Читать книгу The Loving Push - Debra Moore PhD - Страница 11
ОглавлениеThe Three Necessary Components of Your Child’s Success
1. Avoiding Learned Helplessness
2. Learning Optimism and Resisting Habitual Negative Thinking
3. The Critical Impact of Mentors
Whether you think you can, or think you can’t, you’re probably right.
—Henry Ford
A mentor is someone who allows you to see the hope inside yourself.
—Oprah Winfrey
Each of the people whose stories you just read encountered unique challenges and struggles. Yet they found strategies and support that helped them move on and create meaningful, productive lives. We’re going to give you examples of how they did it.
A recurring theme in each of the stories was that every person kept moving forward even in the face of obstacles. They discovered how to stay positive enough to continue to develop. They didn’t give in to their doubts, and they didn’t quit when they hit obstacles.
Others were often there to help them, making sure they didn’t withdraw into isolation, inactivity, or helplessness. Family members and others supported them in staying hopeful and finding opportunities. Also, every single person profiled mentioned at least one adult who exposed him or her to new ideas, to new ways of thinking about themselves, and to novel experiences. These components helped pave the way to each person’s success.
They weren’t a coddled group of kids. Their parents were all unique—some were absent, some were struggling just to provide, and some were handling large families with their share of crisis points. One common denominator was that each person profiled was encouraged and “stretched” just outside their comfort zone by at least one adult in their life. This helped keep them positive and prevented them from falling into chronic learned helplessness, a condition that is frequently embedded in autistic kids and which we’ll introduce you to in this chapter.
Start by Creating a Positive Mindset
Always praise your child’s tangible actions. Generalities can be confusing or unusable by those on the autism spectrum. So when you say, “You’re such a great kid,” or “You can do anything you set your mind to,” these are well intended, but will not be as effective as a specific reference. Instead say, “You did a great job fixing dinner tonight. I know you were nervous and weren’t sure you could do it. But you followed the recipe carefully and it turned out delicious.” People with autism typically can’t organize a response to a generalized comment or an open-ended question about their goals.
When you praise qualities of their personality, be equally specific. Avoid generalities like “You are a kind person.” Instead, give your child a concrete example of their kindness: “I was happy to see you help your father mow the lawn. You know he’s been working extra hours and has been tired. That was really considerate and kind of you.”
Self-esteem and the courage to try new things come gradually to many of our children, and they are often their own worst critics. They have frequently felt different at best, and been mercilessly bullied at worst. Many have integrated a negative self-image, and we have to actively help them reverse this.
Jaime says he still regrets how he let bullies influence his self-perception.
I should have separated myself from them. But it was confusing because the bullies would sometimes be nice to me in one-on-one situations. But whenever anyone else was around, they’d default to treating me poorly. My mistake was allowing them the opportunity to continue pestering me, and letting them assert authority over me. My mistake was placing even the slightest value on the opinions of those that treated me badly.
Avoiding Learned Helplessness
Many children on the autism spectrum are casualties of what is called “learned helplessness,” and this must be dealt with head-on. This term was coined by psychologist Martin Seligman, best known for his work in the field of “positive psychology.” Knowing the basics of his research will help you help your child. Dr. Seligman discovered that when animals or people are repeatedly subjected to negative environments that they can’t control, they pretty quickly give up. But the really scary thing he observed was that even when circumstances change and become positive, they still act powerless!
In one classic study, he placed three groups of dogs in a room with a floor that emitted a mild shock—not enough to harm the dogs, but unpleasant enough that they would naturally want to escape it. The first dogs (Group #1) experienced the shock, and were then released. Two other sets of dogs (Group #2 and #3) were yoked together in pairs. Each dog in the pair had a lever they could press with their paw. The levers actually worked for Group #2—when the dog pressed it, the shock stopped. But the dogs in Group #3 had sham levers—they didn’t do a thing.
The dogs in the first and second group quickly recovered from the experience, but the dogs with useless levers began to exhibit signs of chronic depression. And most frightening, when they were later put in a similar situation, they generalized their powerlessness and acted completely helpless.
They were put in a room with a low partition. The floor gave them a mild shock. They weren’t in a harness this time—they could have easily jumped over the partition and escaped it. But instead they simply lay down passively and whined. They didn’t even try.
Without our help, our children are like these dogs. They are very vulnerable to giving up. Kids on the autism spectrum are especially susceptible to learned helplessness for several reasons. First, they often have a history of emotional trauma. This may surprise you. But being subject to the sudden onset of sensory overload “storms” and the emotional tornados we call meltdowns is traumatic. And being bullied, which almost all children on the spectrum have endured, is definitely traumatic.
They also give up quickly due to their neurological wiring. It is difficult for them to see the big picture. In fancy terminology this is called lacking “central coherence.” Non-autistic people naturally look for the “big (central, coherent) picture” and process information within that context. Autistic children rarely do. Instead, they hyper-focus on one part of their experience and fail to see alternative choices or options.
Parents and therapists have to intentionally and consistently counteract this. With young kids, you tell them explicitly what alternatives are available. With older kids and teens, you help them come up with their own choices. Once they figure out an alternative and can put it in words, you have to make sure they act on it as soon as possible in order to reinforce it.
An Example from Temple
Temple met a woman after speaking at a conference in Argentina. The woman shared that she was afraid to go into certain stores, so she was really limited in her shopping. This distressed and inconvenienced her and she wanted to overcome it. Temple let the woman briefly talk, and then moved into action mode.
There was a newspaper stand nearby and the woman was interested in knowing the day’s news. Temple stood aside and told the woman to walk up and buy a newspaper. She did it successfully. Temple congratulated her. Then she confronted her distorted thinking by pointing out that her self-limiting thinking was inaccurate, because she had just proved she was in fact able to make a purchase at a new place. If Temple had just listened or gotten into a prolonged conversation about the woman’s fears, the woman probably would just have gotten more anxious. She certainly wouldn’t have initiated a purchase herself. Sometimes we have to “strike while the iron is hot.” It was a teachable moment that Temple grabbed. Parents can do the same.
Another Example: Patrick Learns to Enjoy Eating Out
Patrick’s Aunt Mary gives another good example of taking concrete action and using a person’s desire to overcome their fear.
Patrick used to be afraid to go to restaurants. But he loved to eat. So I would take him out even when he was being resistant. We would go to simple places that often had menus on the wall, but even this was overwhelming. At first he acted helpless and would cry and say, “I’m not going to eat!” He used to freeze and refuse to make a decision. I would tell him that while there is no rush, you can, and must decide.
“Search your brain,” I would say. I would bring him back up to the counter (he’d inevitably have walked away by then), and we would practice breathing and choosing an option. I would also have him see the big picture by paying attention to other people in the restaurant and their conversations so that he broke out of his tunnel vision.
In summary, she says, “Always teach about ways to get past the anxiety and helplessness rather than let it take over the situation.”
These days one of Patrick’s favorite things to do with his aunt is going out to eat. She tells him he has become a “restaurant social butterfly.” She recalls the day she watched him come out of the restroom laughing and joking with a woman in the waiting area. “I was so proud of him!”
From his own perspective, Patrick says, “Mary used to take me out to restaurants and I just didn’t know what to order. If it’s a place you order from a waiter, I still tend to ask for recommendations. That makes it easier. But it’s also helped me branch out and try new foods I would never try as a kid and didn’t even know existed!”
Patrick was asked for some examples of the most “exotic” foods he’s tried and liked. The joy in his voice came through when he described them.
Dim sum and blue cheese and feta cheese. Salmon was my “gateway” food! I thought, oh my God—this is delicious!” I get kind of crazy around salmon! And there are so many types of fish out there!
Patrick’s Aunt Mary instinctively did the two things that Dr. Seligman found works to reverse learned helplessness. With the dogs, he had to put them back in the old situation and then he physically manipulated them over the barrier. He literally lifted them and moved their legs in ways that mimicked how the dog would naturally jump. This is what Mary did when she went and got Patrick and brought him back up to the menu.
But there is a second necessary step. If the dogs were lifted over the barrier just once or even only a few times, it didn’t work. They retreated to helplessness. Dr. Seligman had to repeat the physical action over and over. But the dogs finally got it and the effect lasted! Same with Patrick—it took lots of restaurant trips, but now he looks forward to going out to eat.
Learning Optimism and Resisting Habitual Negative Thinking
Dr. Seligman also coined a second term: “learned optimism.” Based on earlier work of both Albert Ellis’s rational emotive behavior therapy (REBT) and Aaron Beck’s cognitive behavior therapy (CBT), Seligman added two more pieces. In both of these therapies, it is assumed that something activates an event (A), then we respond with a rational or irrational belief (B), and then this belief influences the consequence (C). When we get stuck in irrational beliefs, we get stuck in self-defeating consequences.
Seligman realized that more than intellectual insight is needed to maintain changes in our behavior, so he added “disputation” (D) and “energization” (E) to the model. Disputation means we have to expose our kids to counter-evidence of their beliefs—often in the midst of their vigorous resistance. Energization means we actively celebrate the success that follows making positive choices and reclaiming autonomy.
These two steps to change bad habits are particularly important for ASD kids. Autistic kids have brains that are built to be great at focusing like an intense laser. But the downside is their brains don’t naturally try on alternative perspectives or explanations. We have to guide them in this direction, and we have to have them practice it over and over. When autistic kids get stuck on an irrational belief, they’re unlikely to unstick themselves without our active intervention and help. We have to provide them both insight and action.
The insight must be based on clear logic, not an appeal to emotion. And even then, as Ellis famously said, “insight alone will help you very little.” Our kids need specific ways to recognize their thinking distortions and concrete ways to shift that thinking. Below are three ideas that are easy to understand and can help you guide your child.
Know the Three “Ps” on the Road to Success
There are three easy ways to remember how to teach our kids to resist habitual negative thinking and self-blame. Known as the “3 Ps,” they involve concepts of Permanence, Pervasiveness, and Personalization. We’ll describe how each one can be used to help people on the spectrum.
“Permanence”
Our kids often assume that bad events are permanent and good events are temporary. They aren’t necessarily consciously aware of this belief. It needs to be clearly pointed out to them—over and over. And they need specific examples of bad things they’ve experienced that in fact were not permanent.
Debra remembers working with Patrick when he was learning to drive. After a year of practicing in parking lots and side streets, then taking driver’s education classes, he signed up for the on-road examination. He failed it (as he was convinced he would, in spite of evidence to the contrary that he was capable of good, safe driving). His mind was saying he would fail, his anxiety skyrocketed, and he made a mistake he didn’t make in practice.
After this “bad” event, Patrick swore he’d never again try to take the test. He was adamant! He believed that if he failed once he would always fail. He retreated into helplessness. As his Aunt Mary says, “He needs more than average success before he’ll own it, and even then he struggles because his negative voice is still loud.”
It took some time for Patrick’s emotional state to return to baseline, and then we had many talks about the faulty logic in his thinking. It also took him getting back in the driver’s seat as soon as possible. We renewed our emphasis on relaxation and breathing technique and rehearsed self-talk. He retook the exam and passed. He now drives both locally and out of town! Now when other “bad” things happen, this example serves to remind him that while his initial belief may always be “once a bad outcome, always a bad outcome,” this in fact is untrue. He has indisputable proof.
Patrick and his Dad—a successful outcome!
“Pervasiveness”
A second self-defeating attitude—“pervasiveness”—is assuming that difficulty or failure in one area means life as a whole is a failure. Optimistic people compartmentalize problems, but ASD children need extra and specific help with this. When they have difficulty with one task, kids on the spectrum often conclude they are bad at every task. They’ll need your help listing areas they are good at. Better yet, get them involved as soon as possible in an activity they feel good about. Keep up involvement in that area on a regular basis so that they routinely experience mastery. It doesn’t have to be a big deal thing. Sarah, the wildlife biologist profiled earlier, remembers how important it was to help her neighbor Armida with small tasks such as weeding alongside her in the garden. It’s hard to mess up weeding, and Armida was genuinely appreciative of the help.
“Personalization”
The last “P” is personalization. There is a huge difference between how optimists and pessimists attribute cause to events. When bad things happen, pessimists assume they personally caused it. Optimists assume it was just bad luck or bad circumstances. On the other hand, when good things happen, pessimists assume it was just “dumb luck.” Optimists, however, internalize a sense of achievement and give themselves credit for their role in success.
Katie, the mom of Scott, the former quality assurance tester, recalled a game she created to motivate and reward learning manners. This is a great example of one simple way to both reinforce specific skills and internalize a child’s sense of personal accomplishment. Scott’s mom made up “the manners game,” which was played at the dinner table at least once every week.
I’d place two nickels in front of each person’s place setting. Then I’d pick one table manner I wanted to teach—one week not chewing with your mouth open, another not putting your elbows on the table, and so forth. I made it a fun game and my husband and I played along, even making mistakes on purpose to give Scott and his siblings a chance to spot them. Every time a child spotted a mistake, they were awarded one of the nickels belonging to the person who made the mistake. They got to keep it and save or spend it. But if they made a mistake, they lost a nickel and there was no arguing or whining allowed. The kids found the game very motivating and didn’t realize they were learning rules and attitudes—they just liked the treat of having game night.
The Critical Impact of Mentors
A very important ingredient in every personal profile in Chapter 1 was that each individual had at least one parent, teacher, neighbor, employer, or other mentor to guide them. These adults blended being a positive role model, a source of advice or information, and someone who expected effort and accountability.
These folks weren’t professionals and they didn’t necessarily know about autism, but they recognized the uniqueness of each child and sensed their areas of need. They created opportunities to both nurture and instruct the child. They saw the best in each youngster, even when that child couldn’t see it for themselves. And when the child felt that appreciation, it stayed in their hearts forever.
Listening to the stories of those who were profiled, it was really obvious how fondly they remembered their mentors. Some stayed in touch with them for many years. It was clear that even those who have lost touch treasure the memories of their time together. Interviews with mentors were also often powerful and moving. More than one mentor shed tears as they told their stories and then heard how important they had been.
Mentors Who Were Friends or Teachers
Martha, the science department clerk now in her 50s, talked about a nurturing mentor she first met as a little girl. She stayed in contact with her even into her college years.
When I was little, my father’s woman friend Mary took a lot of interest in me. She helped me feel loved when I was not getting that at home. She provided me an ear for my sorrows about my upbringing, about bullying at home and school, and about my loneliness. My mother had died when I was three, and my father and his mother raised me. Mary was the only person who made me feel like I was a special and unique person. When I went to college, I lived close enough to her to visit on weekends. I graduated with a bachelor’s degree in economics and was an excellent student. But I was bullied throughout, so Mary was a welcome respite. I always felt safe with her.
Several mentors were teachers. These educators seemed to combine passion for their avocation, commitment to the student, and a creative approach to matching each child’s unique mind to the subject matter at hand.
Sarah, now 36 and a wildlife biologist, was eager to talk about Mr. Shanks, her middle school ecology teacher, and Mrs. Letsos, her middle school math teacher.
Mr. Shanks reinforced my budding love of nature! His positive influence encouraged my creativity. He was always enthusiastic and appreciative of me. He exposed me to ideas about ecology and also, like my father, to Native American ideas. My math teacher, Mrs. Letsos, recognized and used my growing interests in nature to help me learn. She applied math functions to shapes found in plants and animals, which was by now something I loved. So she always had my attention in class!
Cosette, who recently graduated from high school, remembers how important her sixth grade teacher was to both her and her classmates.
Mrs. Warner was the teacher that understood my autism the best. Before her, most other teachers could scarcely believe that I had autism. That’s because I seemed to function perfectly most of the time and I was very smart. But my behavior was erratic, and I had terrible fits of anxiety and outbursts of strong emotion. Mrs. Warner not only believed me, she also educated the other kids about what I had. After that the kids didn’t try to bully me or mock me for my erratic behavior like I had experienced in earlier elementary school grades. Now they were on my side and supported me through my sixth grade year.
The Mathematics of Plants—Making Science Relevant to a Student
Sarah’s science teacher, Mrs. Marilyn Letsos, has a love and appreciation of how math intersects with the natural world. Her passion was immediately evident in talking with her. She eagerly yet patiently described how nature’s spirals, such as snail shells and sunflower blooms, follow a mathematical principle known as the Fibonacci sequence, adding, “Nature is so full of wonderful mathematical phenomena. There are lots of geometric shapes in nature.”
Mrs. Letsos also recognized the value of having her students do more than listen. She had them physically experience math, which is vital for visual thinkers on the autism spectrum.
To teach how the tilt of the earth causes the seasons, I would have the students actually go out and check the time the sun came up and what time it set each day. Then they would measure how much it changed from day to day. I’d also have them go outside and measure the shadows of things such as trees and tall buildings. This taught them angles and geometry.
She had a natural appreciation for the challenges some students faced in math class. She related that she herself “hated” math as a child. On her classroom wall she displayed a large poster picturing Albert Einstein and his quote, “Do not worry if you have problems with mathematics. I can assure you mine are much worse.” Perhaps most importantly, this was a teacher who valued each child’s uniqueness and whose goal was to help students reach their individual potential.
As a child myself, I didn’t “get it” the way math was presented. But as a middle school teacher, I had to teach it! Once I started teaching it, I loved it. I loved it because it was actually fun and interesting! I realized that there are many valid ways to approach and solve a problem, and I could see how important it is to validate my students’ thinking —especially if it was original—even if it didn’t match the approach given in the textbook.
I would give them some sort of puzzle they had to work out in small groups. Each student would approach the problem differently, and that made it even more powerful because they could see how a problem can be solved in more than one way. They could also see how important their contribution was to the process, even if they didn’t come up with the final solution.
Every one of our brains is unique and works differently. But they can all make valuable contributions and we need them all! I tried to foster a personal sense of confidence and appreciation, in each child, for their own thinking process and sense of logic. My deep desire was to make their education a tool of empowerment. Otherwise, we don’t have any business keeping them in school unless it serves their self-realization. Then they can serve others and become truly orderly, productive, contributing members of society.
Getting Families and Schools to Work Together
It does take a village. If your child does not have a special “mentor” teacher, make sure you approach the school and ask for help preparing your child for adulthood. If you do not have an IEP this is much harder, so that is your first step. Once you have an IEP, generally provided under the category of “Other Health Impaired” (versus intellectual disability), then you as the parent must take the lead and be sure formal transition planning is included. This must spell out how your child will get vocational training in the form of both job skill instruction and on-the-job internships prior to graduation.
Researchers have shown that families working with schools produce the best outcome for ASD youth. Most schools don’t have formal programs, so you have to create your own. The vast majority of schools will tell you they don’t have these sorts of programs. Keep going up the chain of command to the school district. Go online for help and advice. Many of the autism advocacy groups have information on getting these resources, and another good website is wrightslaw.com, a site devoted to special education law and advocacy.
All ASD youth in high school should be preparing for life after graduation before graduation. Detailed steps should be written into their IEP by their junior year.
One study found many advantages when at least one parent and the student are directly involved with the school’s planning, and those who started one year earlier showed significant benefits. These students and their parents reported significantly higher expectations for the future, and the students had a higher sense of self-determination and a better sense of vocational decision-making ability.
One student cited in the study, Daniel, identified a goal of working in the film industry and attending college to study film or broadcasting. His planning team helped him research occupations and job requirements in the film industry, and people and organizations in his community where he could gain experience. Daniel’s planning facilitator developed an internship opportunity at the public access channel in his community. The student’s school provided an aide to support the internship, and Daniel was able to learn skills related to operating professional video cameras, lighting, and sound. In addition, Daniel was supported to write a movie review column for his school newspaper. Through these experiences, he became more aware of what he did and did not like, what supports he required to be successful, and how to communicate his needs to others. As Daniel’s mother noted, “He is able to dream, and explore opportunities, and nothing is going to hold him back.”
Mentors Can Even be Media Personalities or Superheroes
Several individuals also mentioned role models that served as inspiration and comfort, even though they didn’t know them personally. Some sources of security and identity were celebrities or cartoon characters.
Jaime, who now works for one of the world’s largest technology companies, had examples from both categories.
I was already the outcast by elementary school. I remember liking Gonzo on the Muppet Babies, whose alien race was self-professed “Weirdo.” He ignored what others thought. He was in love with Miss Piggy and was artistic and brainy—just being himself and not trying to be anything else. He was honest and good, but not perfect, and I could relate to that.
In high school, I loved Spider-Man. To me he was the most relatable superhero. He didn’t live in a mansion and he had difficulty maintaining relationships, despite his great power and even greater intellect. He was noble and really smart and very funny.
I also found that one way I handled teasing from others was I modeled myself on aspects of Conan O’Brien (an American television host, comedian, writer, and voice actor). I like those who approach almost all subjects with absurdity. I watched his show and observed that Conan’s sense of humor is to be self-deprecating. It is far more difficult for others to make fun of one if one is already doing so. It is quite disarming to them, yet also appealing. That helped me.
