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Day 25—Pondering Pain
By Brenda Pue—January 25, 2014 9:49 p.m.
It was good to have a break from radiation treatments today. We’ve been told that the radiation keeps working post treatments. I confess that this afternoon has been physically hard for me, so I’m pondering the difficult concept of pain and suffering. I’ve had a range of feelings about this. And this isn’t my first time in the ring, staring pain down.
We all instinctively avoid pain. And yet it is unavoidable. So what do we do with it? Some run. Some self-soothe. Some get angry and frustrated. And every now and again, you come across a remarkable soul who embraces it. These ones, I believe, have learned profound truths about themselves, about the world, and about God in the very act of embracing. I’m aware that the crux of our struggle is marrying the idea of a good God with human suffering. They just don’t seem to “couple” very well.
One of my favourite books on the subject is called The Problem of Pain, by C. S. Lewis. He tackles this unseemly marriage in this book. I commend it to you, if this is something you are wrestling with as a result of my circumstances or someone else’s situation. This quote from the book resonates with me:
We can ignore even pleasure. But pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.1
Thank you for your kind words and beautiful prayers for my family and me. Please know that we pray for you too!
Day 26—Anchor
By Kristin Pue—January 26, 2014 3:58 p.m.
For those of you that don’t know me, I am Kristin, Brenda’s daughter-in-law (married to Jason).
As I was driving to church this morning I was struck by the fact that only a short four weeks ago, we were finishing up our family Christmas activities and settling in to enjoy the last part of our holidays. A week later we started on this journey with Mom that has changed everything. The last three weeks have felt like months, but in this time I have grown to love my family more and more with each passing day.
I married into the Pue family almost 10 years ago. From the moment I met Brenda and Carson, they treated me like a daughter. Jer and Jon have always been my little brothers that I never had. And for the last 12 years, my parents and Jason’s parents have been friends. That is something I will never take for granted. The love and care that our two families share is beyond anything I could have imagined.
For as long as I’ve known Brenda/Mom she has carried herself with such amazing grace and faith. She loves her boys beyond anything, and she has wisdom that is better than any book! She has often been the one I’ll call in tears of frustration in raising my two boys, and she gladly and calmly talks me through each situation. And no matter what she has going on, her family is always put above it, and in this situation that she is now faced with—this has not changed.
Mom is leading us all through this with such strength. Her unwavering faith, her positive attitude, her strength and her character constantly amaze me. Now I’m not saying she hasn’t had her moments, because we all have, and we all will, but she always comes out with a smile on her face because she is being held by the hand of God.
As a family, we are constantly encouraged by the amazing support that you all have shown us. We know without a shadow of a doubt that there is an army behind us, praying for Mom and believing for her healing. Thank you for doing that for us.
There have been days that have felt so low, so hopeless, but no matter what, God has given us all a peace that passes our own understanding. This song has been one that I’ve clung to these last few weeks:
ANCHOR
By Ben Fielding and Dean Ussher
I have this hope as an anchor for my soul
Through every storm, I will hold to You
With endless love, all my fear is swept away
In everything I will trust in You
There is hope in the promise of the cross
You gave everything to save the world You love
And this hope is an anchor for my soul
Our God will stand, unshakeable
Unchanging One, You who was and is to come
Your promise sure, You will not let go
There is hope in the promise of the cross
You gave everything to save the world You love
And this hope is an anchor for my soul
Our God will stand, unshakeable
Unchanging One, You who was and is to come
Your promise sure, You will not let go
Your Name is higher, Your Name is greater, all my hope is in You
Your word unfailing, Your promise unshaken, all my hope is in You2
Beyond all the fear, the unknown, we know that God is our anchor and we know that He has the ultimate plan. Thank you for being a part of this journey with us.
Day 26—Calm Before the Medical Storm
By Brenda Pue—January 26, 2014 10:39 p.m.
I was given the gift of a beautiful, calm day today. I treasured this day. I want to remember all the details of this day.
Wife-care duty started at 7:30 a.m. so that Carson could head into church for the first time since this all started two weeks ago. It was so good for him and for the church to see each other. Meanwhile, at home, my friend and I read the Psalms and talked and prayed. Then we went for a long walk together.
When Carson got home, I made us a nice lunch, and we talked about the day. And then we went out for dinner together. It was a sweet gift to us, because tomorrow begins another big medical week. I have my fourth radiation treatment first thing in the morning, followed by an appointment with my radiation oncologist and finally a biopsy of the tumour in my lung. On Tuesday my fifth and final radiation appointment for this round is scheduled. The remainder of the week will be more tests, more results, etc. No wonder I’m so tired. This is a full-time job!
Here are a few of my biggest prayer concerns as I head into this week:
1. Minimize the impact of the radiation to all the normal, healthy brain cells while destroying the cancer cells.
2. No complications with the lung mass biopsy and that they would get a sufficient sample the first time—they don’t make more than three tries due to damage/complications to the lung.
3. That the genetic coding of the mass shows it is treatable.
4. I need a diagnostic mammogram appointment very soon.
5. That in the midst of all this we would not lose heart.
Those are the biggies—I know God will lead you to pray the long list of things that are not mentioned. Thank you for standing with me, and my precious family, in the greatest challenge we have ever faced. Your kindness/mercy towards us is a gift too rich for words.
Day 27—First@work
by Kristin Pue—January 27, 2014
On Mondays, Dad (Carson) typically writes an e-letter that goes out to business leaders at First Baptist Church. This week, in his absence, Darrell Johnson wrote it. Mom and Dad asked that I share it with you all to read.
First@work: A Framework for Prayer
I know that you, along with literally thousands of other believers, are praying for Brenda and Carson Pue as they, hand in hand with the Lord, continue the aggressive treatments for the cancer. I ache for them. And I am humbled by their faith.
And I know that you are praying for others in your life—in your family network and in your workplace—who also need God to do a miracle. You are, no doubt, praying for Him to work a miracle somewhere in your own life.
So I thought that I would share with you the framework, so to speak, in which I am praying. The gospel truths on which I depend as I pray.
The Living God knows. Everything that we are facing. Every dimension of everything we are facing. Everything we are thinking and feeling about what we are facing. He knows it all intimately.
The Living God hears. Everything we pray. The articulated prayers, and those we cannot articulate, that may only get expressed as “sighing” (of which the psalmist regularly speaks). He hears.
The Living God cares. About everything we are facing. About everything we are thinking and feeling. About our longings, about our fears, about our dreams and nightmares. He cares. Deeply. Non-judgmentally.
The Living God is able. To do something about everything we are facing. He is, after all, the Creator of the universe! He raised the Lord Jesus from the grave; He overcomes the greatest of all enemies. “Now to Him who is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think” (Ephesians 3:20 NKJV).
He is able, more than able, to do what no one else can do or dream of doing. If this were not so we would be wasting our breath in praying.
The Living God invites us to share with Him our heart’s desires. I often do not know whether what I am asking Him to do is what He wants to do. He tells us to not let that bother us. He invites us to simply express what we want Him to do—no holds barred. Just lay it out there. “This is my will, Lord. I do want Your will. But this is mine.” He knows what we are wanting anyway, so just lay it out before Him in all our uncalculated desiring.
The Living God then asks us to trust Him. To trust Him to be at work in what we are facing, trusting Him to be good and work for the good (Romans 8:28). For more is going on than what we see, hear, think, feel, understand.
Four days before Christmas in 2000, our then 18-year-old son Alex, whom we had adopted from Russia six years earlier, was hiking with a group of friends in the mountains and fell off a 120-foot cliff. He sustained broken bones all over his body, as well as injury to eight different parts of his brain. He went into a coma. On the night before Christmas Eve, as I drove home after spending the day with Alex in ICU, I was feeling all alone. I then heard in my head the following words, to which I have clung in other crises.
“Things are not as they seem.
In your life.
In your son’s life.
In the lives of other patients in ICU.
Things are not as they seem.
More is going on than meets the unaided senses.
There is a God.
A good God.
A faithful God.
A powerful God.
A reigning God.
An ever-present God.
There is never a time when this God is not good.
There is never a time when this God is not powerful.
There is never a time when the God of the Bible is not attentive.
There is never a time when this God is not on the throne.
There is never a time when the God who comes to us as Jesus is not present.
It is His promise: ‘I will never leave you or forsake you.’”
Pour out your heart to Him, and trust Him to do what only He can do.
In Christ,
Darrell
Day 27 Evening—Day Is Done and Comic Relief
By Brenda Pue—January 27, 2014 8:57 p.m.
It is so good to crawl into bed tonight after a big day. Carson, Kristin and I headed to the cancer clinic first thing this morning. The first appointment for their day was my fourth radiation treatment.
It felt good to introduce another daughter to the radiation techs and to show her around the treatment area. The treatment itself is quick and painless, and the technicians are very nice. Our next appointment was with my radiation oncologist (loved it that Kris could meet him too). It was an opportunity to ask him lots more questions.
At the end of our time—this is the comic relief part—I informed him that the toll-free number on his business card was actually a number for an escort service and probably a little more. The look on his face was priceless! The funny thing is that he’s had these cards for years and no one else has ever mentioned this until today. I don’t know why I find this so funny…but I have always loved Gary Larson’s The Far Side kind of humour.
My CT-guided lung mass biopsy was scheduled for 1 p.m. I checked in at noon and got prepped for it. I was intrigued to learn that they would not use conscious sedation, as I had been told, because they needed me awake for this procedure. So I ended up watching the entire procedure, and it was fascinating. Now I am home, in bed, and glad to have this day behind me. Thanks for the many prayers that got us through this day. It’s so good to be home!
Day 28—Radiation Graduation
By Brenda Pue—January 28, 2014
Today was my final radiation treatment, so I guess it’s a graduation of sorts. My son Jason and friend Kelly accompanied me today, and we had a great day together. The hospital has a Starbucks inside, so after the treatment we sat and talked, long and deep, just the three of us. I loved that moment.
This day has been filled with so many blessings, and I find myself just wanting to “park” there for a while…
- I discovered that the flower urns on my front porch are now filled with colourful primulas instead of the dried Christmas decorations that were there yesterday
- my house got cleaned today
- an iPod filled with worship songs arrived today
- a couple of beautiful letters from long-time friends came in the mail
- the most amazing in-laws ever
- a CD filled with more worship songs
- my sweet husband, who is so “there” for me
- more treasures from God’s Word that are life-giving to me
- your prayers and encouragement, which keep my focus right where it needs to be
This all adds up to a wonderful Radiation Graduation day for me! I couldn’t be more grateful! I’ll give more of a medical/prayer update tomorrow—just really wanted to focus on and celebrate the goodness of this day!
Day 29—Medical Update and a Few Prayer Thoughts
By Brenda Pue—January 29, 2014 10:59 p.m.
I thought I would share what I am experiencing physically today, in order to help guide your prayers. I still have my hair…apparently not for long, I’m told…but my oncologist and radiology techs all seemed surprised by that. I’m okay with losing my hair, except for my grandkids. That’s a bit of a gulp for me. Would you please pray for grace around that?
I’m feeling the effects of radiation today…mild headaches, mild brain swelling/pressure, and mild nausea. I’ve learned that the effects of the radiation treatments will continue for two to three months…I’m hopeful that I won’t feel like this the whole time. That’s another area for prayer.
The lung biopsy went well, and I’ve had no complications at all. Also, in spite of the nausea, I have been able to keep eating and therefore I am able to keep my weight up. In fact I’ve gained two pounds and am feeling pleased about that.
A dear friend and mentor who has faced a cancer battle three times said to me that the hardest part of a cancer journey is what it does to the mind: fear, despair, hopelessness, etc., almost more so than what is happening to the body. As I look around the waiting room, at least in the radiation section of the clinic, that’s exactly what I see on the faces of everyone there. What a sad place! Lord, have mercy. And I confess momentary struggles in my own mind. Much prayer is needed to overcome the impact that cancer has on the mind…not just for me but for so many. How blessed I am to be able to find relief, guidance and hope in Scripture and in your prayers.
Tomorrow evening we get to meet with our church elders for prayer. I’m feeling much in need of prayer and am so grateful to our church leadership for making this happen.
Day 31—Blessed by Our Church
By Brenda Pue—January 31, 2014 7:58 a.m.
We (Jason, Kristin, Carson and I) had the joy of meeting with the leadership of our church for prayer. The Bible says, in James 5:14, “Is anyone among you sick? Let them call the elders of the church to pray over them and anoint them with oil in the name of the Lord” (NIV). So it’s been in my mind and heart to do this since we received the cancer diagnosis earlier this month.
We walked into the room of our pastor’s (Darrell Johnson) home, where all the leadership were gathered. Darrell led us through Scriptures, prayers and anointing with oil. The main Scripture that Darrell choose, Luke 18:35–43, was the same one that came to me two nights earlier in the darkness as I was lying awake. Profound. I will long remember this night…the faces of those amazing people, the prayers, the tears, the smiles and the incredible love in that room.
Our church has been one of the greatest blessings and expressions of care we have ever experienced. It just doesn’t get any better than this. All four of us were deeply blessed by our church. I had been thinking I might feel a bit tired after this momentous evening, but the opposite happened: I was buoyed up with energy and joy! So, we ended up having a wonderful, spontaneous double date with our kids downtown. I didn’t expect that. The whole evening felt magical to me!
Day 31—Quick Note and More Tomorrow
By Brenda Pue—February 1, 2014 12:17 a.m.
The top blessings of today came through family and a wonderful ministry friend. Today my mom and sister from Penticton arrived! My mom is moving in for a while, and my sister is here for her first instalment visit :) There is something about their presence that is “home” for me. More on that later….
And then there was the visit with our friend from Kuwait. He came in and we visited…deep, deep, deep. Then we went for a long walk together. The day was beautiful, and the conversation continued. We came back home, and he got down on his knees and prayed for us. It seems that people who minister in difficult settings seem to understand things about prayer.
Day 32—Reprieve
By Brenda Pue—February 1, 2014 11:41 p.m.
I have a week off before a few tests and meeting with two different oncologists the following week: another radiation oncologist for follow-up and a chemotherapy oncologist (I think to discuss results from the lung biopsy and a treatment plan).
Here is one specific prayer for this week. My doctor has been gradually weaning me off an anti-inflammatory medication that reduces cranial swelling but has some nasty side effects like diabetes and sleep deprivation. Today was my last dose, and I’m praying that I will respond well enough to stay off that medication. I’m hoping for some much needed rest this week.
So the gift of reprieve this week is precious to me. It’s good for me to be with my mom and sister right now. That wonderful place of knowing and being known, and being loved. That is family at its best, a place of honesty and grace. True home. I wish you could have seen my kitchen today. They decided to clean my pantry for me. I can honestly say, it has never looked that organized.
I think this is going to be a great week!
Day 33—Israel Trip
By Brenda Pue—February 2, 2014 7:58 a.m.
Today is the day that Carson and I were to leave for Israel. We were to be part of the leadership team for a tour from our church. With my cancer diagnosis on January 11th, that door was firmly closed. For some reason, this loss felt big to me, even bigger than losing my driver’s license.
So you may be able to imagine the significance of some very precious “gifts from Israel” that were given to me over the past two weeks. The first one came from our in-laws: a beautiful bottle of anointing oil from Israel. Carson uses it to pray over me every night before we go to sleep.
Three more gifts came from our long-time friend (from Toronto) who recently visited Israel and on the return flight home from the Holy Land changed his flight to Vancouver to hand deliver these gifts. The first of the three actually came via technology: a photo of my friend praying for me at the Wailing Wall. Not sure why, but I can’t look at that photo without crying. The next two gifts were hand delivered: one is a little box made of olive wood and filled with eight little wooden communion cups, one for each adult in our family; and the second is called a mezuzah. It is made of Jerusalem stone with a tiny scroll embedded into the base of it. It is to be placed at the door of a home and is a Jewish blessing for all who enter or leave.
I’m overwhelmed by generosity and kindness. Needless to say, I’m excited about following the adventures of our FBC Israel study tour!
Day 34—Good Day
By Brenda Pue—February 3, 2014 11:21 p.m.
Today was wonderful—for lots of reasons. I slept well and a lot! That just feels so good right now. I feel like I’m catching up on the past few weeks of very little sleep. Headaches (and pressure) were minimal today. I keep a medical log every day, and today’s is my best log entry. That gives me hope.
It was a beautiful sunny day, and we were able to go for a couple of long walks, both morning and afternoon. My sister cooked up a storm today, and since I happen to love eating…
The best part about today is celebrating my mom’s 80th birthday. What a gift she has been and is to me. Selfless, humble, fun, energetic, godly, woman of prayer, wise, sensible, quiet, steady and faith-filled, just to name a few of her attributes. She has blessed me enough for two lifetimes. Although we formally celebrated this milestone birthday a couple of weeks ago, it is a joy to have her be the focus today. I almost had to wrestle her to the ground to keep her from cleaning the kitchen after dinner tonight! That’s just who she is, and I love her for it.
Definitely a good day!
Day 35—Legacy
By Brenda Pue—February 4, 2014 10:11 p.m.
I have legacy on my mind a lot these days. Actually this isn’t a new thing for me, because, thanks to the influence of Arrow Leadership over the past 19 years, legacy is a priority for me and a part of how I order my life. My husband, my kids, my grandkids, my family of origin, and my extended family have an important place in my life.
It might have been easy with a full and satisfying ministry career to relax my legacy standards. And sometimes it was a struggle to find a sense of rhythm with all the demands on my time. But I always had a sense that this was really important, and so I muddled through the best way I knew how. I can honestly say I’ve worked at being intentional about legacy. It just feels like there is a bit more urgency to my sense of legacy since my cancer diagnosis on January 11th. So today, I began working on a memory book for my grandchildren. It was a ton of fun! It is going to take a lot of time and effort to finish it, but I’m committed to it. I’m including a photo of the memory book with this journal entry. It’s never too late to act on leaving a legacy!
