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DEAR MAC

Hello my friend. How are you? I hope all is well with you and your home group. First, let me say I’m great—praise God!

Mac, you can share my letter with the Grapevine. I can’t keep my sobriety unless I give it away.

My past troubles have always been because of alcohol. I’m doing time for breaking and entering, and attempted robbery. I was really messed up. I was caught in the grip of a killer among men. I thank God to be alive today. I often cry a lot. I allowed alcohol to ruin my life. But the tears come from a mix of emotions: guilt, sadness, and joy. I know today I have a friend in A.A. The fellowship wants to save me from this killer. It doesn’t matter where I am. All I have to do is find an A.A. group. That way, I’ve found a friend. I really believe this today. I’m not afraid to reach out. I want to live.

For years I had been hurting myself. I had also hurt my family. I was a troubled young man. I hated my life and myself. I had no self-love or self-respect. And no love or respect for anyone else. I didn’t know that then. Alcohol blinded me. But today I’m learning the truth about me. It has come through the grace of my Higher Power and the A.A. program.

A single parent raised me. She did the best she could. But she had no skills as a mother. So I learned how to be a man in the streets. It warped my thinking. It twisted my view of life. And alcohol made the problem worse.

I’ve been in prison for five years now. I have 11 months to go before I’m released. I have had a lot of problems because of alcoholism. I didn’t get arrested. I got rescued. And I mean that. I was death waiting to happen.

I had run-ins with the law. And I had been in jail before. But this time I hit rock bottom. I finally admitted it to myself: I can’t use alcohol anywhere, any time.

I still remember my first A.A. meeting in jail. I heard them say “Higher Power.” They spoke about a “God of your understanding.” Then someone said, “You can use anything as your Higher Power.” I left crying like a baby. I was holding the Bible in my hand.

I didn’t know it at the time. But God was going to save me through A.A. I didn’t think that A.A. could help me. I thought those people were worse than me. That was my problem, even in jail: I was in sorry condition. But I didn’t think I was that bad.

I read the Bible that night. My Higher Power led me to a passage that said: I can do all things through God who gives me strength. And I cried and prayed. Up to this point, I didn’t know how I was going to make it. I was sad and tired.

I started attending A.A. meetings. I would sit and listen. I hoped that someone would say something to help me. To show me how to handle this monster. Week after week, I would hear the stories. At the end of the meetings someone would say, “Ask for help” and “Keep coming.” I realized that was the answer. So I kept coming. Finally, my Higher Power helped me see: I have to ask for help. I’ve never been to a meeting on the outside. But I plan to go, God willing. Since being inside, I go to meetings whenever they have them.

I talked to my unit manager here about a Twelve-Step program. She told me to suggest getting a program. To put it in writing. I did. It was approved a week and a half ago. So I’m waiting for that to start up.

Through the A.A. message, I’m learning to live “life on life’s terms.” I could never do that on my own. I’m not blaming others for my bad choices. I take the blame today. It’s not easy. It’s a learning process. I have embraced it in A.A. I want to live today.

I am grateful—truly grateful.

–Curtis