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YOUR MONEY STORY AND PERSONAL MYTHOLOGY

The experiences and illuminations of childhood and early youth become in later life the types, standards and patterns of all subsequent knowledge and experience.

— ARTHUR SCHOPENHAUER, quoted in Joseph Campbell, A Joseph Campbell Companion

We all have a money story that began in our early childhood and evolved through time into our adulthood. Our money stories evolve out of our experience, through twists and turns, plots and subplots, and ultimately develop into the “story of our story” — our own personal mythology. Our individual mythologies are the narrative we use in daily life to express and explain how we came to be who we are. Our money stories and personal mythologies serve as a kind of guide and road map in helping us to navigate, discover, and create meaning out of our inner landscape, our experiences, and our lives.

My Early Money Story

When I was five years old, my “rich” aunt and uncle came to visit us and gave each of us children a crisp, new ten-dollar bill and said we could do anything we wanted with it. They took my sisters to the toy store, but I declined. I needed time to think about what I wanted to do with my money. Later that day, I walked to the corner store and asked the cashier for ten one-dollar bills. Then I went back to my neighborhood and gave nine of my one-dollar bills away to my friends, keeping one dollar for myself. It made me very happy to do this. Later that day, my mom came home and asked where my money was. I joyfully told her that I had given all but one dollar away to other kids on the block. She became angry and punished me for being “ungrateful” and for wasting what I had been given. She seemed embarrassed and ashamed of me. I felt sad and confused. If it felt good to give, how could it be bad? Wasn’t it my money to do what I wanted with? “No” she said, “go get it back.” Forced to ask for the money back, I felt deeply ashamed and humiliated.

I always knew we were poor, but by the age of eight, I began to realize that if I wanted anything, I’d have to learn how to get it on my own. So, I began my first entrepreneurial venture and ironed clothes for others, charging five cents per item. Later, I moved on to cleaning the houses of some of my mother’s friends. I was good at cleaning and felt well paid, even though sometimes my arms hurt for days from washing windows. The ladies were kind to me and fixed me sandwiches for lunch. I didn’t mind that other kids played while I worked. I had my own money and used or saved it as I pleased. Mostly, I liked to save it for something special.

My mother worked long hours as a waitress. I remember feeling sad that she had to work so hard. Most of my friends’ mothers stayed at home and didn’t have to work. This didn’t seem fair to me. I tried to keep the house clean to make my mom happy.

I was an exceptional student and almost always got straight As. Sometimes I would be given a dollar for each A, but only for the As. I soon learned that Bs or below were “worthless,” and this made me feel confused and angry. Why are Bs not good enough? I thought. They should be worth at least fifty cents if an A is worth a dollar.

Every September, my mother took us shopping for school clothes. We always shopped at sales, but sometimes Mom would treat us and let us shop at Robinson’s (a chic and more expensive store), which is where she said the rich people shopped. She was the queen of bargain hunting. Before we got home, Mom would make us put our “loot” into Kmart shopping bags and hide the evidence of the Robinson’s bags in the trash. We were sworn to secrecy. Mom always said, “We may be poor, but you’ll always look rich.” How we looked was very important to her. We didn’t have much, and what we bought was always on sale, but it was always nice. I felt this was the way we hid our poverty, as though it was something to be ashamed of.

My father gave his paycheck to Mom every week, and she handled the finances. I somehow knew that there was never enough and that she struggled to make do with what there was. We ate a lot of beans and potatoes. Sometimes, when things were really tight, my mom would make a chocolate cake, and we’d eat chocolate cake with beans on top. This was our family’s version of a gourmet meal. It helped to compensate for another night of beans and felt like a celebration to us.

When I was ten, my father lost his blue-collar job at the steel factory where he was a foreman. They closed the plant due to the recession (the oil crisis of the early seventies). He could not find work, so we moved from California to Utah, where he was offered a job. We were very sad in Utah and were treated like foreigners. One day, I woke up and found my mom packing up our things. She said that we were moving that week to Arkansas. We were shocked. Mom was frantic and said that something bad was going to happen if we didn’t leave. She had had a premonition. We packed and left like gypsies in the night. Our two brothers promised to move and join us later. I felt very scared. We had little money, and my dad had no job.

We drove nonstop to my grandparents’ house in Batesville, Arkansas. They were dirt-poor and lived in the boonies. But there was no work, no money, and no future in Arkansas, and soon we left. We drove to St. Louis to see if my dad could find a job there. We moved in with my aunt, who was a widow and lived alone in the ghetto, but she refused to move. There I briefly found a home as one of the only white kids in a poor African American neighborhood that filled my life with a sense of belonging. Being poor didn’t matter. I was accepted and even allowed to perform as one of the “Supremes” (in my Afro wig!) in our makeshift neighborhood street theater. I felt rich for the first time.

When I was twelve, we moved into our own house, which was in a horribly poor neighborhood. Within a few months, I awoke early one morning to hear my mother screaming and crying. I walked into the kitchen and discovered that our older brother had been killed in a hunting accident in Utah. Something bad had happened there; Mom’s premonition came true. My brother’s death devastated our family. We barely had enough money to get to California to bury our brother in the family cemetery. When we returned home, we didn’t have enough money to rent our own place. My parents asked their best friends if we could stay with them until we got on our feet, but they said no. This crushed my mother’s spirit. She had just lost her son and had traveled all that way to bury him, and her friends couldn’t find it in their hearts to help us. Our dog even died on the way home from heat exposure. My parents never bad-mouthed those friends. They said they understood, but it took me years to forgive this betrayal. Everything else during this time is a blur, except that my mother was devastated, and we didn’t have enough money to bury our brother properly. I don’t think my family ever recovered.

We moved into a housing project and were forced to go on welfare. The recession continued, and my father still could not find work. Living in the projects was a trip. I quickly made friends in my now very racially mixed neighborhood and attempted to make the most of it. I focused on and excelled in school and was named student of the year. I wanted to compensate for my mother’s loss by doing well. I kept myself so busy that I didn’t have time to feel poor, until one day I was chased by giant cockroaches in our apartment.

The next year, my father finally found work, and we moved to a better neighborhood. Now fourteen, I began working at Taco Bell. I loved making my own money and not having to ask anyone for anything. Fiercely independent, I had one and sometimes two jobs from that age on. Work had become my refuge from a difficult life. Working and making money were my ticket out of that life.

I saved enough money to buy my own car at sixteen. I surprised my parents one day when I drove into the driveway with my primer-gray Buick LeSabre. They were stupefied and couldn’t understand how I kept figuring out all this money stuff on my own. They wouldn’t let me have a driver’s license, but I had bought my own car!

I decided to go to college, and with the help of my high school counselor, I received scholarships and grants. When I told my parents that I’d been accepted to a top university, they laughed and said, “Yeah, right…who’s going to pay for that?” I told them, “Don’t worry, I’ve already figured it all out, and you won’t need to pay a dime.” That night, my father came into my room and told me that he was very proud of me and of what I had accomplished. It was the first time he had ever truly acknowledged me. Shortly after that evening, on the night of my high school graduation, my father died suddenly from a massive heart attack. He never made it to my graduation. He was only fifty, and his life had ended, all too abruptly.

With his passing, my mother became a young widow and single parent of three. All that my father left her was a $10,000 life insurance policy, which my financially naive mother thought was a small fortune. Within a year, she began to realize that $10,000 would not last us very long. Now, with only a waitress’s income, my mother simply couldn’t make ends meet, and money was a source of constant stress and struggle from then on. She never really recovered emotionally or financially from my father’s death. When she died, she had very little to speak of materially, which bothered her greatly. But she was a great mother who did the best she could with what she had.

I became the first and only person in my family to attend and graduate from college. Having witnessed so much financial struggle in my parents’ lives has deeply influenced my own life and choices. It is part of my own personal mythology and has informed my destiny. I was determined to learn how to be financially educated and empowered, and to help others to do so, too.

Understanding Our Stories

Each of our stories is rich with meaning and metaphor. We are not unlike great stone carvings being shaped into human form by our trials and tribulations. When we merge into relationship, our individual stories also merge and become entwined. The problem is, when it comes to money, our partners seldom fully know or comprehend the significance of these stories in our de-velopment. Without our stories, we cannot make sense of how our money patterns and behaviors were formed. Knowing each other’s money stories is essential to understanding present-day money patterns and behaviors. Without this understanding, we are prone to making assumptions, drawing conclusions, and, worse, judging one another. The sharing of our stories not only helps us to make sense of our own experience but also helps our partners to do the same.

EXERCISE

Writing Your Money Story

I strongly encourage you both to write and share your individual money stories with each other. I recommend that you use this process as the foundation and building blocks of creating financial intimacy, which will deepen your relationship.

STEP ONE. WRITE YOUR STORY: Begin by writing your money story from childhood to the point where you first met your partner. Write your story from your earliest money memory, and move chronologically through time, allowing your memories to come in one at a time. It is best to write your money story in a stream-of-consciousness manner without editing, judging, or analyzing your memories while writing. Include as much detail as you can, as it will help you to identify your money patterns and relevant themes. When you reach the point in your life where you met your current partner or spouse, title the next section “The Story of Us,” and write your money memories from when you began dating to your present-day life together.

STEP TWO. MAP YOUR STORY: Once you’ve completed your story, read it from the beginning to identify recurring patterns, themes, emotions, and beliefs. Below is an example of one client’s story map. On a separate sheet of paper or in your money journal, map your story, using this example as a template.

EXAMPLE: Story Mapping

Money Patterns	Money Themes
Giving	Feast or famine
Confused	Never enough
Need my own money	Loss and betrayal
Work hard	Survivor
Sacrifice	Scarcity
Creative	Rich versus poor
Resourceful	Hide poverty
Fiercely independent	Work = money + independence
Money Emotions	Money Beliefs
Happy	Money is hard to get/keep.
Joyful	There will never be enough.
Sadness	Money is not fair.
Worried	Money is stressful.
Fear	Rich people are selfish.
Anger	Money is not for our family.
Resentment	To be poor is shameful.
Humiliated	Making money is hard work.

EXERCISE

Money Messages and Meaning

Before you proceed, take some time to reflect on these questions and write in your journal.

1. What messages about money did you receive in your childhood from your parents?

2. How do those messages influence and inform your experience with money today?

3. What would you have rather heard or experienced that might have made a difference?

4. How have your money patterns changed since childhood?

5. What messages about money are you giving or would you like to give to your partner or children, if you have them?

6. If money were not an obstacle, real or perceived, what would you do differently in your life today?

Sharing Your Money Story

Now that you’ve written your money story, it is time to share it. Before you do, I suggest that you make an agreement with your partner to listen to each other’s stories from a place of nonjudgment and compassion. Ask your partner for this agreement in advance. Once you’ve agreed, take turns reading your stories aloud without interruption. Once you’ve both read your stories, discuss them openly. Here are some questions to help guide your discussion:

1. What did you learn about me that was new?

2. What was uncomfortable for you to share and why?

3. What fears or emotions came up as you were sharing?

4. What surprised you most about my story?

5. What helped you to understand me and my money patterns more?

6. Was there anything about my story that was confusing or that you would like to know more about?

“The Story of Us”

Now that you’ve read and discussed your individual “Story of Us” memories, notice what you both chose to write about and any significant differences in perspectives. For example, do you have similar or different recollections about how you navigated through money issues in your relationship? If so, please know that this is not uncommon. Most of us tend to remember things in relationship to our own experience rather than our partner’s. However, noticing how your partner’s perspective is different from your own can be enlightening, providing new awareness and perspective, and can even help you to know what to do differently in the future.

For example, when I read the money stories of my clients John and Ann, I noticed that their memories about an early financial agreement were radically different. It was apparent that they’d been operating from assumptions rather than facts. Before they married, John believed that he had been clear about not wanting to be financially responsible for Ann and about the fact that he expected her to pay for her own expenses as well as contribute to their joint expenses. Ann, on the other hand, said that her husband did not want to be responsible for her personal expenses only. Over the years, she had pretty much covered her own personal expenses, such as her car payment, credit card payment, hair and beauty costs, clothes, and groceries. She had “let” John, who earned considerably more, cover the larger expenses, such as their mortgage, taxes, insurance, and vacations. John’s money story indicated that he felt resentful about this.

As we discussed their situation, they began to see how this pattern had evolved out of a miscommunication. In fact, Ann was happy to pay more to help support their household but had received mixed messages from John. He liked being in charge of their financial house and being the primary breadwinner. However, he sometimes felt taken advantage of — that he was carrying the bulk of the financial burden. He was conflicted and therefore gave mixed messages to Ann. Through their stories, they were able to see where the communication had gone awry, and they were able to work together to resolve it amicably.

As you learn more about each other through this storytelling process, it is important to determine if there are any communication or money issues to discuss and resolve before moving forward.

Writing Your Next Chapter

Regardless of your history, which cannot be undone, the future is still unwritten and can be altered by your present-day awareness and intentions moving forward. How would you both like to have your money story unfold from here? Start the next chapter of your story together based on what you would like to create.

What old money patterns would you each like to overcome?

What new money patterns would you each like to develop?

What money themes would you like to change or embrace?

What new emotions would you like to experience?

What beliefs about money would you like to surrender?

What new money beliefs would you like to develop?

What is the vision you hold for your future together, personally and financially?

Write all this down and begin to co-create it today.