Читать книгу Candide: A Play in Five Acts - Voltaire - Страница 6

ACT I

SCENE 1

In the back a dilapidated Château, but possessing a door and windows. In front of the Château a small forest, baptized a park. Thickets and wild flowers—

BARON

(Entering) Hey! My pikeman! My wife! My Grand Almoner! Hey! Candide! Cunegonde! Hey Pangloss! Hey! Everybody—! I am very dissatisfied—I am furious—!

(Enter the Baroness followed by the Grand Almoner)

BARONESS

What’s the matter with you, my friend?

BARON

The matter is, Baroness—That I intend to remain master here—Am I no longer the high and mighty Baron Thunder-ten-Tronchk?

BARONESS

You still are my friend!

GRAND ALMONER

One of the most respected lords of Westphalia, whose Grand Almoner I have the honor to be—when I am not watching over the health of the souls of the Parish in my capacity as vicar.

BARON

(Going back and forth waving his whip) Where are my people? I think I haven’t yet whipped them today!

GRAND ALMONER

Milord, you treat them with too much kindness—that type mustn’t be treated too kindly.

BARON

Yes, I am too good. (Enter two pikemen). Ah—! There you are—swine, brigands—scoundrels—

GRAND ALMONER

Ask Milord’s pardon—

1st PIKEMAN

What did we do? (The Baron runs after them and administers his whip to them)

GRAND ALMONER

Don’t run away like that—You’ll tire the Baron.

BARON

(To Pikeman) I ought to hang you from the postern gate of my castle—You want to kill my honorable dogs, the most beautiful dogs of Westphalia—dogs of pedigree—noble dogs?

1st PIKEMAN

By doing what, Milord?

BARON

By feeding them the way you do—wretches! You gorge them.

1st PIKEMAN

Once a day I give them bread dipped in dishwater—and sometimes some bones left by Milord and his illustrious family—

BARON

That’s too much! My dogs are dying of indigestion—just as you will die yourselves—ruffians—Here the whole world eats too much—beasts and people.

BARONESS

It’s true. They’ve been gorged!

GRAND ALMONER

They are being delivered to the sin of gourmandizing.

BARON

It’s a scandal! I intend that this stop, you understand? (Brandishing his whip) My house is not an inn where everyone can stuff themselves at my expense to that extent! The animals and the people in my service have appetites that don’t coincide with their social position. Small folks must have small stomachs.

BARONESS

That’s evident!

GRAND ALMONER

That’s fair.

BARON

I will see to that. Besides, I am very dissatisfied with the appearance and the administration of my Château—

GRAND ALMONER

Which is one of the most beautiful castles in Westphalia!

BARON

An evil spirit reigns. The servants are inclined more and more to deviate from the good traditions of the past—Not only that, they eat too much but they permit themselves to argue. It’s unheard of! And when employing the rights my birth conferred upon me. I wish to correct them by switching their backsides with the whip God confided in me—They dare to take flight—!

PIKEMAN

Pardon us, Milord.

GRAND ALMONER

You will accuse yourselves of great sins when you come to confess—

BARON

Submission—respect—are gone—I ask myself what we are coming to—Poor Westphalia—you are heading toward the abyss! Happily—I am here—

GRAND ALMONER

We are here—!

BARON

I am going to put an end to this state of things so that my Château, which is the most beautiful castle in Westphalia will regain its fine appearance—! Two ways to do that! First of all, my whip! And then moral education—good, clean ideas—

GRAND ALMONER

I will answer for that—

BARON

No, my Grand Almoner, I have appointed you to my personal service as well as that of the Baroness. I have here a professor of Philosophy that I pay to instruct my daughter Miss Cunegonde and Candide, my nephew in the art of thinking.

BARONESS

Oh—your nephew—!

BARON

It is indeed true that my honorable sister who engendered him was not married. The gentleman who made this child was unable, you know, to justify more than seventy-one quarters when she possessed seventy-two. That’s why my worthy sister finally refused him her hand, after having, alas accorded him the rest. But little matter—Dr. Pangloss, professor of Philosophy to my daughter and my nephew will also instruct my men—

BARONESS

Now that’s an excellent thing, my friend.

BARON

The people need Philosophy. (He snaps his whip)

PIKEMAN

Long live the Baron! (Enter Paquette)

BARONESS

You hear, Paquette. Every day lessons from Doctor Pangloss.

PAQUETTE

(Laughing) He’s an excellent professor—He’s already taught me many curious things—(Enter Pangloss, Cunegonde, and Candide)

PANGLOSS

I heard “Long Live the Baron,” and I ran with my pupils to associate myself with this touching manifestation. “Long live the most powerful lord in Westphalia!”

BARON

Dr. Pangloss, I was waiting for you—I’ve decided to confide an important mission to you—a social one—! Here it is: I charge you with instructing my folks in the principles of goodness, of healthy philosophy—That which fortifies the role of masters and which affirms in the hearts of servants feelings of respect and submission—lastly—the philosophy which assures the happiness of individuals and social peace. Each day, at this hour, you will spread the good word.

PANGLOSS

I am very flattered—

BARON

You are going to begin immediately.

PANGLOSS

I am ready. A philosopher is always ready—I will instruct Milord’s people in the most reasonable, the best of doctrines, that is to say—the metaphysical—theological, cosmological—pedagogical—

1st PIKEMAN

(To second) What’d he say?

2nd PIKEMAN

He was talking about pederast—

BARON

Silence! (Brandishes his whip)

CUNEGONDE

(To Baron) Papa, do I have to listen? I’ve taken my lesson.

CANDIDE

Me, too—

BARON

Both of you stay, as I myself am doing. The metaphysical—theological—cosmological (Stammering) Anyway, this pederasty is the most excellent thing in the world—You can’t get too much of it. (To Pangloss) Begin, my friend!

CANDIDE

(To Cunegonde) It’s all the same to me—better, since I am near you.

PANGLOSS

(After wiping his nose and grimacing) Milord Baron, Milady, Miss Cunegonde, Mr. Candide—Your reverence, the Grand Almoner, (Making bows) Paquette.

(With a slight gesture) You others—Like the great systems The Physical—Theological—Cosmological pedagogy clings to a very simple principle. That principle is this: There is no effect without a cause—That principle admitted it follows naturally that everything is for the best in the best of all possible worlds.

PIKEMAN

That depends—I’ve just been stung by a wasp.

BARON

Silence! (He brandishes his whip)

PANGLOSS

Note carefully that the nose was made for glasses—Also, we have glasses—The legs are visibly designed to be in stockings and we have stockings. Stones have been formed to be quarried for use in making castles. That’s why Milord Baron has a Château and pigs were made to be eaten—so we eat pork all year round. Whips were made to be wielded by great lords, so Milord the Baron has a whip—Servants have spines and that’s why it’s just they wait when their master wants to whip them. Everything is linked together, everything is in a chain—all is admirably organized in nature and consequently in society—Which is part of nature. To argue, to dispute, to protest.

BARON

To eat too much.

PANGLOSS

That demonstrates one is unworthy of embracing—

CANDIDE

(To Cunegonde) Who are they?

PANGLOSS

(Hurrying his speech) The Metaphysical—Theological Cosmological Pedagogy—which proves that this Château is the most beautiful of all possible Châteaux, that Milord Baron is the most generous, the most brave, the most powerful of all possible barons, that Milady the Baroness is the best possible Baroness—that the happy subjects who are at their service are the most happy of all possible subjects, and that the society in which we live is the most beautiful, the most just, the most admirable of all possible societies. (He wipes himself off)

BARON

Very fine! (To Pikemen) You understood—imbeciles?

PIKEMEN

(After a short hesitation) Long live the Baron!

PANGLOSS

You see they are perfectly convinced.

BARON

That suffices—Tomorrow, same thing—! Second lesson—Come Madame. Let’s go into our beautiful castle. (He leaves followed by the Baroness and the Grand Almoner)

PANGLOSS

(To Pikemen) Go—Meditate on my instructions.

1st PIKEMAN

Us? You’re joking—

PANGLOSS

What!—You dare? Just now in front of the Baron—

1st PIKEMAN

That’s not the same thing. The Baron has a whip. (The Pikemen leave)

PANGLOSS

(To Candide and Cunegonde) Go take a stroll in the park. (They go) (To Paquette) You—Stay!

PAQUETTE

Ah, Mr. Pangloss, how well you talk! I didn’t understand much, but—

PANGLOSS

It’s really very simple—not only is everything good—but everything is for the best. So—here we are alone. Isn’t that what we wish?

PAQUETTE

Fie, sir—you are a strange philosopher—And your theories.

PANGLOSS

(Squeezing her) Let’s leave our theories.

PAQUETTE

Your speech—

PANGLOSS

It’s really a question of speeches—(Grabs her by the waist and embraces her) No words, deeds!

PAQUETTE

(Not resisting) What kind of Philosophy is that?

PANGLOSS

Always the same. There’s no effect without a cause. You have the prettiest possible figure—it’s made to be taken—And I am taking it—You have the rosiest, the freshest mouth possible—it was made to be kissed and I am kissing it.

PAQUETTE

Oh—but someone could see us.

PANGLOSS

Come, delicious Paquette—match your arguments against mine in this ditch. It will be very well for us to see if the same causes always produce the same effects. (He leads her into the ditch at the same time as Candide and Cunegonde enter the same ditch)

CANDIDE

Let’s continue to inform ourselves, darling Cunegonde.

CUNEGONDE

Without a doubt it’s a lesson in Philosophy—a private lesson! (They observe the frolics of Pangloss and Paquette which have become invisible)

CANDIDE

That to me has the appearance of experimental physics.

CUNEGONDE

Paquette appears to me to be very advanced—

CANDIDE

Yes—She’s a fine pupil.

CUNEGONDE

Experimental physics is a very interesting science.

CANDIDE

Thrilling!

CUNEGONDE

Ah, Candide, it seems to me, that I too, I have an inclination towards this beautiful science.

CANDIDE

My darling Cunegonde.

CUNEGONDE

My dear Candide—I feel very—moved—

CANDIDE

I have a heart that beats—that beats—(Cunegonde lets her fan fall—Candide picks it up—He takes her hand gracefully—and kisses it with excitement. She smiles—He embraces her)

BARON

(First speechless, then raising his arm) Oh!

BARONESS

(Raising her arm) For goodness sakes!

GRAND ALMONER

(Raising his arm) Heavens!

CANDIDE

I won’t do it anymore!

BARON

Bandit!

BARONESS

Swine!

GRAND ALMONER

Rake! (The Baron rushes at Candide, who flees—he catches him and gives him a big kick in the behind that propels him into the wings)

BARON

Don’t let me ever see you here again—for any reason. (Meanwhile the Baroness has socked Cunegonde who promptly faints)

GRAND ALMONER

Oh! My God! What a tragedy in the beautiful Château of Milord and Milady—I implore the aid of Heaven! (Enter Pangloss and Paquette, then the servants)

PANGLOSS

What’s going on? (The Baron returns)

BARON

That dirty rat allowed himself to embrace my daughter—I’ve given him a big kick in the ass—!

PAQUETTE

(Aside) Poor boy!

PANGLOSS

Well—There’s an excellent proof of my philosophy. Candide has an ass and Milord the Baron has a foot—! The foot is quite naturally lodged in that ass.—Which proves everything is made for the best end—and that everything is for the best in the best of all possible worlds.

CUNEGONDE

(Coming to) Oh, Mother, it was despite me that he embraced me—I swear it!

PANGLOSS

The honor of Miss Cunegonde is avenged. The Baron is the most fair and most powerful lord in Westphalia. The Baroness is the most vigilant and worthy of mothers—Therefore my friends. Let’s shout “Long live the Baron! Long live the Baroness!”

ALL

“Long live the Baron! Long live the Baroness!”

B L A C K O U T