Читать книгу The Reflective Workbook for Partners of Transgender People - D. M. Maynard - Страница 4

Chapter 1

YOUR PRIVATE SPACE:

AN INTRODUCTION

IN 2010, my partner of more than 17 years told me he was transgender. I had no idea what this meant or how it would affect my relationship and my life. That being said, no one is more surprised than I that one day I would have both the clarity and opportunity to share what I have learned from the experience of loving a person who transitioned while we were together. My greatest hope is that my journey, and the journeys of those who have so bravely shared their stories with me, will bring you, the partner, a sense of comfort and the knowledge that you are not alone. I want to emphasize that anything I voice is simply my path combined with the stories of others and is not intended to suggest that your path will necessarily be the same as mine or anyone else’s.

I never want to pretend that moving through the transition was easy or painless for me. Nor do I ever mean to imply that I am proud of the way I handled myself on many an occasion. When I think back now, there were moments when I am embarrassed by my thoughts, actions, or words, but there were far more times I was courageous, loving, caring, protective, and supportive. In time, many days were filled with pure joy and celebrations. There is no script or perfect way to travel this road as the passenger while someone you love deeply finds their destiny during the transition process.

As I was looking for support during this time, I desperately tried to sort out all the changes that were occurring. I had wished for a workbook that offered me a private place to express my thoughts yet afforded me some type of structure as a partner of someone in transition. Everything I found focused on the person who was transitioning or transitioned. The only resources I found that included information for partners always placed emphasis on how the partner could help or support the person who was trans-identified. Rarely, if ever, was there space or room for the needs and feelings of the partner.

Then I thought, “How could the experiences that partners have had and are living through be teachable moments to anyone else?” First and foremost, I am a teacher! For more than 30 years I was a classroom teacher, guiding young minds and encouraging them to become lifelong learners. Implicit in the title of educator is a need to protect and nurture those who were under my care. Ensuring a space that fostered tolerance and was free of judgment afforded my students an opportunity to grow from every situation they encountered. As a classroom teacher, my mission was less about teaching and more about questioning, so that those learning, in essence, were their own teachers through exploration. Knowing this, whenever something occurs in my life, I ask myself: What are the lessons embedded within the moment? This is always followed by self-reflection, which has enabled me to draw my own conclusions. Instinctually, I had to become the student, so that I could navigate where I was going and the path I would follow to get there.

This self-reflective workbook is born of my personal desire to offer what I learned from my experience as a partner and is based on a multitude of requests of the people who have taken my workshops at conferences throughout the world. I have compiled and incorporated all the questions, exercises, and tools that were used during these workshops, which partners expressed were helpful. This resource has something for everyone, but not every part will be necessary for every person. Take what you want and leave the rest behind. There are no rules or absolutes in reference to which exercises, tools, or questions to reply to now or if ever. Respond to those that speak to you and your needs.

The chapters are presented in the workbook in a specific sequence, which made sense for what I would have preferred in a resource to guide my journey as my partner transitioned. It should be stressed that you may choose to use this workbook out of order, for each chapter stands independent of the others. As part of your process, it does not matter the order in which you journal the questions you opt to answer from each chapter. You may not be ready for some portions, you may be past others, or you may be right on time for exactly what is being offered. Skip those that do not apply to you at this time. Some questions may become more relevant later on during the transition, while others may never be necessary for you to answer. The choice is always there to add to your responses or reply in a completely different way as time goes on. If you find a later chapter discusses a topic that addresses your needs, move on to that chapter.

Remember to take breaks when you feel it is necessary and know that it is possible to return to any question when you feel refreshed. Make time to go for walks, watch television, or do other things that comfort you. Keep in mind that journaling can be very helpful, provide clarity, and be extremely cathartic; it can also be exhausting, foster ambivalence, and be extremely emotional. Knowing this, I included a Deserving De-Stress Delights section in each chapter, offering specific ways to refocus your energy from the transition and channel it towards finding a place of inner peace and calmness.

Do what feels right and helpful to you. You cannot make a mistake and your thoughts can remain private. No one ever needs to know your entries; however, if, at some point, it feels comfortable to share your journaling with either your significant other or a trusted individual, the option is available to you. This decision is solely yours to make. The routes I took and even the wrong turns I made were all part of the journey that has led me to the privilege of writing this workbook. The life lessons I developed over time can now be shared with others. The intent of this journal is simple: to create a space that feels safe, right, and honorable for all partners, as they map out their own path. The questions posed and the exercises and tools provided within this workbook are those I asked of others and used myself. I realized the answers were always inside of me, as they already are inside of you, waiting to be written down.

AUTHOR’S DISCLAIMER NOTES

• These terms will be used to refer to the non-transitioning partner: the trans partner and partner.

• These terms will be used for the person in transition: trans-identified partner, transgender individual, and significant other. There will be times when the partner not in transition will refer to the person in transition as: partner. Please note that these terms also include those who identify as: crossdressers, gender nonconforming, gender nonbinary, gender fluid, intersex, transsexual, and questioning people.

• For some people, the transition process continues throughout their lifetime; for others, they consider the transition over once all the social and/or medical interventions they desired are in place. For the partner, the duration of the transition process of their significant other can be connected to one of these two circumstances or based on the period when the major focus of the relationship is on the transition. Many partners I know or who have attended my workshops refer to their relationship in terms of before, during, and after the transition, referring to “after” as the period when the topic of the transition is no longer front and center on a daily basis. Therefore, many of the questions that include periods of time may use the phrase “before, during, and after.” You may choose to respond in terms of this sequencing or elect to answer only in terms of “before and during.” I include this disclaimer to acknowledge and honor those for whom the transitioning period is never over; for whom the term “after” may never apply.

• It is recognized that more than one person in the relationship can be transgender and gender nonconforming (TGNC) or in transition. This workbook is offered from the perspective of the partner who is in a relationship with someone who is now trans-identified. The workbook is intended to help anyone who is searching for a reflective resource in respect to their partner’s transition.

• In reference to polyamorous relationships, monogamous couples, or the primary partner/s in the relationship: the vignettes, questions, tools, and exercises contained within this workbook can be used by anyone, whether you are the primary partner or not. Although the word “couple” is the main word used in reference to the relationship, these practices can be used for whatever configuration your relationship takes. The word “couple” refers to two individuals in relation to each other, but I acknowledge that those two people can be in multiple and/or open relationships throughout, before, during, and after the transition.

• In reference to the stage you entered the relationship: this workbook is intended to be useful for those partners who were in the relationship before the transition was known, for those who were present during the transition, and/or for those who were in the relationship after the transitioning was completed. The focus of most of the vignettes, questions, tools, and exercises contained within this workbook is for those partners who were in the relationship before and during the transition. However, several of my workshop attendees have expressed that they have been useful for those who have entered the relationship post any medical and/or social aspects of the transition and for family members or friends.

• LGBTQ and LGBTQQIA+, or other variations, will be used as inclusive terms for anyone who identifies on the continuum; the term used is never meant to exclude or offend any person or group that prefers one variation of this umbrella term over another. Its usage will reflect the details of the story or something specific to the passage it is contained within. The key is that the partner’s needs, best interest, and/or perspective will be the focus in each and every instance.

• Length of relationship: this workbook is intended to be used by partners irrespective of the duration of the relationship, whether it is long-term or short-term.

• This book does not provide medical or legal advice. The information contained in this book is for informational purposes only. The opinions expressed in this book are those of the author, and any ideas or suggestions contained in the book are based solely on the author’s experiences. This book is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical or legal advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified healthcare provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition or treatment and before undertaking a new healthcare regimen, and never disregard professional medical advice or delay seeking it because of something you have read in this book. In addition, you should seek the advice of legal counsel familiar with the subject matter and authorized to practice in your jurisdiction before acting or relying upon the opinions and information presented in this book.

CONTENTS OF THE CHAPTERS

1. Your Private Space: An Introduction

This chapter serves as an introduction that will explain the structure and purpose of the book. The workbook will serve as a place free of judgment for you, the partner, to journal your own journey and support your process throughout the transition. It is a self-reflective, private space where you can voice any of your thoughts, feelings, fears, concerns, worries, confusions, joys, and celebrations in writing. Each of the following chapters will focus on one or two critical aspects of the transition that may affect the life of the partner.

2. Unexpected and Confused

These partner-specific questions, exercises, and vignettes will focus on the possible initial fears, thoughts, worries, and concerns that partners may experience once they learn their partner will transition. The tools will be based on such topics as safety issues, the validity of the relationship, self-doubts, and the unknowns of the relationship now.

3. Who Are You?

This chapter will confront the challenges some partners experience when asked to address the transitioning person in a different way. These questions, exercises, tools, and vignettes will refer to the possible need to use a different pronoun or name, and are intended to help navigate when photos and memories of the past may no longer be celebrated or visible. This chapter will help partners learn how to incorporate the new pronoun and/or name in intimate moments, during arguments, and at social events.

4. Grief May Apply

This chapter will examine the reality that many partners express an experience of loss and find that a mourning period applies as they process the transition. This section will focus on the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance (Kübler-Ross & Kessler, 2005). Through reflective inquiry, partners will explore how this might pertain to their relationship during the transition. As grieving can be a non-linear process, so the path may be for the partner throughout the transition.

5. It Can Be a Foreign Language

This part of the workbook will tackle the often overwhelming world of new vocabulary. Partners will respond to questions and exercises that will assist them in unraveling various label options and their own comfort level of implementation. Exercises will be included to help partners understand appropriate ways and times to incorporate the nuances and culture of this new language.

6. Medical and Social Options: Sorting It Out!

This chapter explores some of the challenges of medical choices facing the partner with respect to the surgeries and hormones that the person in transition may need to access and the side effects that may occur as a result of these interventions. This chapter will offer the trans partner specific questions, exercises, tools, and vignettes to help them discover how to talk about these decisions as a couple and determine what areas of the medical and/or social transition, if any, they can comfortably participate in. For example, partners will need to determine to what extent they will be involved with the medical options, such as attending doctor appointments or assisting with post-surgical recovery.

7. Friends and Family: Will They Stay, or Will They Go?

This chapter will assist the partner in dealing with the possible reactions of friends and family members to the transition. Trying to understand what, when, why, and how to engage with others before or during the time when partners are themselves adjusting can be extremely overwhelming and isolating. In addition, specific tools will assist partners to gauge their comfort or ability to discuss the transition with children or young relatives. Lastly, partners will explore the possibility of joining new social circles or creating a family of choice.

8. Work: In or Out?

This chapter will explore the importance of when, why, or, indeed, if one will share the transition with employers, employees, clients, and/or co-workers. It will provide a reflective space to discover whether the partner will elect to work with human resources personnel at the workplace and to gain an understanding of what legal rights they have at work. Financial security and medical insurance policies at work can become compromised when partners or those transitioning out themselves.

9. Insurances, Gender Markers, and Documents… Oh My!

The partners will be alerted to options that some trans-identified people investigate with respect to legally changing their gender marker and/or legal name. Altering the transitioning person’s name and/or gender on birth certificates, passports, financial and/or health insurance policies, bank accounts, social security card, marriage certificates, college diplomas, and transcripts can be an exhausting job. These suggestions for the trans partner will offer a way to cope with the overwhelming reality of all these changes. Each jurisdiction and/or country have its own laws and policies; therefore, the partner’s understanding of how they may want to assist their trans-identified partner approach these time-consuming choices must be carefully thought through.

10. Privilege: Loss or Gain?

This chapter explores how one’s privilege is or has been affected through the intersections of patriarchy, misogyny, racism, homophobia, feminism, and male privilege. Will the partner feel a loss of equality, such as being overlooked when making a purchase as a couple? In contrast, will the partner experience positive gains such as an increase of physical safety due to the transition? Learning how to accept these potential changes can positively affect the partner’s self-worth and confidence on many levels.

11. Let’s Talk About Finding a Therapist

Many times, concerns can be alleviated if the partner connects with a knowledgeable and experienced therapist. For some, the search for an appropriate therapist can be time-consuming and/or critical. Through journaling their needs and the guided support provided by the tools offered in this workbook, partners can learn how to find the path that is best for them.

12. Partners in Sex

This chapter views the sexual intimacy of the relationship through the eyes of the partner. The partner will determine what is sexually acceptable for themselves throughout the transition. By journaling, the partner will identify what turns them on or off, measure the level of their attraction to the person transitioning, and learn how to communicate their personal preferences. With the use of questions and exercises, the partner will also be asked to investigate their own gender and sexual identities, as the transition progresses.

13. Celebrations Come in Different Sizes

This chapter assists partners in understanding whether they can move forward in the relationship. The answer to this inquiry can be fluid and vary from day to day, month to month, and year to year. Whether the partner remains in the relationship or not, the journey deserves to be acknowledged and celebrated by those who have experienced any portion of this transition as a couple.

14. Where Are You Now?

This chapter will reflect on the pulse of the partner’s journey by asking them to re-evaluate, honestly and continuously, their thoughts, feelings, concerns, worries, and confusions. The partner will be asked to focus on their future and examine how they have transitioned due to the other person’s transition. Additional questions, exercises, and vignettes will be included for both partners to communicate openly as a couple and live a life that embraces the transition as a journey!

15. You Are Not Alone (Resources)

The last chapter will offer articles, books, websites, support groups, and more that focus on the needs of the partner.

SET-UP

Each chapter will contain most, if not all, of these sections.

1. Affirmative Anecdotes

The poetic anecdotes were created for partners and appear throughout each chapter. They are meant to inspire, comfort, and empower you when you need them most. Their presence is intended to set the tone and intention before you begin the chapter. They are meant to embrace you in any way that soothes your heart. The affirmations may be used as a springboard for writing or as a conversation starter with someone else.

2. Vital Vignettes

These vital vignettes serve as an introduction to the questions. They represent parts of my own journey intertwined with the experiences of others. The vignettes are included to help you to gain some insight from the unknowns that I navigated as my partner’s transition unfolded. Providing these passages as a precursor to the questions is meant to offer reflective thoughts based on my own experience and of those who freely, but anonymously, shared their stories during the workshops that I have led and/or attended.

3. Graphics Galore

Most chapters in this book will contain graphic organizers, which can be used to assist you in visually expressing your thoughts without having to write them in a narrative format. In order to serve you best, they may be placed in a different order within each chapter. Every graphic organizer can be used for various purposes, but if you find one type works best for you, use it as often as you like. Remember, this entire workbook is for and about you and your process.

Bar Graph is an image that can be viewed to observe the ranking of data, which is translated into bar-like structures to display findings on a topic or question. Through the illustrations of the gathered information, the user can evaluate the comparison of the bars to reach their own conclusions in reference to a single topic or question. This graphic organizer encourages you to assess the importance or value of these topics, independently of the other topics, based on a personal rating system of 1–10. In contrast to the Pie Graph graphic organizer, though both organizers enable the user to view the topics in comparison with the others, the bars of the Bar Graph do not need to add up to 100 or 100%.

Box is a format for notes or can be used as a place to store information connected to one topic or subject, which compartmentalizes or assesses a situation. It is visually comprised of multiple boxes to create a framework.

Pie Graph is a visual representation of percentage showing the comparison of various categories based on a single subject, question, or circumstance in the shape of a pie. Some think of it as a pizza pie with each slice standing for a different component of the topic. The total composition of all the parts is summed to 100 or 100%. Each part or section is assigned a percentage based on its user’s point of view. The goal is to exhibit a quick way to prioritize or place a value on every critical factor that affects the outcome of the subject, question, or circumstance in relation to the other topics.

Splash should be imagined as if you took a liquid, such as water or paint, and splattered it on a blank canvas. It is intended to let your juices flow as you brainstorm with no judgment or organizational care. Respond to the statement or inquiry with a word or short phrase and quickly splatter your reply. By creatively splashing words and/or short phrases, attempt to express your responses randomly by scattering them on paper. When you have completed the graphic organizer, it should almost look as if you have created a canvas of words by squirting them on the page. It encourages you to elicit a reaction that is guttural and has a desire to be released on paper.

T-Chart can be used to show different perspectives in relation to the same topic or question. There are many versions of this graphic organizer that can host two, three, or more columns. The two-column graphic usually lists or states two aspects of a problem, unknown, or dilemma. A three-column T-Chart format can assist the user in making a decision by comparing and contrasting the positive, negative, and equal/neutral (+/–/=) options in response to an inquiry, conflict, or situation. Another variation is KWL, which houses what a person “Knows,” “Wants to know or learn,” and then does “Learn.”

Timeline is sequential and helps record the order or timing of a situation or event that has occurred. It assists in creating a tentative time frame to complete a future or current task that may be time sensitive with numerous factors or parts.

Venn Diagram is a comparison graphic organizer that aids in comparing and contrasting a situation or an inquiry. Once a question is posed, one side of the connecting circles is filled in with one point of view. Then the other side of the diagram is completed with the other response in relation to the same question, showing the reply to the inquiry from a different point of view. The last step is to notice if any of the replies from the two sides overlap. If any are the same or very similar, that response is removed from both sides and placed in the center interlocking portion of the graphic organizer. The outcome is visually seeing where the two responses are in agreement and where they differ.

Webs are often described as visually presenting a topic and its subtopics in the way that a spider’s web scatters branch-like patterns, which generate from a central source. Every part of the growing web is connected to an initial word or phrase. Once the beginning word or phrase is placed in the center position, the user’s associated words or phrases are placed in the outer connecting circles in response to the central statement. This pattern continues until the web is completed or the response to the question or statement is personally finished.

4. Reflective Responses

There are several ways you can partake in the questions posed in this workbook, but ultimately the hope is for you to use them in the manner that works best for your needs. Some individuals may only choose to write their responses to a select group of questions in each chapter, whereas others may reply to each and every question. You may even elect to repeat this process more than once throughout the transition process. Each chapter poses questions that are intended to help and assist you discover where you stand with regard to processing the transition and what is comfortable for you. Your responses may remain the same for a long period of time or they may evolve as you explore your options and have time to digest all that you are experiencing and feeling. Each and every path has its own value and purpose. I suggest that you are gentle with yourself as you journal and process all aspects of this part of the journey.

5. Deserving De-Stress Delights

Each chapter offers structured ways to release any stress from the transition and direct your energy towards de-stressing and rewarding yourself in a loving and tender manner. Intentionally allowing time to simply stop, breathe, and rest from journaling and processing is essential for your wellbeing. This section reminds you to carve out space to engage in activities that rejuvenate and honor you through self-care, which will help you feel pampered and nurtured.

6. Empathy-Embracing Exercise

This exercise is meant to help you gain an awareness of the importance of speaking your truth, regardless of the consequences. It is intended to aid in diminishing your own possible pain, confusion, or acceptance level, as your trans-identified partner transitions. Perhaps thinking of a private and difficult experience from your past or in the present will create a deeper understanding of the emotional journey your trans-identified partner may experience. Its presence in the workbook is purposed to evoke empathy for the journey your partner is on, by honoring your needs, and to better prepare you for the transition process.

7. Sampler Share

These samplers create a space where some partners shared their own response to questions posed in this workbook. All of the partners’ names have been changed to respect the privacy of both the trans partners and their transgender partners. The responses are included simply to open your mind to a variety of ways others have approached the writing based on their situation. Their replies are placed towards the end of the chapter, but please keep in mind that if these testimonials become intrusive or prevent your own process from evolving, feel free to refer to them at a later time or not at all. However, some partners have found the guidance of these “Sampler Shares” especially helpful when they had a block when journaling or were unsure that the question was one they wanted to answer. There are no absolutes when using this workbook, only offerings to help you gain a greater understanding of your own needs and wishes.

8. Couple Communication Corner

This exercise offers a list of questions trans partners will be given as a tool that supports communication with their trans-identified partner. You may even elect to create your own questions. It is suggested that you and/or your partner journal your individual responses prior to discussing it with each other as a tool to process your own thoughts. Partners are invited to initiate a discussion in relation to the transition, when they are comfortable, by sharing their thoughts and concerns with the person in transition through an open dialogue. The questions posed or produced by you for use in this section are intended to help start the conversation. Many couples find comfort in doing this exercise in a cozy corner of their home to engage in these private and personal talks.

QUESTION #1

Before you proceed to Chapter 2, I invite you to respond to the following question:

What do you hope or expect to learn or gain from reading and journaling in this workbook?

COPYRIGHT © D. M. MAYNARD – THE REFLECTIVE WORKBOOK FOR PARTNERS OF TRANSGENDER PEOPLE – 2019