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ACT I

SCENE 2

A public square called a Square of Arms in the Bulgarian village of Waldberghoff—Trark—Bdikdorff surrounded by Bulgarian style houses.

On the right, a cabaret, by the door of which are seated at a table, with bottles and two glasses, two NCO recruiters for the glorious Bulgarian Army.

AT RISE, the two NCOs are seated at the table—clinking their glasses.

1st NCO

I drink to the health of His Majesty, The King of the Bulgars, our glorious sovereign. (Rising) To the health of His Majesty, The King of the Bulgars—our glorious sovereign (They drink and sit back down. The 2nd NCO rises after having filled both cups) I drink to the glorious Bulgarian army. (They drink)

2nd NCO

(Rising and clinking his glass with his comrade) To the Glorious Bulgarian Army. (They drink, refill and without sitting) To the Glorious Bulgarian infantry! (They drink) To the Glorious Bulgarian Cavalry. (They drink, fill up, etc)

1st NCO

To the Glorious Bulgarian artillery!

2nd NCO

To the Glorious Bulgarian artillery! (They drink)

1st NCO

(Raising a bottle) The bottles are empty. And we still have to drink to the glorious Bulgarian genius, the glorious Bulgarian Quartermaster, and the glorious Bulgarian health service.

2nd NCO

That will be for tonight, tomorrow and the day after. We have plenty of time!

1st NCO

No—Tomorrow and the days following we will have to celebrate the glorious victories of the glorious Bulgarian army.

2nd NCO

To which we contribute by sending to battle all the brave young men, healthy and well built, and measuring at least five feet four that we can recruit. (With a cordial glance to a handsome young man who passes by) Hey, there!—Handsome blonde fellow—A little glass of wine? (The person spoken to responds with negative disdain and makes off speedily)

1st NCO

That didn’t work. Attention, have a peep at those strapping fellows! That’s our business. (Two young vigorous men come forward, turning) Well, comrades, it’s a great day—war has been declared!

2nd NCO

Let’s all shout, “Long live war!”

THE TWO YOUNG MEN

(Weakly) Long live war!

2nd NCO

Bravo.

1st NCO

(Trying to pull them) Come, comrades, we are going to enroll you under the laughing banner.

1st YOUNG MAN

(Pulling away, sneering) Do you think so?

2nd YOUNG MAN

No—just a joke.

2nd NCO

But anyway—come shout, “Long live war!”

1st YOUNG MAN

I’ll do that when you leave me in peace. (The two young men move away)

1st NCO

Another misfire! It’s not going good. They’re shouting but they are not marching. That’s no good for the war! (Noticing Candide who comes in skinny and ragged) Here, I think, is game less able to defend itself. His plumage is dull and his stomach probably empty. Let’s see.

2nd NCO

That’s it—let’s spring the trap. (The 1st NCO, followed by the 2nd NCO, advances towards Candide)

1st NCO

(To Candide with an engaging smile and a military salute) Greetings, comrade.

2nd NCO

Comrade, greetings!

CANDIDE

(Civilly removing his hat) Gentlemen, I am indeed your servant.

1st NCO

Nice time for a stroll, right comrade?

CANDIDE

(Drying his face) A little warm!

2nd NCO

A glass of wine wouldn’t be scorned, right, comrade?

CANDIDE

(At once tempted and cautious) Oh, sir—

1st NCO

With a good slice of Westphalia ham?

CANDIDE

From Westphalia—Alas.

2nd NCO

Some well marinated, sour cabbage, a bowl of cheese curds—and pastries from Sophia—

CANDIDE

(More and more tempted) Alas! Beautiful dream.

1st NCO

By God, comrade—We’ll do you justice.

2nd NCO

And you will dine with us!

CANDIDE

Gentlemen, you do me much honor but I don’t have the wherewithal to pay mine.

1st NCO

Ah, sir—men with your look and your deserts—never pay!

2nd OFFICER

Aren’t you at least five feet five inches high?

CANDIDE

You, sir, that’s my height!

1st NCO

Ah, sir—sit yourself down. Not only we will pay for you, but won’t ever suffer a man like you to lack money! Men are made to help each other.

CANDIDE

You are right. It’s just like Dr. Pangloss my preceptor always told me, and I see—everything is for the best.

2nd NCO

(Passing him a pile of money) That’s why you will please us by accepting these crowns with the effigy of our sovereign, the King of the Bulgars.

CANDIDE

Sir, you are indeed honest and I confess to you that such a present eases my circumstances and occurs very apropos—(He takes them) Please to accept all my thanks and allow me to recognize my debt to you by signing a promissory note—

1st NCO

What’s that mean? No promissory notes between us—We are not money lenders, but good and brave soldiers. What’s ours is yours, comrade—you will insult us by thinking otherwise.

CANDIDE

Gentlemen, gentlemen—I don’t know how to recognize your bounty.

2nd NCO

You will thank us sir by doing us justice.—Let’s go—to dine!

1st NCO

To dine—Hey—girls—Maritza, Nilchena, Petrovna—Serve us your best wine, your finest ham and your most distinguished provisions. (The servants leave the cabaret to hover around the three men, who’ve taken places at their table.

1st NCO (serving Candide)

Eat, young man!

CANDIDE

(Devouring the food) Gentlemen officers—I am confused and I didn’t expect.

2nd NCO

(Pouring wine) Drink, young man.

1st NCO

And know, young foreigner, that Bulgarian hospitality is proverbial.

CANDIDE

(With his mouth full) I’m noticing—I would like to be able to thank you suitably.

2nd NCO

Don’t thank us. What we are doing is quite natural.

1st NCO

Because we love you tenderly.

CANDIDE

(A bit surprised) Ah, really?

2nd NCO

And you, comrade, don’t you love tenderly?

CANDIDE

Oh!—Yes—I love Miss Cunegonde tenderly—who is the most beautiful of women. But, Alas! I never see her anymore, for having embraced her, I was ignominiously kicked out of the Château of Thunder-ten-Tronckh—the most beautiful of castles—by my uncle, one of the most powerful lords of Westphalia.

1st NCO

That’s quite possible—But it’s not a question of Miss Cunegonde. We are asking you if you don’t tenderly love the King of the Bulgars.

CANDIDE

Not at all, for I’ve never seen him.

2nd NCO

What! He’s the most charming of Kings. You must drink to his health.

CANDIDE

Oh! Very willingly, gentlemen, since that is so agreeable to you. (Rising and lifting his glass) To the health of the King of the Bulgars. (Drinks)

1st NCO

(Rising) That’s enough, you will support him, sustain him, defend him—The hero of the Bulgars—your fortune is made and your glory is assured.

CANDIDE

(Astonished) How can that be? Because I drank?

2nd NCO

Yes, young man! That toast has the value of a solemn oath. You are enrolled in the glorious Bulgarian army.

CANDIDE

Pardon, gentlemen, but I am Westphalian, and I have no intention of serving the King of the Bulgars. (The 1st NCO goes into the cabaret and emerges with a military cap which he places on Candide’s head, a shoulder belt which he passes to him and a rifle which he wants Candide to hold between his arms) Ah, allow me, gentlemen. I protest.

2nd NCO

About what? Mutiny, already? You will catch it my boy. (Puts handcuffs on him)

1st NCO

Silence—and you’ve got to march right or failing that a flogging. (A military march is heard approaching. The Glorious Bulgarian army makes its entry to the acclamations of the crowd accompanying it. The two NCO’s encircle Candide who struggling takes his place in the line.)

COMMANDER’S VOICE

Halt! Left face!

CROWD

Long live the army!

COMMANDER

Port arms! Present arms!

CROWD

Long live The King! (The imposing King makes his entry surrounded by a brilliant cortege of officers. Candide, petrified keeps quiet. The two NCO’s remove his cuffs and make him present arms. The King receives the troops while the fanfare renews its brass bellowing.)

KING

Soldiers, I am pleased with you—! And with you, as well, pale civilians: know that a new dawn of glory is rising in the firmament of Bulgaria! My cousin, the traitorous felonious and scorned King of the Abares, under the false pretext that my glorious army has pillaged and ravaged his territory, dared to declare war on me. I am going to have need of all of you, my children—Yes, my children, for I am your father—of you, soldiers to make you kill gloriously—of you, civilians—to make you pay gloriously, also—tenfold taxes. We are going to make war—a fresh and joyous war. We will burn towns, we will violate women, we will kill children—And a new luster well spread over our immortal Bulgaria, which marches in the avant-garde of civilization, soldiers and you, citizens, I invite you to shout with me “Long live the war.”

UNANIMOUS SHOUT

Long live war! (Soldiers and civilians appear to be greatly enthused only one bourgeois with a placid face in the first rank of the crowd remains mute. The King silently appraises this spectator)

KING

Who is that man who remains mute in the general joy? (All eyes focus on the abstainer) Let him be brought to me (Several soldiers rush on the placid civilian, seize him violently and bring him before the sovereign not without roughing him up a little) Why don’t you join in the general enthusiasm? Why don’t you shout “Long live war!” like the good Bulgarians surrounding you? Are you a bad Bulgarian? A traitor?

PACIFIST

Sire, I am not Bulgarian—I am Dutch. I love Bulgaria, but I also love peace.

KING

Enough! That impious word will be punished as it deserves. Let him be given 4,000 whacks with the baton and shot tomorrow morning. That will teach him to be Dutch and love peace!

CROWD

Bravo! Bravo! Long live the King! Long live war! Death to the traitor! (They lead the pacifist away and rough him up more. Candide thinks he can escape. Discreetly he puts down his rifle and as rapidly and furtively disappears by way of the garden. But the two NCO’s notice his attempt to escape)

1st NCO

And the other one there who’s cutting and running. (Runs after Candide)

2nd NCO

(Running to) Stop him! Stop him!

KING

What’s happening?

VOICES

It’s a deserter—a spy! (The NCOs bring back Candide very badly mauled by the crowd. They place handcuffs on him and irons on his legs)

1st NCO

Sire, this man who enlisted this morning in the glorious army station attempted to take flight. (Exclamations of indignation)

KING

To take flight at the moment when he’s going to have the honor of fighting—perhaps, dying for Bulgaria—! Are you such a coward?

CANDIDE

Sire, I am very unfortunate and I have no wish to die even for Bulgaria.

KING

That’s enough of that! I cannot take anymore. Put him with the other traitor and let him undergo the same treatment: 4,000 blows with the baton and tomorrow morning a dozen bullets in his hide I have spoken.

CROWD

Long live the King—Long live Bulgaria!

COMMANDER

Present arms. (The army present arms. The fanfare resumes the military music. The King moves away, theatrically with his staff)

C U R T A I N