Читать книгу This Is Not the Life I Ordered - Deborah Collins Stephens - Страница 9

PREFACE: SLIGHTLY LESS THAN WORST-CASE SCENARIOS

Whether one is twenty, forty, or sixty; whether one has succeeded, failed, or just muddled along; whether yesterday was full of sun or storm, or one of those dull days with no weather at all, life begins again each morning in the heart of a woman.

LEIGH MITCHELL HODGES, POET (1876–1954)

We are simply four women whom destiny threw together. Collectively, we have experienced the extreme joys and deep sorrows that life offers up—from mundane moments to the dramatic and surreal. We have a history of six marriages, one divorce, ten children, four stepchildren, six dogs, two miscarriages, two cats, twelve koi fish, a failed adoption, widowhood, two parakeets, and foster-parenthood. We have built companies, lost companies, and sold companies. One of us was shot and left for dead on the tarmac in South America, and three of us have lived through the deaths of spouses.

We've raised babies and teenagers and are still alive to talk about it. We've had our hearts broken by affairs and mended through our friendships. We've known celebrity and loneliness, along with self-doubt and near financial ruin. We've been caregivers to those who faced terminal illnesses and supporters of those who lost loved ones.

We grew up in less-than-wealthy families, where living paycheck to paycheck was the norm. We've known more wealth than our parents could ever have imagined, and we've lost more money than they ever made! Forced to be creative, we have raised families on bare budgets and at times have been the sole breadwinners when our spouses were unemployed, seriously ill, or dying. In our careers, we've often been the only women at the table. We have taken risks that bet the company, bet the election, and—in some cases—bet the house!

When Bad Things Happen to Smart Women

A reporter once jokingly referred to our collection of misfortunate events as the female version of the book of Job, almost expecting that a hoard of locusts would descend on us at any moment! Yet, we do not view our lives with sadness or remorse. We see them as gifts, filled with events that have helped us develop a razor-sharp sense of what counts and what simply doesn't. Time and again, we have learned to reinvent ourselves. The process of reinvention, we now know, is best managed with humor, friendship, optimism, and a long-lasting high-beam flashlight to see the light at the end of every tunnel.

Among us, there is one commonality: loss. We've experienced the heartbreaking loss of lives, along with the loss of a marriage, a child, of innocence, and of money, stability, and hope. Loss causes formidable transitions that touch every woman at some point. But loss should never be faced alone and so we created a monthly meeting around our kitchen tables to share our lives and to support and encourage one another. These kitchen-table conversations were always therapeutic and inspiring. Our conversations gave us hope and inner strength. We knew that together, as friends, we would never walk alone.

Kitchen-Table Friends

Word spread about our kitchen-table conversations. We were asked to speak at conferences and to women's groups. We titled our talk “Survive and Thrive: Ten Turbo-Charged Tips for Women in Transition” and guessed that maybe thirty people might show up for the conversation.

Over 400 women came to our first session, forcing the fire marshals to lock the doors! We told our stories that day. Women lined up to talk with us. They shared their own personal versions of “survive-and-thrive” lives. Weeks later, we were encouraged to write a book. More conference organizers asked us to speak. We used the idea of writing a book as an excuse to continue our monthly meetings, yet wrote not a single word.

In fact, we continued to meet for over a decade before we put one word onto paper for that imaginary book we told everyone we were writing! We talked about losing businesses, losing husbands, and wanting to lose husbands. We talked about building careers, building families, and building on our fragile networking skills. We talked about finding our self-esteem, finding our paths, even finding new mates. We talked about challenges, taking risks, and taking a chance on love again. We talked candidly about near financial ruin, actual financial ruin, and avoiding financial ruin. We talked about our children, our co-workers, our colleagues, and our sex lives. We left no topic unexplored.

We encouraged one another through the numerous transitions we were experiencing. We even gave ourselves a name—Women in Transition, WIT for short—noting that we would truly need our collective wit to navigate through these tricky times. In time, our meetings took the form of what we envisioned as a quilting circle in the Wild West. Yet the fabric we wove at our meetings was the fabric of our lives.

We learned many lessons in our decades-long friendship. We learned that we had been fooled. We had convinced ourselves that, if we could manage our schedules, break through the glass ceiling, spend quality time with our families, bring home the bacon (and fry it up in a pan) while bouncing children on our hips and creating warm and loving relationships with our husbands, in-laws, and colleagues, somehow, some way, we would be rewarded with the problem-free lives that had eluded us. We were wrong.

Surviving and Thriving

From kitchen conversations to the thousands of conversations we've had with women all over the world, we learned that the problem-free life we sought was worse than just an illusion. It was a life-depleting myth to which too many have fallen victim. A woman's life is about much more than success, having it all, or the elusive balance we all seek (and may find). It is about more than seeking perfection or conquering the world (although you may). It is about more than gritting your teeth and making it through (no matter how). It is about surviving and thriving.

For us, surviving and thriving meant reinventing and rebuilding, and realizing that success is never final and failure is never fatal. It meant putting our best foot forward and walking into a future we had designed. All too often, the tiny voice inside us revealed that, although we might look like pillars of success on the outside, our teenagers were out of control, our jobs could end tomorrow, and our spouses, colleagues, and bosses were often untruthful, selfish, unfaithful, had died, or were just plain stupid.

Surviving and thriving meant taking what life offered up while searching for the opportunities, the joy, and the compassion in less-than-pleasant and always less-than-perfect circumstances. Together, we would navigate through some tricky times.

So, How's Your Life?

Our collective lives have been filled with more transitions than we thought possible. Transitions are an important part of the fabric of every woman's life. They affect us individually, but also have a ripple effect on our families. Transitions can build our characters and turn us into wise women, or they can leave us feeling depressed and alone. Successful transitions can make us strong—ready to extend a helpful hand to other women—or they can make us fearful of what lies ahead.

We offer this book as a road map of sorts for life's transitions. It contains the many lessons we've learned on how to ride the tidal waves of change that often engulf women. We've boiled those lessons down into sixty imperatives for surviving the vicissitudes of life and thriving despite them. Along the way, we have been honored to meet many magnificent and brave women whose stories of challenge, resilience, and triumph we include as examples of hope for all of us. This book is a literary kitchen table, where we invite you to pull up a chair and join us so you don't have to go through life alone. We hope this inspiring circle of women gives you hope, insight, and inspiration to deal with your own challenges and changes.

Education is not enough if it's not accompanied by action. With that in mind, each section in our book ends with suggested action plans and tools to help you implement them. We call this section the WIT Kit, and we hope you find these insights valuable. More important, we hope you'll be motivated to adapt them and apply them in your own lives, where they can produce real-world results.

We know you're busy. We know you're probably running from the minute you wake until bedtime. But we also know that taking time to follow up on the recommendations found in the WIT Kit can make the difference between merely surviving what life throws at you and thriving despite what life throws at you.

Some of the actions described in the WIT Kit take only a few minutes. Some involve more time and planning. All of them can help. If you feel as if life is dragging you down, these actions can help you keep your head above water. They can help you create a higher quality of life for yourself and your loved ones—now, not someday.

Deborah Collins Stephens

Michealene Cristini Risley

Jackie Speier

Jan Yanehiro

San Francisco, California, July 2018