Читать книгу 8 Brand-New Romance Authors - Avril Tremayne - Страница 25

SIXTEEN

It was the start of a new day, a new chapter in her life. It had been far too long since she had put her knowledge to work, but now it was time. After being a nanny for the last several years, she worried if she still had what it took.

After the girls helped her shop for some new clothes, she felt superconfident. She definitely would not be taken seriously if she showed up in the same clothes she had worn as a nanny—her nanny family had not even taken her seriously when she showed up in those clothes.

She had selected a basic black pencil skirt, but her newfound curves were amplified in this baby. Even though she had put on a little weight, she actually liked the result and could not remember the last time she had felt this confident.

She grabbed her stylish new satchel purse and headed out the door, her new confidence marking her stride. Watch out, business world. I’m about to take over.

It felt good to be taken seriously again. Felt good to have something to contribute. And basically...she felt good.

When Micah entered her new work environment, her soon-to-be coworkers sized her up and tossed her looks of competition. Bring it on! Bring it on! Okay, so maybe she was getting a little out of control, her head growing with each step she took.

There was a tiny voice in her head that caused her to second-guess herself momentarily. Old habits had a tendency of dying hard, but she quickly stomped the negative thoughts from her mind. She would remain positive from here on out. She would not allow negativity to hold her back any longer. She was a changed woman, and she was bound to make that a permanent change.

After a few hours of initial training, she was given a break. In desperate need of a coffee, she grabbed her purse and headed out the door. Decisions, decisions. To the left, past the firehouse where Josh worked, was a coffee shop. Or she could go to the right and across the street.

Her positive, confident outlook pushed her to the left. The trucks were parked out front; several firemen cluttered the area. Josh had to be there. Somewhere. You look good in that skirt. Strut past that firehouse and show him what he’s missing.

Yup, no. She wasn’t that confident. She turned sharply to the right and made a beeline across the street.

* * *

“Where is everyone?” Jamie walked into Josh’s apartment expecting the regular people in attendance but instead was faced with an empty room.

“Oh, uh...Hanna’s working.”

“On Sundays now?”

“Guess so.”

“And the others?”

“Sabina is mad at me...”

“And Micah?”

Josh didn’t say anything. The silence was answer enough.

“What happened?” Jamie asked as he settled into his favorite spot on Josh’s couch and propped his feet up on the coffee table.

“You want me to grab you a beer before I get into it?”

“Yeah.”

Josh went into the kitchen, opened the refrigerator and pulled out two. He popped the tops off and handed one to Jamie when he returned to the living room, and settled down into his own seat after.

“Okay, spill. What happened?”

“So much...”

“Start from the beginning.”

“Nah, man. I don’t want to revisit all that.”

“Give me the bullet-points version, then.”

“Well...I was a fool. I took advantage of her when she was drunk. I lost all sense of self-control, cared more about my own lust... I treated her like just another girl I’d pick up in a bar.”

Jamie leaned back in his seat and propped his ankle on the opposite knee. “Continue.”

“Then I get this text the other day...”

“Yeah?”

“Mind you, this is after I lost all control.” Josh took another swig of his beer. “But this text...I guess she meant to send it someone else. It was obvious it was never meant for me to see.”

“Oh, really? That’s happened to me before. What did it say?”

“Basically it just said she had feelings for me.”

“What? That’s awesome. That makes it so much easier for you now.” Jamie took a sip of his beer. Then, as if he had thought about it a moment, he sat up straighter. “Wait. Now I am confused. Why isn’t she here then? I thought you were in love with her. Shouldn’t she be here playing kissy face with you now that the secret is out?”

“It’s complicated.”

“Well, uncomplicate it for me.”

“I am in love with her. That’s a given. But I can’t be with her.”

“That doesn’t make any sense. Why not?”

“I thought we talked about this.”

“We did, but I’m still not seeing it.”

“She belongs to Drew. She always will be hands off to me. Our friendship means too much to me to muck it up.”

“So what has happened now hasn’t already mucked it up? I mean, look around. You still lost her.”

“I guess no matter what I do, I lose. At least this way I have the hope that she will find someone better than me and will eventually forgive me.”

“Are you kidding me? Who could possibly be a better match for her than you?”

“Tons of guys.”

“You’re full of it!”

Minutes passed with neither saying a word. He hated that deep down inside he felt he could never be enough for Micah. But what if this was the universe’s way of pushing him to be more?

“So, wait. Go back. Tell me what happened after she sent you that text message. What did you say in response?”

“Well, I went over there. No matter what, I couldn’t say anything to her through text message.”

“Right. That is always a bad idea.”

“She was crying and you could tell just how much she hadn’t wanted me to know. She was stressing about it to the max.”

“What did you tell her?”

“I told her I couldn’t do it.”

“You couldn’t do what?”

“I couldn’t be with her. I could not do this with her.”

“Are you freaking kidding me?”

“No. What was I supposed to say?”

“I don’t know. Anything but that.”

“This sucks! I don’t know what to do to make it better.”

“You tell her the truth. You tell her you love her and that you are a freaking idiot and you can’t live without her.”

“You don’t understand.”

“You’re right. I don’t.”

“I’ll figure it out later. I don’t want to think any more about it right now. Why are we wasting time talking about relationships like a bunch of girls when there is a perfectly good football game about to start?”

“Seriously, though. Don’t be an idiot and let her get away.”

“Okay. You’re done. Football game is on.” Josh turned up the volume and let the announcer’s voice drown out his friend as well as his thoughts.

It didn’t work, though. The game was on but Josh wasn’t watching. How had everything spiraled out of control so quickly? Ten years. It had been ten years since Drew’s death and the vow he had made. He had successfully kept it a secret for a decade, and now it all threatened to crumble.

Jamie gave advice so freely, but if he knew the truth he would understand.

“Here, have another beer. I can hear the wheels turning in your head.” Jamie handed him a bottle of beer, but he waved it off.

“No. I don’t need it.”

The memories of that night had haunted him for such a long time. It had always kept a much-needed wall between him and Micah. He wasn’t sure when, but she had climbed over it, demolishing the barrier.

“You ready to make me understand?”

“I don’t know, man.” Josh dragged the palm of his hand down his face. It was all too much. Maybe he should talk about it. Get it out in the open, so to speak. “She doesn’t know the truth about Drew’s death.”

“What do you mean?”

“It was my fault.”

The look on Jamie’s face told him he didn’t believe him. Josh knew what he was thinking. Drew had been alone when he died. No other cars to blame. No other passengers to distract him.

“I know what you’re thinking. He was driving too fast and it was raining. But...see, Drew called me. He was on the phone with me when he died.”

“Oh, man...” Jamie leaned forward on the couch and rested his elbows on his knees.

“We were arguing.”

“About what?”

“Micah.” Josh took a deep breath. “I’ve always been in love with her and Drew knew it. He was setting me straight, telling me how it was going to be.”

Jamie remained still as Josh spoke. “It was because of me that he wasn’t paying attention, that he was going so fast. I can still remember everything. The screeching, the shattering, the twisting. I didn’t know where he was or what had happened. I was too afraid to hang up on him to call for help. So I kept talking to him.”

“Oh, God. Josh, why didn’t you tell us?”

“What was I supposed to say?” Josh leaned forward and put his head in his hands. “I sat there in my truck in the middle of the rain and listened to our best friend take his last breath.”

He fought to shake the memories from his head. He didn’t want to think about Drew’s last words just now.

“Once I snapped out of it, I ran into the house and called 911. It took awhile to figure everything out, but eventually I found myself standing in front of the wreckage. The paramedics had already left. They had taken him away in a body bag. Nothing left to do. Bright red-and-blue lights flashed all around as the police officers investigated and tried to make sense of what happened.”

Josh remembered standing there as a deluge of heavy raindrops soaked through his thick coat. It was then that he took on the massive weight of guilt. Putting it on his shoulders like a cloak. It was all his fault. It was there in that moment that Josh had vowed never to breathe a word of this to Micah. She would hate him forever if she knew the truth. He would keep his promise and watch over her. He would protect her and never cross over the boundaries of friendship. He would do it for Drew.

“You know what happened. Drew’s car lost control. He was going way too fast when he took that turn on Elk Street. By that point there was no way he could have avoided that tree. The car didn’t stand a chance with an immovable oak. Instead it just wrapped around it. The misshapen mass of metal that I saw bore no resemblance to a vehicle. No one could have survived something like that. If I hadn’t done something that day to piss him off, Drew wouldn’t have been upset. He wouldn’t have called me while driving in the pouring rain. He wouldn’t have been driving so recklessly. He wouldn’t have taken that corner so fast. But because of me, he did.”

“Josh, we both know that Drew was a reckless driver no matter what mood he was in. He was always talking on the phone. Always going too fast. He was careless. It wasn’t your fault. You just were unfortunate enough to be the one he was talking to at the time. It could have been any one of us.”

Josh heard him. Knew he was speaking the truth. If Micah had been the one on the phone with Drew, he wouldn’t have placed the blame on her shoulders. But even if it could all be reasoned away, he still couldn’t get past the guilt or the promise he’d made.

“Did he die quickly? Did he say anything?” Josh had never considered the fact that he was the only one aware of Drew’s last moments. It had all been a mystery to his family and friends. He was selfish for keeping it secret all these years.

“It was pretty quick. It all happened so fast. It could have been mere seconds, but it felt like an eternity. Hearing him and not being able to do anything... He didn’t say much. Each word was a struggle. But Micah’s name was the last he said.” He leaned back into the couch, emotionally depleted. “Jamie, I made a promise then and there that I would always protect her, and that included protecting her from me. Which, obviously, I’ve failed at.”

“Josh, I can’t say I would have handled it any differently, but still... Listen, we’ve been talking to Micah about letting go and moving on, and she’s finally doing it. Now I think it’s your turn. Drew would never have blamed you for what happened. It’s time you let that go.”

Talking had helped get it all out there so he could finally work through it. Jamie was right. He did need to let it go. For himself. For Micah.

He only wanted to do what was best for her. She deserved more than what he had to offer. Even days after the mistaken text message, the fact that she had said she had fallen in love with him still hadn’t sunk in yet. How could this be? He wasn’t deserving of someone like her. He didn’t deserve to be loved like that.

He knew women found him attractive, wanted to date him, but they did not fall in love with him. He usually did something to screw it up long before they got to that point.

So when had it happened with Micah? Was it really possible that she had seen past his idiocy and in spite of his numerous flaws had really fallen in love with him? She knew him better than anyone, better than most of his family, and still she claimed to love him.

It blew his mind.

Should he tell her? Would she still love him after she knew the truth?

He felt it was only right that she know everything once and for all. If she could so bravely reveal her heart to him, the least he could do was tell her the truth.

While men fought over a football on the television screen and Jamie sat beside him feigning interest in the game, Josh grew closer and closer to a decision. He knew well Jamie was just biding his time until Josh came to the right conclusion.

“I should talk to her,” Josh finally said.

“You should.”

The more time that had passed, the closer he was to doing something about it. He needed some courage and clarity of mind.

Josh knew that if he broke her heart, he would never forgive himself. But he also knew that if he let this moment pass him by and watched as some other man came and stole her away, he would regret it for the rest of his days. He had nothing left to lose.

“This is crazy. I have never had a problem talking to a woman before. Why am I so worked up over her?”

“Because she’s not just any girl. She’s Micah.”

He did not want to admit it out loud, but it scared him to death. Nothing had frightened him more in his entire life than the thought of facing Micah and telling her that he had lied. He could not imagine the amount of courage it would take to tell her that he was in love with her and had been since the moment he laid eyes on her.

He remembered the first day he met her. She’d been so vibrant, with her fiery hair flowing wildly in the wind. Her soft brown eyes turned a glowing shade of bronze when the sun hit her just right. She was carefree in her cotton, summery dress that seemed to dance in the breeze. He remembered the color, even—a jade green. He loved how it looked against her ivory skin and how bright it made her eyes look when you got close to her.

The jealousy he’d felt when he found out she belonged to another, to Drew, was like nothing he had ever experienced before in his life. The intensity of it had gutted him to the core.

But that was just it. She didn’t belong to anyone. She didn’t belong to Drew and she didn’t belong to him, either. He had been trying to protect her, but instead had been controlling her. Regardless of how much she fought it, he kept treating her like a possession. She had a mind, a beautiful mind, of her own. She deserved to know all of the facts. She deserved to be able to make the decision for herself.

Ah! He felt like such a dumb ass. When it came to Micah, he just couldn’t think straight. He needed to talk to her.

When he finally came to a decision, he stood up and walked out the door without another word to Jamie. He was sure he could figure out what was about to happen.