Читать книгу Buddy's Universe - A Beagle's Life Book I - BuzzzzOff - Страница 5

Hi, my name is Buddy.

I am a dog. Human Beings - funny creatures that walk on two, rather than four, legs and cannot clean their own private parts without the assistance of soap and water - say I am a Beagle. OK, I guess I am a Beagle. After all, Human Beings, at least in my experience, provide food, water, wine and shelter so a Beagle I am.

Buddy the Beagle. I can live with that.

My parents - at least the ones I have now - are Human Beings. Human Beings are either girls or ladies or boys or men.

The lady, who smells the best ever, is called Violet. She is my Mummy. The man, who shares some sweet water with me (he calls it wine), is called Chuck. He is my Daddy.

They told me I was probably born in August. I do not know when that is. It is not the month I celebrate my birthday though. I do my "Happy Birthday" thingy on January 20…just in case you want to send me a message…or dog biscuit. Anyhow, that is the day when I moved in with Daddy and Mummy and my name became Buddy. I think that is the best day for me to celebrate my "birth”! After all, I had a “challenging” start in life… Anyway, Mental Masturbation I may be growing older, but I am most certainly not growing up!

Mummy and Daddy are nice to me. They give me food, but I always want more. They give me water, I always want more and, surprisingly, they always let me have more. They give me sweet water Daddy calls wine, but they definitely will never give me too much. Long story I will tell you later, but suffice it to say I apparently drank too much sweet water one time and peed on Daddy.

No more food, only a little bit of sweet water and a lot of water? So many rules…I am confused.

They walk me around the neighborhood so I can smell everything and do what they call pee and poop or “doing my business”. As I previously mentioned, I really like smelling...and licking…so I like walking around the neighborhood. I do not know why I like smelling and licking. Sometimes I even do it despite not liking the way the thing smells or tastes. I cannot stop myself.

My parents have arranged three places throughout the house where I can sleep, but Daddy will not let me sleep in the place he calls “horizontal showtime” and Mummy calls “horizontal sleeptime”. They simply cannot seem to agree if it is “showtime” or “sleeptime”. They do agree it is “horizontal”. I only know “sleeptime” so, yet again, I am very confused.

They let me say hi to all the people and stick my nose in all the good smelling parts of other dogs and some cats and even some Human Beings called girls. That is a lot of fun. As I said, I like smelling and licking. Whenever I am smelling or licking a dog, cat or Human Being in their private parts, Daddy says “that’s my boy” while Mummy says “stop doing that, Buddy”. Also, very confusing. I will join Daddy’s team on this subject!

I understand when my parents speak to me. Mummy speaks to me in something called Chinese. Daddy speaks to me in something called English.

I do not know why I understand both Chinese and English - I do not even know what “understanding” or “Chinese” or “English” means.

I do not understand why my parents always look at me with a crinkled, angry face and say "shush" when I speak to them. They call it “barking”. I do not know what that means. I do know they dislike “barking”. I now also know what “shush” means. I do not like it.

Oh well, I hope they will learn to understand me someday. Having said that, I really do not mind too much as long as they keep feeding me.

Everyone likes me. The Human Beings called girls in my neighborhood really like me. Do not take my word for it…just ask them. Daddy calls me The StudBud. Daddy says I am lucky to have too many “girlfriends”. I do not understand. He makes it sound important, and he always smiles when he says it. I guess that is good. Someday I will understand.

In the meantime, I guess I have a pretty cool life. I am not sure I know what that means, but Mummy and Daddy tell me I do.

But it did not start out that way.