Читать книгу Ready for Marriage? - Anne Marie Winston - Страница 14

Seven

The words were shocking, even to him. Derek suddenly couldn’t draw a deep enough breath and an instant tension stiffened his limbs.

Kristin froze in his embrace. She didn’t say a word.

‘‘Kris.’’ He stepped back and took both her hands in his, then took a deep breath and dropped to one knee in front of her. ‘‘Will you marry me?’’

God. The sound of the words hitting the air was nearly a physical pain in his heart. He’d spoken those words once before, holding Deb in his arms on a park bench just as a brilliant sunset feathered across the sky.

He and she had been young. So young. Who could have known that she’d be dead in just over a decade, years before her time?

Kristin was still standing in front of him, and he forced himself to set aside the painful thoughts. The past was over. Buried.

And he realized she hadn’t said a word.

He cleared his throat and tried to smile. ‘‘I, ah, didn’t think you’d find a marriage proposal from me abhorrent.’’

‘‘It’s not that,’’ she said slowly, soberly. ‘‘It’s shock. You didn’t want to marry me last month. What’s changed?’’

‘‘I didn’t know what I wanted last month. Not even last week,’’ he said honestly, trying to give her question the respect it deserved. ‘‘Ever since you first brought up the idea of marriage my head’s been in a spin. I thought I was content with the way my life was going, but I don’t think it was contentment I was really feeling. I was in a rut and it was easier to stay there than to look for a new path.’’

Kristin swallowed. Her eyes were wide, a dark mossy green filled with shock. ‘‘And the new path is asking me to marry you?’’

He rose and smiled down at her. ‘‘It’s not a new path, is it? It’s one that I’ve been avoiding taking for too long now.’’

Something moved in Kristin’s eyes, some screen dropped and he was momentarily seared by…by what? What had he seen? Pain? Anger? ‘‘Wow,’’ she said. ‘‘Overwhelm me with romance, Derek.’’

Romance. The word reminded him of Deb again, of the excitement and anticipation he’d felt during their courtship and early years together and a wave of grief stronger than he’d felt in months swamped him. This was nothing like that. And he didn’t want her thinking, couldn’t have her thinking or hoping it could be. A lump rose in his throat and he had to pause for a moment before he could speak.

‘‘Look,’’ he said. ‘‘I’m not young and romantic, Kris. What we have between us isn’t romance, but it’s just as good in many ways. Friendship, dependability, shared interests.’’ He lowered his voice. ‘‘I can promise you that I’ll be faithful. And I think we’ve safely established that we’ve got chemistry on our side.’’

‘‘Sexual compatibility is nice, but it’s certainly not a good reason to marry someone,’’ she pointed out.

He was beginning to feel a little frazzled. What the hell did she want from him? Hadn’t he just done exactly what she’d wanted? ‘‘I’ll be a good provider. You can work or not, I don’t care, as long as we have good child-care arrangements for Mollie.’’

‘‘And other children?’’ Her voice was little more than a whisper, but the question froze him in place.

More children? God, he’d never even considered that possibility. He’d been stupid not to, he saw now. Kristin was a young woman. Of course she would want children of her own.

Children of her own. Children with him. It was almost hard to breathe in the close confines of the little room. ‘‘I, ah, I need some time to think about that,’’ he managed to say in what he hoped was a relatively normal tone. ‘‘I see that we have a lot more issues to think through than I’d first considered. Let’s talk more tonight.’’

‘‘You still want me to come over for dinner?’’ She sounded vaguely surprised and he realized he hadn’t been all that successful at concealing his turbulent emotions from her after all.

‘‘Yeah.’’ He put out a hand and stroked the back of his fingers down her cheek. ‘‘I do. Will you come?’’

She smiled, although he thought it seemed a little shaky. ‘‘All right.’’

It took all the nerve she possessed to force herself to approach the front door of her childhood home at seven that evening. She’d been letting herself in with a key for years, first when it was her home and more recently after Deb’s death. But tonight Kristin felt like a stranger as she stood on the stone front porch holding a plate of the rice cereal treats that she knew both Mollie and Derek loved.

She rang the doorbell and shifted restlessly from foot to foot as she heard Mollie’s racing footsteps. Derek’s heavier tread approached at a more sedate pace. She was afraid when she opened her mouth to speak all the butterflies in her stomach were going to spill right out in a wild, bright-colored swarm and flit away. Of course, they would have left behind cocoons chock-full of new ones to replace them.

The door swung open and even though she was expecting it, her stomach lurched. Derek stood facing her as Mollie danced madly in front of him, chattering a welcome. Over the little girl’s head, their eyes met and the breath whooshed out of her lungs at the heated awareness in his blue gaze. Her abdomen contracted sharply as he surveyed her from head to toes and back again. She’d taken special care with her appearance tonight, not wanting to be too dressed up and yet wanting to be sure he noticed her.

From the look in his eye as he checked out her sleeveless, scoop-necked aqua sweater and short, beige linen skirt, she’d succeeded. ‘‘Hi,’’ he said.

‘‘Hi.’’ She didn’t know what to say to him; the things they needed to talk about weren’t issues that could be easily discussed with the distraction of a child.

Mollie grabbed her hand and tugged her into the foyer. ‘‘Come see my new baby Daddy bringed!’’

‘‘A new baby?’’ Feeling unbelievably skittish and shy, she concentrated on Mollie. ‘‘What’s her name?’’

‘‘Zu-zie.’’ The little girl took her hand and tugged her toward the family room.

‘‘Ah. Susie. I like that name,’’ Kristen said. She glanced over her shoulder at Derek and caught him grinning.

‘‘Shall I take those?’’ he asked, indicating the dessert bars.

‘‘Yes, please,’’ she said. ‘‘But don’t you dare eat any before dinner.’’ And with that small exchange, she suddenly felt much more comfortable, as if the world had righted itself to a more familiar perspective.

Derek snapped his fingers. ‘‘You know me too well.’’

‘‘And don’t you forget it.’’ She returned his smile and their eyes held for a long moment. But it didn’t make her nervous or jittery this time. It was true. She did know him well. She couldn’t think of a single thing she could be asked about him that she wouldn’t know.

Mollie claimed her attention again then, and while Derek got dinner on the table, she played with the little girl. As she did so, she realized how much she had missed these times together. Mollie seemed to have grown taller just in the short time since Derek had enrolled her in day care. And she was learning to tie ‘‘bunny ears,’’ she informed Kristin. A pang of loss shot through her heart at that news.

And then a different feeling smote her heart. If Derek really wanted to marry her, Mollie would be her daughter, just as she’d imagined so many times in her daydreams. It was almost too much to hope for, and she forced herself to turn off the frantic thoughts vying for notice in her mind.

She read the little girl several stories. After that, while Mollie became engrossed in folding her baby’s blanket, Kristin got up and moved into the kitchen. She felt odd, acting like a guest when she knew how hectic Derek’s life was. He didn’t need the added stress of entertaining.

‘‘Need any help?’’ she asked him, automatically opening the drawer where the flatware was kept.

He smiled, but shook his head. ‘‘Believe it or not, I have everything under control. I set the table earlier so I wouldn’t have to worry about it, and the potatoes should be just about done. Why don’t you just sit down over there and keep me company?’’

‘‘Nobody needs me anymore, just as I predicted,’’ she said, trying for a light tone as she perched on one of the bar stools at the center island. ‘‘Mollie’s learning to tie and you’re managing to cook.’’

‘‘Hold on a minute.’’ Derek set down the spoon he’d used to stir the green beans and came around the corner of the island. ‘‘We may be learning a few new tricks but we’ll always need you, Kris.’’ He reached for her, pulling her into his arms, and she instantly felt the lack of oxygen to her brain at the feel of his hard, warm body against hers. She hadn’t expected the embrace, hadn’t expected him to act like a lover, although that made little sense given the way he’d acted earlier in the day. Still…she’d been in and out of his home for years as a friend and the sudden shift felt distinctly weird.

He kissed her lightly, but before she could respond he released her and walked back to the stovetop. ‘‘I’d better get this meal on the table.’’

It was wonderful to sit down and have a meal with Derek and Mollie again, and afterward she convinced him to let her give Mollie her bath while he cleaned up the kitchen.

‘‘I meant for you to be strictly a guest tonight,’’ he told her ruefully as Mollie raced ahead of her up the steps.

‘‘Derek, I want to do this,’’ she said. ‘‘I’ve missed you two terribly.’’

‘‘Exactly what ‘this’ have you missed, Kris?’’ he asked, his brows drawing together. ‘‘You’re the one who quit coming around, who quit eating with us.’’

‘‘Who quit cleaning your house and helping with your laundry.’’ She could feel her temper rising at the censure in his tone.

‘‘Don’t put words in my mouth. It wasn’t what you did that we missed, it was your presence.’’

She didn’t know what to say to that. So in the end, she said nothing. But as she turned and started up the stairs, Derek said quietly, ‘‘Once Mollie is in bed, you and I are going to finish this conversation.’’

Derek paced around the family room, too nervous to sit. Kris was still upstairs reading Mollie one last story after he’d said good-night, but she couldn’t linger much longer.

He was impatient, which was rare in itself. Normally he was content to allow the passage of the days, to let events and incidents come about in their own good time. He also, he admitted, was a master at ignoring anything he didn’t want to face. That was the only reason why he’d allowed himself, Mollie and Kris to drift along like this for so long.

Kristin was right. They had to move on, one way or another. And the one way he couldn’t countenance was not to have her in his life.

He took a deep breath, blew it out. The more he thought about it, the more a marriage between them made sense. He wanted it. Wanted her. But not just for the sex, although he was still stunned at how hot and wild the passion between them could flare—

‘‘You look as nervous as I feel.’’

He spun around and there she stood in the doorway. The aqua sweater set off her fair skin and made her eyes look even greener by contrast. It hugged her curves and the short skirt showed off her shapely legs, reminding him of how effectively she’d hidden herself from the world for so long.

‘‘Why did you do that?’’ he asked before he could stop himself.

‘‘Do what?’’ She looked puzzled as she walked forward and took the seat he indicated on the couch.

He made a general up-and-down motion that encompassed her figure. ‘‘You used to wear baggy shirts and jeans all the time. Now you look…you look like a woman.’’

Her face crinkled into amusement but a pretty blush crept into her cheeks as she laughed aloud. ‘‘If that was a compliment, thanks.’’

He felt his face heat as well, but he said calmly, ‘‘Oh, it was. Let me rephrase that. Now you have curves that drive a man wild just thinking about what you look like beneath your clothes. That drive me wild,’’ he amended, looking her straight in the eye.

She looked away first. ‘‘Wow.’’ She blew out a breath. ‘‘I can’t get used to talking like this with you.’’

He used the opportunity to lower himself beside her, stretching out his long legs, slipping out of his shoes and crossing his ankles with his heels propped atop the solid coffee table before them. Kristin was sitting bolt upright beside him as he slouched down onto his spine, and he took her by the elbow and tugged her backward, sliding his arm around her at the same time. Smooth, if he did say so himself.

She allowed him to draw her close but he could tell she was still stiff and ill at ease, so he picked up the remote off the arm of the couch. ‘‘Want to catch the news?’’

They sat in silence for a long while, absorbing the top stories of the day. It was largely depressing stuff, focused on political maneuverings, war and civil upheaval around the globe, spectacular fatalities and grim reports of worldwide illness and famine. After a while, Kristin sighed. ‘‘I’m probably crazy to be considering bringing more children into this world, aren’t I?’’

The atmosphere in the room changed instantly but he forced himself to stay relaxed. She didn’t look at him, but kept her gaze directed at the television, so he followed suit. ‘‘Deb and I talked a lot about that, before we decided to have children,’’ he said. ‘‘But I think seeing the news like this gives you an inflated feeling of pessimism. There’s a lot of good in the world as well. It just doesn’t make for great ratings like the bad stuff does.’’

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw her smile. ‘‘Well put. And probably true.’’

He took a deep breath. ‘‘So…you want children?’’

She turned her head and looked straight at him. ‘‘I want your children.’’ There was a small, electric silence, and she hurried on. ‘‘I’d like Mollie to have at least one sibling. I was an only child and always envied kids with brothers and sisters. They seemed more like a real family to me.’’

I want your children. All he could seem to think about was how they were going to create those children, and he felt his body stirring and responding to the images he couldn’t shove out of his brain. Then he realized she was still speaking.

‘‘…thought any more about whether or not you want more kids?’’

‘‘Yeah,’’ he said. ‘‘I mean, I have, and I think you’re right. Mollie should have siblings. And honestly, I don’t just want more children because of Mollie. I like being a father. I always imagined we’d have several…’’ He let the sentence trail off, realizing that it probably wasn’t such a great idea to talk about his first wife to the one he hoped to marry next, even if it was Kristin, who’d known and loved her, too.

‘‘I think that would please Deb,’’ Kristin said steadily. ‘‘She always wanted a small tribe, remember?’’

Relief rushed through him. Kristin understood him, understood what he was thinking. She always did and he shouldn’t forget that. ‘‘So,’’ he said, tightening his arm a little. ‘‘We’ve agreed that we both want more children. And I’ve told you how I feel. I don’t only want you because of Mollie, although knowing how much you care for her is a great part of the package. So what do you think?’’ He turned his body slightly to face her a little more fully. ‘‘Will you marry me?’’

A small smile curved the corners of her mouth as he looked down at her. ‘‘Yes.’’

Relief poured through him. He put his free hand up to her cheek and cradled her face. ‘‘You won’t regret it,’’ he told her, skimming his thumb along the line of her jaw. ‘‘We’re going to make a good team.’’

Her smile widened. ‘‘We already do.’’

He kept looking down at her, wondering why in the world it had taken him so long to see how lovely she was. ‘‘How soon do you want to get married?’’

She shrugged. ‘‘I don’t know. Soon?’’

‘‘How about next Sunday?’’

Her emerald eyes widened. ‘‘As in one week and one day away?’’

He nodded.

‘‘Derek, we can’t possibly plan a wedding in such a short time!’’

‘‘I don’t know that we have all that much to plan,’’ he said carefully. He should have realized that Kristin would be thinking in terms of a real wedding, with guests and flowers and cake and all the attendant hoopla. ‘‘I’d like to have a simple ceremony,’’ he said, ‘‘and unless it’s really important to you, I’d rather forget a reception and all that jazz. I can’t take a honeymoon right away but if I start arranging it now, I should be able to get away in a couple of months.’’ He and Deb had had a huge wedding with scads of family and friends, a ridiculous number of attendants, and a dance band at the lavish reception. There was no way he could go through anything like that. It would remind him too much of…of the way his life was supposed to have been.

Suddenly, he realized Kristin hadn’t said a word in response yet. Hell. Had he completely screwed this up?

But then, as he was frantically trying to figure out how to explain his feelings to her, she nodded once, briskly, and said, ‘‘That’s fine.’’

‘‘It is?’’ He couldn’t keep the surprise from his tone, but he covered it quickly. ‘‘Okay. That’s settled, then. All we have to do is get blood work done and apply for the license.’’ He shifted, pulling her across his lap as he tried to cover the awkward moment just past. ‘‘I don’t want to wait, Kris. I want you in my home.’’

‘‘I don’t want to wait, either,’’ she told him. She put her arms around his neck as her words echoed between them. He knew she’d been talking about marriage, but he could see from the sudden awareness in her eyes that she had caught her unintentional double entendre just as he had.

Slowly, holding her gaze with his, he pulled one of her hands from his neck and laid his lips against the fragile skin of her inner wrist. Using his tongue, he tested and tasted his way up her arm, lingering at the tender fold of her elbow, then sliding his lips farther up to her shoulder before skimming across the thin strap of the aqua sweater and laying his mouth on her collarbone.

Kristin’s head fell back and her eyes closed as her body slackened in his arms. Her hands moved to clasp his shoulders as he nibbled her neck and pressed light kisses up the line of her jaw until his mouth hovered over hers. ‘‘Kiss me, Kris,’’ he breathed.

He shifted his supporting arm higher to bring her head up, delighting in the willing way she lifted her mouth to his. Her lips were soft and sweet and he leisurely explored their shape for long moments before flicking his tongue across the seam of her lips. When she opened her mouth, he moved inside immediately, his tongue tangling with hers in hot, slick pleasure. As they kissed, her lithe body twisted in his arms, pressing against the growing arousal that pushed at his pants, making him all too aware that it would only take a few smooth moves to have his pants unzipped and her astride his lap.

He shuddered. ‘‘I probably shouldn’t be doing this,’’ he said. But he couldn’t resist sliding one hand over the enticing swell of her hip. He smoothed a path down her upper leg to where the short skirt stopped and uttered a silent alleluia at the feel of her soft bare thigh beneath his palm.

She placed her hands flat against his chest, palms side by side. ‘‘You can,’’ she whispered, ‘‘if you want to.’’

‘‘Oh, I want to,’’ he said, hearing his own voice come out a deep, rough growl, ‘‘but I don’t want to rush you. We can wait until we’re married.’’ A small, ignoble part of him sat up and shouted No, no, no! but he disregarded it. He was telling the truth; he didn’t want her to regret anything about their first time together. Still, it was all he could do to prevent himself from twisting his torso back and forth beneath the warm pressure of her small hands.

‘‘You’re not rushing me,’’ she said obliquely. She wouldn’t meet his eyes but kept them fixed on her hands. A surprising tenderness surged through him as he realized she was feeling shy. She was shy!

Of all the things he associated with self-possessed, confident Kristin Gordon, shy probably wasn’t anywhere near the top of the list. And yet…she was looking to him to take the lead.

Another realization swept over him. Kristin might be self-assured and smart as a whip about most things, but in this arena, he was definitely the more experienced of the two of them. Experienced…experience. Carefully, not wanting to spoil the moment, he said, ‘‘Kris? I, ah, don’t quite know how to ask you this, but—’’

‘‘I’m not a virgin.’’ Her voice was still soft, her eyes still averted.

He couldn’t define the emotions that rushed through him at that one small sentence. Relief, maybe a little. He and Deb had both been virgins their first time together and it hadn’t been a stellar experience for either of them. He’d been fast; she’d been slow. He knew he’d hurt her, but had been so overwhelmed by basic adolescent lust that he’d had no hope of making it good for her, and he’d felt terribly guilty.

Another emotion overshadowed his momentary recall. It seemed almost like…like jealousy. He tried to tell himself it was fatherly outrage, but that didn’t wash.

‘‘Who?’’ he managed. ‘‘When…?’’ The thought of some other man touching her intimately made him see red.

‘‘It was a long time ago,’’ she said softly. ‘‘My second year in college. And not something I was inspired to repeat.’’

Tenderness swept through him, washing all other feelings away. ‘‘Let me inspire you then,’’ he said. He lifted her from his lap and stood, then bent and swung her into his arms. She was easy to carry, although she struggled wildly for a moment before clutching him around the neck. ‘‘Derek! What are you doing?’’

‘‘Taking you to bed,’’ he told her, striding from the room. ‘‘We’re going to do this right.’’