Читать книгу The Reflective Workbook for Partners of Transgender People - D. M. Maynard - Страница 5

Оглавление

Chapter 2

UNEXPECTED

AND CONFUSED

VITAL VIGNETTE

For some partners, finding out that your partner is now trans-identified can be a time celebrated with prideful excitement and a welcome relief. The news can create a special closeness in the relationship and an opportunity to embrace all that is to come in the future. For others, however, being told that your significant other is transgender, especially when you were unaware of this fact and never expected this possibility, can be initially confusing, induce worry, trigger concerns, and prompt an array of fears. Sometimes, a partner can experience a combination of all of these emotions. It is critical that you do not judge your response to the information you have been told, but rather honor all of the thoughts that are in your mind and heart. Every partner brings their own history to this disclosure and can react and internalize this knowledge in a way that is unique to their own circumstance. There is space enough for everyone’s journey and for every emotion that arises! Some partners need time to process this news in solitude, while others may have a desire to research and gather as much information as possible. Some may want to discuss all the details with the partner who now identifies as transgender, whereas others may find it more suitable to process this new reality with a close friend, family member, spiritual mentor, or therapist. Each preference must be honored and respected. The challenge in this situation is deciding which choice works best for you and when. Although controversial, your need to process this news may not be aligned with the wishes of the person who is transgender. As a result, this can cause a great deal of conflict within the relationship. Each person’s needs must be considered, communicated, and valued. Sometimes outside professionals can play a critical role in the next steps to assist each person to find their own voice. Ideally, those involved in the transition will be in sync and have enough clarity to reach a consensus that is acceptable to both of them.

AFFIRMATIVE ANECDOTE

I don’t understand,

How did I

Not know?

However, the reality is that, in some cases, the process can be extremely painful for both or one person in the relationship. If this happens, and it sometimes does, the partner may need to make a decision as to whether they will choose to honor their own needs above those of their partner in transition, or whether they are able to place the trans-identified person’s needs and wants above their own. It can be a time of great struggle for some and a very natural flow for others. For some partners, this exploration will be an easy passage, obvious and painless; for others, it may be an overwhelming journey, filled with much internal conflict. Knowing and accepting that you have the right to travel the path that brings you the most comfort and peace will ease the pressure and will allow you to understand what is best for you, while searching for your own voice and needs in the relationship.

For those partners who clearly identify themselves as being at ease with learning that their significant other is transitioning, you may find it more helpful to jump around and not answer or complete every option offered in this workbook. You may be able to process the transition in a way that is not confusing, concerning, worrisome, or scary. Perhaps your mindset is due to the geographic area you live in, the history you have experienced within the LGBTQQIA+ community, or the time period in which you have grown up. Maybe your experiences have made the transitioning process of your partner’s transgender awareness one that is not filled with questions or opposition. If this is the case, simply use this journal as a tool to assist you in housing your written thoughts and respond to whichever questions and exercises that best serve your needs.

For the portion of those partners who identify themselves as possibly overwhelmed, concerned, fearful, and/or worried with learning of the transition, this workbook can be a major form of support at a time when you can no longer recognize yourself and/or your relationship, your own needs, and what your next steps may be in the near future. Discovering anything unexpected can be difficult to grasp, especially when you have been in a relationship or an environment where the word “transgender” was not a part of your vocabulary. Trying to sort out all the unknowns and hundreds of questions that may be racing in your mind can baffle and numb the thought processes of even the most articulate and verbal individual within a very short span of time. Challenging as life may be, once you are told this information, it can be extremely empowering and helpful to write down everything that is happening. Simply documenting the when, how, and what of a situation enables you to process all you are experiencing and feeling. Later, when you are able to think more clearly and express your feelings in words, having a detailed diary of your thoughts, fears, or questions may foster the clarity, that in time, will return once again. The guttural racing of thoughts can be never ending. Documenting when and how you found out your partner is transgender or may be considering transitioning helps to recall the words and thoughts that were going through your mind as you received the information.

Journaling the specifics of it all can even help with clarity when you may choose to relay your process to a therapist or confidant in the future. Some people are unsure of how they feel when learning their significant other is transitioning. My recommendation is to answer what you can, but to pace yourself. It is not a test and there is no right or wrong answer. Feel free to peruse other sections or chapters in this workbook at any time.

You are in charge of how to navigate this journey of exploration in the hope of discovering how to fulfill your needs. Those needs and wants are an entire layer in and of themselves. In truth, as you may be figuring this all out, your previous life commitments and the transition are occurring simultaneously. This fact may compound the reality of your daily life. Carve out time and a place to journal about your uncertainties, fears, worries, and concerns in a safe space. The tools are for all those who have learned their significant other is now questioning their gender or identifying as transgender. Some questions may hold more significance or feel more relevant than others. Make this work for you and create your own course of understanding yourself. All the questions, exercises, and additional tools were included in this workbook for you!

GRAPHICS GALORE

Splash

Can you free-flowingly jot down all the emotions you feel or felt when you learned about the transition? By creatively splashing words and/or short phrases, quickly attempt to express your answers randomly with as many responses as possible scattered on the paper. (Examples: angry, very content, scared.)

GRAPHICS GALORE

Web

Although the transition may be unexpected and confusing, now that you know, this is a space for you to share the range of emotions you are experiencing. Exploring positive and exciting thoughts, as well as those that are baffling, can be extremely cathartic. Select one concerning thought or celebratory feeling and write it down in the center of the web. Then branch out and write other specific detail subtopics in the outer circles. This graphic exercise can help you organize and understand the topic in depth with fewer words, yet still enable you to express yourself.

REFLECTIVE RESPONSES

1. How and when did you find out your partner was thinking about transitioning or has decided to transition?

2. What do you think it meant when your partner told you they need to transition?

3. How do you feel about the possibility or reality of your partner transitioning?

4. Now that you think about it, can you recall any situation, event, activity, or moment that might have indicated to you that your partner was considering transitioning?

5. Do you believe your life will remain the same or be different after the transition?

6. Now that you know, are there any fears, worries, and concerns going through your mind about the transition?

AFFIRMATIVE ANECDOTE

Being scared

Is not knowing

The answers

To all of my questions.

7. Do you fear you will not be allowed around children now that your partner is trans-identified?

8. Do you fear that you or your partner could be fired if it became known that your partner is transgender?

9. How will you cope or adjust if family or friends reject either one of you?

10. Is there an appropriate way to ask your partner if it is necessary for them to transition now, or if it is possible for them never to transition?

11. What thoughts, feelings, fears, concerns, or worries can you share with your partner?

12. What thoughts, feelings, fears, concerns, or worries can you share with others?

13. What thoughts, feelings, fears, concerns, or worries can you not share with your partner?

14. What thoughts, feelings, fears, concerns, or worries can you not share with others?

15. What can or should you do if you resent your partner about the transition?

16. How can you help and show support for your trans-identified partner?

17. What safety issues do you envision for your trans-identified partner and yourself before, during, and after the transition?

18. Is there a way you can ensure both of you are safe at your home, work, on the street, and especially in public bathrooms throughout the transition?

19. How do you feel about your partner dressing in their gender-affirming clothing?

20. How do you think the transition will affect or change your relationship with each other?

21. How do you think the transition will affect or change your relationship with others?

22. How do you think your partner thinks the transition will affect your relationship?

23. What are your choices, options, and desires for remaining in this relationship throughout the transition process?

24. What are your choices, options, and desires for leaving this relationship throughout the transition process?

25. How much are you willing to, wanting to, or able to be a part of this transition?

26. Do you think you will still be a couple during and after the transition?

27. Do you think people will be able to tell that your partner is transgender?

28. Do you think the focus will ever not be on the transition?

29. Do you believe your trans-identified partner will still use the same name and/or pronoun they were assigned at birth?

30. Do you think there are other people going through this type of transition? If so, will you try to find them? How?

GRAPHICS GALORE

Venn Diagram

What are the five greatest concerns, fears, or worries for each of you in regard to your relationship now that the transition is part of your future? It is helpful to explore whether you both share any of the same concerns, fears, and worries in order to address them. It is equally important to understand which concerns the other needs to discuss or is thinking about at this present time.

GRAPHICS GALORE

T-Chart

Write down what you now know about the transitioning process, then list what you want to know about the transition process. Continue filling in the chart as you learn the answers to the wants in relation to the transition process.

Know	Want	Learn

DESERVING DE-STRESS DELIGHTS

Meditation

Relaxing your mind and body at a time of stress can be very helpful in providing clarity and calmness. I found meditation in any form to be extremely comforting and it helped me to quiet many of my worries and fears in relation to the transition. These are ways others and I meditated, which helped us find solace and tranquility. As unusual as this may seem, some days I went for a walk in an active or loud area for a period of time. I found the sensory sights and sounds around me blocked out all the noise in my head, and I could just be an observer of my environment. Horns beeping, doors slamming, and people talking became music to my ears and surprisingly soothed me. In contrast, other days I needed the beauty and solitude of the beach. I would hear the ocean and look at the sunset, feeling at peace as I sorted things out. Sometimes I needed to cry alone. I did not even realize how cathartic it was to listen to the water and appreciate nature. For some people, hiking and walking in the woods or taking a stroll on the first snow day brought them much tranquility. Still others have shared that they found peace attending support groups, religious services, or speaking with a spiritual mentor quite comforting. If I wanted a more structured approach to practice stillness, I attended a meditation class.

AFFIRMATIVE ANECDOTE

What scares me most?

What worries me most?

How can I take care of me?

How can I take care of we?

Listening to a guided audiotape of peaceful music or participating in a gentle yoga class were also relaxing. These experiences enabled me to be passive as I received the directed suggestions. It was soothing to close my eyes and embrace the gentleness of the harmonious sounds. If walking or being guided by an outside entity did not seem to be what I needed, I sought out an activity that was both repetitive and mindless, such as doing a jigsaw puzzle, a word search, or simply coloring or sketching. Most de-stressing for me was a mini-nap. I would set an alarm for 5–10 minutes and close my eyes as I sat in a chair or lay on a bed. Often, I repeated a mantra or imagined myself in a specific place that I loved and just let myself breathe. When the time was up, I felt renewed and ready to face the world of the unfamiliar!

Journal your reaction to this Deserving De-Stress Delight.

GRAPHICS GALORE

Timeline

I wish I had kept a log of all the critical happenings that occurred throughout the transition process, but I did not. This tool can help you keep a record of these moments as time goes by.

Complete the timeline as you find out different, relevant pieces of information about the transition. You may need or choose to use this information to discuss these events with a therapist, for medical needs, or for your own point of reference. Examples to record: when you may have realized that transitioning was possibly necessary; when you might have been told of the need for social or medical changes; when your partner began using a different bathroom; when your partner began to wear clothing of their affirmed gender; when you chose to discuss the transition with a specific person.

GRAPHICS GALORE

Box

The uncertainties of what it means to be in a transgender relationship can be abundant and endless for some partners, especially when it is all so new. List any uncertainties that are overwhelming your mind. Writing them down can help release some anxiety and gain some power over your life. Some partners may choose to share these thoughts with their trans-identified partner or someone else. That choice is yours! (You may prefer to focus more on celebratory thoughts and/or feelings.)

1	2	3	4	5
6	7	8	9	10
11	12	13	14	15
16	17	18	19	20
21	22	23	24	25
26	27	28	29	30

EMPATHY-EMBRACING EXERCISE

Realizing that every experience you have in life has the potential to prepare you for the next challenge or venture that presents itself to you is empowering. Knowing you have survived and made it through a difficult or overwhelming situation fosters positive hope.

Have you experienced anything else in your life, other than the transition, that has been unexpected and confusing in any way? If so, what has it been and how did you cope, address, or handle this information?

AFFIRMATIVE ANECDOTE

We may not

Know why,

But we know

Change is

Going to happen!

GRAPHICS GALORE

Bar Graph

To what degree do these concerns and related topics matter to you? Based on a scale from 1 to 10, with 1 being the lowest and 10 being the highest, color or shade in your response. This visual will help you see where your greatest concerns lie and can help you to communicate this to your trans-identified partner, therapist, spiritual mentor, or for your own personal understanding. The bar graph results may vary as the transition progresses and your thoughts may shift.

Use these ideas to fill in the bar graph or feel free to create your own!

A. Your attraction to your partner.

B. Your partner’s attraction to you.

C. Your sex life.

D. Your own finances or employment.

E. Your partner’s finances or employment.

F. Your relationship with each other.

G. Your relationship with family/children.

H. Your relationship with friends.

I. Your trans-identified partner’s social/medical changes.

J. Your partner’s safety and yours.

GRAPHICS GALORE

Pie Graph

To what degree do these concerns and related topics matter to you? Decide how important are these topics to you in relation to each other? Place the number that corresponds with a suggested topic within as many slices of the pie that conveys how each one matters to you. Only one number should be placed in each slice. You do not need to use all the topics but do fill in all the slices. Feel free to create your own topics and assign them their own number.

1. Your attraction to your partner.

2. Your partner’s attraction to you.

3. Your sex life.

4. Your own finances or employment.

5. Your partner’s finances or employment.

6. Your relationship with each other.

7. Your relationship with family/children.

8. Your relationship with friends.

9. Your trans-identified partner’s social/medical changes.

10. Your partner’s safety and yours.

SAMPLER SHARE

Now that I know, are there any fears, worries, and concerns going through my mind about the transition?

Transition is the Leviathan of emotional roller coasters. I now know how deeply I love my wife and how committed we are to continuing to live our lives together. But we are still a long way from riding off into the sunset. I fear what is yet to come on a journey that is still at least another 3–4 years from completion. There is no rulebook. Everyone has their own unique experiences. I worry that she will become so dysphoric as we head back into a holding pattern for the next 25 years that her despondency will overwhelm her and pull her farther away from me. I am concerned that our chosen timeline is unrealistic and unattainable. I fear that we will not make it through this together. We are really going through three transitions: hers, ours, and mine. They intersect and have some commonality but are unique and different from each other. I worry that we don’t know how to allow each of these transitions to happen organically.

AFFIRMATIVE ANECDOTE

Ask questions,

Get answers,

Keep asking

1. Do you think you will still be attracted to your trans-identified partner during and after the transition?
The partner’s thoughts:	The trans persons’s thoughts:

2. Do you think your trans-identified partner will still be attracted to you during and after the transition?
The partner’s thoughts:	The trans persons’s thoughts:

3. How do you think the transition will affect your sex life?
The partner’s thoughts:	The trans persons’s thoughts:

4. How do you think the transition will affect your finances or employment?
The partner’s thoughts:	The trans persons’s thoughts:

5. How do you think the transition will affect your partner’s finances or employment?
The partner’s thoughts:	The trans persons’s thoughts:

6. How do you think the transition will affect your relationship with each other?
The partner’s thoughts:	The trans persons’s thoughts:

7. How do you think the transition will affect your relationship with your family/children?
The partner’s thoughts:	The trans persons’s thoughts:

8. How do you think the transition will affect your relationship with your friends?
The partner’s thoughts:	The trans persons’s thoughts:

9. What social or medical changes do you think your trans-identified partner will need to undertake to feel whole?
The partner’s thoughts:	The trans persons’s thoughts:

10. Do you think your trans-identified partner will be safe in public throughout and after the transition?
The partner’s thoughts:	The trans persons’s thoughts: