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SLAY THE DRAGON

I had been a “guest” of New York State’s Department of Corrections three times in three years. Each time they released me, I was never ”ready to face the world.” Far from it. Prison was no teacher to this A.A. My only “lesson plan” was feeling shame and dirty. That was normal to a victim of incest.

I first came into the Fellowship in 1988. I was 36 years old. I had no criminal record yet. I had felt I was an alcoholic after taking my first drink. After my first A.A. meeting, I could no longer deny it. I was grateful. I believed I had finally come home. The speaker at that meeting told my story. That was my first spiritual experience in the program.

With the speaker’s help, I went to a treatment center the next day. I had no idea that treatment meant leaving my twin sons, age five. I would be gone for the next four months. If I had known that, I would not have gone. But as I look back, I think it was a very good thing that I didn’t know.

With the help of A.A. and God’s grace, I stayed sober for six years. My issues with incest were put on the back burner. The first five years, I ate, slept, and breathed A.A. It was the glue holding me together.

The sixth year, I decided to go to nursing school. I got very busy. I put school ahead of my sobriety. Then I got lost.

A.A. became a part of my past.

While in nursing school, I began suffering extreme pain in my pelvis. A doctor prescribed a painkiller. (Of course, I never told the doctor my true medical history.) I fell in love with this drug. There is no other way to describe it. It made me smart. It gave me energy. It turned me into Super Mom. I graduated at the top of my class: a nurse at last!

My only focus was the drug: getting it, getting more of it, and making sure I had enough of it. In my first year as a nurse, I was arrested for forging prescriptions.

To us in A.A., insanity means “doing the same thing over and over while expecting different results.” The first arrest got me probation. The second arrest got me boot camp prison with the New York State Department of Corrections. So did my third arrest. My fourth arrest was for felony DWI and parole violation. I was given a year at Albion Prison. All of this happened in less than three years. Talk about “self-will run riot.”

During my years in prison, I lost my family. Both of my parents died, and my sisters and brother decided enough was enough. My sons were living their own lives. As a parolee, I was not allowed to live with them. That gave me another excuse to drink.

You can’t scare an alcoholic--not this alcoholic. Getting “scared straight” was never an option. When I was released in 1999, I got drunk. I kept my appointment with my probation officer. When I got tested, I blew a .01, a violation. That could have sent me back to state prison. Instead, I received the grace of God and the help of A.A. I was in a treatment center the following morning.

This time around, I kept the focus on myself. I took the incest issues off the back burner. With the help of a very good woman, I boiled the hell out of them.

It was a walk through darkness and terror. I had stomach cramps. I vomited. I shook till my teeth hurt, but we kept going. The woman never let up. She would not give me a break. I cried and begged. I pleaded for a drink “just to get through the hard parts.” I was denied time and again. I told her she was killing me, but we continued. I was hateful, but my anger did not sway her. The other women in the program couldn’t deal with me. But I did not let their fear stop me.

I was given a book called Strong in the Broken Places. Night after night, I read and read. After weeks of this, my counselor held me in her arms. She whispered, “Carol, it is not your fault. But it is your responsibility.” After that, I didn’t want to quit anymore. I had freed myself of the demons. I knew I could never go back.

A mirror was pushed in front of my face. It held many images. But in the end, they all were good: I saw a woman of great strength and experience. It was a strength that delivered me from a childhood of the damned. I was a survivor of incest. A survivor of the New York State Department of Corrections. A woman ready and willing to face her life. To embrace it. A woman who could thank God for both the good and the bad things. They all had led to my awakening.

It’s been nearly four years since my last prison term. AA’s Promises have come true, every single one of them. I recently got off parole and probation, but it was not a big deal. I know they were caused by my drinking.

My twin sons are both third-year college students. We get together often, and talk pretty much every day. God continues to keep them. I have a solid relationship with one sister, and a shaky relationship with another. My brother has chosen to stay outside my life.

My life’s partner turned out to be someone from the Fellowship. That was a pleasant surprise. It never could have happened if I hadn’t gotten sober. We do not take it upon ourselves to keep each other sober. We are responsible for our own sobriety, and ask others for help during hard times.

I call my sponsor and meet with her often. I have stayed friends with women I met when I first came in the program. I have new friends as well. A.A. has been my salvation. Sometimes I pinch myself, because my wildest dreams come true daily. I know I stay clean and sober because of God’s grace, and the people in the program.

I am in contact with a woman who will be released from jail in March. I can give her only my experience, my strength, and my hope.

The hard times have not stopped. Difficulties, even tragedies, happen. Life on life’s terms still sucks a lot of the time. People in the rooms support me, teach me, and love me. I still am stubborn. I still resent authority. And I still allow fear to get in my way. But it’s okay. Help is in my heart and all around me. I simply have to reach out, and the hand of A.A. is there.

I go to meetings and share when I’m asked. I always speak about the incest in my story. I want to help women who hold on to their nightmares of abuse and shame. I share with them what’s on the other side. I encourage them to face the pain, so they can let it go. I know they can find their strength and their goodness. I know they can share their hope.

A whisper for help brings me closer to God. My heart is filled with thanks and love for people everywhere. Together we will keep the Promises coming true. We will slay the dragons, and come to terms with life. The journey is filled with delight, with joy, and so much laughter. It is a great gift to know that we never have to be alone.

–Carol D., Homer, New York