Читать книгу What Makes Us Girls - Brittany Pettibone - Страница 5

When I was younger, I used to paint from life—portraits mostly. Oftentimes, painting proved frustrating because no matter how long and carefully I worked, I could never precisely capture the likeness of my model. All of my finished paintings seemed lacking in comparison. Over time, I learned that “precise replication” should never be one’s goal—not in art or in any other creative endeavor. Artists should strive to bring their own personal touch to their craft. Only in doing so can they provide a unique and personal vision of the world. As you may have guessed, this oppressive comparison didn’t improve my painting. Quite the opposite, it hindered my progress.

Inadequacy, or the feeling of not being good enough, generally originates when we negatively compare ourselves to others, or worse, when we hear others negatively compare us.

Comparing ourselves to others is oftentimes unavoidable. One reason for this is because comparison is a natural means of measurement; it is a method by which we come to realize the quantity or value or nature of a thing. But problems arise when this comparison is either inaccurate or just plain false.

At one point or another, we have all compared ourselves to siblings, to friends or even to strangers, and most likely concluded that this or that person is better than us in some way. Perhaps we believe they are more intelligent. More humorous. More charismatic. More beautiful. More successful. In drawing such harsh and critical conclusions about ourselves, there is only one outcome: inner discontent.

The discontent might start small, in the form of harmless insecurities, but if we don’t immediately make an effort to master these insecurities, eventually they will grow. They will become more and more difficult to control with each passing day, until eventually, we surrender the dominant role to our insecurities. We might even start walking down the dark and lonely road of self-hatred.

For the past two years, I’ve been a political YouTuber. Due to the fact that I recently got engaged, I’ve made the decision to pull a bit back from YouTube; I want to focus primarily on becoming a wife and a mother, and to dedicate my free time to writing books. But back when I was immersed in the vast network of political commentators, activists and journalists, I often struggled with self-comparison. Most of my fellow political YouTubers made more effective and informative videos than me. Their videos were better quality, and they also got more views. On top of this, most of them were far more intelligent and articulate. For a time, the reality that I would never be as good as them was difficult to accept. I pushed myself to absurd limits, forgoing my physical and mental health in the process. I worked so hard that I rarely slept; as the months wore on, my appearance turned hollow and sunken. I lost an unhealthy amount of weight because I didn’t give myself sufficient breaks to eat. Worst of all, I had no time to spend with my family and friends, and my relationships suffered as a result.

Obviously, I wasn’t happy. The only moments I felt a glimmer of satisfaction were when I made a great video that hundreds of thousands of people found useful, but this satisfaction faded after a day or so. And it would completely die the moment I posted another video that wasn’t received well. It was a vicious cycle, like always drinking from a cup that was half-empty.

I’m sure most of you can already identify the problem with my mindset here because let’s face it: at times, the most obvious solutions to problems can be the most difficult for us to recognize. Had I simply accepted from the beginning that I would never be as good as the other political YouTubers, had I simply been content with trying my best, I would’ve saved myself and those closest to me a lot of pain.

There is a common structure step in every good book called “the attack by ally,” when the allies of the main character notice something that the main character is doing wrong and point it out—not to judge or criticize, but because they care about the main character and want to help. In a way, this is exactly what happened to me. My mother, who had all the while been keeping a close eye on me, eventually decided that enough was enough. She told me, in a loving way of course, that I’d stopped treating myself and others as well as I once did. She told me that my YouTube content wasn’t as good as it had been in the beginning because it was less from the heart. She even told me I looked physically unhealthy, that I’d lost my spark.

I’ll admit that I didn’t react well initially. My transition was long and difficult. What helped was telling myself that even if my contributions were only shadows in comparison to what my fellow political YouTubers were contributing, at least I was doing something. I was giving all that I could to the best of my ability. Something else that helped was realizing that I should never have treated my fellow political YouTubers as competitors in the first place. At the end of the day, we were all a team.

Should we ever allow our insecurities to take control, as I did, they will be a source of constant pain. The natural way to ease such pain is to push ourselves beyond our limits, or even to seek validation from others, which might pressure or persuade us to make choices that go against our principles—things we would never normally do if we were in a healthy state of mind. Moreover, what happens if we don’t receive the validation we’re so desperately seeking, or worse, if we get the opposite? It destroys us.

Another danger of allowing our insecurities to take control is that, in some cases, they can convince us to give up on ourselves. Every task we attempt will be tortured by an inner voice telling us that we’re inadequate, that we’ll never be as good as those we’ve been comparing ourselves to. Our sense of motivation will become paralyzed and collapse. We may even stop trying altogether. And if we don’t try, we will never progress. We will never achieve the remarkable things that we might’ve achieved had we learned to master our insecurities.

There have been plenty of times when I felt that I’d reached my limit, that I was incapable of fighting anymore. I sought refuge in places where the world couldn’t see or judge me. But the one thing I could never succeed in shutting out was the knowledge that if I gave up on myself, I was finished. Nobody would be able to save me. People can help us, yes, but only to an extent. And before others can help us, we have to help ourselves. Of course, it’s normal and understandable to spend a few days trying to rebuild ourselves every now and again, but eventually, we have to stand back up.

When it comes to mastering feelings of inadequacy, I’ve often found it helpful to consider the fact that nearly every meaningful achievement requires work: developing a skill, raising a family, making a marriage work, having a professional career. All are difficult roads to meaningful destinations.

Each human being has unique qualities, even if these qualities are small. It’s why we use the term “irreplaceable.” Because the person who we consider irreplaceable has qualities that nobody could ever perfectly replicate.

What are your own unique qualities? What qualities do you have that the person you’ve been comparing yourself to doesn’t have? Perhaps you have special physical attributes or a method of treating people that makes them feel appreciated in a way that no one else can.

Also, what are your strong suits? Perhaps you’re not too attractive, but you’re intelligent and caring. Or vice versa: Perhaps you have the beauty, but not the brains or the kindness.

For every single one of us, unique qualities and strong suits are the foundation upon which we must build. But it’s best if we do so slowly. Trying to do too much too fast will almost always result in our becoming overwhelmed and perhaps even quitting. Instead, we must take it one day at a time, one step at a time. Our most useful ally along the way will always be focus. If we’re able to keep a strong focus, we’ll be less inclined to continue comparing ourselves to others, for we will only have a mind for the goals that lie ahead. We will also have much more time, energy and motivation to complete these goals.