Читать книгу Expectation Hangover - Christine Hassler - Страница 13
Оглавление“Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it.”
— J. K. Rowling
How do you treat Expectation Hangovers? Well, it takes a lot more than two aspirin, some greasy food, and staying inside with the lights low. There are ways to experience temporary relief from hangover-like symptoms, but for permanent relief a comprehensive treatment and prevention plan is required. This is quite different from the way most of us face our hangovers — struggling to endure them and looking for something or someone to make us feel better. So before we talk about what does work, we need to talk about what doesn’t. The six most commonly used yet ineffective strategies for coping with Expectation Hangovers are summarized in this chapter.
An Expectation Hangover is the elephant in the room that you’d love to ignore. So instead of truly acknowledging it and facing it head-on, you channel all your energy into something else as a way to avoid it. You keep adding things to your to-do list, crowding out any contemplative space in your life. Your life is full of busyness, not fulfillment. You take a vacation, hoping that a tan will rid you of your worries; you dodge conversations or connections with people that may require vulnerability; you find a project or person to obsess about, to remove the focus from your own pain; or you immerse yourself in some kind of adventure that will distract you from dealing with what is.
“I gave up my job in Switzerland to be with my husband in the United States but found myself in the middle of a divorce just a year later. I kept myself very busy — too busy — so I wouldn’t have to think about what went wrong. I worked full-time, studied part-time, and started to build my writing career. After almost two years of being a workaholic, I couldn’t handle the stress anymore and crashed. I guess I still have some unfinished business to attend to, and I am doing it piece by piece now that I have some room to breathe and the strength to deal with it.”
— Isabelle
Consider: How do you distract yourself from focusing on your Expectation Hangover? How do you avoid truly dealing with disappointment?
Instead of diverting the pain of an Expectation Hangover, you may use some kind of numbing, or suppression, technique. Common methods of numbing include drinking, eating, working, spending money, watching TV, escaping with drugs (prescription or street), spending time on social media, internet surfing, and overexercising. Any kind of addictive behavior that keeps you from truly feeling is a form of suppression. Numbing is easy to do because there is no shortage of quick pick-me-ups and distractions. However, numbing is one of the most damaging coping strategies due to the high level of stimulation it involves. In order to maintain a particular level of suppression over time, you have to keep upping the ante and increasing the stimulation. So the longer you suppress by numbing, the more dependent you become on your suppression tool of choice.
“I was the ‘other woman,’ believing he would leave his girlfriend for me. When I realized this wasn’t going to happen, I didn’t want to get out of bed. Chocolate, wine, and TV became my best friends.”
— Francesca
Consider: What substances or behaviors do you use to numb yourself? When you want to get rid of an unpleasant feeling or thought, what do you crave?
When something disappointing happens, we often buy into the assumption that we are being tested and that passing the test depends on pushing through and persevering, without giving ourselves permission to fully feel. We live in a world where being strong and pretending nothing is bothering us is not only common, but rewarded. “Be strong” is one of the most common pieces of advice I’ve heard, and it’s one of my least favorite because the implication is we shouldn’t feel. We put on a mask, trying to look strong on the outside while falling apart on the inside. Being strong is overrated. Pushing away an Expectation Hangover usually means you’re going to be pushing aside some valuable learning and healing. Vulnerability is a powerful tool for healing. Harshness and mental toughness diminish vulnerability. Perseverance is important when leveraging Expectation Hangovers, but the key is to persevere through your Expectation Hangover rather than mustering the strength to push it away or jump over it.
“On the outside I acted like it was all fine — I was a tough girl. Everyone said, ‘Oh, it will just take time.’ I stopped sharing any feelings because I thought I just needed to be strong.”
— Glenda
Consider: Have you been told by others, or do you tell yourself, to “be strong” when you have an Expectation Hangover? What are the costs of “being strong”? What does vulnerability mean to you?
We understand the power of positive thinking because our thoughts have energy. However, when we are in the eye of an Expectation Hangover storm, giving ourselves a pep talk is not always appropriate and can be a form of avoidance. I see many people put pressure on themselves to move immediately into reciting positive affirmations, but it does not feel authentic in the midst of disappointment. Don’t get me wrong — I am not advocating negative thinking or indulging in a pity party. What I am saying is that acknowledging what is truly authentic for you is an important part of your healing. Pressuring yourself to think completely positive thoughts will most likely trigger self-judgment because it is an unrealistic expectation.
Consider: When experiencing an Expectation Hangover, are you quick to find a way to “make everything okay”? Does positive thinking feel sustainable and believable? If you could give yourself permission to acknowledge that you don’t like what is happening, would that be a relief?
When we don’t like what is happening, we often assume that we just need a new set of circumstances. A new job, a new city, a new relationship, a new car — “the next best thing.” Even if you move to a new city, get a new job, start a new relationship, or invest in a big purchase, that external thing is only a replacement, not a solution, because you’re still carrying around all the unresolved internal issues from your Expectation Hangover. Trying to replace the pain of one thing with the pleasure of something else will not create lasting positive results in your life. Why not? Because what motivated and attracted the new thing was your disappointment and feeling of lacking something. And that’s like building a house on sand. It may stand for a while, but sooner or later, the house will sink because it isn’t built on a strong foundation.
“Instead of dealing with the hurt and betrayal from my breakup, I thought the best way to get over someone was to get under someone else. Yet each new relationship I created felt meaningless and disappointing, so I ended up still feeling miserable, and lonely too.”
— Sophia
Consider: When have you attempted to treat an Expectation Hangover by seeking out “the next best thing”? How did it work out for you? Are you searching for something external to cure your disappointment?
When we have an Expectation Hangover, we sometimes take a “spiritual bypass,” attempting to jump immediately to the blessings of the situation without doing the work that actually facilitates the kind of learning that creates lasting changes in our life. In my experience we cannot solely meditate, chant, or pray our way out of an Expectation Hangover. Spiritual practices are key, but we are multidimensional beings. If we attempt to see the silver lining too soon, we may be turning away from the truth of our human experience. Just as our Expectation Hangovers involve a range of experiences, we have to be willing to address them on a range of levels — emotional, mental, and behavioral, as well as spiritual.
Consider: Are you attempting to repress your negative thoughts, immediately looking for the blessing? Do you believe you should not feel bad — or even experience guilt for “indulging” in your feelings? Are you relying on some spiritual practice to cure your Expectation Hangover?
You have probably used at least a few of the above coping strategies at different times. And you’re in good company. We all employ these strategies because we are never really taught how to deal with disappointment effectively. Because Expectation Hangovers don’t feel good, we look for an expedient way to ease the discomfort. If you deny, judge, or resist your process and what an Expectation Hangover is catalyzing within you, you may actually amplify your symptoms. Left untreated, Expectation Hangovers continue to affect you and influence your thoughts, feelings, decisions, and reactions. Furthermore, you will continue to unconsciously re-create different versions of the same Expectation Hangover.
“Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired, and success achieved.”
— Helen Keller
