Читать книгу The Other Side Of The Lies - Callie Ansar - Страница 11

My eyes flew open as the buzzing of my alarm clock began at 6:00. I waited up as long as I could in hopes to hear from Ramsey the night before, but I never did. I kept my beeper next to my pillow that night, hoping to hear it go off at some point to let me know that Ramsey had made it home. I checked it as soon as I woke up, only to find that there wasn’t a message that read 101. Even though I had been through a lot with David, this felt like one of the most disappointing moments in my life. I don’t know if it was fear that something bad had happened to him, or fear that the weekend was a sham that scared me more. Either way, I was miserable and I had no way to get in touch with him.

Going back to school and facing David after the prom hadn’t been a thought in my mind since I had met Ramsey. I had been on could nine all weekend, and didn’t have a worry or care in the world. I was planning on walking down those school halls with a smile on my face and my head held high because for the first time in weeks, I was starting to get my confidence back. I had a wonderful, gorgeous, smart guy who seemed to really like me, or so I thought. It wasn’t until I didn’t hear from Ramsey that my insecurities, anxiety and nerves came back. Oh God, how was I going to get through the day?

I struggled to get dressed and out of the house that morning, but when I finally grabbed my books and stepped outside, Sean was already there waiting for me. Sean was a guy that I had met my freshman year at Holy Family. We lived a few short blocks away from each other and he would meet me at my house every single morning so we could walk to school together. Although I wasn’t going to miss school once it was over, I sure was going to miss my morning walks with Sean.

“Well good morning, gorgeous,” he said as I walked down my steps, greeting me with the same words he used every morning for the past four years.

“Is it a good morning?” I miserably asked, knowing that he would assume my misery was due to Davids absence in my life.

“Ah, Ka, you’ll be ok,” he said as he rubbed my back while we walked. “You know his schedule. Just steer clear of where you know he will be, and before you know it the day will be over. We only have a couple left anyway,” he said with pure excitement.

“I know, I know,” I said, appeasing him. “I just don’t even want to over hear people talking about the friggen prom, ya know. I just don’t want to hear it. Not today,” I said. “So how was it anyway?”

“Really, Karen? You really want to know?” Sean asked.

“Yeah. If I’m gonna hear it from anyone, I’d rather hear it from you,” I told him.

“Well, it was great,” he said with a huge smile on his face. “Jeanette and I had a great time.” He took a second before speaking again. “David was there with a junior. I only saw them once. I stayed far away,” he told me. That’s why I loved Sean. He knew that I was politely asking about his experience, but really wanted to know about David. I was really going to miss him next year, as he was going down south to go to school.

We made small talk the rest of the short walk to school. As we came to the grand entrance at the top of the hill, I started to get nervous. And as we walked down the steep hill, being met by classmates saying how fantastic the prom was, I thought I was going to faint. Again, I didn’t know how I would make it through the rest of the day.

When we got in the building, Sean walked me to my locker. This was something new that he did ever since David and I split up. He did it to protect me as best as he could from David, as he knew what a fragile state I was in. Sean was going to make someone a very lucky lady one of these days.

“You gonna be ok?” he sympathetically asked.

“I’ll be fine. Thanks Sean,” I said, lying through my teeth. He kissed me on the top of my head in typical grandfather fashion before he walked away.

My shitty morning quickly escalated into an extremely shitty morning quite rapidly. As I stood next to my locker getting my books together, of course David was walking in my direction. I could see him out of the corner of my eye coming closer and closer. He wasn’t alone, though. He was with a junior. A young, blonde beauty and they were holding hands. I’m assuming this was the girl whom he had taken to the prom in my place. I didn’t want to look, but I couldn’t help but stare. David caught my eye and said, “Hey, Ka, what’s up?”

“Not much,” I responded, giving the nameless blonde a truly fake smile.

“Hey, I heard you went to Jersey this weekend. Did you have fun?” he inquired.

Jersey this weekend, thanks for reminding me, asshole. Another fake smile spread across my face. “Uh huh, it was a lot of fun,” I answered.

The bell rang, thank God. The blonde stood on her tippy toes and gave David a kiss on his cheek and said, “I have to go babe. I’ll see you later.” She had a shit eating grin on her face when she looked back at me and I was tempted to punch her in her mouth, although none of this was her fault.

“Ok, doll,” he said as she began to walk away. After she disappeared into the sea of students, David said to me, “I have to go too. Glad you had a good weekend Karen, and you got a killer tan.” He rubbed his thumb over my cheek and my breath hitched. He smiled at me and my heart clenched. With all the hate I felt for him, there was also still a lot of love there and being face to face with him brought back all of those feelings.

Yet another fake smile grew on my face, as I fought back tears. I didn’t know why I was upset. I did have a great weekend, and he was right, I did have a killer tan. I also met an amazing guy who made me happy when I was with him. I guess it was just everything coming apart at once, Ramsey never calling me and seeing David with another girl, which made me run to the bathroom and vomit. I stayed in the stall and vomited for twenty minutes.

Even though I vomited all of my feelings out, I couldn’t shake the nausea. The nauseous feeling stayed with me for a while, so I went to the school nurse and told her that I needed to go home. Being in school was just making me sicker and I couldn’t and shouldn’t stay there. The nurse called my mother and left a message, advising her that I wasn’t feeling well and would shortly be on my way home. Being a senior, I didn’t need to wait for someone to come pick me up when I was sick at school, so I packed up my stuff and headed up that steep hill home. I cried the whole walk back to my house.

When I arrived home, I let myself in the house and immediately called my boss to tell her that I wouldn’t be able to make it into work that afternoon. She seemed annoyed, but I didn’t really give a shit. I took my uniform off, put pajamas on, and crawled into my bed. I lay there for hours just crying. I cried and cried and cried.

I knew when my mom arrived home by the beeping sound of her activating the car alarm. When she came in the house, she must have seen my shoes and books on the floor in the living room, which prompted her to call out my name in question. Not having the will to, I didn’t answer her. I could then hear the voice of the school nurse in my living room, followed by the sound of my mother’s footsteps coming up the stairs.

By the time my mom reached me, I was a swollen, puffy mess. She came in my room and said, “Oh, Karen, what’s wrong honey?”

I simply cried in response. She tried to lay with me and console me, but I didn’t want to be comforted. I wanted to be alone, so I asked her to leave. She kept her distance for the rest of the day, for I’m sure she knew she wouldn’t be able to do anything that would make me feel better. My mom didn’t even bother calling me for dinner that night. I cried into the early hours of the morning and decided that I needed a mental health day, so I didn’t go to school. My parents usually didn’t allow me to skip school, but they figured that since the year was almost over and I had hardly missed any school that year, they let it slide. I’m sure they assumed that my depression was on account of David, but it was a combination of the guys in my life who shared that name.

This day was better than the day before. I took a shower and watched TV until it was time for me to go to work. I even ate a turkey sandwich and actually kept it down. As much as I didn’t want to go to work, I knew Matthew was on the schedule and Matthew always made things better. I couldn’t wait to see him.

Matthew and I both started our shifts at 3:30. I left my house and walked the few short blocks to the pharmacy where I worked. As I was approaching the store, he was as well, but from the opposite direction. He ran up to me and hugged me and my tears started to flow once again.

“Hey, hey, hey. Why the tears, Karen? What happened baby girl?” Matthew asked, holding me tight.

“Everything. Everything happened,” I said. Matthew listened as I cried about David and I told him how seeing David with another girl again put me back into a funk.

We were still standing in front of the store that we worked in when Matthew interrupted to tell me that we needed to clock in to work before we were considered late. As he escorted me inside the store, we both made a bee line for the back room. After punching the time clock, he asked me how my weekend in Jersey was.

I had forgotten all about my fantabulous weekend in New Jersey. I wiped my tears as I put on my work apron and name tag, and started telling Matthew all about Ramsey and how wonderful he was. I was a very animated speaker and easily expressed my emotions through my words.

“That’s great, Karen. I hope you’re going to see him again, because I haven’t seen you smile like this in a long time. Anyone who makes you smile like that needs to be in your life,” he told me.

I answered with a simple, “I don’t think so,” as my smile turned into a frown. I followed up with the story of how I never heard from Ramsey when he got home that night. I knew that I’d probably run into him some time or another when I visited upstate, but I was certain that was it.

I moped around the pharmacy for the entirety of my shift. When I got home from work that night, my dad was in his usual spot on the couch watching Wheel of Fortune.

“Hey Dad,” I said as I walked in.

“Hey sweetie,” he said. “How was work?”

“It was ok,” I answered, making my way further into the house.

“There’s a message for you on the counter,” he advised. When I wasn’t home, or if I was in the shower and someone called me, my parents would write a note and leave it for me on the counter next to the refrigerator.

I dashed into the kitchen and found the piece of paper my father had written on. The note simply read, “Ramsey from upstate called.” It was followed by his phone number.

I was excited and nervous and pissed off all at once. I didn’t know what to do. Should I call him, should I not call him, should I wait a few days like he did? Once again, Ramsey had distracted me from thinking about David, only this time, he had me stressed about himself.

I waited about an hour and decided to put my big girl pants on and call. What the hell did I have to lose? As I dialed his phone number, I could feel knots beginning to tie in my stomach.

I recognized his voice as soon as he answered the phone, and as soon as I spoke, he recognized mine. He started off by apologizing. He said that on his way home, as he approached the Bronx, he decided to stop by and see his friends since he was in the area. He said that he got home so late that night and didn’t call or beep for that reason. He explained that he had to wake up and go to school the next day and then had a baseball game at night, and then back to school today. He apologized and apologized. I didn’t want to seem like an uptight bitch, so I just said, “I was worried. If it was too late, you should have just beeped me. It wouldn’t have woken me up.”

“Next time, I promise,” he said as I was overjoyed that he was thinking that there would be a next time. He asked me how school was and if I had seen David. I vaguely told him that school was ok and that, thankfully, I didn’t run into David. I didn’t want to tell him the truth. I didn’t want to tell him that I was so sick and upset about my ex-boyfriend that I threw up in school and couldn’t bring myself to go to work. I also didn’t want him to know that my actions were partly because of him. I didn’t want him to think that I was a pathetic loser, so I just didn’t say anything.

That was the end of the talk about David. We talked on the phone that night for two hours and thirty three minutes. Our conversation was just as comfortable as it was every time that I’d been with him. It’s not always easy getting to know new people. Sometimes it’s actually just plain awkward. Getting to know Ramsey was so much fun. He was amazing. Ramsey initiated the goodbye and said he was tired and we both had to get up for school the next day. He told me he’d call me again in a few days. And he did.

The following two weeks until my graduation were grueling. Even though Ramsey was making my heart happy, every time I saw David, I felt the insecurities of the girl I’d become since Mexico. I vowed never to talk to him again.

Although my days were excruciating, my nights were amazing. Ramsey was making me smile once again, but always in the back of my mind were Lauri’s final remarks about him, that he was a junkie. Ramsey and I didn’t see each other at all, so I had no idea about anything he really did. We only spoke on the phone, so I had no choice but to believe what he told me because he had no reason to lie.

Time was now passing so quickly and my graduation party was scheduled for the week after my actual graduation. I was so excited about the party. My parents had gone all out for me and spared no expense. Now that David wouldn’t be coming, my mother suggested that I invite Ramsey, and so I did. He said that he would love to come and I was counting down the days until I would see him again.

Now, my only obstacle was Lauri. It had been weeks since we came back from Jersey and we still hadn’t spoken. Ramsey told me that he had only seen her at school and that she gave him the cold shoulder.

I had had such a shitty last couple of months, and I wanted my party to go off without a hitch. I wanted all of my family and friends, who I loved so much, to be there with me, and Lauri was included in that category. I sucked it up and dialed her phone number.

“Hello,” she said enthusiastically, not knowing who was on the other end.

“Hey stranger,” I answered, listening to silence for at least a minute before she spoke again.

“Hey Karen. What’s up?” she questioned.

“Nothing,” I said. “We haven’t spoken in so long, and I can’t figure out why. I just wanted to make sure you’re still coming to my party this weekend.”

“Of course I’m coming. Danny’s coming too. I hope that’s ok,” she said, still without warmth of any kind.

“That’s great. Of course Danny can come. I can’t wait to see you,” I said. “Can I ask you something, Lau?”

“Oh, great. Here we go,” she muttered, clearly annoyed at my question.

“Yes, Lauri, here we go. You are my best friend and you aren’t talking to me and I have no idea why. So, I’d love to know why you’re so mad at me so I can make it right. What did I do, Lauri?” I asked, practically begging for an answer.

She let out a long, aggravated sigh. “Nothing. You didn’t do anything, Karen. It’s me. I’m sorry,” she said, sounding defeated.

“What’s you? You need to tell me what’s going on. I tell you everything Lauri. Tell me what’s going on with you, please,” I begged.

“Look Karen, I love Danny, I do, but I guess I just got a little jealous with you and Ramsey being all goo goo gaa gaa over each other so quickly,” she said. “And as much as I say he’s my friend, I do have feelings for him. Feelings deeper than friendship,” she admitted.

I interrupted her and said, “Then why did you tell him to come and look for me? Why did you attempt to set us up if you have feelings for him?” I asked, quite annoyed.

“I didn’t think anything would come of it, Karen. I thought you guys would hang out, have a few beers and that’s it. I didn’t think he would come out of it telling people that he’s found his soul mate.”

“Wait, what?” I asked.

“He’s been telling anyone that will listen to him that you are his soul mate and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. I shouldn’t be telling you this Karen, he should, but I hear that he’s been telling people he thinks he loves you.”

I thought my brain was going to explode from the information that it just took in. “Well, how do you feel about that?” I asked. She never answered and there was silence before I said, “Lauri, I love you first. You are my sister and will always mean more to me than any guy. If me and Ramsey having a relationship is going to cause you and I not to have one, I’ll end it right now, Lau.” I nervously waited for her to answer, silently praying that she didn’t tell me to stop talking to him.

“I love you so much Karen. You’re the best friend I’ve ever had, and I feel like a total dick that I have been behaving the way I have. Hearing about Ramsey’s feelings for you gave me a total reality check. I’m happy for you Karen. You deserve to be happy, and I’m glad you’re finding that happiness with Ramsey. He really is a great guy. I’m sorry for everything, Karen,” she said as she began to cry.

Relief washed over me. Yes, Lauri came first in my life, but I would have been so disappointed if she asked me to stop seeing Ramsey. We continued our conversation catching up on the last few weeks that we hadn’t spoken. Lauri told me how my mother was gushing to Joanne about what a wonderful boy Ramsey is, which made me smile.

Lauri ended the call with, “I’m really glad you called, Karen, and I’m really sorry I didn’t.”

When I spoke to Ramsey that night, I told him of my reconciliation with Lauri without going into detail because she had asked me not too. I told him that he should try to get a ride to my party with Lauri and Danny, or Joanne and Steve for that matter, but he said he’d just come alone, which was fine with me. I had told my parents that Ramsey was going to be coming to the party alone, and surprisingly, my father suggested that he sleep at our house, in the basement of course, so he wouldn’t have to drive all the way back upstate alone in the dark. When I proposed this idea to Ramsey, he answered, “Really? Tell your dad I said thanks so much and that I will definitely take him up on his offer.”

I couldn’t be more excited that Ramsey was going to be spending the night with me. We had shared so much with each other, deep dark feelings and secrets. I had talked to Ramsey about things that I wouldn’t even tell my best friend. He was the one person that I could be my absolute self around. I didn’t have to put on a show for him. He knew who I really was, and I adored that simple fact. Although I still harbored lingering feelings for David, I knew that Ramsey was the man who would make my life worth living. For all of these things, I knew that the night of my party was going to be the night. I was ready and I wanted to take that next step with Ramsey. I only hoped he be ready and receptive.

ɤ

The day of my party came and I couldn’t be more excited. I couldn’t wait to debut my new beau to all of my friends and family, but more importantly, I couldn’t wait to see him again. I couldn’t wait to throw my arms around his neck and kiss his lips, all while taking in his scent. I had never been so excited in my life.

My mother had taken me that morning to have my hair and make-up professionally done. My makeup was simple, yet stunning and my hair was blown straight with a slight flip at the bottom. It was the prettiest I had ever looked. My mom had picked out a black, lace cocktail dress for me, and I had picked out my undergarments, a black lace bra and matching panties, all with Ramsey in mind.

The party was held in the garden of a beautiful catering hall on Long Island. There were round tables scattered about the grounds, with centerpieces of gardenia floating in vases. The simplicity made such an impact and set a gorgeous scene. The flowers that bordered the area were bursting with color and made the perfect backdrop for my party. A three piece band played soft music as champagne and cocktails were passed around while I greeted my guests as they came in.

When most of my guests had arrived and Ramsey was nowhere in sight, my happiness became sadness. Lauri must have noticed my change in demeanor and hurried to my side. “Where the hell is Ramsey?” she asked in a whisper.

I simply shrugged my shoulders because I had no answer for her. When I had spoken to him the night before, he told me he would just meet me at the party because he had to make a stop before he came down and didn’t want to hold my parents up if he was late. Ramsey ended our conversation that night by telling me that he was looking forward to meeting my family and friends, and that he couldn’t wait to hold me in his arms again. Thinking about his words made me hopeful. I was hopeful that he would walk through the door and make a grand entrance. That he would grab me and hold me in his arms and kiss me until my lips hurt.

I was hopeful until I became hopeless.

As night fell upon us and the party started dwindling down, I began to bid my guests farewell. It was a great party, it was. Fantastic food, dynamic dancing and comical conversation filled the day, but always in the back of my mind was Ramsey. I was hurt that he wasn’t there, that he never showed up, but more embarrassed. I told all of my friends that they would get to meet the new, amazing man that had me smiling once again. When everyone asked where Ramsey was, I lied and said that he wasn’t feeling well and couldn’t take the trip down. I felt pathetic lying like that, but after the whole situation with David, I couldn’t let people think that I just picked guys who treated me like shit. I didn’t lie for him, I lied for me. I couldn’t even bring myself to tell Matthew the truth when he asked me. I felt like such an ass.

When Lauri and Danny approached me to say goodbye, Lauri gave me a reassuring hug that it would be ok. I couldn’t help but feel that if we hadn’t made amends just days before, she would have sat there and gloated that Ramsey never showed up. “I’ll talk to you during the week. I’m sure there’s a good reason, Karen,” she said as she held me tight. Despite her recent behavior, I really did love Lauri and was somewhat comforted in her arms.

After we gathered all of our things and got in the car, I headed back to Queens with my parents. I know my father must have been fuming over the fact that Ramsey never showed up, but he never said anything to me. He was good like that, my dad. He was a laconic man, and chose very carefully when to use his words. His silence in that car meant so much to me. My mother, however, had apparently held her tongue long enough.

“Karen, did you know that Ramsey wasn’t coming?” she politely asked, although I know she knew the answer to her question.

“No Ma. I was just as surprised as you were. And I’d rather not talk about it if that’s ok with you,” I answered. She didn’t say anything else and we drove the rest of the ride home in silence.

Although the only noise inside my dad’s car was the soft sounds of the radio, I had a raging headache. My mind was racing with thoughts of Ramsey. I was making up excuses for him in my head. Maybe there was traffic. Maybe he got a flat tire. Oh God, maybe he had been in an accident and was hurt.

I thought of a million excuses for him on that ride home, when I finally came to the conclusion that he just didn’t want to be there. If he wanted to be there, he would have been. If he wanted to get in touch with me, he knew where I was. He didn’t want to, and he clearly didn’t want me. Nobody did.