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ОглавлениеTHE WHATS AND WHYS OF EXPECTATION HANGOVERS
“Sometimes things have to go wrong in order to go right.”
— Sherrilyn Kenyon
We are all consumers of expectations. They are easy to come by — from parents, family, friends, the media — and many are self-created. Maybe it’s to be successful, get married, have children, look good, make a difference, please others… The list is endless, especially in today’s world, where there are constant opportunities to compare ourselves to others and look for ways to be more, better, or different. Never before have expectations been so high in terms of what humans are capable of, and this creates a paradox of opportunity and pressure.
Expectations are pervasive in our lives, and most of us are conditioned to be driven by them and to attempt to realize them. But we didn’t start out that way. We are all born in a state of pure Love where there are absolutely no expectations. Think of it as our “original innocence.” When you were born, you knew these Truths: You are whole and complete. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You are worthy and deserving. You can trust the Universe. You have a deep inner knowing. You are connected. All there is and all that matters is Love. You are Love.
And then you got older. And things happened that moved you out of love and into fear: someone criticized you; you only got praised for your accomplishments; someone left or wasn’t there for you; you saw people fighting or got yelled at; your heart got broken; you were told your dreams were impossible; you felt incredible pressure to succeed; you got rejected; you made a mistake and judged yourself a failure; you compared yourself to others and believed they were better in some way. Or perhaps you had a blissful childhood and grew up expecting the adult world to be the same way. The moment you got your first reality check in the form of a disappointment was the moment you moved into fear.
When in the grip of fear, we experience disconnection and a sense of emptiness. The voice of our ego and the voices of others become much louder than our inner voice and Spirit, and we feel alone and separate. To manage the disconnection, we start to be driven by what we expect will make us feel loved again. To fill the emptiness, we create expectations of what we believe will fulfill us. Our expectations then become our compass, which often navigates us right into an Expectation Hangover.
“When one door closes, another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.”
— Alexander Graham Bell
“EXPECTATION HANGOVER” DEFINED
You probably have a good sense of what an Expectation Hangover is by now, but here is my official definition: the myriad undesirable feelings, thoughts, and responses present when one or a combination of the following things occurs:
• Things don’t turn out the way you thought, planned, or wanted them to.
• Things do turn out according to your plans and desires, but you don’t feel the fulfillment you expected.
• You are unable to meet your personal and/or professional expectations.
• An undesired, unexpected event occurs that is in conflict with what you wanted or planned.
There are many different types of Expectation Hangover, but they usually fall into one of the following three categories:
Situational Expectation Hangovers. These occur when something does not turn out the way we wanted or we do not get the anticipated satisfaction from achieving a result. Michelle worked so hard to pursue a career in law, but it turned out to be nothing like she expected; she found herself dreading going to work each day. Jason spent over a decade at a company and was promised a hefty promotion but was laid off with no warning.
Interpersonal Expectation Hangovers. This kind of Expectation Hangover occurs when we are let down by someone else or unpleasantly surprised by the actions of another. Jeff got a call that his son, who had always been his pride and joy, was arrested for drug possession. Sarah went on what she thought was a fantastic date but never heard from the guy again.
Self-imposed Expectation Hangovers. These occur when we do not live up to the standards or goals we have set for ourselves. In other words, we are disappointed in ourselves and the results we’ve achieved or failed to achieve. Richard spent a year studying for the medical school entrance exam but did not score high enough to get into the school of his choice. Chelsea gave her first presentation at work and left feeling like she completely dropped the ball.
Although the cast of characters and specific circumstances of an Expectation Hangover vary, the symptoms are generally similar to those of a hangover from alcohol but far more miserable and lasting:
• lack of motivation
• depression
• anxiety
• regret
• physical discomfort
• confusion
• irritability
• self-judgment
• denial
• addictive behavior
• lethargy
• anger
• shame
• guilt
• poor work performance
• diminished creativity
• strained relationships
• faith crises
• social withdrawal
• wanting to stay in bed, turn off the lights, and pull the covers over your head
Our beliefs and self-talk fuel a lot of the symptoms we experience during an Expectation Hangover. When things don’t go our way, it is natural to buy into debilitating thoughts like “I am not enough,” “I did something wrong,” “Everyone else is better than me,” “I’ll be alone forever,” “I’ll never be successful,” “Things never work out for me,” and so on. If something unexpected happens to disrupt the image of who we think we are, we squirm, complain, and attempt to control it because our sense of identity is threatened. Our self-esteem plummets, and we may begin to feel disconnected from a Higher Power, or even question its existence entirely. We get caught up in regretting the past or latching onto the idea of something in the future we think will make us feel better. We’ll do anything to end our suffering — the problem is we just don’t know what to do.
| EXERCISEIdentifying Your Expectation Hangovers |
Now it’s your turn to identify the Expectation Hangovers that are currently causing you the most suffering, by answering the following questions in your journal. For each yes, briefly describe the related Expectation Hangover and label it as situational, interpersonal, or self-imposed. Then, on a scale of 1 to 5, rate the level of disappointment it has caused (1 being bearable, 5 being tremendously painful).
1. Is there something in your life that did not turn out the way you planned?
2. Is there an aspect of your life that you are not enjoying even though you thought you would?
3. Is there someone in your life who let you down?
4. Is there a relationship that has taken a direction that is upsetting to you?
5. Are you disappointed because of something you have done or not done?
6. Do you regret a choice you made or an action you took?
7. Did something happen that caught you off guard and has left you scrambling or disrupted?
Before you considered these questions, you may have been aware of at least one major Expectation Hangover you have or had. Now you may realize there are several Expectation Hangovers you’ve been carrying around. Don’t worry — once you know how to treat one, you will be able to navigate all disappointment with greater grace. For now, identify the Expectation Hangover you are suffering from the most. It will be one you rated high on the disappointment scale (or the one you rated highest if there’s only one with the highest rating). That is the one to focus on first.
“Would it all be different if I had done things differently? Would I be different if I didn’t place so much pressure on myself? I said I never had expectations, but this feeling of loss can only mean that I did, or do.”
— Melanie
WHY EXPECTATION HANGOVERS HAPPEN
“If a man will begin with certainties, he shall end in doubts; but if he will be content to begin with doubts, he shall end in certainties.”
— Francis Bacon
One of the most challenging parts of an Expectation Hangover is feeling that we’ve failed, that we haven’t met the standards or goals we’ve set for ourselves — especially if we’ve poured our hearts into the attempt.
I spent three months putting together an online conference that I was passionate about. I conducted over thirty interviews, wrote tons of marketing materials and emails, produced a video, and hired a team of people. I truly expected 15,000 people to sign up for the conference. A week before the conference, we only had 2,500. I was so let down and could not figure out why we were not getting the results we’d expected. As I beat myself up and went into regret, thinking of everything I could have done or should have done, my Expectation Hangover got worse.
Yet I truly did love putting this project together. I had fun doing the interviews, met interesting new people, was enthusiastic about the subject matter, and produced a body of work I was proud of. But when the outcome wasn’t what I’d expected, all of that went out the window, and I had an instant Expectation Hangover. Suddenly, the entire experience became about the destination and not the journey. Because my ego became obsessed with the numbers, I forgot about the joy, enthusiasm, and creativity that had lit up my soul.
“I had so many illusions about my dream of changing the world through music and meaningful lyrics, and suffered constantly from an Expectation Hangover about not being paid or recognized for it. I was so focused on the outcome that I lost sight of how much I enjoyed creating music.”
— Leslie
Not getting our desired outcome is one of the seemingly cruel ways the Universe teaches us the lesson that the journey of life is more important than the destination. We feel so alive in those moments when we are pouring our blood, sweat, and tears into something we believe in. We feel inspiration, enthusiasm, and passion. Those are all wonderful things to experience, and we like the feelings that accompany them. But as soon as we realize that the dream we had our heart set on did not come true, all the good feelings evaporate into an Expectation Hangover, and we find ourselves asking, “Why is this happening?”
Good question. During my own Expectation Hangovers, I have wanted to know exactly why it was happening, both so I could do something about it and so I could counteract my uncomfortable feelings of uncertainty. We think that if only we knew why something was happening, we could change it and not have to endure the Expectation Hangover.
The main reason disappointment happens is to teach us paradigm-shifting life lessons. An Expectation Hangover is a wild card that causes us to start looking within and, ultimately, to turn in a different direction. On the surface Expectation Hangovers might appear to create disharmony, but they actually have a harmonizing effect because the unexpected is what leads to innovation and novelty.
“The entire time I was growing up, I was told that if I got a job making lots of money, if I found the right man, and if I had the right family, I would be happy. That if I stuck to ‘The Plan,’ I would be happy. Well, imagine my surprise when, as I got closer and closer to achieving The Plan, I felt farther and farther from being happy. I had the moneymaking job, the doting husband, the well-behaved child, and yet where was it? Where was this happiness I had been promised? The sense of fulfillment, purpose, achievement, contentment, and happiness was not there! Why not?”
— Connie
We don’t voluntarily sign up for the lessons Expectation Hangovers teach, because they threaten the things our ego clings to: control, security, and external results. Warning: the lessons I’m about to share won’t be very satisfying to your ego and won’t necessarily give you the kind of answers you desire. For now, I invite you to open your mind to understanding these lessons, and when we get to our treatment plan in part 2, you’ll learn some tools for working with them.
“Replace fear of the unknown with curiosity.”
— Danny Gokey
Lesson 1: Control Is an Illusion
We are great at putting time and energy into achieving the results we want. And the more effort we put in, the more we feel entitled to get the results. When our expectations are met, we feel a sense of security and accomplishment; we feel safe and on track. We expect that life will evolve according to our plan and that people will behave in a predictable way. We all love control because the unknown is downright scary. In fact, I think control has become the master addiction. But the truth is we really don’t have complete control over our lives, and nothing illuminates that truth more brightly than an Expectation Hangover.
Now, you may be thinking, “Of course I have control over my life. Don’t tell me everything is determined by fate or some Higher Power.” Believe me, I hear you. My ego really likes to fight for control too. But in reality, it’s an illusion. For example, you have an idea of what you are going to do tomorrow, but there are a million unexpected things that could happen to alter your plans. Am I saying that everything is up to some Higher Power? No, all of us have free will and therefore have influence over the course of our life. However, we do not have total control over when, how, or if certain events will happen. What we do have is total control over how we respond to what happens. But we put far more effort into attempting to control our life and make things happen than we put into taking responsibility for how we react to Expectation Hangovers. All the effort in the world will not always guarantee the result we desire. When you stop grasping for certainty, a deeper sense of trust emerges. And I don’t just mean trust in the Universe or a Higher Power; I mean trust in yourself and your own capacity to respond to life in an optimal way. Besides, if you knew everything that was going to happen, you would miss out on life’s pleasant surprises.
“What I have realized from my Expectation Hangover is that you never really ‘make it.’ There is not some magical, safe point in life where you are just ‘there’ and don’t have to worry anymore. Life and living are constant. Change is constant.”
— Liana
OLIVIA’S STORY
About a year ago, I got fired. I’d never been fired from a job in my life, and I couldn’t believe it was actually happening. I had worked so hard for my company, and after all my contributions — to be fired?! I felt betrayed, scared, confused, embarrassed, and like something was fundamentally wrong with me. I was also recently divorced and was now going to be responsible for my two small boys all on my own, with no job and no benefits. Since I felt so out of control, I went into a crazed overdrive of obsessively sending out résumés while internally beating myself up for being an awful human being who got fired. I applied for every job I could, even if it didn’t seem like something I wanted to do. I wouldn’t hang out with friends because I told myself I shouldn’t be having fun until I found a job. I constantly worried about money and how I would feel secure again.
Things felt so out of control I finally allowed myself to ask questions like “Do you really want to take another job that will just pay the bills and keep you in the nine-to-five game for another thirty years? Or do you want to take notice, choose to see this firing as a gift, and give your life a hard shift in the direction of your dreams?”
Once I asked these questions and quit attempting to make something happen based on fear, random opportunities to take steps toward the things I really wanted to do, like being a doula, started showing up. These were things I had never pursued because they didn’t feel secure enough. When I started noticing those incredible signals pointing me in the direction of my dreams, I paid attention and finally made a decision to stop trying to control every aspect of my life. I have learned the power and strength that come from walking through the fire of disappointment, pain, and fear. I know it’s better to embrace change than resist it. Don’t get me wrong; I don’t always do it right away. But at least when I’m in resistance, I know I’m bringing it upon myself — which means I can also change it.
Lesson 2: Your Comfort Zone Is a Trap
We all have a comfort zone that we have constructed based on what feels safe and manageable. In this comfort zone, we make certain choices and engage in specific behaviors that reinforce feelings of security. It feels familiar; we know all the ins and outs. Occasionally, we will take a step beyond it, but usually only if we have made a careful list of pros and cons and feel a degree of safety about our level of risk. But our comfort zone does not feel comfortable because it is healthy; it feels so cozy because it is familiar and reinforces the illusion of control.
We are constrained by self-concepts and structures built from expectations about who we are supposed to be and what we are supposed to do. We long to feel the highs of love, joy, inspiration, and passion, but we do not want to feel the depths of uncomfortable feelings such as sadness, anger, and shame. We dream big dreams and desire change in our lives but limit ourselves because we are not willing to step into the unknown. So we continue playing it safe, living life according to our plans, and engaging in familiar routines and behaviors. Disappointment itself can become a comfort zone. As much as you want to treat your Expectation Hangovers, you may be experiencing a degree of complacency about the status quo, having resigned yourself to feeling let down by life; but that is no way to live!
Many of my clients come to see me because they want to change things in their lives. As soon as I suggest something that will create the desired changes but requires them to step out of their comfort zone, they come up with a million reasons why they can’t do it. They stay trapped in their comfort zone, their vitality and sense of purpose withering away because they are not actualizing their potential.
Imagine a plant that has outgrown the pot it was planted in. What would happen? It would never grow into the plant it was destined to become unless it was replanted. Your comfort zone is like a shell of restriction, not protection. That’s why I get so excited when someone has an Expectation Hangover; I know it’s the Universe’s way of making someone uncomfortable enough to bust out of their comfort zone of limitation so they can grow into their full potential. The human experience is one of continuous evolution. Within each of us there is an evolutionary impulse to transform. We are not static beings; change is unavoidable. If we resist or fear change, an Expectation Hangover comes along to help us evolve. No matter what your circumstances, do not settle for complacency or “good enough.” You deserve and are capable of so much more.
Lesson 3: It Ain’t Out There
Perhaps you can relate to the pattern of when/then and if/then thinking: When I get that raise, then I’ll feel financially secure. When I get married, then I’ll feel worthy. When I get a little more experience, then I can start my business. If I had not been laid off, then I would not be depressed. If I lose five pounds, then I’ll feel confident. If I had not made that mistake, then I’d feel proud of myself. The number of when/thens and if/thens our ego can buy into is infinite.
Many people “work on themselves” so they can get something external. It’s wonderful to have dreams, but when the inner work we do is designed solely to get outer results, we continue to experience Expectation Hangovers. We think our happiness comes from getting what we want, and we often pursue our expectations at the cost of our health, relationships, and most of all, the present moment. Our obsession with what we can do, be, or have leaves us constantly looking for some external result. Then, once we get the things we think we want, we experience an Expectation Hangover if they are not as fulfilling as we thought they would be. Or we experience a short-term boost but then start looking for the next thing to strive for. It’s an endless cycle.
Recently, I was hired to speak to a group of CEOs about “achieving fulfillment.” I thought it was quite funny that they used the word achieve in reference to fulfillment — we’re so attached to external results that we even try to “achieve” fulfillment! I began my talk with this very driven group by telling them we were going to meditate and then talk about love. The look on their faces was priceless!
Fulfillment is not something we make happen. Trying to measure up to all our internal and external expectations leaves most of us living as human doings rather than human beings. It is only when we have the courage to let go of what we expect to happen that we begin to experience the kind of fulfillment that lasts. Each Expectation Hangover is an opportunity to let go of something external that we have clung to for worth, safety, or love, and to find — inside ourselves — the experience we are looking for.
Lesson 4: You Are Not Being Punished
During an Expectation Hangover, we have a tendency to think we have done something to deserve the disappointment. We buy into the common misunderstanding that bad things happen to us to test us, or even as payback for something we did wrong. Most of us, whether consciously or unconsciously, carry around a fear that the Universe (or God, Spirit, or Higher Power) is judging us in some way. So when things don’t go our way, we believe the suffering we experience is penance. This could not be further from the truth.
The truth is that every circumstance or situation is for your Highest Good — even if it doesn’t feel like it at the time. The Universe does not punish, test, or keep a list of good/bad and right/wrong behavior. You didn’t do anything wrong. You have always been doing the best you could. Really. Even if you do not totally believe this yet, begin to consider it. Beating yourself up and continuing to believe that you are being tested or punished will only perpetuate your Expectation Hangover and potentially make it worse. What appear to be tests and trials in your life are actually priceless gifts and teachings.
Sometimes what is for our Highest Good is a little humility. Our egos can create some rather unrealistic expectations of others and life in general. This can often lead to a sense of entitlement that will ultimately become alienating. A good, old-fashioned Expectation Hangover is just the reality check we need to stop thinking the world revolves around us.
Having been at his company for a year, Dylan expected to be treated with more respect, have his ideas taken more seriously, and receive a raise. He was frustrated and about to resign, but then he got fired for having a “bad attitude.” Dylan not only was shocked, but also felt wronged. “How could they do this to me?” he was asking. I worked with Dylan on taking responsibility for his part in the situation by looking at how his expectations affected the way others perceived him on the job. I challenged Dylan to question whether his expectations were realistic, given that this was his first job out of grad school and that he was the youngest one at the company. As he took a step back and viewed the situation without taking it personally, he was able to see that he was coming across as having a sense of entitlement. Because Dylan was so focused on what he wanted and thought he deserved, he missed opportunities to be a team player. Fortunately, he was willing to leverage his disappointment and approach his next job search with humility. Four months later he was hired at a start-up where he works in an extremely collaborative environment and loves being a team player. He goes to work focused on what he can contribute rather than being obsessed with what he expects for himself. Keeping his expectations in check prepared him to thrive in this new environment. Disappointment may knock us off our pedestal pretty quickly if our expectations have gotten a little too self-focused and out of touch with reality. This is truly a blessing because, ultimately, a pedestal is a very lonely place to be.
Sometimes our expectations are based in fantasy, and we encounter an Expectation Hangover that feels like punishment when in reality it is saving us from future suffering. My client Jennifer was devastated when she confessed her feelings to a man she thought she was in love with and he rejected her. After her honesty and vulnerability, she felt very humbled and embarrassed, yet she eventually realized she was more in love with the idea of him than with the actual person. Her fantasy-based expectations of what their life together would be like kept her from seeing he was a bit of a player who had no intention of being in the kind of partnership she wanted. Although it was temporarily painful, she was eventually grateful to have the short-term pain instead of going into a relationship that most likely would have come with a lot of suffering.
Not clinging to fixed ideals helps you see more clearly because your vision is not obstructed by fear or desire. Jennifer decided she would be open to God putting the right person in her life instead of obsessively attempting to find him on her own. Ironically, just as she stopped searching for “the one,” she found him. Two years after coming to me for help, she moved into a new apartment and married the man who lived across the hall.
Keep these lessons in mind and begin looking at your life as a grand adventure that offers many opportunities to grow. When we are committed to our values but set our expectations free, we create more space for unexpected opportunities that can lead to happiness rather than a hangover.
“When you dance, your purpose is not to get to a certain place on the floor. It’s to enjoy each step along the way.”
— Wayne Dyer
