Читать книгу Sex Tips for Straight Women From a Gay Man - Dan Anderson - Страница 5

SETTING THE STAGE

Just like in the theater, any production will be even more spectacular when the right stage set and props are in place. Assuming that you control your own space, it’s important to think about the things that will enhance and support your performance as you bask in the spotlight of center stage. One must not overlook the proper bedroom accessories, because being well prepared will make your performance seem absolutely effortless. Just think of this as setting the stage for a brilliant seduction, or having the right utensils and ingredients to prepare a great meal.

You might think that men don’t care about where they’re doing it as long as they’re doing it, but they do care when something becomes a pain, or stands in the way of their own good time. Everyone has heard those anecdotes of passion where bed frames collapse from high-impact gymnastics, or about the guy who kept whacking his head into the wall, or worse, when strewn sheets caught fire after landing on the bedside candle. One couple we know, with a particularly zesty sex life and a fancy antique bed, used to bounce around so much that the mattress would fall through the slats almost every night. The brilliant solution was to design special steel girders that attached to the bed frame, leaving both their sex life and the design of their family heirloom intact. These stories may seem hilarious at office coffee talk the morning after, but they certainly have a way of putting a damper on an award-winning performance. Remember, these tips are meant to help you shine as the star and not as the opening comedy act.

BEST BETS ON BEDS

First and foremost is the bed. An ideal sex bed would have no headboard or footboard, so that man-size arms, legs and heads can extend or hang over the sides if need be. A few of you naughty readers might be wondering where one might attach handcuffs if there’s no headboard. But surprise, this is not a big gay activity, at least not in our circles. We figure that if you’re into such hardware, you’re already a steady customer at Home Depot and know how to buy and install eye hooks. Besides, gay men would prefer cashmere mufflers wrapped around the foot of the bed any day. Having easy access to the bed from any angle is definitely something to keep in mind.

Our friend Eduardo, an interior designer with a penchant for beefy guys, insists that his big old bed be positioned in the middle of the room on a low platform—sort of like stepping up to a shrine. And we’ve heard that sex with him is nothing less than a religious experience. If you’ve got the room, this placement is ideal, and one doesn’t have to consult a feng shui expert to find out which axis has the best sex karma. If space dictates that one side of the bed be up against the wall, make sure it’s where your head is. No one wants to be side-trapped by Sheetrock because those wild, abandoned movements are physically restricted.

The question of bed height presents some interesting options. Forget the mattress on the floor except for impromptu encounters. A high bed is not only dramatic but allows for a variety of exciting positions. One person can stand on the floor with the right parts aligned to the right height for certain activities. If the guy stands, you can be on your back and wrap your legs around his waist or put your heels on his shoulders. You can also bend your legs and he can hold your feet in his hands. Or. you both stand, with you bending forward at the waist, so that the top of your body rests on the bed while he nuzzles in behind you. Another variation, with you lying on your back, is to lean your head over the edge while you lick his testicles, inner thighs, or that sensitive place between his balls and his bottom. Obviously, this works for you, too, if the positions are reversed.

Lower beds are good for other activities. Either of you can sit or kneel next to the bed while the other person positions their private parts near the edge. Legs can hang over the sides or be supported by the floor. This relatively comfortable position is excellent for performing some extended oral or oral/manual combo action on your partner. You might want to consider buying a bedside rug with a foam underpad to cushion your knees.

Any ordinary mattress will work just fine. We all know that what matters is size and location, location, location. Maggie once turned down a nifty apartment after she tested the sleeping loft. Knowing what she knew from Danny, she scurried up the ladder and tried several positions to check out the distance between the bed and the ceiling. If she couldn’t sit up straight, neither could any guy who was more than five feet tall.

There are some folks who swear by water beds, so if your ultimate fantasy is rocking with the waves, have a great time. Gay guys know that the problem with water beds is that they have to sit inside a rigid frame, which can be rough and tough on skin. Worse, the frame is a real pain if it’s under your jaw or if he’s banging his shins against it. We do not advise it. Ditto for thin futons, which can be torture on the knees. More important is that you make sure all the screws on your bed frame are nice and tight so you don’t conduct a squeaky symphony that may lead to an eviction notice. The last word on beds is that gay men wouldn’t even consider anything less than queen size.

PILLOW TALK

Bed linens are a matter of taste, as long as you don’t have to waste time throwing off dozens of toss pillows and, if you must, cutesy stuffed animals. One of our gay friends told us a story from a time, long ago, when he was dating a girl. He thought he had pulled off a suave seduction when he cleared the bed by throwing her stuffed animals onto the floor. Her passion quickly turned from ardor to anger, and he was given his walking papers. To this day, he still can’t believe she put her Gunds before his goods. Steer clear of scratchy bedspreads. Lose the cords to the electric blanket.

Some women inadvertently make their partners feel really weird about the inevitable wet spot. Remember, guys consider their own ejaculations as evidence of their achievement, so one shouldn’t run off to bury a “trophy” under a towel. By the same token, seeing the spot left by the last guy can be a real turn-off. Gay men know that would be impolite. Good cotton sheets will allow the moisture to soak through to the mattress pad. This is a lot better than having to dry out the mattress after each encounter. And it goes without saying, clean sheets are a must!

Everyone knows that one or two strategically placed pillows can make things better and deeper. Some guys at a health spa turned us on to pillows filled with buckwheat hulls. These are great because they give firm support under your neck, tummy or bottom, but they are also pliable. Try putting them in the freezer for half an hour for a new and interesting sensation. We’ve found them at upscale spas such as Ten Thousand Waves in Santa Fe. In a pinch, a slightly squishier version, with the brand name of Bucky, is available at most travel stores.

PREFERRED PROPS

The next item of business is about what’s next to your bed. A nightstand or small table with a drawer is ideal. Whatever it is, it has to hold an assortment of accessories that will enhance and facilitate your performance. Right on top is a pump bottle of lotion, but remember this is for hand jobs and massages only (see chapter 5). Any special lubricants, such as Aqua-lube or Wet, should be stowed discreetly in the drawer. Also in the drawer are your condoms (see chapter 8) so that they’re within easy reach. If you don’t have a drawer, then make sure you find some sort of small hinged container, even if it’s a cigar box, with a top that flips up easily. Who wants to fumble around in the heat of passion? That’s for amateurs.

Your drawer may also contain one or more toys (see chapter 11) and a clean washcloth or face towel. Women often have a box of tissues by their beds, which they might think is a perfectly fine way to sop up semen. Save the tissues for blowing your nose. Semen is sticky and, let’s face it, a guy feels pretty ridiculous having tissues stuck to his penis after sex. What’s more, it’s nearly impossible to remove tissue bits after they dry. If you insist on the tissues, get Puffs Plus with Aloe because they’re not as abrasive. Good gay etiquette, however, insists on the washcloth or face towel. A soft terry cloth is a lot nicer on sensitive skin. It won’t stick, and you can toss it back into the drawer after you’re done. Just remember to wash it the next day.

Before the action starts, bring along a glass of ice water and place it on the nightstand. Certainly you can sip the water periodically to wet your whistle during oral interludes, but there are other advantages as well. Having a few ice cubes within reach comes in handy for sensuous foreplay on neck, mouth and nipples. If you’re feeling adventurous, there are guys who swear that a small ice cube in their bottom is a fabulous novelty when inserted just before orgasm. A word of caution: Make sure the ice has melted down to a reasonably small size, because crisp edges on the cube are definitely a no-no.

Light switches should, obviously, be accessible to accommodate different tastes and moods. The romance of candles is marvelous, with good lighting to boot. But if something catches fire it can be a real downer, so use candles in glass holders. Gay guys have a penchant for Rigaud.

Finally, unless you’re planning on inviting over a bunch of guys to watch the Super Bowl, we highly recommend that your VCR and TV be visible from the bed. Not only is luring him onto the bed to watch Friends a good way to make it happen, but who knows what might be in store if you just happen to have a naughty little video set up in the VCR beforehand (see chapter 11)? It goes without saying that a remote control is an absolute necessity.