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NO LONGER A PHONY

Two words kept jumping out at me from Chapter Five in the Big Book: “rigorous honesty.” Chapter Five speaks of honesty three times on the first page. But why is “rigorous” thrown in?

After I got in A.A., I kept trying to work the program. I tried working that Fourth Step. At last I understood: To succeed in this program, I had to be honest with myself. Without honesty, I can’t work the Steps. I can’t work the program. I can’t stay sober.

To show how this has affected my life, I’d like to share an experience. It’s about my time with other inmates in A.A. And others who are thinking about joining a group. In prison, we have an unwritten code. It constantly affects our everyday decisions. Every day, a person faces a choice: Will I be honest or not?

I work here as a draftsman. I help prepare plans for constructing buildings. I have access to art supplies. I needed to find some means of support. I decided to design and sell greeting cards. It was a “hobby” for profit.

What better position could I be in? I could buy a few low-cost supplies. We have to, if we want to do art work in the cell. I could take the other supplies while I was on the job. I did a good job for them all day, five days a week. So why shouldn’t I “borrow” a few supplies?

At about the same time, I got “political” in the A.A. program here. (I was phony as a three-dollar bill at this point.) I hustled enough support and votes to win the secretary’s spot. I was a big shot in one of the largest A.A. groups in the Texas Department of Corrections.

Then the monkey wrench got thrown into the old machine. I decided to start reading the books about the program. I did it because I didn’t want to be embarrassed. I was afraid someone might ask me questions I could not answer.

Well, most of you A.A.s know the rest of the story—I got hooked on the program! And the battle with my conscience began.

I fought with my inner self day and night. Here I stood on Sundays, in front of more than 200 inmates. I would tell them that A.A. was an honest program. But I couldn’t get honest with myself.

I can’t put my finger on exactly when it hit me. But it did. I unloaded every piece of stolen goods I had in my house (my cell). We talk about getting rid of that heavy load we carry on our shoulders. Well, I did. I became 10,000 pounds lighter at the moment of truth.

I wanted to go out and tell the world all about it. I went to three or four of my close friends in the A.A. program. I told them about what had happened and how great it felt. No one in prison accepts things at face value. They thought this was a phase I was going through. Knowing what a phony I had been, I sure couldn’t blame them.

I don’t know if this was my spiritual awakening. But I do know my life has changed for the better. I am more pleased with myself and others. I work the program with more “rigorous honesty” than ever before. In closing, I want to say this to any newcomers to prison A.A. programs: The meat of the program is the Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book. Pick this book up and read it from cover to cover. You’ll be glad you did.

–Stan, Texas