Читать книгу Mr Unbelievable - Chris Kamara - Страница 7
ОглавлениеTHE BIG-MATCH BUILD-UP
With your host, Jeff Stelling
Good morning/afternoon/evening (delete as applicable), dear reader, and welcome to your copy of Mr Unbelievable, one of the most anticipated literary fixtures of the season. Well, at least in the Royal Bank of Kammy, where shares have taken a slight tumble following collapses in the Soccer Saturday accumulator. According to our very own financial analyst (Paul Merson), Kammy has clocked up more negative numbers than a Manchester City financial report. Your shrewd investment will keep his Goals on Sunday shirts bright and pristine for the forthcoming season. You should feel very proud.
It’s also money well spent, because Mr Unbelievable delivers far more than your average ex-footballer’s autobiography. I’ve noticed that this work doesn’t pull any punches when discussing former team-mates, managers and Soccer Saturday panellists.
Anyway, I’m honoured to be introducing such a literary masterpiece. As the suave, granny-magnet host of Countdown, I think I’m amply qualified for the task, but I have been pondering on how best to whet your appetites for the chapters ahead. Chances are you’re already familiar with Kammy’s role on Soccer Saturday, so I’ll avoid detailing his greatest moments or blunders. The author does this very ably himself, somewhere around the front of the book.
You’re probably also familiar with Kammy’s day job. It won’t come as a surprise to you that in Sky’s lengthy contract, the details of his role include giggling like a schoolgirl, mispronouncing the names of Europe’s football elite and shouting ‘Unbelievable!’ into my earpiece at Glastonbury Festival volumes. All of this is covered, too. Instead, I’ll list five amazing, incredible and tantalising facts about his playing career which should prepare you for the excitement ahead.
1/ UNBELIEVABLE!
Kammy’s had more death threats than George W. Bush. And not from viewers of Soccer Saturday. As one of the few black players in English football during the 1970s and early 1980s, Kammy was a target for racist organisations such as the National Front. He came through this horrible affair unscathed.
2/ UNBELIEVABLE!
He’s played at Wembley. For a real football team. No kidding.
3/ UNBELIEVABLE!
He’s managed a club to Wembley glory, too. I won’t tell you which one. Giving it away would be like revealing the end of a J.K. Rowling novel, though some of you should know already.
4/ UNBELIEVABLE!
Eric Cantona was his replacement at Leeds. Seriously, I’m not drunk. Though Eric was hardly filling the boots of Cristiano Ronaldo, it has to be said.
5/ UNBELIEVABLE!
He played for England. Once. But not in the way that you’d think.
So with these tantalising nuggets delivered, it’s time for you to enjoy the rest of the show. It’s quite a performance. Just don’t believe any of the scurrilous gossip featuring yours truly. I can assure you it’s all lies.
Jeff Stelling
Winchester Service Station (northbound), 2010
Dictionary Corner
UNBELIEVABLE!
COLLINS DICTIONARY DEFINITION: Unbelievable adj unable to be believed; incredible. Unbelievability n. Unbelievably adv. Unbeliever n a person who does not believe, esp. in religious matters.
UNBELIEVABLE!
SOCCER SATURDAY DEFINITION: Unbelievable adj incredible; (loosely) Magic! ‘Worldy!’ (world class) Top drawer! Out of this world! Unbelievably adv. Unbeliever n a person who does not believe in the goal, tackle, fluffed pen or refereeing decision that has taken place in front of his very eyes; a habitually incredulous person; Kammy.
