Читать книгу What Makes Us Girls - Brittany Pettibone - Страница 7

Growing up, my parents had house rules which they expected all of the children to follow. Naturally, being a bit of a rebel during my early teens, I often broke these rules. I remember using the negative comparison method on mother as a means to get my way. When, for good reason, she wouldn’t allow me to do some activity or attend some concert or party, I’d tell her: “Why can’t you just be like other mothers? Why do you have to be so strict?” Looking back, this harsh comparison must have hurt my mother, especially because her rules came from a place of love, from a desire to protect. She had my best interest in mind. And me, well…I just wanted my way.

Every girl understands the pain of being compared to others. We understand the damage it causes to our sense of self-worth because we’ve experienced it, which is why it’s also important to ask ourselves if we’ve ever turned the tables and been the ones who made comparisons. If so, we are guilty of inflicting the same sense of inadequacy that we’ve felt onto others.

I once knew a family with two girls: Emma and Adriana. Emma was married to the type of man that many girls hope to meet—protective, loyal, hard-working, ambitious, generous, humorous and great with children. Adriana, who was unmarried, was constantly fixating upon Emma’s relationship, telling herself that she wouldn’t settle for or be content with a young man who didn’t have all the qualities that Emma’s husband had. Adriana’s relationships suffered as a result; they always ended in breakups. Perhaps her relationships would’ve ended in breakups either way, but perhaps one might’ve worked out if she had simply stopped comparing her boyfriends to Emma’s husband, trying to discern if they had all the qualities that she desired and criticizing them if they did not.

Few things damage a young man’s confidence in himself as much as being compared to other young men, especially if the person comparing him is the girl he loves. The reason for this is that every man wants to be admired. If we are constantly criticizing him for what he isn’t instead of admiring him for what he is, he might lose the motivation to improve. He might grow distant and start to resent us. He might even fall out of love with us.

While it’s necessary to have standards, it’s also necessary to be realistic. And the reality is that all human beings are imperfect. If we can’t leave room for other people’s imperfections, how can we expect them to leave room for ours? It would be unfair to have a fifty-page checklist that a girl must meet before we’re friends with her, or that a young man must meet before we date him.

Of course, there are fundamentals—such as complimentary life goals and similar religious beliefs—that we might require in friend or boyfriend, but when it comes to the details, we must accept their imperfections and appreciate them for all the good qualities that they do have. In doing so, our friend or boyfriend might even end up developing the extra good qualities that we want.

No one is perfect. Despite what Adriana believed, Emma’s husband wasn’t perfect, even if he appeared so from the outside. Every friendship, every romance has its trials and struggles. The biggest difference between successful and unsuccessful relationships—no matter if the relationship involves family, friends or romance—is how we deal with the trials and struggles.