Читать книгу Mr Unbelievable - Chris Kamara - Страница 12
ОглавлениеOK, you’ve heard of Harry Hill’s TV Burps, so now let me introduce you to Kammy’s TV Twerps.
Over the years as Soccer Saturday’s roving reporter extraordinaire, I’ve made some bloopers and gaffes, usually at the rate of three an hour. Most of these are available for you to laugh at on the internet and, believe me, a lot of football fans have thrown them back at me over the years. But for those of you away from your computer at this moment, here’s the transcript of the more calamitous moments. And please excuse my poor use of the English language in these following clips as I do tend on occasions to have trouble with my worms. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I can get very, very excited … unless you ask my wife, of course – she’ll tell you she doesn’t remember the last time I got excited, but that’s another story, even another three chapters.
These are the clips that change this particular roving reporter extraordinaire to roving reporter extraordinary.
ON ALEX McLEISH
‘Alex McLeish has his hands in his head.’
IN THE BUILD-UP TO WIGAN v. WEST HAM
KAMMY: [Smirking] ‘I’ve had a chat with both managers and obviously I can’t tell you the teams, but Wigan are unchanged and Lucas Neill plays for West Ham.’
JEFF: [Sighing] ‘OK, thanks very much for keeping that to yourself, Chris.’
ON A STRUGGLING NOTTINGHAM FOREST
‘It’s real end-to-end stuff, but unfortunately, it’s all up Forest’s end.’
ON AN ALAN SHEARER GOAL
‘They’ve one man to thank for that goal: Alan Shearer. And they’ve also got to thank referee Alan Wilkie.’
ON JUNIOR LEWIS
‘Not only has referee Graham Poll shown Junior Lewis the red card, but he’s sent him off!’
ON BURNLEY
‘For Burnley to win, they’re going to have to score!’
ON CHELSEA 0 SCUNTHORPE 1
JEFF: ‘It’s not 0–0 at Stamford Bridge, the deadlock broken very early on, but it’s Scunthorpe who’ve scored!’
KAMMY: [High-pitched laughter] ‘Jeff, you’re not going to believe this, it’s incredible… Can they believe it? I can’t believe it! Ha, ha! They’re winning one–nil!’
ON FULHAM
JEFF: ‘Have Fulham got their just deserts?’
KAMMY: ‘They have and they deserve it!’
ON A HUGO RODALLEGA INJURY
‘Hugo Rodallega fell over the advertising hoardings as he was running in on goal.’
SOUTHAMPTON v. WEST BROM BUILD-UP
JEFF: ‘Is West Brom a good game for them to have today, you know, in the sense that expectations might be slightly less than if they were playing another team who were struggling?’
KAMMY: ‘Very much so, George. Oh, sorry… I’ve just been speaking to … er, George Burley, Fred… I mean Jeff [cue: fits of unstoppable laughter]’
ON CARLOS TEVEZ
‘They’ve got this man with a heart as big as … as big as … a plate.’
ON DARIUS VASSELL
‘Darius Vassell has had a lot of weight on his shoulders but someone’s just taken those shackles off his feet.’
ON THE BEAUTIFUL GAME
‘That’s the beauty of football. Sometimes it starts off crap, then it gets a bit better.’
So forgive me, Harry Hill, I don’t know which is the biggest gaffe, Carlos Tevez’s big heart or Fulham’s just deserts. There’s only one way to find out… FIGHT! Come on Carlos Tevez…
