Читать книгу But If Not - Carson Pue - Страница 11

Day 12—This Week

By Kristin Pue—January 12, 2014 1:32 p.m.

This week Mom will be having some further X-rays and an MRI. An amazing community of people surrounds us, and we know how much each of you cares for our family. Mom and Dad do not have the capacity for personal phone calls and emails at this time, and we ask that you use our online Caring Bridge site and the update email address for all contacts. We will do our best to keep you updated as regularly as possible.

My mom, Sharon Paterson, has become the point person for contact during this time. This week we will be setting up the planner for meal preparation and any other ways that you can practically help during this time. For those of you that don’t know, Mom’s driver’s license has been taken away, and so we will most likely need some help with driving—this will also become part of the planner section on this site.

Thank you for coming alongside of us in this journey. We covet your prayers and your support and know that God has surrounded us with all of you for such a time as this.

Day 13—Deeply Moved

By Brenda Pue—January 13, 2014 10:32 p.m.

I started reading posts in the guest book and am overwhelmed by the outpouring of love, concern and prayer. Lots of tears, lots of smiles. Thank you doesn’t seem enough, but I thank you all from the bottom of my heart. Please know that even though we are still absorbing the impact of this news—it’s only been two days—God is holding us close, giving us peace and moments of such tenderness and beauty in the midst of seeming chaos.

Three prayer requests:

1. Healing

2. Fast genetic testing, which will allow accurate treatment

3. Intimacy with God to overcome fear

Day 14—My Family

By Brenda Pue—January 15, 2014 12:38 a.m.

I woke up this morning with Psalm 16:6 on my heart: “The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance” (NIV).

I first met Carson when we were 18 years old. I was drawn to him by his passion for God, which seemed to match mine. My, we’ve had a good life together…which does not equal easy…but oh so fulfilling. He has made me feel so special, so accepted, and so loved. He’s challenged me when that was needed and helped me to be the person I am today. There is so much I love about him. Watching him navigate my cancer diagnosis, arguably the greatest challenge we have yet faced together, has been nothing short of inspiring. True to form, he has been wise, real, and faith-filled. How blessed I am to be married to him.

My three grown sons, Jason, Jeremy, and Jonathan, have blessed me beyond measure. I love who they’ve become by God’s grace—men of faith, integrity and humility who bring large doses of love, laughter, and grace wherever they go. And my three daughters, Kristin, Shari, and Kirstie—wow! They are so lovely, beyond what I asked God for and beyond what I could even imagine. And my grandchildren…I can’t quite find the words. Watching them all process the news of my cancer has been the greatest pain I have ever known. We are deeply committed to journeying this road together and figuring out how to do it well with God’s help.

Three prayers on my heart today:

1. For my husband—more courage, faith, and wisdom as he leads me, our family, and others.

2. For my children—that God would draw them close, give them courage, and to find the wonders God has for us.

3. The kids gave us a family photo shoot for Christmas, and we’ve decided to do it sooner rather than later—pray that it will be a great day for us all, including the weather.

Day 15—Medical Tests and Blessings

By Brenda Pue—January 15, 2014 11:43 p.m.

Today I visited the third different hospital in 10 days, this time for an MRI of a lesion spotted at the base of my brain. My doctors are 99 percent certain that the lesion has spread from the tumour that is in my lung. The lung cancer was confirmed just four days ago, and we learned about this brain lesion at the same time. As well there was a “spot” in one of the bones in my back.

I lost my driver’s license that same night due to the risk of seizures and balance problems. It took me a few moments to process that loss, and then I quickly realized the blessing in it. People I love would be driving me to and from appointments, and we would be given the gift of time with each other. Right now, time feels so very precious to me. I have loved the quality time I am already getting, initially with Carson and my kids, but that circle will now widen as we get more clarity on the treatment phase.

We have another appointment with my specialist this Sunday afternoon to get the results from this week’s X-rays and the MRI. As well my doctor will show us images of the brain and chest CT scans, X-rays, and bone scan. All of our boys are coming to that appointment, partly to get an understanding of what is going on and to ask questions. But Jason, our oldest son, said that the reason why he wants to see the images is so that he will know beyond any shadow of a doubt when a miracle happens.

Another thing that has deeply touched me was this: Our youngest kids, Jonathan and Kirstie, had been making tentative plans to move to another city in the spring, and they made the decision to stay here a few days ago. I cried big, fat tears of joy over that! I am so deeply blessed by all the prayers of friends around the globe. Today I beseeched the Lord to hear the prayers of his beloved everywhere…

Three specific prayer requests from today:

1. That God would shrivel the lesion in my brain, along with the mass in my lung and the spot in my bone.

2. To not be overtaken by dread and fear, but rather to focus on life and blessing.

3. For genetic coding (via biopsy) of lung mass to be scheduled quickly.

Day 16—A Normal Kind of Day

By Brenda Pue—January 17, 2014 12:01 a.m.

No tests today! In fact, I went for a hair appointment. How normal is that? This is in preparation for our family photo shoot tomorrow. Our family is busy getting haircuts and flu shots (I know, not your average preparation for a photo shoot), and we are all pretty excited about it. Our family group chat has been hilarious, deciding what to wear (if you know our three sons, you will have no trouble imagining this at all). I also enjoyed time today with various friends.

There are so many things that are life-giving to me right now. One is this Caring Bridge website filled with encouraging messages, amazing prayers, and bits of comic relief too. Another thing is a practice that Carson and I have every morning, reading from the Psalms, then praying through our day and praying for people. We also share communion each morning, and that has been a rich way to start each day. As well, I have completely filled our large bathroom mirror with various Scripture verses, which bless us all day long. God is giving us peace and courage.

We have sad moments, but they pale in comparison to the feeling of being held tightly by our God. We feel so incredibly loved.

Day 17—Today Was a Gift

By Brenda Pue—January 18, 2014 12:48 a.m.

Our family all convened at Williams Park with our talented photographer, Tawn DiMeglio, and dear friends Curt (videographer) and Char (babysitter and coat holder extraordinaire).

The photo session started, and it was one of those days in a person’s lifetime that will stay etched in the mind forever. There were some teary moments for sure, against a backdrop of love, support and faith. A very special finale warmed our hearts. A sneak preview will be coming soon.

My heart is so full of gratitude tonight. I love my family!

Day 18—Tribute to My Mom

By Brenda Pue—January 18, 2014 9:41 p.m.

I have been working on a surprise party for my mom’s 80th birthday since November. It was planned for today, January 18th. When we received the cancer diagnosis last Saturday, I somehow had the presence of mind to ask my doctor if I could still go to my mom’s party. She said, “You must go.” All week I have been pondering how to make this party honouring for her, even though I would be seeing my siblings, aunts, uncles, niece and nephew for the first time since this news.

So we got up at 5 this morning [and] drove to Vancouver Airport, and after a cancelled flight and a bit of fancy flight maneuvering by my clever husband, we at last arrived in Penticton. I’m so pleased to say that it was a wonderful celebration of my amazing mom. We created a memory book for her while we enjoyed lunch at a restaurant. I was very honoured to give a tribute about the godly influence she has had on four generations in our family line…there were no tears (on my part), just pure joy and gratitude for a life well lived.

By the way, we gave Mom an iPad for her 80th birthday. How cool is that?

Day 19—Family Photos

By Kristin Pue—January 19, 2014 10:42 a.m.

On Friday we had the privilege of having family photos taken. It was a very emotionally draining time for all of us, but it was so, so special. We laughed, we cried, and we made some great memories. We ended the day by having Pue family night, with dinner and time spent filling up a tribute book for Brenda’s mom’s 80th birthday. A very close friend came to the photo shoot to capture it on film for us. We had no idea what a wonderful thing this would be, and in less than a day, he surprised us with this beautiful video, and we’d like to share it with you.

Day 19—Family Meeting with Our Specialist

By Brenda Pue—January 19, 2014 7:13 p.m.

Today all our boys and Kirstie came with us to meet my specialist who diagnosed my lung cancer. She’s great. The family loved meeting her as well, even though the news was hard.

We learned today that there are other small lesions in the brain, and that is now the primary focus of concern, rather than lung cancer. My doctor is trying to move forward my appointment with the oncologist to this week, rather than next week. Please join us in praying that it would be so.

This new information, although concerning, does have an upside…I am fortunate that the new lesions have not affected my speech, memory, etc., thus far. I consider this a great mercy from God. I believe more than ever that I am in God’s hands and am choosing to live in faith not fear. Your faith and prayers continue to be a lifeline. Thank you for your great kindness, love, support and prayer for me and for my family on this unexpected journey. You are blessing us more than you will know.

Carson shared an image with me today from sailing that I loved…when charting a course in a sailboat towards a destination, one also takes the time to identify alternate safe harbours along the way, where, if need be, one can tuck in if the weather suddenly changes. We were on a course, and the weather has changed. So now we are heading on a new course to seek shelter in a safe harbour. You are part of that safe shelter for us, and we are grateful to God for you.

Day 20—A Really Encouraging Day!

By Brenda Pue—January 20, 2014 7:46 p.m.

After the news of yesterday, today dawned brighter. It began with our usual time reading the Psalms that was so uplifting for us. The rest of the day was filled with life-giving moments and prayers that have refocused the sadness and fear I was feeling into hope and faith today. We feel so “held.”

I forgot to mention the good news that the spot on the bones from an earlier X-ray was not present in the follow-up X-rays. That feels so huge and hopeful to us. Another answer to prayer is that my first appointment at the cancer clinic was moved one week ahead to this Wednesday morning. Your earnest prayers, loving notes, Scriptures and meals are a breath of fresh air to us. And finally, we are looking forward to meeting with our church elders for prayer this Thursday at 5:15 p.m. We welcome your prayer support wherever you are, as you are able!

What a great day!

Day 21—It Happened at Pandora, of All Places…

By Brenda Pue—January 21, 2014 10:57 p.m.

Another rich start to the day in the Psalms!

Carson headed off to work this morning for the first time, and my heart was full that he could be about his ministry calling today, doing what he does so well—loving, leading, serving God and others with such grace and transparency. Carson handed off the “wife care” baton to my sweet friend. This arrangement is in place in case of a seizure event, and I might add that only a very sweet friend would sign up for that job. But today is her birthday, and we had plans to celebrate together, as we have done for so many years. What fine memories we have!

She was given a Pandora bracelet for Christmas, and I really wanted to get her a charm from me for her birthday this year. So off we went to pick out the perfect one! We were having so much fun on this outing, and then it happened…I started weeping quietly right there at the counter. The bewildered salesperson, someone I’d never met, reached out and put her hand on top of mine. It took me a while to recover.

I have chosen to live life with faith, and I know that my emotions in this season are a good and vital part of this journey. I am learning much from the psalmist these days. And it is good. I love life. I love people. I love God. Passionately! The past 10 days have only refocused and deepened that love for me. I choose life. I choose blessing. I choose faith. And that is making all the difference right now!

Day 22—Unexpected…

By Brenda Pue—January 22, 2014 10:29 p.m.

We thought our day was nicely laid out and organized. We had a plan! We love planning. We would meet my new doctor (a radiology oncologist) at 8:15 a.m. at the cancer clinic for a “consult” and then would be on our way home by 10:30.

This is such a new, strange world to me. We learned much about my diagnosis today. I like my oncologist. He is quiet, gentle, knowledgeable, patient and skilled. Pretty much the kind of guy I want to have on board at a time like this. He spent almost two hours with us. I asked lots of questions, and he asked more. At the end of the appointment, he sent us to a different part of the building to watch a video about radiation therapy. We were ready to leave for the day and move forward with our “plan”—Carson heading into work, and me with a couple of appointments that we were looking forward to. That was not to be. Instead…

- my radiation therapy treatment started today

- a new blood panel was ordered and drawn

- a diagnostic mammogram [was] booked

- an appointment [was] booked with a chemotherapy oncologist

- the oncology team decided to move forward with a biopsy of the mass in the lung

That two-hour appointment turned into a seven-hour episode. A dear friend and mentor once told me that “confidence is a by-product of predictability.” It is a wonderful truth. The problem is that there is nothing predictable about a cancer diagnosis. The target keeps moving. And God is meeting me even in the chaos and confusion of the unexpected.

Day 23—Much Needed Peace and Quiet

By Brenda Pue—January 23, 2014 10:58 p.m.

Today started quietly for us, and I was grateful. I’m on an anti-inflammatory medication to control cranial swelling that wreaks havoc with sleep. So I’ve been doing a split-shift thing with sleep the past week…awake from 2:30 a.m. to 4:30 or 5:00, and sometimes I’m able to get a couple more hours before getting up for the day.

Now that radiation treatments have started, I am being weaned off that medication. I’m praying that the radiation will work quickly and efficiently so I can stay off. The net result of all this is that I’m pretty much done in shortly after dinnertime.

I had my second radiation treatment later this afternoon, and due to the timing of that appointment, we were not able to make our prayer time with our church elders. I was pretty disappointed about that. It is still a high priority for me, and so we will plan to reschedule. My thanks to all of you who prayed anyway. I am deeply moved by your care, kindness and faith. What an amazing gift you are giving to my family and me.

Tomorrow will be my third radiation treatment, and then I get a break for the weekend before starting again on Monday. I can’t tell you how great it is in this season of weariness to be enjoying the most delicious meals without having to prepare them all myself. I love cooking…just not right now. :)

Day 24—Medical Update and Sacred Moments

By Brenda Pue—January 24, 2014 5:32 p.m.

Here’s a quick medical update from today. I had my third radiation treatment, and second daughter Shari came, bringing lots of love and joy along (third daughter Kirstie came yesterday, and first daughter Kris will join us on Monday). When we arrived home today, we learned that the lung biopsy has been moved from February 17th to this Monday. This place sure moves fast, and we are grateful. My mom is going to come and stay with us, and I’m so excited.

Two days ago, I shared about our whirlwind day at the cancer agency on Wednesday. There is something from that day that I am still savouring. After seven hours of appointments, meetings, tests, and trying to absorb information “on the fly,” we began our drive back to Langley. I think the word that best describes the tone of that drive home is “numb.” We arrived home, where some of our family awaited.

We had slowly begun unpacking the day when the doorbell rang. A dear friend and soulmate, who was scheduled to bring a meal, stood there with smiling eyes and arms loaded with food, roses, and more treats. We went into the living room to talk. She ministered to me in her winsome way, telling me all the different ways she is praying for me. She had taken photos and written captions for each one. I’m including two of the photos here for you. The first one is an image of “Carson and Brenda” nestled in the Rock (Jesus), and the second one is an image of our whole family, all 12 of us nestled in the Rock. As I sat with her, I knew that somehow God was divinely present in those few moments we shared. Peace washed over me in gentle waves. I believe that life is full of sacred and divine moments—I seem to be noticing them more lately.