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Day 40—Rest

By Brenda Pue—February 9, 2014 4:06 p.m.

After the excitement and beauty of yesterday came…rest. It was a gift. I wish I had taken photos of everyone sleeping after breakfast, but I was sleeping too! A few of us went to play ball hockey and winter tennis after our morning nap.

Rest is one of the good gifts that God gives us. It is built into all of creation, including you and me. I have never been one to rest during the day, until recently. I think I felt like I would be wasting time. Now rest has become a necessity for me. I have relinquished this seeming “wasted” time to God, along with a long list of many other things that I have relinquished since this cancer journey began. Things like my energy, my physical body, my independence, my waking and sleeping hours. I have handed all these things over to God, and it hasn’t been as difficult as I thought it would be.

God knows that I have a few projects and dreams that are on my heart. Would you join me in praying that the rest I am given will provide the time and energy to realize those dreams in due season?

Day 41—Making Memories

By Brenda Pue—February 10, 2014 9:44 p.m.

We arrived home from our Barnabas weekend with full hearts. Yesterday when Landon and I were out walking, he said, “Grammy, wouldn’t it be great if we could all just live here in this big house together, forever? I love it here.” I agree that it was a truly wonderful time for all of us. A fun project that Landon and I did together this weekend was making custom bracelets for the whole family.

It’s good to be home, though.

Now begins a new week, and here is what I’m facing: I am back into doctor appointments and more tests this week. The main appointment is another brain MRI on Thursday. This will be to determine what is happening with the cancerous lesions in my brain. I hope to get the results from the MRI the following week. I am experiencing fewer and less extreme headaches. I’m not entirely pain free but grateful to be feeling better than I was. I’ve noticed whenever I have a test or scan that my mind fills with questions. And the one thing the human brain doesn’t like is an unanswered question. So this will be a week of waiting until I get some answers. Since patience is not my strong suit, I will be leaning in to God a little more this week.

Enjoy a few photos from our weekend.

Day 42—Tsunami and Hope

By Brenda Pue—February 11, 2014 8:43 p.m.

We received a card today with a drawing of a great wave on the front, and inside the card it talked about this experience being a personal tsunami. I closed my eyes for a moment to fully absorb the impact of that word picture. That is an apt descriptor of how this journey has felt for us. And like a tsunami, with little warning and little time to prepare, the results are unpredictable as far as how each day after unfolds.

And in all this uncertainty God shows up in hundreds of ways to bring hope. Every card, every meal, every flower, every Scripture, every gift, every act of kindness, every song, every message, every prayer brings hope to our overwhelmed souls.

As we were leaving Barnabas yesterday, my dear friend Kathy, who heaped blessing upon blessing on our family throughout the entire weekend, handed me a Christmas children’s book and said, “This is to read to your grandchildren next Christmas.” I haven’t read the book yet, because every time I look at it the tears come. Not tears of sadness, but tears of hope.

Day 43—Eclectic Day

By Brenda Pue—February 12, 2014 9:05 p.m.

My day began with a friend recording a short video greeting for Arrow Leadership alumni, before my first medical appointment of the day.

Sharon (Kristin’s mom) and my mom accompanied me to a radiation follow-up appointment to track what I have been experiencing this past week since my brain radiation treatments. I reported that, generally, I have fewer and less intense headaches and that I am off all medications. Gale, my radiation therapy nurse, asked lots of specific questions and at the end of our time said, “You are doing really well.” And, with the exception of a couple of rough days, I do feel so much better than I have felt in a couple of months, in terms of head pain.

My second appointment of the day was more medical imaging, and I will share results, hopefully next week.

Now for the fun part. I took Sharon and my mom to the cosmology department at the cancer agency. It is full of wigs, hats, toques and scarves. Because I am losing my hair at an alarming rate the past few days, and since Carson is liking my new short hair look, I asked if I could buy a short-haired wig. Brianna, who was overseeing this department today, said, “You can have any one wig and two hats you like.” I was so astonished at such generosity that there was a notable loss of oxygen in the room for a few moments when I inhaled. :) So Sharon and Mom helped me choose a short wig and a scarf today.

The wig, while fun, is a visible reminder of the storm that rages around me. Despite the storm, I feel peace, joy and contentment in my heart and soul…remarkable gifts from my Heavenly Father…that are indescribable but so real to me.

Day 44—Living a Different Story

By Brenda Pue—February 13, 2014 9:31 p.m.

I read an article today by J. I. Packer drawn from his latest book Weakness Is the Way. I share it with you because it is a very real part of my journey over the past month. Packer was born in 1926 and writes from personal experience of one who has navigated 88 years of life in this world. He says, “The Christian way of life and service is a walk of weakness, as human strength gives out and only divine strength can sustain and enable.”3

I simply cannot function the way I always have. I have loved being strong and, yes, even powerful. But I am not that right now. I am learning to find contentment in Christ being my strength. He is so much better at this than I ever was. As Packer says, “We all crave to be admired for strength in something.”4 This was my story.

Now I’m living a different story. I am learning to lean in to 2 Corinthians 12:9: “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” (NIV). By leaning in, I mean that I am not panicking about pain, weariness, hair loss, etc. Even though what I am experiencing is strange and uncomfortable, I am putting my hand in His and trusting God to lead the way. It’s actually a relief to not have to manage all this. So, no panic…just lots of grace and peace.

And while I’m on the topic of grace, I was delighted to learn that I didn’t have to have the MRI after all! A mistake was made in scheduling—they forgot to cancel the original appointment after it was moved forward a month. I was on the phone with my doctor (real time), who suggested, “Perhaps the person who made the scheduling could use your MRI slot.” LOL :).

So instead I enjoyed lunch with my friend, my mom and my third daughter, Kirstie. That’s way better than having an MRI of my brain.

Day 45—A Word About My Man Today

By Brenda Pue—February 14, 2014 3:39 p.m.

The first words Carson spoke to me this morning were “We’ve celebrated 38 Valentine’s Days together.” He loves any opportunity to celebrate the two of us, not just on Valentine’s Day. He has loved me so well all these years. So many times I have thanked God for Carson and have wondered what I ever did to deserve him. In the end I’ve decided he is God’s gift to me. God knew I would need someone just like him.

I know if Carson was writing this, he would probably say the same thing about me. We’ve been married long enough to finish each other’s thoughts and sentences. But somehow I feel like I got so much more.

I’ve often pondered the secret of a great marriage. My best thought on this is mutual humility. I became a follower of Jesus when I was 12 years old. That was my first profound act of humility. That was when I first admitted my pride and my selfishness to both myself and God. This first moment of humility has made all the other moments of humility possible. And there have been many. This has not been one-sided. Carson became a follower of Jesus when he was 17 years old. This was his first humbling moment with God. Having experienced humility to the depths has allowed both of us to long for forgiveness, which has built great trust between us. It’s worked so well for us for almost 37-plus years…

Another benefit of mutual humility is that it has produced authenticity in our marriage and in our family. I am grateful for a loving, godly and trustworthy husband, who is a ton of fun, very wise, full of adventure, and who loves laughter, loves others and just generally loves life.

Day 46—The List of Things on My Mind

By Brenda Pue—February 15, 2014 4:17 p.m.

There are a number of things that I find myself thinking about these days. So I thought I would download my list. Yes, I am one of those “list” types. The reason is that I have been influenced by a story that I heard years ago and have put it into practice for years in both my ministry context and the home context.

I wish I could remember all the specifics, but here is how I remember the story. A US company hired the president of another successful enterprise as a consultant. What did the company want? They asked the consultant for the number-one business practice to which he would credit the success of his company. They offered to pay him a large sum of money for his help.

So the president agreed to meet with them as a consultant. His idea? Have each person on the leadership team make a list every day of the top ten things to be accomplished and prioritize each item. Tackle the critical must-dos first, working through the list. Any unfinished items simply move to the next day. The business that hired the consultant agreed to try it. It worked so well that they ended up paying the consultant double the agreed-on amount.

When I first heard this story, I decided to try it, and it has been a helpful practice over the years. However, the list that is swirling around in my mind doesn’t lend itself to being an action checklist per se. But here’s a list of what is most on my mind and heart lately:

- the impact that my cancer diagnosis has on my immediate family

- the impact on my parents, siblings, friends, and relatives

- the impact on younger ones

- the impact on Arrow Leadership with my sudden, unanticipated departure

- time for legacy matters

- time for research and pro-active health

- the unknowns of the impact of treatment

- the uncertainty around energy and my tiredness

- our meeting on Monday morning with my new chemotherapy oncologist re lung biopsy results and possible new treatment plan

- wisdom to prioritize my limited energy

- my whole scalp soreness from radiation

- my desire to live in the present while giving attention to some future matters

- living in hope and faith

This is my list. These are the things that wander through my mind and heart that I find myself praying about. If you are a praying person, I invite you to join in. Thanks for every prayer and every encouragement along the way. I know that God is hearing. I sense that He is up to something. I have no idea what, because I’m not Him. And I’m deeply humbled and blessed to have you along on this journey…

Day 47—Grandchildren

By Brenda Pue—February 16, 2014 9:41 p.m.

Today is my second oldest grandson’s birthday. The whole family was there to celebrate. What an incredible privilege it is to be a part of a grandchild’s life. I love experiencing life through a child’s eyes. How refreshing is a child’s sense of wonder at the world! It’s so good for us busy and overwhelmed adults to be with children (and I would add dogs too). Children and dogs have no idea how to be anything other than who they are. There is something so wonderful about that. We all need children in our lives.

Photo credit: Tania Di Meglio, RedHanded Photography

I also believe [in] investing in following generations as a great trust as well. I want to pass along my love, values and faith to the next generation and the next. It’s my joy and my responsibility. It requires time and effort to invest in children and grandchildren, but it pays huge dividends—I would say eternal dividends. If I am given more time on this earth, this is how I want to invest my life…serving generations that follow and serving my God wholeheartedly.

For Christmas, our kids gave us a gift of a family photo shoot. We had planned to do the photos [in] late spring or early summer. When we received the news of my cancer diagnosis we decided to do the photos right away. Enjoy this photo of my beautiful grandkids.

Day 48—Medical Update and Faith Words

By Brenda Pue—February 17, 2014 7:19 p.m.

Carson and I met with my new oncologist this morning at 9 a.m. She is a chemotherapy oncologist. My last oncologist specialized in radiation. We learned that my last lung biopsy was inconclusive in terms of a chemotherapy treatment plan. This was the last thing we expected to hear today, even though this is not unusual. So we made the decision to move forward with one more lung biopsy. This will be my third and last biopsy. So I’m hopeful that this procedure will be conclusive. A request has been made for the biopsy to be done in a week. Then waiting for results. Then sorting out a treatment plan. And so we wait…

In the meantime, I have been pondering a verse in the Bible: “Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God” (Matthew 4:4 NIV).

What this means for me as I walk this road is that there is so much more to my life than my physical, material being. If that is all I have as I travel along, I’m pretty much doomed. The hope part of my journey is that I live on every word that comes from the mouth of God.

As I think on that, I realize that I need to read and digest God’s words and His perspective on everything, including cancer.

I received an affirmation of this today. I read a true story about a woman who was given three weeks to live. She took to heart the story in the Bible from John 2:1–12 where Jesus’ mother said to some servants, “Do whatever he tells you” (NIV). Twenty-two years later, this lovely woman still lives by “Do whatever God tells you.” In other words, she has taken the time to absorb God’s Word daily for 22 years.

I’ve found [that] God’s words have been profound all my life. Now, I feel like God’s words are life itself. This is the kind of bread I want to eat every day!

Our day ended better than it started. We met with our kids tonight to talk through our disappointment and to pray together. How I love doing this journey with our family…they are amazing. Total blessing!

Day 49—How or When?

By Brenda Pue—February 18, 2014 10:16 p.m.

I’m not sure how it happened or even when it happened. But somewhere in my life journey I got the idea that I would live to a certain age. In my mind I had it all sorted out. I even decided the perfect way for me to pass from this life into the next. Of course it would be painless. And the best part is that it would be what I wanted and how I imagined it. These are just two of a very long list of assumptions that I’ve made about my life and myself.

My cancer journey has challenged every preconceived notion I ever made about life and myself. I am asking myself hard, uncomfortable questions. God is opening my eyes to see more than I’ve ever seen before. Why am I entitled to anything? It’s an easy answer. I’m not. I don’t deserve anything at all. Why should I deserve more or better treatment than any other person? It pains me to see others who have been given such a heavy load to bear in this life. So many people endure far greater suffering than I will ever know.

It feels like God has stretched my heart and mind wide open to see outside of the box. I’m seeing life, God and myself differently. I’m feeling things I’ve never felt before, and I’m praying differently. Marriage, and family, is richer. Every night Carson and I share our top three blessings of the day. There have been so many. Amazing! I no longer feel the need or desire to control my destiny. I feel more strongly than ever that God’s got this at so many levels.

P.S. I learned today that my lung biopsy is scheduled for this coming Monday (more on that later this week). I am grateful that it is moving forward quickly and that wheels are set in motion for treatments as well.

Day 50—The People Close In

By Brenda Pue—February 19, 2014 9:21 p.m.

My mom moved in with us a few weeks ago. What an incredible gift that is to us. I know she is deeply missed by her family, church and friends back home—thank you all for understanding that we need to be together now. I appreciate sharing these precious days with her. What an amazing gift she is.

Since I am not able to be on my own due to the possibility of seizures (to my knowledge, I haven’t had one), I can’t think of anyone better to hang out with. She “gets” me. God definitely cut us out of the same piece of cloth. So it is easy and comforting to be together in this season of unknowns.

Mom is also a gift to Carson. He has been able to be back at work without worrying about me. That is huge, as he has lots going on at so many levels. I pray for him the most, knowing that it is such a helpless feeling for a spouse. So much of our lives has changed the past five-plus weeks. Just having my licence taken away has been a game changer for us. I’m not able to support him in that way anymore, which has added a degree of difficulty to our lives.

I feel that these ones who are “close in” need some extra prayer these days. They absorb the day-to-day realities with me and need extra prayer covering. I am grateful for all the extra help we are getting, with driving, meals, prayer, practical care and your encouraging cards and posts. My heart is full. Thank you!

1 C. S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain (London: The Centenary Press, 1940).

2 Words and music by Ben Fielding and Dean Ussher, “Anchor,” © 2012 Hillsong Music Publishing, CCLI: 6514121. Used with permission.

3 J. I. Packer, Weakness Is the Way (Illinois: Crossway, 2013), 22.

4 Packer, Weakness Is the Way, 50.