Читать книгу Sex Tips for Straight Women From a Gay Man - Dan Anderson - Страница 6

Since you and Mr. Stiffy are going to become very close friends, we thought you’d want to know a bit about his background: where he comes from, his likes and dislikes, his thoughts, his aspirations. So here it is: everything you should know about penises, but no straight man would tell you.

“HOW’S IT HANGING?”

Straight guys may say this to a buddy when they run into each other at their local alehouse. What do they mean? Probably it’s just another way of saying “How are you doing,” but because men are obsessed with their penises, they’ll find any excuse to slip them into the conversation under veiled pretenses. If it’s hanging low, that probably means that they’ve gotten laid recently, and therefore, they’re doing pretty well. If it’s high and tight, it means they’ve been a little stressed and need to get boffed. Mind you, men don’t actually say these things, but that’s the underlying meaning of “How’s it hanging?”

Just where does it hang? For one thing, not all penises actually do hang. Most men, however, can definitely tell you which side of the zipper their manshaft lives on. It’s sort of like being right- or left-handed; it just seems to prefer one side naturally. Maggie thought that “it” usually went down the side of a guy’s pant leg, and Danny said, “Only if you’re lucky.”

SIZE LIES

For your purposes, you need never ask your partner how he’s hanging, but you will need to understand a little about the psychology of penises if you want your friendship with Mr. Stiffy, regardless of whom he’s attached to, to last. All men, straight or gay, are concerned about the size of their rod. Straight guys may not want to admit it, but they’re size queens, too. Even though studies show that men often overestimate the size of their johnson, every guy knows exactly how long his is, usually to within the millimeter. When your partner drops a line that lets you know that he’s obsessed with his penis or, rather, how obsessed he is, you’ll have to be subtle and encouraging. Don’t, for example, start laughing and say something like. “If that’s seven inches, then the ceilings in here must be twenty feet high.” He will never forget this; he may even plot your death. Remember that penises come in an amazing variety of sizes, shapes and styles, and that they all have something to offer you as your new friend.

Men seem to become obsessed with their penises from about birth on. We all remember a three-year-old nephew or a neighbor’s kid casually watching TV and diddling with his fiddle at the same time. Although many men would probably love to recall their first erection, they were probably too young to have any recollection at all. What they do remember, however, is the first appearance of pubic hair and their first wet dream. And yes, by the way, grown men can have wet dreams, but that usually means they really need to get it bad. The arrival of pubic hair and wet dreams is unbelievably shocking and embarrassing.

One guy we know was so proud of one of his early erections that be stuck a little gold star on the tip, covering the opening. Unfortunately for him, the star had a remarkably strong adhesive. Convinced that he was going to explode and die from never being able to pee again, the poor lad finally had to show his dad, a physician who ended up removing the star with a surgical knife. Just the thought of someone approaching the penis with a sharp instrument is enough to set most guys trembling. Actually having had this experience must be another matter altogether. So even though you may want to give a gold star to your newfound friend, Mr. Stiffy, we don’t recommend actually placing it on him. Besides, you’re the one who’ll be getting the gold star—or gold bracelet, necklace, you name it—for knowing so much about him!

GROWERS AND SHOW-ERS

Perhaps the most important thing for you to know is the difference between growers and show-ers. Some gay men, feeling pretty evolved about their erections, may say in conversation, “I’m a grower, not a show-er.” This is their way of letting a potential partner know that that tiny little thing in their underwear actually gets a lot bigger when it’s aroused. By some cruel twist of nature, some men are blessed with penises that look fairly large all the time, and only get a little bigger when erect. Some men have teeny-weeny peenies that get amazingly larger, and some poor guys have teeny-weenies that stay pretty teeny all the time.

The grower/show-er conundrum is especially sensitive for men, since they are often in situations where other men will see their equipment, beginning with high school gym class and later in bathrooms, at the gym, or at a friend’s poolside cabana. To put it simply, show-ers are the men who never wear a towel around their waist in the locker room, and growers are the ones who always wear a towel. And even though they know that their own Mr. Stiffy can get just as big as that show-er next to them in the shower, it’s a source of constant anxiety.

THE BIG CUT

While most American men are circumcised these days, many men in the rest of the world are not. Contrary to what many guys will tell you, circumcision does not reduce penis size; there’s just a little bit less skin to play with. In some ways, it’s a moot point, because all erect penises look and work pretty much the same way. The skin on a circumcised erection will be very taut, which is why you’ll want to treat it gently; rubbing it too hard will make the skin sensitive and red. With an uncircumcised guy, you’ll hold the extra skin at the base while you’re working your manual magic and oral action. There are a few tricks you can try with the foreskin, too, such as licking and sucking on it, which are discussed in more detail later on.

THE ABCs OF ERECTIONS

Arousal

So, you ask, what exactly does your new friend experience during sex? The first stage is arousal. You’ll have no trouble believing that men seem to get aroused at just about anything. During arousal, and this may be before you even see the penis, the pulse and breathing rate will increase, and Mr. Softee will fill up and become Mr. Stiffy. The entire shaft and head usually become larger, and the head becomes especially sensitive. Our polls show men split about evenly when it comes to their most sensitive spot. For some guys, it’s on the top part of the head, the part that would be facing his stomach if he were lying down. Others say that the section on the underside, just below the rim of the head, is their secret superspot.

Why men get erections at inappropriate times is another matter altogether. Sometimes, boxer shorts just hit the right—or wrong—way and the next thing a guy knows he’s sitting in Starbucks with a cappuccino and a woody. Every man in the world remembers being in junior high with a hard-on, nervously eyeing the clock and knowing that class will be over in three very short minutes, with no deflation in sight. Women may never know just how often this happens to men, but it’s a never-ending problem. In fact, this could be the reason why men often seem distracted in the middle of a conversation. One minute they’re listening closely to your latest business strategy, and the next, all they can think about is how they can stand up without Mr. Stiffy pitching a tent right into their Caesar salad.

Way back when, when Danny was a host in a restaurant and gentlemen customers would unabashedly flirt with him to get a good table, this used to happen to him all the time. Luckily, the restaurant had huge menus that he could hold at the right angle to cover up any embarrassing bulges, and he just prayed that it would go away by the time he reached the table. “I need a menu” became a much-used euphemism around the restaurant, which was especially loved by our friend Laurie, who was fond of popping up at the host stand during the lunch rush and asking if Danny needed a menu. Somehow, she always knew when he did.

Big, Bigger, Biggest

The next stage after arousal is big, bigger, biggest. Mr. Stiffy will become his absolute stiffest and tallest, and the ridge around the head will get bigger and extra sensitive, too. This is when you’ll want to be careful not to overdo it, unless you’re into very brief sexual encounters. One way to tell if your guy is close to orgasm is to check out his balls. If they look tight and are close to the shaft, then that means he’s pretty close. If they’re way up, that means he may be at “the point of no return,” and there’s no turning back. The big, bigger, biggest phase can be long or short. We suggest paying attention to other parts of his body in between manual and oral action, so that you’re not left watching the evening news afterward, when you were planning to watch the late, late show.

Climax

As one nears orgasm, the heart and breathing rates increase rapidly, and muscles will tense up. Like women, men climax in little contractions, about eight of them to be exact, according to a friend of ours in medical school, and around one second apart. Ejaculation can be accompanied by any variety of responses. We’ve seen laughers, criers, screamers, guys who whinny like a horse, and more. Some guys tremble involuntarily, some hardly make a peep. Danny says he’s been known to laugh during climax, and some guys get all paranoid and stuff, asking what’s so funny? Whatever your guy does, you’ll want to be warm and encouraging. Hug him if he seems to want it; kisses immediately after climax can be tough, because you’ll both be breathing pretty heavily. One final tip: Do not grab it right after climax, because Mr. Stiffy will be so crazed, wild and sensitive that he can barely be touched. We have one friend who says that he actually likes his penis to be held after climax, but he’s an oddball. So don’t do it, unless you want to risk having your hand slapped harder than Sister Mary Agnes used to do at Holy Name High.

We’re not exactly sure why not all orgasms are the toe-tingling, body-rocking, volcanic eruptions that all men dream about. The fact is that these do happen, but not always. We definitely believe that it has to do with how long foreplay and other forms of stimulation are involved. The longer the action, the stronger the reaction. Keep in mind that men can toss off in about three minutes, but their toes won’t be tingling. Now that you’re starting to think more like a gay man, you should go for the toe tingle every time. You’ll have the confidence of knowing that you were the best thing in bed he’s ever had and, remember, it’s the toe-tingler that gets the tennis bracelet, and we know you’ve got room in your jewelry box for lots of those.

NATURE’S WONDERS

How there can be so many shapes and sizes of penises is a mystery or nature. Be prepared to see some that veer off to the side like a banana, some that are thicker at the bottom than at the top, long and skinny ones, short and fat ones, ones with hair at the base of the shaft, and a staggering variety of head shapes. Head shapes are probably affected by circumcision. One guy Danny knows must have had a gay circumciser, since the head of his penis flares out with a baroque flourish at the ridge. The same thing goes for color; some get very red, but some stay the same color as when they are flaccid. If you’re having sex with a white guy using a cock ring, don’t be alarmed if Mr. Stiffy turns a deep crimson. Though less noticeable, perhaps, black guys using a ring change color, too—a shade that resembles Chanel’s Very Vamp.

While most penises have some nice qualities to recommend them, we have to admit that some are just plain gross to look at. In this case, you’re going to have to keep the lights out, close your eyes and just imagine that the thing you’re about to go down on is a perfectly rendered Renaissance sculpture, and not the twisted, knotty reality that’s actually in front of your face. And remember, if a guy’s thing is gross, he knows it, so your award-winning, imaginative performance will be appreciated all the more.

PENIS NAMES

Another aspect of penis psych 101 that you should know about is the phenomenon of men actually naming their penises, but it’s more common among straight guys than gay ones. Often there is a jocular tone to name, sort of like a nickname; other times guys come up with some really dull ones. Here’s a list of some we’ve heard:

Mr. Hooha

Mr. Happy

Bunny

Red

Herman, the One-Eyed German

Long John

Little Pete

Little Elvis

Fast Freddy

Mad Dog

Big Fella

Ralph

Mikey

Rodney

George

Juice

and the rather uninspired Sam (not to knock him, though: Sam was one hot number)

Some guys we polled seem to objectify, rather than personify, their feisty little friends. Some of the names in this category include:

Louisville Slugger

The Monster (or El Monstro if going for an international flair)

Warhead

Godzilla (which, according to its owner, is often shortened to “God,” especially during orgasm)