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‘HE’S NEXT…’

The rituals of queuing and buying a round

The queue

Everyone knows the British like queuing but only we could form a queue when there is no queue. It is sometimes known as ‘the queue that no one can see but everyone knows exists’ (snappy, eh?), i.e. everyone knows whose turn it is next even though there is no physical queue. It works like this:

You approach the bar, hold out your money, open your eyes wide in expectation and generally use all your body-language skills to show that you are waiting to be served. The alternative method of shouting, ‘Oi! Get your fat arse over here, I’m dying of thirst,’ I’ve never found to be very successful.

While doing this, you must scan the full-length of the bar to see who is already waiting. You don’t need to know who is next, but you must know who is before you.(If two of you approach the bar at exactly the same time, you must arm-wrestle to decide who is next. OK, I made this up, but if enough of us start doing it then it could catch on.)

If a bartender approaches you for your order out of turn you must point and mutter, ‘he’s next’ or, if you are feeling chatty, ‘this man was before me’, even if that person is right at the other end of the bar. This will elicit a grunt of appreciation and you’ll get a nice warm feeling inside (although that might be the whisky).

If someone else is actually ‘before’ the guy you have elected then that is his job to say so, not yours. You have done your queue duty, and when your turn comes you can rest easy in the knowledge that everyone else will grunt in your direction and you will get served. Don’t feel guilty, just feel happy that the rest of them are now enjoying that same warm feeling you had a few moments ago. Spread the love.

‘“He’s Next” will elicit a grunt of appreciation and you’ll get a nice warm feeling inside (although that might be the whisky).’

There are some specific exceptions to this rule:

Just because someone is sitting at the bar does not mean he is in the queue. You must assess how much beer he has left in his glass; a rule of thumb is that any more than a third of a pint means he is simply drinking at the bar, any less than that and he has magically joined the queue. Those under 40 might straighten their back and raise their heads up like a Meerkat to show they are back in the queue; older drinkers simply raise their glass or tip it towards the pump as if they are Oliver Twist asking for more.

The regulars, especially the Old Boys, will usually get served in-between the rest of the queue. They don’t need to ask, or even raise their eyebrows, but their Guinness will be pulled just as you take your eye off the ball and turn to ask your girlfriend which flavour crisps she fancies.

As pubs get busier the queues are split into sections as the barman can’t be expected to keep an eye on the whole bar, but simply a section of it. The busier it gets the smaller your section. So, in a really busy pub, although it would be rude to go ahead of the bloke next to you, ignoring someone a couple of metres away is fine. In a particularly rammed pub, it’s every drinker for himself. Note that this is still not the signal to shout, ‘Oi! Get your fat arse over here, I’m dying of thirst.’

Towards the end of the evening, as everyone gets drunk, the queue becomes more fluid and at last orders it disappears completely.

If you jump the queue by accident but only realise it as your lager shandy (which must be what you’re drinking if you made such an obvious mistake) is being poured, you must apologise and make a half-hearted attempt to ‘get back in line’. The barman will ignore your pleas but at least you have shown willing and you can now chat to the injured party about how long you have both been standing there, and use phrases such as ‘ridiculous wait’, ‘slow today’, ‘need more staff’ and so on. As you take your change you must tell the barman that your new friend is ‘next’. You now have a common bond of misunderstanding and are allowed to strike up a proper conversation later in the evening.

If you queue jump without the appropriate apology you will get stared at and maybe even grunted at – this is the worst possible thing that can happen to someone from Britain.

Buying rounds

Oh, the etiquette of rounds. The rules for this are almost as complex as the urinal rules (see page 99) and just as dangerous if you get them wrong. As with most pub rules (in fact, as with most British social rules), everyone pretends they are relaxed about the whole process but don’t you believe it. People are counting, watching and taking stock of everything you are doing and saying. So … read ’em and have your wallet to the ready:

If someone offers you a drink and you are genuinely just staying for one, you can say that and buy your own. If pushed, however, then it is traditional to accept the drink while saying, ‘I’ll get you one next time’, allowing the buyer to generously proclaim, ‘Don’t be daft, forget about it.’ Don’t forget. Next time you see him it will be silently known by both of you that it is your round. Needless to say, if you don’t just stay for one drink (does anyone?) then it’s your round next.

‘As with most pub rules, everyone pretends they are relaxed about the whole process, but don’t you believe it.’

Another reason to not join a round is if you are skint. In this situation most people will use a euphemism such as, ‘No it’s alright, I’m drinking on my own’, and trust that their sad face and the holes in their jeans convey the message. It is okay to accept a sympathy drink, but only one.

If you win any money in the pub (Lottery bonus ball, football scratch card, raffle, etc.) you will be expected to buy a round even if the round costs more than your winnings – serves you right for being lucky. Be warned: if you win money in the bookies and you announce it in the pub you will also be expected to share your good fortune with a round. When you lose (as is usual) your friends will not buy you a round in sympathy. Funny that.

If someone announces he is buying everyone a drink because his football team just won the cup, his wife has had a baby (don’t ask if he’s sure it’s his) then that doesn’t count as his round. This is extra and the round will resume where it paused before the grand gesture.

Someone always has to buy the first round; make sure you take your turn sometimes. It’s bad form to wait for the last round in the hope that some people drop off and you save money. Some people fear they will lose out by buying the first round, however scientific research has shown this is not true (although I can’t for the life of me remember where I read that). If someone always waits for the last round then just as he orders quickly drag a couple of new people into the round and (on his behalf) declare very loudly that all the bar staff can have a drink and that the change should go in the charity box for local orphans. He will be too embarrassed to back down.

‘If you win any money in the pub, you will be expected to buy a round even if the round costs more than your winnings – serves you right for being lucky.’

Don’t take the piss by ordering double whiskies when everyone else is on lager.

If it’s your round and everyone is feeling peckish you will be expected to get the crisps in. Always remember the rule on page 65 and ask the barman to list the entire selection of crisps before plumping for six packets of cheese and onion – your group is expected to laugh when the barman gets annoyed.

Couples do not count as one person when it comes to rounds.

If you buy a member of the bar staff a drink when they are working they are not expected to buy one back (because the drink is the equivalent of a tip), but if they are sitting on your side of the bar they should join the round like anyone else.

Everyone will deny keeping a check on who pays their way, yet the phrase ‘short arms, long pockets’ for someone who ducks out of buying their share is a well known one.

There is some genuine leeway among close friends when it comes to rounds as things balance out in the long term.

Other than those few rules when it comes to rounds, you’ve nothing to worry about. No one’s that bothered, really. Except, come to think of it, my mate Pete does still owe me a pint from that time in the Dragon in 1997. Pete, next time you’re in …