Читать книгу 8 Brand-New Romance Authors - Avril Tremayne - Страница 23

FOURTEEN

Micah’s body went rigid. Sabina had a key. It was her apartment. She wouldn’t knock. Micah knew who it was and the thought of answering the door made her start to sweat. She could ignore it.

“Micah?” He yelled through the door, confirming her suspicion. She remained frozen, hoping he would go away.

“Micah, I know you’re in there. I saw your light on.”

She could have left her light on. It didn’t mean she was here.

“We need to talk. Please, just let me in.”

Go away!

“I can just talk through the door if you prefer. Not sure if your neighbors will be too happy about that, though.”

Her neighbors would hate it. Besides, it was none of their business.

“Micah, please. I need to talk to you. I need to see your face.”

She couldn’t help herself, peeking through the door’s peephole. He looked the way she felt. He ran his hand through his hair, which looked as though it had seen better days. She rested her forehead on the cold door, letting out a deep breath she hadn’t been aware she was holding. She couldn’t face him. She just couldn’t do it.

“I can hear you breathing and can see the shadow of your feet. Please. Just open the door.”

Her hand rested on the cool metal of the doorknob. She couldn’t face him, but couldn’t help responding to him, either. “You weren’t supposed to get that.”

“I gathered that much.”

“I’m so sorry, Josh.”

“Open the door, Micah. Sorry for what?”

“For ruining everything. I’ve messed it all up.” She turned the knob and slowly opened the door, standing back to let him in.

“Micah.” His eyes brimmed with pain and indecision. She knew whatever words came out of his mouth would hurt her. They would cut like a knife. Even her name on his lips sliced through her.

“Don’t. Don’t say it.” She couldn’t bear to look into his eyes anymore. The words came out on a whisper, too difficult to say. “I don’t think I can handle it.”

“It’s just that... Micah, I still see you as Drew’s. I think I’ll always see you that way...off-limits. He was one of my best friends. I have to honor his memory in this.”

She spun at his words, a spark igniting within her. How dare he? She spoke through clenched teeth. “He’s gone, Josh. His claim on me died with him.”

“But still—”

She cut him off. He’d hear her out even if it was the last she ever said to him. “As my friend, do you really think that’s fair to me? To condemn me to a life of loneliness because once I belonged to someone who is now dead? Is that what you hope for me? Is that all you see happening in my future? Because I’m considered untouchable to you?”

Micah walked to the window, her eyes unable to take anything in but the snowy-white abyss that lay beyond. Her tone softened after she took a deep, calming breath, her back to him. “Drew was my first love. That place in my heart will always belong to him. But what we had, although real, was nothing more than teenage love. Even if that accident hadn’t happened, I honestly don’t think we would have lasted much longer. No matter how much I have imagined it.”

She pulled the edges of her robe tighter, needing its comfort and warmth. “For the last ten years, I’ve desperately held on to a memory, an idea. I fooled myself into believing that my life was pointless without him, that any hope of a happy future had died with him. But it was all lies that I told myself to put off the grieving process. I had become comfortable in my denial. It felt safer than the alternative, which was to put myself back out there, susceptible to heartbreak again. Sure, I went through the motions. I appeared to be normal, happy and healthy to the naked eye. But deep inside of me, hidden from sight, lay this ticking time bomb that just waited for the perfect moment to explode. That semblance of normal life blown to smithereens, leaving me wounded and gaping and empty.”

Micah paused; silence echoed throughout the room. Josh hadn’t said a word, nor had he made a move. But she could feel his presence. Slowly she turned, looking him straight in the eye. “I’ve put him to rest. I’ve faced my inner demons head-on. I have fought my way through denial, depression, anger and bitterness. I have battled it out with the memories and ghosts that haunted me. And after I won, I locked the past away once and for all. I’ve finally found acceptance and peace and freedom. So don’t you dare tell me that I am still bound by a man long since dead! He’s controlled my life from the grave for far too long. But not anymore.”

She took another deep breath. Her knees felt weak, but she ignored them, gathered her nerve and stood up straighter. He would not see an ounce of weakness in her. Not if she could do anything about it.

“I survived Drew. I can survive you, too. I deserve more. I deserve a life full of love and happiness. I’ve missed out on that and I won’t let myself continue down that road. I want to stop thinking about what I’ve missed out on and start thinking about what lies ahead. So I guess the real question is—will you be a part of my future, Josh, or just a part of my past?”

He stood there. Just stood there! Immovable. And every second that passed felt like an eternity. Each moment caused another crack to form in the fragile armor she held up around her heart, threatening to shatter it into tiny irretrievable pieces.

His words were barely audible, but her heart knew before her ears were able to translate to her brain. “I...can’t...”

Her vision glazed over as she stood frozen in her heartbreak, not even aware of his quiet exit out of her apartment, and out of her life.

She was experiencing a new grief, a different kind of grief. This was altogether suffocating and confining. She felt it close in on her like a heavy weight.

No!

She wouldn’t allow this to happen again.

Micah straightened her shoulders and dragged a hand across her face, wiping the tears from her eyes.

She would allow herself a good cry, and maybe a pint or two of Ben & Jerry’s, but enough was enough. If he chose to walk away, then it was his loss. She would not be held under the law of his gravity. She had tasted freedom and the possibility of a new life. Nothing would get in her way. She was stronger than this.

Sabina arrived and after a sob-filled account of the last ten minutes they shared the ice cream while Micah continued to cry. Sabina talked her into a movie completely free of any romance.

But five minutes in a phone rang. Micah lunged for it, hoping it was Josh. Disappointed to find it wasn’t even her phone ringing.

Sabina answered and mouthed Hanna’s name. Her brows began to knit together in a frown. It was the only time Micah had seen Sabina’s face look slightly unpretty—far from being ugly, just a little not pretty. The thought brought a smile to her tear-streaked face before she realized that Sabina was frowning, which was a cause for concern. Afraid it might cause wrinkles, she didn’t frown very often.

“What’s wrong?”

Sabina held up a finger, signaling her to wait a moment. Which she did, even if it was done rather impatiently.

“Hanna just caught Nathan in bed with another woman. Come on. Let’s go.”

“What?” She hurried to find her boots and coat as she made sense of it. “She has to be devastated. We’ll need to pick up a lot more Ben & Jerry’s.”

“And maybe some wine.”

“Or something harder.”

“You’re right.”

They drove quickly to Hanna’s house. As they entered, they noticed a couple of broken vases, or possibly plates, littering the floor, evidence of Hanna’s well-known temper.

“Hanna, what happened?” She looked awful, mascara streaks marring her face.

“He’s been cheating on me! All this time I thought he was working late like I was, but no. He’s been hooking up with an associate!”

“Did he tell you how long it’s been going on?” Micah was afraid to speak, did not want to further upset Hanna, but maybe talking about it would get her to calm down a little. She wrapped her arm around Hanna’s back and began to rub up and down in an effort to calm her.

“Yeah. I forced it out of him. He says he has been with her for a while. Apparently it started not long after we first got together. Can you believe that? How stupid am I? How could I not see this? I fell for all his crap, bought a house with him and was planning to marry him. I even bought a dress last week!”

“You did?” Sabina asked and Micah sent her a look that said not now. The fact that she’d gone wedding-dress shopping without them was irrelevant now—hurtful, but irrelevant.

“I’m so sorry, Han. I never did think he was deserving of you. I know you probably do not want to hear it right now, but it really is a good thing that you didn’t marry him. You got to see him for who he really is before saying I do.” Micah tried to reassure her.

“And the better news is we brought ice cream and Bailey’s,” Sabina piped in, holding up the bottle and carton for Hanna to see. “It may not solve your problems, but it will make you happier for tonight, at least.”

“Aw, thanks, guys. I’m so glad you came to my rescue.” The tears flowed again as Hanna wrapped her arms around each of them. “I don’t know what I would do without you.”

“You will never have to find out.”

“We will take good care of you. Now let the man-hating party begin!” Sabina said as she made her way to the kitchen. They would need spoons. These girls had no need for bowls or glasses during a man-hating party. They drank straight from the bottle and ate straight from the carton during times like this. Helping Hanna through her pain had a way of helping Micah forget her own. It had been a full half hour since the last time she had thought about Josh. They would each get through this and be stronger because of it.

* * *

When Josh had closed Micah’s door behind him, he knew it would be the moment he would look back on with regret for the rest of his life. Two words would haunt him for the rest of his days.

I. Can’t.

He had wanted to rush back in there, tell her what a coward and liar he was, but there was still a part of him that hadn’t let him. Something that drove his feet to move, step by step, farther and farther away from her door.

The real truth, the gut-wrenching reality, had been right there in the middle of her heartfelt speech.

She deserved more.

Micah would never know the reasons why he had to walk away. If she ever did find out, she would never forgive him, making a relationship impossible. It was for the best. He just had to keep telling himself that.