Читать книгу The Best Of The Year - Medical Romance - Carol Marinelli, Amalie Berlin - Страница 54

IT WAS A long lonely night for both of them.

Candy woke in her flat and was more tempted than she had ever been in her life to ring in sick this morning. She had a shift on the geriatric ward, her last one. She was desperate to avoid Steele yet she wanted somehow to see him. And to see Macey too and say goodbye.

Then she had two more shifts in Emergency and then she flew to Hawaii.

Alone.

Or rather not alone—she ran a hand over her stomach and felt the edge of her uterus.

She had no idea how she felt about being pregnant.

No idea how to tell her parents or friends or anyone.

Right now, none of it even seemed to matter.

She loved Steele.

It wasn’t like the crushes she’d had on other men, which Candy was rather more used to.

It felt so much deeper than that, like an actual concrete thing that now resided within.

Except the twins resided within also.

Twins?

As he did up his shirt that morning Steele was thinking about them too.

He was also thinking about her words—how telling him had been the hardest part.

He knew how impossible her parents were and he knew telling Gerry’s parents would be supremely difficult.

Yet telling him …

As he did up his tie, he found himself closer to tears than he had been at his marriage break-up. Closer to tears than he had been at his grandmother’s funeral.

In fact, Steele wasn’t even close to tears—he was sitting on the edge of the bath in a serviced apartment, bawling his eyes out, for the fact they were over and the grief that her babies were not his. He’d never cried. Even when he’d found out that he couldn’t have children, Steele hadn’t broken down. He’d been too busy mopping up Annie’s tears. Now, ten years later, he let out what had long been held in. He cried alone.

He was as nice to himself as he had been to Macey.

At seven a.m. it was a bit early for sherry but he made a strong mug of tea and put in extra sugar and then sat and thought what best to do.

He could avoid Candy, Steele knew. He could call in sick today. He had a day off tomorrow and then it was just her final shift in Emergency on Friday—he could send Donald to deal with anything that came up in Emergency, and he would never have to see Candy again.

He couldn’t do that, though.

‘Morning,’ he said as he came into the kitchen on the geriatric ward, and there was Candy, making a mug of tea.

‘Morning,’ she said, though she brushed past him pretty quickly and headed off for handover.

Steele headed into his office and checked his emails.

Oh, joy.

There was Gerry.

His smiling face was surrounded by flowers, and Steele, along with the entire hospital—as long as cover could be arranged, of course—was invited to attend the memorial service next Tuesday and the naming of the resuscitation area as Gerry’s Wing.

Candy was trying to get her head around that terrible name too.

Lydia, who had been on the edge of taking disciplinary action against Gerry, was now talking about him as if he’d been an angel—an angel with one wing—a wing named after him that Candy would work in, walk through, deal with day in and day out …

As Candy helped Macey shower, she was wondering how the hell she could continue to work there. Kelly had given her an odd look in the changing room yesterday and a little huddle at the nurses’ station had suddenly gone very quiet when she had approached.

No one had had the nerve to outright ask her. Candy was quite plump and they were clearly trying to work out if she’d been hitting the doughnuts or if indeed she was pregnant.

Imagine them knowing she was pregnant by Gerry.

‘You’re very quiet this morning,’ Macey said as Candy turned off the taps and helped her to get dried and dressed.

‘I’m sorry, Macey, I was miles away.’

‘Dreaming of Hawaii, no doubt,’ Macey said. ‘Are you looking forward to your holiday?’

‘I am,’ Candy said. ‘I fly on Friday night.’

‘It’s Wednesday today.’ Macey smiled. ‘I think for the first time in years I actually know what day it is.’

‘You’re so much better,’ Candy commented, as Macey dressed herself with just a little help. When they got back to the bed, Candy would remove Macey’s dressing for Steele to have a look at her leg ulcer, which was doing much better. After lunch, Macey would lie on the bed for a couple of hours’ sleep, but apart from that she sat in the chair or walked to the day room. It was wonderful to see the improvement in her.

‘Steele says I should be able to go home next week.’

‘How do you feel about that?’ Candy asked as she walked with Macey back to her bed.

‘I’m looking forward to it very much,’ Macey said. ‘I’m having some modifications done to the bathroom and kitchen, which my niece Linda is sorting out for me. Things will be a lot easier now.’

‘Your nieces seem very nice.’

‘Oh, they’re wonderful women.’ Macey nodded, taking a seat by the bed and putting her leg up on a footstool. She watched as Candy made up the bed. ‘You’ve earned your holiday,’ Macey said. ‘I wish I could be here to see the postcard.’

‘I’ll send you one, Macey.’ Candy smiled, despite her earlier declaration about not sending any. ‘If you’re okay with that?’

‘Oh, yes, please! It would make my day! Is it just you going?’

Candy nodded.

‘Hawaii would be a beautiful place to go with the right man …’

‘It would,’ Candy agreed, her heart twisting as she thought how close she had come to sharing a part of her holiday with Steele.

‘You don’t have a boyfriend, though,’ Macey continued. ‘If I remember rightly.’

‘No.’

‘And you’re carrying?’ Macey said gently, and Candy’s eyes filled with tears as she nodded.

‘I’m having twins.’

‘Congratulations, my dear.’

Macey was the first person to offer congratulations and she said it so nicely that Candy started to cry.

‘Pull the curtains,’ Macey said.

‘No, no.’ Candy sniffed. ‘I’ll go to the staffroom.’

‘You’ll pull the curtains and sit with me for a while.’ Macey’s orders were clear and Candy did as she was told.

‘Have you told …?’ Macey hesitated. She had been about to ask if Candy had told Steele, if that was what the argument the other day had been about, but her sharp mind was returning. Macey sat quietly for a moment, remembering when she had been admitted and had snapped at Steele for being a locum. It had only been his second day here, Macey recalled.

Certainly there had been a romance between Candy and Steele. She had seen it unfold in front of her own eyes.

‘Have you told the baby’s father?’ she asked instead.

‘Macey …’

She saw Candy swallow and reached out to take the hands of the younger woman to encourage her to speak on.

‘I made a mistake a few months ago, so please don’t feel sad for me when I say this—I’m not a grieving widow. The baby’s father died a week ago.’

‘Gerry?’ Macey said, and watched Candy’s eyes widen in surprise. ‘I hear all the gossip.’

‘Yes.’ Candy gave a watery smile. ‘It was him.’

‘That’s very sad.’

‘It is,’ Candy said. ‘I don’t know how he’d have felt about it,’ she went on. ‘We wouldn’t have got back together but I’m sure we’d have sorted something out.’

‘What about Steele?’ Macey asked, and she watched the tears spill down Candy’s cheeks, though she neither confirmed nor denied there was anything going on.

‘You have your holiday to look forward to,’ she said, and Candy nodded. ‘It’s a good job you booked it before you knew.’

‘Oh, yes,’ Candy said, because it would be her first and last overseas adventure alone. ‘I don’t think I’ll be lounging around on the beach next time I go. It will be buckets and spades …’ She shook her head. ‘I can’t see how I’ll manage,’ she admitted.

‘You know, I can remember being alone and pregnant,’ Macey said. ‘I expect it’s still a very scary place even fifty years on, even with all the choices you girls have these days. I still remember how scared I felt when I got pregnant but I’ll tell you this much—by the end of my pregnancy I wasn’t scared about having a baby. I wanted him so much and I know you’ll feel the same way about your two.’

Candy nodded. She knew Macey was right. ‘I’m sorry for what happened to you, Macey.’

‘I know you are but don’t be sorry. My nieces are getting into contact with him. If I can see him just once I’ll be happy …’ Her voice trailed off and she looked up and Candy followed her gaze and saw that Steele had popped his head in.

‘Sorry,’ Candy said, standing up from the bed. She was supposed to have removed Macey’s dressing and she was embarrassed at him seeing her cry.

‘It’s fine,’ Steele said. ‘I’ll come back later.’

He left them to it. He was glad that Candy was having a chat and a cry with Macey and when she came out a little while later and told him Macey’s dressing was down, instead of ignoring what he’d seen he addressed it.

‘Do you feel better after speaking with Macey?’

‘I do,’ she said. ‘I’m going to miss her.’

And I miss you, Candy thought, but she could not say that without starting to cry again.

‘Could we go somewhere after work?’ he said. ‘Just to talk.’

She didn’t really want to say goodbye to him here, not like this, so she nodded.

They returned to the café he had first taken her to, yet it felt so different now—the innocence and fun of before had left them.

‘What would you like to eat?’ he asked.

‘I’ll just have a cup of tea,’ she said. ‘I’m meeting my parents tonight.’

‘Have you told them?’

Candy shook her head ‘I’ll tell them about the twins when I get back.’

‘They’ll know very soon.’ He’d tried not to notice her bump but now that he had he couldn’t not see it. ‘I’m not a very good doctor, am I?’

He somehow made her smile.

‘I think it popped out about ten seconds after I found out …’ Candy said. ‘I’ll just wear a big baggy top tonight. They’re not talking to me anyway, because I changed the locks and I’m going to Hawaii, so I doubt I’ll be there for very long.’

‘Yet you still go.’

‘I love them. I don’t agree with them a lot of the time but I still love them very much and I know when I do tell them I’ll break their hearts.’

‘For a little while,’ Steele said.

He took a breath. He could do this type of thing so easily for his patients but when it came to matters of a very private heart, things were very different, but he forced himself to step up.

‘Would you like me to tell your parents for you?’

Candy frowned. ‘Why would you do that?’

‘Because I’m used to breaking news to difficult, stubborn, immutable people. I do it every day,’ he said, and then made her smile. ‘I promise to leave out the part that we’ve been at it like rabbits. I’ll just say I’m a colleague. A doctor …’

Candy smiled. She really understood why he wore a suit and tie for work—the older people liked it. And he was right, her parents would respond very differently to Steele from the way they would to her. If not at first then fairly soon, they would calm down for the dottore.

‘I need to do this myself, Steele. It’s really nice of you to offer and I admit I’m tempted to pass it over, but … no. Thank you, though.’

‘Is there anything I can do to help?’

‘It’s not your problem, Steele.’ Then she looked over to him. ‘Actually, this has helped and talking to Macey too. It makes it feel a bit more real.’

‘Keep talking, then,’ he said, but she shook her head.

‘I can’t really. I mean, I’m upset about Gerry too and I’m trying to work out how to tell his family and I don’t think getting upset about Gerry is fair to you,’ Candy said. ‘I know I felt jealous when you spoke about your wife. I got an Annie burn.’

He loved her openness and he smiled when she admitted to having felt jealous. ‘Candy, you can talk to me about that.’ Ten years older, there were some things he did know. ‘Two days before I turned thirty I found out that a woman who I had gone out with for close to six months, just after my divorce, had died. Now, she wasn’t the love of my life. She was one of possibly too many loves of my life …’ He saw her pale smile. ‘And it hurt. I was stunned and devastated. I was all of the things that you probably are now.’

‘It doesn’t make you feel jealous when I talk about him?’ Candy checked.

‘I don’t know how it makes me feel,’ he admitted, touched that even with all that was going on in her world she could be concerned in that way for him. ‘But that’s my stuff to deal with. Right now you’ve got enough of your own.’

‘Oh, I do!’

‘You know there is one teeny positive,’ Steele said.

‘Tell me.’

‘Well, there was one thing about you that was starting to get on my nerves, a potential deal-breaker, in fact,’ Steele said. ‘Confirmed bachelors are very picky and selfish, you understand …’

Candy smiled. ‘Tell me.’

‘Your ability to fall asleep. God, I knew you were tired, we both were, but I was starting to wonder if you had narcolepsy or something.’

She laughed but it changed in the middle and she fought from letting out a sob because he’d just reminded her how very good it had been between them.

‘Candy …’ He took her hand but she pulled hers away.

‘Please, don’t, Steele,’ she said. They had always been honest and she was never more so than now. ‘Please, don’t confuse me now. I miss you very much. I think we both know that it was turning into a bit more than a fling. I think we both know that feelings were starting to run deep.’ Which was milder than the complete truth but now was not the time to admit to love. She pointed out the impossibility of it.

‘You like the single life.’

‘I did,’ he said, ‘but I very much liked being with you.’

‘You’ve geared your life around not having children.’

‘I have,’ he said.

‘You start your dream job in a couple of weeks.’

‘I do.’

‘And I’m pregnant with another man’s babies.’

It dawned on him then that he had only ever known Candy pregnant. That, really, nothing had changed between them, except that they both now knew and he told her so.

‘Candy, since the moment we met you’ve been pregnant with another man’s babies. I think we—’

‘Steele,’ she interrupted. ‘I have to work a few things out myself. I’ve been raised to share everything, to discuss every decision. I don’t want to do that now. I want to think. I want to know that I can do this on my own. I have to know that I can do this on my own …’

‘I get that.’

‘And please don’t pretend this isn’t difficult for you.’

He thought back to that morning, sitting on the edge of the bath and crying in a way he never had before, but he felt better for it, clearer for it. He looked at Candy and knew she was right. She didn’t need his thoughts now. She needed her holiday, she needed space, she needed to get used to the idea that she was going to be a mother.

‘I need to go,’ she said. She was on the edge of tears—just one touch of his hand and she wanted more, she wanted his arms, she wanted the comfort of him. She felt as if she had just got off a merry-go-round as they stepped outside. She had felt like that since the news about Gerry’s death had hit, since she’d sat in Anton’s office, since …

The world seemed to be spinning too fast of late, and Candy took a big breath and tried to steady herself, but big breaths seemed to be working less and less these days. Steele must have seen she was struggling. He wrapped her in his arms, as he had wanted to yesterday but hadn’t known how. The shield of him, the feel of him, the tender strength of him brought the first glimpse of peace she had craved, just a tiny glimpse of tranquillity as solo she halted navigated stormy seas.

‘You’re going to be okay,’ he said, and his voice was like the deep bass of a guitar coming up through the floorboards, a rhythm she recognised and understood, and she clung to the delicious familiarity of him and wished it could last. ‘I know it’s going to be hard, telling your parents, but when you do just remind them that this is their grandchildren they are discussing and that in few months they’ll be here …’

‘Right now I’m actually not worried about them,’ she said. Right now she was wondering how she might ever get over this broken heart, but she daren’t be that honest and so, for the first time, she lied to him. ‘Right now I’m worried about stretch marks and my boobs reaching the moon and getting fatter …’ And losing you. ‘I’m going to go.’

Still he held her. ‘I’ll drive you home.’

Still she clung to him. ‘I don’t want you to.’

‘I can drop off your case.’

She hated that he had it in his car.

Steele hated that it was in his car too. He wanted it in his apartment unpacked, he wanted her in his bed, yet he was terribly aware that he must not push her, not confuse her when she was already in such turmoil.

Maybe there was something he could do.

‘Do you fancy a day pass?’ he said to her ear.

‘A day pass?’

‘I’m going to Kent tomorrow to look at the new unit and also to look at a few houses that I’m thinking of buying …’

‘You’re buying a house?

‘I always buy houses or flats wherever I work and I renovate them in my spare time and sell them or rent them out.’

‘I’m working in Emergency tomorrow.’

‘Oh, if anyone deserves to ring in sick, I think it might be you. Why don’t we just have a nice drive, a lazy day …?’

‘And no talk about pregnancy.’

‘You don’t have to pretend you’re not pregnant, Candy.’

‘I want a day away from it,’ she admitted. ‘I just want a whole day when I don’t even have to think about it.’

‘Then that’s the day you shall have,’ he said, and saw her to the Underground. ‘I’ll pick you up at eight.’

Candy sat on the tube, looking at all the people, and she saw an elderly woman look at her stomach and then her hand. She glanced up and saw that Candy had seen her and the old lady gave her a very nice smile.

Yes, times had changed.

She didn’t feel quite so alone now.

It really was time to deal with what was.

Instead of heading home, she went to her parents’.

They were still sulking about Hawaii.

‘Do you remember Gerry, who I work with?’ Candy said. ‘The one who helped me when I moved?’

‘What about him?’ Her father frowned. ‘Is he going to Hawaii with you?’

‘He died last week,’ Candy said.

There were all the How terribles and Candy took a deep breath. She knew there was no easy way to say it.

It just needed to be said.

‘I’ve just found out that I’m pregnant with twins,’ Candy said. ‘They’re his.’

There were sobs and wails from her parents; her mother actually fell to the floor. As if that was going to change anything!

She had never understood Steele more than she did then. She understood fully how his love for Annie might have died as she watched her parents carry on.

This was about her, this was the hardest part of her life to date, and yet they made it all about them.

She had known they’d be upset but, as Steele would say, that was their stuff. How Candy wished they could give some teeny shred of comfort as she tried to deal with hers.

Candy sat there as her father declared he’d like to kill the man who had taken his daughter’s honour and then she stood up.

‘Lui è già morto,’ Candy said, reminding her father that Gerry was already dead, and then she remembered Steele’s words.

‘These are your grandchildren we’re discussing.’ Her voice was incredibly clear and strong. ‘And these are my babies and I refuse to listen to you calling them a mistake or talking about shame. In a few months they’ll be here and you know as well as I do that you’re going to love them. So why do this to me now? I’m going to go and I don’t want to hear from you till you’ve calmed down.’ She went to the door. ‘And if you want to come to my flat, then you’re to telephone before you do. Clearly I have a life you don’t know about, and if you still don’t want to know about it, then you’re to telephone first before you come around!’

She left her parents and she could perhaps have headed for home but instead she did as Steele had once suggested she try.

She bought a single ticket for a movie—the one they hadn’t seen that night. It was a real tear-jerker from start to end and she sat there, tears pouring down her face and not trying to hide them.

It was nice, a tiny press of the pause button as she cried over the couple on the screen instead of dwelling on herself.

On Steele.

On what could surely never be.