her loyalty to her father.

“A mess. Yep. But, it’s our mess, Caty-girl. And it will be our wonderful garden when we’re done.” This was the first time Millie had used Adam’s nickname for Caty. She watched, trying to decide if it made the girl uncomfortable. Really hoping it didn’t.

Caty went back to leaning over the area of garden where they were working, this time pulling a weed quickly and surely. “Yeah. It’s our mess.”

Millie smiled and took up a similar position. They were going to weed their garden in the sunshine. Life was good.

Millie’s enthusiasm had dampened somewhat an hour later. She was hot and sticky and absolutely filthy. She and Caty had also only made progress in about one fourth of the garden. Growing vegetables was harder than it looked. But, Millie pictured the end result and pulled at the next weed she saw.

She stopped when she heard a horse ride into the yard. The children ran to greet Adam as he dismounted. He gave them hugs and set them back down, telling them to go play as though nothing was amiss.

But something must be. Why else would Adam be home at this hour?

“Good afternoon, Millie. I see you’ve decided to deal with the disaster I made of the vegetable garden.”

His voice was courteous, as always. Adam’s treatment of her had not wavered since the first day. He was kind. Gentle. And distant. In other words, he was everything he had promised Millie he would be. And that was another thing that unsettled her to no end.

“I’m trying. I’ve never had a garden this big before, so I’m not sure I’m doing it right. Caty has been a huge help.”

Adam walked over and looked at her work. “You’re doing a good job. The part you two worked on looks perfect. You got all the weeds out, so the vegetables won’t be fighting them for space or water. All we’ll need is a couple of good rains and lots of sunshine.” Millie had thought so, but it still felt really good to hear someone else say it.

“You’re home early. Is everything okay?” His praise had given her enough courage to ask the question.

“For us, yes. We’re just fine.”

She liked that, too. Whether he thought it was easier or because he had picked up on her need for it, Adam often reassured her that everything was okay. His words did not make it so, obviously, but they still helped give her a sense of security.

Adam took off his hat, and wiped his hand across his brow. “I’m home because Jonas Miller came out to see me. He found me in the fields.”

“Jonas Miller? I haven’t met him yet, have I?”

“No. He’s another neighbor. A couple of farms out from the Potters.”

“Oh. Why did he come see you today? Isn’t he as busy as you are?” Sorrow crossed over Adam’s face, and Millie’s sense of unease grew. Adam did not come home in the middle of the day to have a simple conversation.

“No, he’s not. Not anymore at least.”

“What does that mean?”

“He’s giving up. Selling his farm and moving to Kansas City. Going to try to find some work there.”

“I don’t understand. He waited until the growing season, until he had paid for seeds and done the work to plant them, to decide he didn’t want to be a farmer?” Her tone gave away her bewilderment, but she was struggling to understand. Millie loathed being in situations she didn’t understand.

Adam looked at the kids, smiling at their antics as Gene pretended to be a chicken and chased a shrieking Caty. “This has been coming on for some time now,” he explained. “With the drought last year, Jonas used up all his savings to have a go at putting in the crops this year.”

“So, why is he quitting?”

Adam huffed out a small breath. He looked almost apologetic. “He’s thinking that this year will be a repeat of last year. He found a seller who wants the farm right away, crops and all, and he took the offer. Hopes to find better work in the city.”

Spots danced in Millie’s vision, and she sat down on the steps. “Why does Mr. Miller think that this year is going to be a repeat of last year?”

Adam sat down next to her on the step. “Because it’s looking like it might. We haven’t had a good soaker in months. Spring is usually a rainy, muddy time.”

“It has been raining,” Millie argued.

Adam shrugged. “More like drizzling. We’ve been getting damp, not drenched.”

“So, you’re going to lose all the crops? Again? Everything is just going to die?” How could that be? He went out and worked every single day. Why would Adam do that if all of his hard work was going to dry up and die? And why hadn’t she known that there was a drought in Kansas last year? That it had been too dry already this spring?

Adam moved to kneel on the step below her, his body slightly in front of hers. Facing her. “It’s okay.”

The man kept saying that. Adam had a very different definition of okay than Millie did, that was for sure.

“That’s why I have the cattle and horses. They will sustain us if we have another bad harvest of crops. Plus, the weather is unpredictable. Just because it’s been dry so far doesn’t mean there will be another drought.”

“Why?”

“Why?” Adam sounded confused now. Good.

“Why do you do it? Farm? Why not just have the ranch? I don’t understand why you would spend so much time and energy on such a risky endeavor.”

Understanding flashed across his face. “I do it because I’m a farmer. I enjoy the cattle and horses, but I’m meant to be a farmer. I’ve always known it. Planting. Tending. Harvesting. It all feels so right, Millie. I’m a farmer.” Adam took his hat off his head and brushed it against his thigh. He was looking in the distance, but his voice was still steady. Almost imploring. “You’re a farmer’s wife.”

Millie had no response to that. She certainly wasn’t in a position to order him around. To change anything about their circumstances.

Adam stood up. “I’m sorry I upset you. I didn’t mean to. And we can talk about this in more detail, if you want. But, later. Jonas came to ask for my help with fixing and loading some things as he packs up his belongings. That’s why I came home. I need to get my tools and head out to his place. He’s waiting for me.”

Millie stood up, too. “It’s fine, Adam. We’re fine. Will you be home for supper?”

“For that stew I smell? Absolutely.”

Millie nodded and straightened her apron. No way out but forward.

Adam said goodbye to the children, gathered his tools and left.

Millie decided to finish the section of her garden that she’d started. That was the next task. That was all she needed to focus on right now. But, this time when Millie looked at her vegetable patch, she didn’t see the promise of a bounty to come. No. She saw her future. So fragile and capable of being destroyed by a single whim of man or nature.

Not just her future. Her child’s future. And that of the two children she was quickly growing to love and claim as her own.

* * *

It was dark by the time Adam returned home that evening. Jonas had needed more help than he’d expected, but Adam hadn’t wanted to leave the man to finish on his own. Adam opened the front door and walked inside, uncertain of what his reception might be.

In the month since he had been married, life had been quite good. They had fallen into an easy routine, and his children were thriving. Today’s discussion was the first bump since their conversation about her meeting the children.

His new wife was very reserved and Adam did not understand everything that Millie kept hidden from him, but he knew she was afraid of the future. That was immensely logical to Adam’s mind. What little he knew about Millie’s past combined with the nature of being a woman in this world spoke volumes about her fear. She had been homeless. Penniless. Alone. She was afraid of being that again.

Adam looked around the room, hoping to see Millie and the kids waiting for him. But it was empty. Disappointment warred with frustration. Adam didn’t want tension anywhere in his home or marriage.

A glance in the kitchen showed the stew still being kept warm. That was something. He checked in on the kids, satisfied to see them tucked in and sleeping. Then, he walked to Millie’s closed bedroom door. Should he knock, see if she wanted to continue their conversation from earlier? She had been upset. Worried about drought and the future. And he had had to leave before he could soothe her fears. Adam felt bad for that, but she needed to learn that these things were part of life on a farm. And, she had married a farmer.

Adam moved his ear closer to the door when he heard a noise from inside. He didn’t want to intrude on Millie’s privacy or force a conversation if she wasn’t ready, but something about that sound set his nerves on edge. He heard the noise again.

Millie was getting sick.

Adam rapped on the door. “Millie, it’s Adam. I’m coming inside.” He probably should have waited until she gave him permission. But, Adam heard the sound of Millie retching again and refused to stand by and simply listen.

He opened the door and strode inside. Millie was sitting in the rocking chair, still wearing her dress and apron from earlier. Her hair was coming out of its bun as she bent over a chamber pot held on her lap. He walked over and crouched down beside her.

“Adam, you should go. You don’t—” Millie stopped speaking as she got sick again.

Adam couldn’t be here and not touch her. Not try to comfort her. He reached out and rested a hand on her back, rubbing up and down in what he hoped was a soothing manner. “Shh. It’s okay. I’m not going anywhere, and you don’t need to worry about anything. Just let it pass.”

They stayed like that for a few more minutes. Millie hunched over her bowl and Adam just being there, with a hand on her back. Had she been ill all day? Or for longer? Adam hadn’t noticed anything earlier, but they also hadn’t exactly been spending a lot of time together.

Adam moved his hand from her back to stroke her hair away from her face. He incorporated wiping a palm across her forehead into the motion. She didn’t feel feverish.

“I don’t have a fever.” Millie’s voice was hoarse, and she wasn’t looking up at him.

“Did you eat something spoiled?” He and the children were just fine, so that was unlikely.

“I’m fine. Please, just leave me alone.”

Adam winced at the hoarseness in her voice. She was not fine.

“It will take me a while to go get the doctor. I’ll leave just as soon as I think you’ll be okay alone.”

“I’m all right alone. I’m always alone and always all right.”

Adam flinched back at the force of her words. He put his hand back, trying to figure out how to get her to calm down. So far, he was only riling her up more.

“Okay. It’s okay. Just try to calm down.”

“Don’t tell me to calm down. I told you I’m not sick.” Millie had moved from despair to flat-out grumpy. Her mood swings were giving Adam a headache. He decided the best course of action was to keep quiet and just be here.

A few minutes later, Millie sat up all the way. She set the bowl down on the floor on the opposite side of where Adam was crouching. Then, she hunched back over and rested her face in her hands.

Adam saw a pitcher of water and a toweling cloth on top of the chest. He stood up and walked over to it. After wetting the cloth, he came back down to her side. When she looked up, Adam took the cloth and wiped her face, trying to both refresh and comfort her. She reached up and put her hands over his. Took the towel out of his hands.

“I’m sorry. I was rude to you.”

“It’s okay.”

“You say that a lot.”

“Say what?”

“That it’s okay. You’re always telling me that it’s okay.”

She had a point, but he wasn’t sorry. “That’s because I think everything will be okay.”

Millie just gave him a look he couldn’t decipher. Then, she took the cloth and wiped her face again, much rougher than Adam had. She started to stand, and Adam reached out and placed his hands over hers.

“You should rest a few minutes longer.”

“Well, to use your favorite words, I’m okay, Adam.”

“Millie. People who are okay do not get sick like that.”

“They do if they’re pregnant.”

Oh. Of course. Adam had been through this before. Twice. He should have known.

“You look surprised. Didn’t Sarah ever get sick while carrying?”

“She did. Just never this late into her pregnancy.”

“Yeah, well, I didn’t expect it to last this long either.”

Adam clenched his jaw to stop his smile. Millie sounded decidedly put out. It was kind of cute. “How long have you been getting sick?”

“Oh, about every day for forever.”

Yep. She was definitely not feeling any kind of glow. “Why didn’t you say anything? I could have helped out more if I had known.”

Millie stood up, brushed her hands down her apron. “It wasn’t worth mentioning. It’s just part of life. I am perfectly capable of handling anything this baby throws my way.” She moved over and picked up the chamber pot. “If you’ll excuse me, I want to clean this up and then go to bed. I’m tired.”

Millie started to hurry out of the room. She stopped, turned and looked at him. “Thank you for being concerned. I left the stew on for you.”

“Thanks. I’m famished.”

Left alone in her room, Adam breathed out a long sigh. He opened her window, hoping she would appreciate the fresh air when she returned. Feeling foolish standing there and waiting for some unknown something, he headed to the kitchen and dished up a bowl of Millie’s stew. Millie came back in the front door with a cleaned-out chamber pot. She gave Adam a small smile and went inside her room, closing her door behind her.

Adam ate the delicious stew with a slice of thick bread Millie must have made earlier in the day. He found himself thinking about that life inside Millie’s womb with a smile. His regrets about his first wife seemed to be endless, but his children were nowhere on the list. He cherished every moment his children had been in his life, including his wife’s pregnancies.

And now, he was going to be a father again. He’d been so focused on keeping his distance from Millie and being a good father to his children that he’d missed something so very obvious. He couldn’t do both. He could not be distant from Millie and love his children because one of his children was currently inside of Millie. And, Millie was the mother of his children.

He had sought out a mother for them, had brought her here. She was not an unrelated person he could keep on the sidelines. She was integral to his family.

He needed her.

He thought of Millie as being a person who needed safety and reassurance, but Adam was the exact same. He wanted more than a mother for his children. He wanted a partner. Out there. On his farm. But he was afraid Millie would see his need and refuse to stay by his side. That she would feel stifled or trapped. That she would be Sarah. Again.

Yes, Adam needed Millie to have the life he wanted. The companionship he was craving. That meant he needed to start doing his part. But how could he connect with his wife and build the foundation for a strong partnership without risking his heart again?