Читать книгу Across The Line - Amy Lee Burgess - Страница 5

Chapter 1

The red dress on the back of the bathroom door called to me. Short, but not indecent, filmy but not see-through. Sexy but not trashy. I stared at it from my vantage point in the tub and couldn’t help but smile.

I loved to wallow in my favorite mint-scented bathwater until my fingers and toes pruned, but I couldn’t ignore the siren song of that dress.

Tonight marked an entire year since Liam Murphy and I had exchanged vows at the Great Gathering bonding ceremony.

Once on the bath mat, I toweled off, never taking my gaze from the new dress. The peridot and pearl bond pendant Murphy gave me that night shifted around my throat as I drew the towel across my arms.

Murphy didn’t know it, but I’d made reservations at an expensive French restaurant in the heart of Dublin. If we didn’t hurry, we’d be late.

A pang went through me as I briskly rubbed the towel through my wet hair. All day I’d waited for him to remember the date, but so far he hadn’t said a word. Thankfully, it wasn’t one of his bad days—when he brooded about Paddy and his father, but it wasn’t a great day either.

He’d spent most of it behind his laptop connected to the stock market. He made money for our pack, Mac Tire, that way. For us, as well.

For all I knew, he might have been using his work as a shield against grief—it wouldn’t be the first time, but I preferred it to the days when he sat on the sofa with a cold cup of coffee and stared into space. Those were the days I hated.

I’d managed to smuggle the red dress into the bathroom so he wouldn’t see it until I had it on. The cherry red stilettos I planned to wear with it were from Paris. I’d worn them the night we’d met.

I smiled, remembering that moment. Polite, yet reserved when we’d been introduced by Councilor Jason Allerton, Murphy had obviously resented my presence at the table. He’d barely glanced in my direction until one of the other people there asked me if I was the Constance Newcastle who’d killed my bond mates in a stupid, careless car accident. Then Murphy looked at me and his polite facade crumbled, replaced by disgust. He’d left the table and stranded me in a sea of British pack members who, after they’d had their fun making me squirm, cold-shouldered me out of subsequent conversation.

To hear Murphy tell the tale, he’d been smitten the moment Jason Allerton led me to the table. One of the stories he told people about us featured my red dress and how he’d known from the moment he saw me in it, we were destined to bond.

I didn’t all the way believe him, but maybe the truth was somewhere in between. All I knew was that he’d protected me at the Great Gathering and saved my ass by bonding with me.

Now a year later, we both had admitted our love for each other, but instead of wine and roses, we had grief and an invisible wall.

We talked—about inconsequential things. What should we have for dinner? How about this movie tonight? Jesus, the weather’s awful, isn’t it? But if I brought up Paddy, Murphy would shut down as if he were one of those animatronic robots at Disneyworld and it was closing time at the park.

Fee couldn’t make him talk about Paddy either, but he listened to her talk about him. Listened and held her when she sobbed against his chest while I dealt with Fee’s new baby, Will.

Four nights out of seven Fee and Will slept at our apartment—Will in his portable crib, Fee, Murphy and I tangled together on the bed.

What must it be like to have a twin? Murphy was endlessly patient with his sister and she relied on him with a faith that must weigh so heavily, but he never said a word of reproach.

This morning, after Fee packed up Will’s crib and his diaper bag and left to go home, I’d held my breath waiting for her to return. Usually when she left, she stayed gone for at least twenty-four hours, but with Fee it was hard to predict. All I knew was she’d be back, I just didn’t know precisely when.

So when I heard her voice in the living room, just as I reached for the sexy bra that went with the dress, my heart sank. Should I get dressed? Could I? How could I walk out there and remind her I had something to celebrate and she didn’t?

Paddy had been dead for three months. Fee was swamped with pain and guilt she hadn’t known he was in trouble, that he hadn’t shared his fears with her. I kept waiting for her to turn on Murphy in anger because he’d known everything, but so far she hadn’t. Murphy and I knew the stages of grief from bitter experience. We’d both lost our first bond mates to the conspiracy.

The bitter conflict between the Guardians, who wanted our world to remain as it was and Pack First, who wanted the Pack to reveal itself to Others killed them as it killed Paddy. Fee, Murphy and I were members of an exclusive, horrible club. Devastated survivors because our bond mates paid the ultimate price. I was determined the ranks of this club would not swell with more reluctant members.

That was why I was Jason Allerton’s Advisor and worked to reveal members of the Guardians, who took matters in their own hands and murdered Pack First members or sympathizers.

In the living room, Fee’s voice rose to a shrill pitch. I winced. Murphy’s murmured response was meant to soothe her, but she overrode him and now I discerned the thread of anger. She was bitching about her bond mates, Colm and Deirdre, especially him and since that was nothing new and I’d heard it all ad nauseum, I didn’t pay much attention to actual words. I was too busy mourning the fact my night out with Murphy had been torpedoed. So much for my red dress and fancy dinner reservations. Most likely it had been a bad idea anyway.

In the bedroom, I hastily hung the dress at the back of my side of the deep double closet. As always when I saw my shoe collection piled in a sorry-ass heap beneath my dresses and skirts, I heaved a sigh and mourned the loss of my walk-in closet in Boston. Dublin had taken a lot of getting used to and sometimes the lack of a walk-in closet seemed the deepest cut.

I threw on a pair of jeans and the red hand-knitted sweater Paddy’s mother, Maureen, made me. She ran a small mail-order clothing line. Sweaters, vests, jackets, baby clothes—all knitted by hand. Some of the other members of the pack contributed their talents and recently one built her a website. The website made me nervous. Too high tech for some of the Guardians. I hoped we’d rooted the bad ones out with the deaths of Grandfather Mick, Declan Byrne and Glenn Murphy, but didn’t know for sure. So I kept an eye on Maureen and the girl who’d designed the website, just in case.

When I walked into the main room of the apartment, Fee still stood in the doorway, her face flushed red with fury. Will dangled in his car seat from one of her clenched fists and made fussy noises indicative of hunger.

Did we have any breast milk in the refrigerator? With Fee so caught up in her anger, the last thing she probably wanted to do was take a time out to nurse.

I didn’t bother to say hello. She’d left not even seven hours earlier. Instead, I tacked right, into the galley kitchen.

Score. Three bottles of breast milk and all of them within the expiration date. I popped the oldest into a cup of hot water to warm and walked over to where Fee stood yelling at Murphy.

She’d crossed the line from shrill to shout in the space of time it had taken me to get the bottle. Murphy listened to her patiently. He had one hand on her shoulder. Touch was important to Pack. Did he derive as much comfort from the touch as she did? Did she even know his hand was there?

Perversely, I was glad to see her mad. For the first time in ages she was angry. A good sign she was beginning to move on in her grief. But I predicted it was going to be loud around our place for a few weeks.

Will’s little rosebud mouth puckered into a bow as he let out a protesting wail when I lifted him from the warmth of his blanketed car seat. Fee had bundled him up in one of Maureen’s knitted jackets and a blue cap with an adorable white yarn puff on top.

“You greedy, hungry baby, you just wait a few more minutes,” I told him as I struggled to hold his small arm still so I could take off the jacket. The heat was too high in the apartment again but Fee was always cold so we kept it up. Neither of us had remembered to turn it down. Murphy had been wrapped up in the stock market and I’d cleaned. Guests with babies left an awful lot of disarray in their wake. I suspected Will had more blankets, binkies and clothes here than he did at the house Fee shared with Colm and Deirdre.

I found one of his cloth rattles—the one in the shape of a lamb—and shook it in his face to distract him from the fact he was hungry and there was no food. He was having none of it. His face scrunched up into a miniature red-cheeked version of Fee’s and he let out another indignant blat.

Born three weeks after Paddy’s death, he was just over two months old. He mostly slept and ate, but when I spoke to him, he swiveled his head in my direction, and I swore, listened to me. Did he recognize my voice? He’d spent much of his young life cradled in my arms as Fee wept in Murphy’s.

His eyes had settled into their permanent color. Left eye blue, right eye brown. Just like his father. His hair was growing in black and curly, also like his dad’s. Otherwise, he was a carbon copy of his mother. He would have her quicksilver good looks. She and Murphy closely resembled each other, so maybe when Will grew up he’d look like his uncle Liam. That thought made me smile, and I pressed a kiss to his wrinkled little old man forehead, which made him squirm. He cooed, his earlier temper tantrum forgotten. If only adults’ bad moods could be as swift and mercurial as babies’.

Occupied as I was with Will, I’d tuned out most of Fee’s impassioned diatribe, but once he was settled in the crook of my arm, greedily sucking on his bottle, I spared some of my attention for her.

“He’s just doing it to be difficult, because he knows damn well I don’t want to fuck him. I don’t want to fuck anyone at this point, Liam.”

“I think he’s doing it for the pack’s sake, Fee,” Murphy told her. “Think about this for a minute. None of us seem to be getting over the shock and pain very well. This could help us.”

“I don’t want to get over the grief. Do you hear me, Liam Murphy?” The tendons in Fiona’s neck stuck out from the force of her shout. Will gave a convulsive jerk in my arms and the nipple slipped from his mouth. He added his scared wails to her angry shout and I hastily plugged the nipple back in and hoped the poor thing wouldn’t choke.

Jesus, could she not take three minutes to calm down and let her poor son drink his milk?

“Getting over the grief doesn’t mean forgetting him, Fiona,” I said.

Both Fee and Murphy turned in my direction as if surprised to find me there. That was nothing new. Half the time I thought I must invisible to them. Just a ghost who took care of the baby. A housekeeping ghost who put food on the table they rarely bothered to eat then cleaned it all up again.

I told myself to be nice because I knew what it was like to lose loved ones.

“I won’t be forced into this. You know that sonofabitch has called the hunt for tomorrow morning? Without my consent, he’s called the hunt and all the pack has known about it for days now. He finally bothered to inform me an hour ago. Bastard.”

“I didn’t know about it,” Murphy said. He took a deep breath.

“It was posted on the pub wall, and he’s been making phone calls. But he didn’t call you, Liam, because the gobshite knew I was here with you.”

“Why did he leave us out? Why is calling a hunt so awful, Fee?” I was confused. A hunt sounded like fun to me. Since Paddy’s funeral, Murphy spent most of his time with Fee and on the computer. Also, many, many members of Mac Tire managed to drop by to see him or ask him to go somewhere so they could talk.

Everyone knew Murphy and Paddy had been best friends. Mac Tire was reeling from the blow of losing their Alpha male and also their Regional Councilor, Glenn Murphy. It was a one, two punch nobody seemed able to deal with.

Murphy knew how to listen. He knew how to say what was needed. He guided, advised and sometimes just lent a shoulder to weep on. I’d watched him do it a dozen times and more these past three months.

Consequently, we didn’t have much time together. We’d made love exactly twice since Paddy’s funeral and neither time shifted because Fee showed up before we could get to the forest.

I’d hoped tonight after a leisurely dinner, I might seduce him and we would shift. That wouldn’t happen now because it would take hours to calm Fee down. But a hunt tomorrow could make up for losing out on the dinner seduction scenario tonight.

I wanted to let my wolf free. She was gloriously normal now and last time she’d run with the pack, it had been at Paddy’s funeral and it had been a sad, solemn, gut-wrenching hunt. I wanted something upbeat and blood-stirring. I missed Paddy like hell, but we had to go on. Things like hunts would be small steps in the right direction.

“Because the high-handed bastard intends to administer the pack bond before we do, that’s why, Stanzie. And he needs my blood for it. Are you that stupid, I have to explain it to you?” Fee’s voice dripped sarcasm, and I gulped.

Pack bond. A terrible chill swept through my body. My fingers slackened enough around Will’s bottle that it slipped out of his mouth again. He wailed as the bottle slid with a wet thump to the hardwood floor at my feet.

“Now you’ve done it.” Fee swept across the room to snatch her son out of my limp arms. She rocked him and crooned something in Irish as she fumbled with one hand to unbutton her jacket and blouse. “And how old is that fucking milk you’ve been poisoning him with?” She gave the bottle a contemptuous kick with her boot so it skittered across the floor somewhere beneath the dining table.

“I…it’s not old. I checked the date first.” My lips were numb. Was I going to pass out? Everything seemed so oddly bright and yet frighteningly dim.

“It’s all right, Stanzie,” said Murphy. He sounded so kind. So understanding. Could he possibly understand the tumult of emotions gripping me right now?

My wolf was normal. Free of the yoke of the unactivated pack bond my father forced upon me when I was a baby. I’d shifted three times since it had been lifted. Once when my wolf was out of control because it was the first time she’d ever been free of the pack bond. That had been a giddy, scary, roller coaster of an experience. Once after Paddy’s murder when she and I had been wracked with grief and then again at his funeral. She’d never run free and unfettered just for the hell of it. I’d waited and waited, patient because if anyone understood the grief of losing a loved one, it was me.

But now a new pack bond would be thrust upon us, While intellectually I understood it wouldn’t hurt her, cold terror settled in my heart.

“A pack bond right now would be the best thing for Mac Tire.” Murphy stepped around Will’s car seat so he could sit beside me on the sofa.

“You don’t understand a feckin’ thing,” shouted Fiona and Will, who had been calming down, gave another frightened wail. Fee shushed him by sitting in an arm chair and giving him her breast.

Paralyzed, I couldn’t turn my head to look at Murphy. I wanted to see his face, but couldn’t move.

“Stanzie, if you can’t stop stinking up this room with your fear, can you please go somewhere else?” Fee glared at me. I couldn’t see her face, but the burning wrath of her gaze was hot on my cheek. “What the hell are you scared for anyway?”

“The pack bond, Fee,” Murphy reminded her. He stressed her name as if to jog her memory. Maybe it was a reproach too because she sucked in her breath as if struck.

“For fuck’s sake,” she snarled. “We don’t have time for your petty little fears right now. Get over it. A pack bond won’t hurt your precious wolf and you know it. Why can’t you sympathize with me and what I’ve got to go through instead of wallowing in your own self-pity?”

“I’ve been wallowing in yours for three months. Do you suppose I could have two minutes for myself?” The words rushed from my mouth before I could take them back.

Again I told myself she was grieving. She’d lost Paddy. Sick to my stomach, I remembered what it was like to lose Grey and Elena.

Shocked silence for a beat, then Fee burst into ugly tears. Will howled and Murphy cursed beneath his breath.

Tears pricked my eyes. Poor Murphy. I’d made his night even harder because now it would take much longer to talk Fee around. I was such an idiot. Fee was right. I had no time for self-pity or fear. I needed to suck it up and deal. The pack bond would supposedly help everyone. I had no idea how because I thought they were devices from hell, but I was a member of Mac Tire and if they took a pack bond, so would I.

My lips trembled and I leaped to my feet, brushing away the hand Murphy stretched out to me. He didn’t have time to deal with me too. He needed to concentrate on Fee.

“I’m sorry, Fee.” My voice was choked. “I’m sorry.”

She refused to look at me and buried her face in Will’s sweet-smelling hair. I retreated to the bedroom and curled up on the bed.

* * * *

“Want to talk about it?”

I jerked in the bed and rolled over to see Murphy assembling Will’s portable crib. He’d switched on the desk lamp and the yellow light spilled across his tired face as he worked.

I must have dozed. A glance at the clock on the nightstand revealed it was the middle of the night. Nearly one o’clock.

“Fee?” I whispered.

“Sleeping in the chair finally,” he answered. “I’ll carry her in after I settle the baby.”

“I’ll get him.” I slid to the edge of the bed and rubbed my sleep-encrusted eyes.

“Will you be all right? Colm’s determined to do this thing tomorrow. I called him and couldn’t get a word in edgewise. Five minutes of impassioned screaming. In stereo. One ear was him, the other Fee.”

“I must have slept through it.” I yawned guiltily.

He cast me an amused look, but he looked so damn worn out. “Good for you.”

He finished setting up the crib and turned toward me. “Will’s in his car seat and they can both sleep where they are for now if you want to talk.”

“What about?” I tried to find a brave smile, but was fresh out of such luxuries.

Murphy scrubbed along the edge of his jaw. His fingers rasped against his beard stubble. When was the last time the poor man shaved? He’d verged past sexy stubble two days ago and was now closing in on unattractively prickly.

“Really, it’s the best thing for the pack,” he said. “All this fucking grief, we’re mired in it. We’re not moving forward. A pack bond will help.” His tone was wistful, as if he only half believed in his own bullshit.

I swallowed hard and slid off the bed. I wanted to talk to him in the worst way, but it wasn’t fair. It was one o’clock in the morning and he was flat-out exhausted.

“I believe you,” I said, and his smile turned affectionate. He took a step toward me, as if he meant to hug me, but Will chose that moment to cry out. The poor thing disliked his car seat intensely.

“I’ll get him.” I darted out the door and across the living room floor to rescue him before he roused Fiona.

She was sprawled in the arm chair, still with her jacket on, blouse buttoned wrong. Tears had left shiny streaks across her cheeks and her sandy blond hair was lifeless and bedraggled around her shoulders. She looked so pathetically alone, tears rose in my eyes.

What the hell, Paddy? Why did he fucking have to die? Irrational anger bloomed within me. He was supposed to have given me the pack bond. I trusted him. I loved him. I didn’t know Colm O’Reilly and the thought of drinking his herb-infused blood sickened me. Terrified me.

I scooped Will from the car seat and bounced him against my shoulder, cradling his little head in my hand.

As soon as his face pressed against my skin, he quieted. Pack children needed touch. Hell, so did Pack adults.

Murphy lifted Fee’s limp body and moved ahead of me into the bedroom. He set her down gently on the bed while I placed an already sleeping Will in his crib. As I looked at him, he gave a hitching, little sigh that tore at my heartstrings. This little boy would never know his father. He’d hear stories and see pictures, but he’d never, ever know his father’s touch.

Anger bloomed inside me again and I beat it down. Pointless. Useless. What was done was done and now it was time to pick up the pieces and move on.

By the time I turned away from Will and the crib, Murphy was stretched across the bed next to Fee, sound asleep. He hadn’t even undressed or crawled beneath the covers.

I shook out a blanket and drew it over him. When I smoothed the back of my hand across his stubbly cheek, he murmured something in his sleep. My name. This time when tears choked me, I let them fall because no one else could see them but me.