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Chapter 3

WHO ARE YOU?

VITAL VIGNETTE

It may seem insignificant to some, but a person’s name is extremely intertwined with their identity. Perhaps this is why a large majority of transgender persons change or adjust the name they were assigned at birth. Each individual has their personal reasons and usually selects the name change, when desired, with extreme care. This name change is not necessarily done as part of a team, and many times the non-transitioning partner can be unaware that the name will or has evolved. The surprise and unexpectedness of the name change can be deeply saddening and very confusing for the partner. As with the rest of the process, whenever possible, this too could be something that the transitioning partner may consider including the partner in. Even when the partner is included, much needs to be ironed out involving the name change, especially the specifics of timing in relation to who is told, when, and how. To add further adjustments, the partner may be faced with the reality that the transgender partner desires to be addressed by a pronoun never used before. Again, to some this may seem like an extremely reasonable request, but to the partner this desire may be overwhelming, confusing, and destabilizing. It may be understandable that the person transitioning wants their pronoun to match their affirmed gender; however, the acceptance and learning curve for this may be quite difficult for partners and could take a while to grasp. Even the most embracing partner may require time to adjust to the request of referring to the trans-identified partner using the new personal pronoun and/or a new name.

AFFIRMATIVE ANECDOTE

He, she,

They, sie,

Ze, ve,

What about

Me?

Many family members, friends, and employers may also require a period of time to adjust to using the name and pronoun changes that the transitioning partner desires. Some people will even consciously or unconsciously rebel against the name or pronoun changes. Any errors, whether intentional or accidental, can cause much public embarrassment and confusion to everyone involved. This adjustment is something that partners and/or others may need to figure out for themselves, and if time is necessary to process these changes, it must be granted. Although the person transitioning is usually and understandably elated about the name or pronoun change, there can be some sense of loss felt by the partner, family members, or friends. This grief needs to be acknowledged and spoken about, for it should not be overlooked. For some, it is an erasing of something that has been a major part of the transitioning person’s history, and although that reality may not be extremely painful for those in transition, there can simultaneously be a strong feeling of mourning for others. Both sides have a right to be recognized, without judgment or criticism of any party involved.

In addition to no longer using the transitioning person’s name or pronoun, partners are often asked to remove any photos and/or memorabilia connected to the life the transitioning person lived prior to the transition. These requests, though critical to those in transition, can cause major sadness, loss, anger, and resentment for the partners who treasure the past history and memories of their life together.

Where is the space, time, and place for the partner who is in desperate need for catch-up time? The pain the partner and others can experience is real and it must be discussed, valued, honored, and respected. The focus of this chapter creates that space and place for partners to process and acknowledge this possible loss and pain through writing and sharing their feelings, thoughts, and, for some, real grief.

Negotiating when, with whom, and under what circumstances the past history can be discussed is both extremely time-consuming and exhausting. These very sensitive conversations may require an enormous amount of patience and compromise throughout the entire transition. These dialogues may even continue long after the transition is no longer a major focus of the relationship. Unanticipated circumstances involving reunions with old acquaintances or relatives may require a rehashing of history or past memories, which may once again require an explanation of the changing of pronouns or name. The loss can be relived during very subtle or matter-of-fact tasks such as seeing the old name when opening daily mail, sorting through legal documents, looking through photo albums, or simply viewing the name on your door or buzzer to your apartment. It is recommended that each one of these possible scenarios be addressed and thought through as much as possible. If the partner is requested to use new pronouns and a new name or to eliminate artifacts that make the transgender person feel very uncomfortable, it must be understood that it can all feel too much at first. To have these changes become automatic for the partner, time and communication can be the best healers and the kindest methods for the desired outcome sought by the person in transition. Above all else, having patience and understanding can be key for this part of the transition process!

GRAPHICS GALORE

Splash

What are the pronouns or possible names your partner is considering using now that they are contemplating or are transitioning? By creatively splashing words and/or short phrases, quickly attempt to express your answers randomly with as many responses as possible scattered on the paper.

GRAPHICS GALORE

Venn Diagram

What artifacts are displayed in your living environment that may need to be taken out of view in order to move forward with the transition?

REFLECTIVE RESPONSES

1. What is your partner’s preferred identity now? (Name, pronoun, and gender.)

2. Will you play a role when your trans-identified partner selects their name and/or pronoun?

3. How will you prefer to be introduced individually and as a couple? When will this begin?

4. Will there be different criteria for different people, for each one of you?

5. What names and pronouns will be used for each of you during intimate moments?

6. Did any person’s reaction to the transition in relation to pronoun use or name change surprise you? If yes, who and how did they surprise you?

AFFIRMATIVE ANECDOTE

Why are you smiling?

My life is erupting.

How can you be happy?

Our life is being erased.

7. As you look around your home, what are you willing to remove?

8. Which of these removals or decisions will be made by you, your partner, and together?

9. What will be the time frame for each one of these decisions/removals?

10. How will you refer to, state, or use the new name, pronoun, or gender when you discuss memories and/or the past with each other or other people?

GRAPHICS GALORE

Web

What artifact does your trans-identified partner want removed that you do not want taken down or put out of view?

GRAPHICS GALORE

T-Chart

What do you view as positives, negatives, or neutral about your partner changing the name and/or pronoun they were assigned at birth?

+ (Positives)	– (Negatives)	= (Neutral)

DESERVING DE-STRESS DELIGHTS

Creating

When things around me were feeling as if they were falling apart, I built or made something that gave me a sense of strength and purpose. Nothing I created was earth-shattering, but each endeavor helped remind me that I had value and importance. Since I love craft activities, I created collages of words and pictures to express how I was feeling, knitted or crocheted scarves and hats, embroidered or needlepointed images, and even painted, simply to express myself. Others have shared that they took photographs of anything that appealed to them or scrapbooked old photos as a tool to cope with their grief and as a way to record their past. Some partners physically built pieces of furniture, made a dog/bird house, or designed shelving for their home. One person planted a garden of their favorite vegetables and flowers. Find whatever it is that feels creative to you and provides an outlet that validates your worthiness. Creating is something I would encourage as a means of honoring your talents and increasing self-esteem.

AFFIRMATIVE ANECDOTE

Picking a pronoun,

Choosing a name,

Redesigning our home,

No one is to blame!

Journal your reaction to this Deserving De-Stress Delight.

GRAPHICS GALORE

Timeline

When and with whom will you or your partner begin using their new pronoun/name?

GRAPHICS GALORE

Box

List all of the artifacts requested to be removed from view and check off if and when each one is taken away or down. Just because an artifact is listed, it does not mean it must be removed. This is simply a place to record those artifacts in question and their location.

1	2	3
4	5	6
7	8	9
10	11	12
13	14	15
16	17	18

EMPATHY-EMBRACING EXERCISE

Part of a partner’s journey may involve adjusting to using a new name or pronoun. This exercise question shows a partner that this is part of what many people have done in other instances. The greatest learning tools for grasping the change in name and pronoun are patience with yourself, willingness, time, and much practice.

AFFIRMATIVE ANECDOTE

Calling on

Crystal balls,

Fortune tellers,

Soothsayers,

Can our history

Be part of our

Future?

Do you know anyone from your past who has asked you to call them by a different name, pronoun, or honorific, perhaps due to marriage or for other reasons? How long did it take you to adjust to this new name, pronoun, or honorific, and how did you learn to adjust to the change?

GRAPHICS GALORE

Bar Graph

To what degree does/did it feel sad or upsetting to you to remove artifacts, photographs, or to use the name/pronoun requested by your partner? Based on a scale from 1 to 10, with 1 being the lowest and 10 being the highest, color or shade in your response. This visual will help you see where your greatest concerns lie and can help you to communicate this to your trans-identified partner, therapist, spiritual mentor, or for your own personal understanding. The bar graph results may vary as the transition progresses and your thoughts may shift.

Use these ideas to fill in the bar graph or feel free to create your own!

A. The changing of trans-identified partner’s pre-transition name/pronoun assigned at birth.

B. People misgendering your trans-identified partner.

C. Removal of trans-identified partner’s pre-transition photos.

D. Removal of the couple’s pre-transition photos.

E. Removal of trans-identified partner’s pre-transition photos with family.

F. Removal of trans-identified partner’s pre-transition photos with friends.

G. Removal of trans-identified partner’s special events pre-transition photos.

H. Not saying name/pronoun assigned at birth in public.

I. Not saying name/pronoun assigned at birth during sex/intimacy.

J. Not posting documents, awards, or licenses that contain the written name/pronoun assigned at birth anywhere.

GRAPHICS GALORE

Pie Graph

To what degree does/did it feel sad or upsetting to you to remove artifacts, photographs, or to use the name/pronoun requested by your partner? Decide how important these statements are to you in relation to each other. Place the number that corresponds with a suggested topic within as many slices of the pie that conveys how each one matters to you. Only one number should be placed in each slice. You do not need to use all the topics but do fill in all the slices. Feel free to create your own topics and assign them their own number.

1. The changing of trans-identified partner’s pre-transition name/pronoun assigned at birth.

2. People misgendering your trans-identified partner.

3. Removal of trans-identified partner’s pre-transition photos.

4. Removal of the couple’s pre-transition photos.

5. Removal of trans-identified partner’s pre-transition photos with family

6. Removal of trans-identified partner’s pre-transition photos with friends.

7. Removal of trans-identified partner’s special events pre-transition photos.

8. Not saying name/pronoun assigned at birth in public.

9. Not saying name/pronoun assigned at birth during sex/intimacy.

10. Not posting documents, awards, or licenses that contain the written name/pronoun assigned at birth anywhere.

SAMPLER SHARE

Did any person’s reaction to the transition in relation to pronoun use or name change surprise you? If yes, who? Explain how they surprised you.

AFFIRMATIVE ANECDOTE

How can we

Remain a couple

When you are not

Remaining?

I met my boyfriend’s parents for the first time about seven months into dating. I was genuinely shocked that after coming out to them over ten years ago, his mother was still misgendering him. Continually. She even used his birth name a few times, despite him having legally changed his name. I was caught off-guard. I froze. I looked to my boyfriend for a sympathetic eye-roll or some sign of him being shocked and appalled as well. Nothing. He seemed completely unfazed. I was uncomfortably preoccupied. Would she think I was crazy for using male pronouns? Would she dislike me? It made me feel like I was doing something wrong. I feared and avoided pronouns for our entire first night out: Through drinks. Through dinner. Through a comedy show and through a train ride home. I just smiled politely and pretended nothing was going on. I asked my boyfriend about it after dropping them off at the hotel. He dejectedly told me that they had “backslid a little.” It felt like a lot to me! It made me sad that he didn’t correct them. Why wouldn’t he stand up for himself? Could I stand up for him? He has said he doesn’t want me correcting strangers, so I knew I definitely shouldn’t correct his parents.

Our relationship was becoming serious and it felt pretty important that these people liked me. Fighting back the fact that blood rushes to my ears and I lose hearing for a second when he is addressed with female pronouns made it difficult to even keep up with conversation. It was exhausting. The rest of the trip I bucked up and used his correct pronouns. Continually! It was easier the more I did it. Turns out they were willing to ignore my pronouns and I was willing to ignore theirs. Not the most socially aware unspoken agreement I’ve ever been part of, but we really got along splendidly for the rest of the visit. Me with my pronouns and them with theirs.

I’m still with my boyfriend and I will definitely be seeing his parents again. In general, they are ridiculously kind, generous people that I enjoyed spending time with and even look forward to spending time with in the future. I will just know to give myself a little pronoun pep-talk before their next visit. If my boyfriend can handle the feelings that bubble up every time his family misgenders him, then so can I.

(Shared by Lucy)

COUPLE COMMUNICATION CORNER

When partners or couples speak spontaneously out of anger or fear about the unknown, without thinking it through, they can sometimes regret the way they phrased it. Rehearsing what and how partners may want to ask or discuss with their trans-identified partner, and/or others, can help partners and couples before they actually communicate their thoughts. This gives the non-transitioning partner a moment to reflect and pause before they converse about emotional topics. Partners may choose to practice asking these questions with a trusted friend, family member, spiritual mentor, or therapist first.

Explain your thoughts and feelings about these questions to each other. Do you and your trans-identified partner answer these questions in the same way or differently? Discuss your responses to understand how you view them and make time to celebrate all you learn from being willing to communicate with each other.

1. When do you prefer a particular artifact and/or photo be removed and why?
The partner’s thoughts:	The trans persons’s thoughts:

2. Why are you requesting for a particular artifact and/or photo not to be removed?
The partner’s thoughts:	The trans persons’s thoughts:

3. Where will you store your artificats and/or photos that are removed?
The partner’s thoughts:	The trans persons’s thoughts:

4. Which artifacts and/or photos, if any, will be thrown away or gotten rid of some way?
The partner’s thoughts:	The trans persons’s thoughts:

5. Will certain artifacts and/or photos that are removed, be replaced?
The partner’s thoughts:	The trans persons’s thoughts:

6. How will the artifacts and/or photos that are removed be replaced?
The partner’s thoughts:	The trans persons’s thoughts:

AFFIRMATIVE ANECDOTE

Loss of

Pronouns,

Names,

Pictures,

Memories.

Loss of…

7. How would you like to handle misgendered moments?
The partner’s thoughts:	The trans persons’s thoughts:

8. What full name or names would you like to be addressed with now?
The partner’s thoughts:	The trans persons’s thoughts:

9. How will you decide how you will explain the changing of pronoun/name to others?
The partner’s thoughts:	The trans persons’s thoughts:

10. What will you say when the changing of pronoun/name will be explained to others?
The partner’s thoughts:	The trans persons’s thoughts:

The Reflective Workbook for Partners of Transgender People

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