Читать книгу The Feminist Financial Handbook - Brynne Conroy - Страница 10

Chapter I

I Can Have It All—Can’t I?

In short, no, you can’t.

As women, we often pursue “having it all.” We’re supposed to have careers, be fantastic moms who raise our children with grace, and participate in community volunteer efforts. Oh, and we’re supposed to look great while we’re doing all this.

If you look at the women in your life who supposedly have it all, I’m willing to bet they have stuff going on behind the scenes that you don’t see: a nanny; a personal assistant; a family member who is there supporting them. And I guarantee there’s still stress. They may just not show it publicly.

Yet we look at the Instagram feeds of these “superwomen” and judge ourselves against them. We get down on ourselves because we’re not succeeding in every last arena. Maybe you’re struggling to balance work and family. Maybe you haven’t met the right person with whom to settle down and start a family—or maybe a family isn’t something you want at all. Perhaps despite your best efforts, you’ve struggled to get your career off the ground. Or maybe in the craziness of everyday life, you’ve let yourself go, and society won’t let you forget about it.

We all have areas in our lives where we feel deficient. Not one of us is perfect at everything, and some of us have more resources at our disposal to ameliorate those areas of imperfection, while others do not. Not one of us ever truly grasps onto the illusive “balance” we’re seeking—the balance we’re told by countless self-help books and gurus that we can achieve.

I’m here to tell you that’s okay. In fact, as suggested by Stanford Economics professor Myra Strober, we’re probably better off dropping the concept of “balance” altogether. It’s almost never achievable, and we make ourselves miserable in its pursuit.

The Concept of Shifting Priorities

I was brought up in a religious household. The religion was strict and all-consuming. I kid you not when I tell you that as a teen, I spent ten hours at church per week over the course of six days. And that was if there wasn’t a baptism or youth project or some other type of celebratory event.

I no longer practice the religion of my youth, but there were good things I received in that environment. While some people were absolutely crazy and judgmental, there were plenty of churchgoers I liked and respected. Some of the deepest life lessons I have learned were taught to me by these mentors.

For example, one Sunday, we were sitting in the third hour of church—the hour designated for the teenage-girls-only lesson. One of my favorite teachers was standing in front of the class as we sat with our scriptures under our chairs and our skirt-clad legs pressed firmly together.

She was teaching us about time management and prioritization. I don’t know if the lesson was from the manual or was just something she wanted us to learn. Whatever the origins, she wrote these four words on the board:

•Family

•Church

•School

•Friends

You can replace the word “school” with “work,” if it better fits your situation. And “church” with “giving back” or “volunteering.”

She explained to us that at different points in our lives, we’d rank each of these areas differently in terms of importance. Because we were in church that day, she knew that part of the equation was important to us. Because we were teenagers, she ascertained that “friends” were likely one of the focal points of our lives, too. While some of us put a high priority on school, others did not.

She noted that at the stage of life she was in, as a homemaker with young children, family was higher up on her list than ever. Church and friends were important, too, but her kids took precedence, so that’s where she spent the most time. At that juncture in her life, she wasn’t overly concerned with a specific career outside the home.

She explained that as she got older, these four priorities might shift around again. Then, she said something transformational:

“You know what? That’s okay.”

In that moment, she gave us permission to not be all things at once. She didn’t tell us spirituality or charity should always be our number one priority; she encouraged us to recognize that at different stages of our lives, our priorities would change.

And that there was nothing wrong with that.

An Exercise in Prioritization

Now that you know there’s nothing wrong with prioritizing rather than being all things at once, sit down with yourself and get real about what’s important in your own life. Keep in mind that the way you prioritize shouldn’t be based on the way things have been in the past or on the way others live their lives. Your prioritization is going to be personal and based on your current situation, and it should be free from judgement—even your own.

I want you to think about five areas:

•Family

•Friends

•Work/School

•Volunteer/Community Efforts

•Personal Goal

Your personal goal may be related to a hobby, travel or something else entirely.

Now, you’re going to rank these in order of importance to you at this current point in time. Remember that there is no wrong or right order.

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

Whatever’s on your fifth line, it’s not a priority in your life right now. You can still have it, but don’t spend too much effort on it at this very moment.

Instead, focus your energies on lines one and two, with gradually decreasing effort on lines three and four.

It’s important to note that while there is no wrong or right order for your priorities, you may have to adjust them based on reality. For example, if you don’t have a partner who is providing and/or you’re not financially independent, you’re going to have a hard time if your first two line items are friends and personal goals with “work” listed on line number five. You do need some sort of money or income to facilitate your efforts in other areas, so you may have to move work up higher—even if you don’t want to.

Going with the Flow

Over a decade later, I was sitting at a roundtable brainstorming session with some strong, inspiring women. We were trying to address the stressors that come along with motherhood, especially for working mothers. Some of us worked full-time while others worked part-time. While there was a mother or two who contended she had actually found the illusive balance, most of us agreed that there was no winning. There was no perfectly clean house owned by a woman doting on her perfectly-behaved small children while running her small business like a well-oiled machine, at least not at all times.

Then, our wise discussion leader brought up the idea of flow. Flow basically means going with what’s working well. Yes, maybe your dishes have been piling up for a week, but you’ve done $5,000 in sales. It’s your busy time of year, so you don’t sweat the dishes and keep pushing forward with your efforts at work.

Or maybe you’ve decided you want to stay home with the kids, and you are fortunate enough to be able to pursue this decision. Your career is on pause for the moment, but you’re able to organize amazing birthday parties with homemade decorations and a cake baked from scratch.

When we go with the flow, we acknowledge our priorities and are able to complete the tasks in front of us with higher efficiency. When we try to achieve balance, we end up overwhelmed, with the stress making it harder to get anything done with as much competency.

That night, I synthesized the ideas in front of me with that lesson I had learned in church all those years ago. When we know our priorities, we can focus our efforts on the things that matter most to us in that moment. When we focus on flow rather than trying to balance all of our different priorities, we’re better able to concentrate and get in the zone as we work on the parts of our life that are highest up on the list at any given moment. We’re more likely to do a better job, build confidence in our own abilities, and feel fulfilled in our purpose. All of these things lead to contentment and less stress.

What does this have to do with money?

If all this is feeling rather squishy to you, rest assured that there are hard numbers involved. When we choose our careers over becoming a homemaker or even having a family at all, it inherently impacts how much money we’re bringing in every month. Making this decision increases our cashflow and allows us to avoid those dreaded resume gaps that so many claim are to blame for the gender pay gap.

But choosing to be a homemaker is just as valid of a decision. Maybe you ran the numbers and you’d essentially be working to put your kids in daycare. Maybe you’d make enough, but you’ve decided you’d feel more fulfilled raising children and keeping house 24/7. Or maybe you and your spouse have decided it will go the other way around: your spouse will stay home while you work.

Foregoing childbearing—whether in favor of a career or not—is just as valid a decision as having kids. You give up a lot of freedom when you become a parent, and knowing that’s not something you want to sacrifice is a mature and rational decision.

Remember that feminism is about equal access to choices. Your priorities are just that: yours. They’re not anyone else’s, and if others judge you for them, that’s their problem—not yours. You can be a feminist homemaker or a CEO, or you can spend your time wandering the world as a digital nomad. All of these are valid choices. The goals of feminism are to make all these options available to you and to have the decision to pursue any particular route be made by you and your partner if you have one—not by outside cultural pressures.

You cannot be all things to all people at once. As empowering of a concept as it’s meant to be, in reality, there is no superwoman. We’re all just imperfect beings trying to make the best decisions possible relative to the context of our own lived experience.

We can better do that when we recognize we will never be omnipotent. When we prioritize and release some of the stress of being all things at all times, we are actually doing a lot to help our bottom line. A 2014 study at the University of Michigan revealed that women going through acute stress saw an income decrease of 18 percent to 30 percent. While we’ll never be able to dodge all stress, we can relieve some of it by letting go of the idea of becoming that woman with a perfectly balanced life, and potentially improve our finances while we’re at it.

Instead, we can go with the flow, allowing ourselves to live our best lives rather than what we think is the life of the “perfect” woman. Because she doesn’t exist.

The Imperfect Wealthy Woman

We’ve established and accepted that the “perfect” or “super” woman is a myth. But we can still find wealth even with all our perfectly normal imperfections.

Defining wealth is tricky business, though. Traditionally, the word is associated with mountains of money. While that’s certainly one aspect of wealth, you can have tons of cash and still be totally miserable. We also need to pay attention to factors like our physical health, mental health, social networks, and overall contentment.

If you’re working 60 hours per week in front of a screen, you may have a ton of money but not a ton of physical activity in your life. You may also be having a hard time connecting with your friends and family because of the scarcity of free time. This is a problem because our social connections play a large role in our mental health and have even been identified as a corollary factor in living a longer life.

And then there is contentment or happiness. This is such a complex topic that the entire next chapter will be dedicated to it. Before we delve into how to be happy, though, take a minute and think about your own values. In much the same way as you prioritize your time, consider how you prioritize these factors as contributing to your overall wealth status. Because a wealthy life isn’t all about dollars and cents.