Читать книгу The Loving Push - Debra Moore PhD - Страница 12

CHAPTER 3

How to Break Your Child’s Bad Habits— A Necessary Step So Your Child Keeps Moving Forward

Limits, like fear, are often an illusion.

—Michael Jordan

Hope is a function of struggle.

—Brené Brown, Ph.D.

It’s excruciating to watch your child experience emotional distress. Your natural instinct is to do whatever it takes to protect them from pain. Doubtless you’ve had plenty of practice doing the “rescue dance.” You grabbed them by the back of the shirt when as toddlers they yet again darted away from you to God knows what stranger or danger. Later you made “apology eyes” at waitresses/clerks/other moms as you rushed them out of the restaurant/store/party when they started to meltdown and scream the way only an autistic child can scream. And now, as they have grown older, you may find yourself turning away and backing off when they slam shut their bedroom door for the zillionth time if you inadvertently interrupt their never-ending video game.

These behaviors became habits. When your child was younger, they really did need you to be their proxy in a dangerous world. They relied on you to spot danger they were oblivious to, to speak up for them when they couldn’t find words, and to retreat instead of moving closer when they reached overload and couldn’t handle what would have been comfort to another child.

Now it’s time to break these habits. They no longer serve you or them. Your child is growing up, and they need to develop as much self-sufficiency as they are capable of. If you take on tasks your child is actually able to handle on their own, you inadvertently elicit feelings of ineptness and impotence. Trying to help when it’s not genuinely needed creates a sense of incompetency. Your child instead desperately needs (even if it comes with kicking and screaming) a sense of self-agency. This comes from handling tough situations as independently as possible.

The Teenage Years are Different for ASD Teens

If you have neurotypical children, you may marvel at how differently they navigated their teenage years compared to your child on the autism spectrum. It often seems like adolescence really never registers as a separate developmental phase for a spectrum child. They may enter into their teens seemingly unchanged. They might continue to pursue the same special interests and are usually content to entertain themselves in isolation. They prefer to stay home rather than joining their NT peers, who are now yearning to get out of the house and explore the world. You probably don’t have to worry about them drinking and driving, but it may seem like you’re going to be stuck chauffeuring them for life, since many have no apparent interest in getting a driver’s license.

This might not exactly describe your child, but you probably related to at least some of these common themes. Adolescence for teens on the spectrum usually has a very different tone and set of struggles than for neurotypical teens. While NTs are chomping at the bit for freedom from their parents, taking increasingly bold (exciting to them, nerve-racking to you) risks, and spending proportionally much more time with peers than with family, this isn’t the case for the typical spectrum child.

Instead, they may be retreating further into themselves. While their peers hunger for driver’s licenses, engage in sexual and drug experimentation, wear the hippest fashions, and attend parties, kids on the spectrum often don’t care about these things. More commonly, they actively disdain these urges. Yet you suspect that under their contempt and antipathy they may actually be lonelier than ever. And you’re probably right.

If your teen has no interest in typical adolescent pursuits, don’t sweat it. Autistic teenagers can sometimes basically skip traditional adolescence. Successful autistic adults often became involved in “adult” pursuits while their peers were busy fine-tuning socializing with each other. Socializing with teenagers is not a necessary life skill! As long as your child is active and engaged with someone (versus being reclusive or apathetic), it’s fine for them to hang out with adults instead of their peers. It won’t make them popular at school, but who cares? A successful life is not about popularity.

Teens Need Straight Talk

If you haven’t talked to your teen openly about their diagnosis, do it now. Hopefully you’re way past this point on the journey, but we realize there may be some readers who suspect their teen is on the spectrum, but haven’t yet received a diagnosis or brought it up. We can’t stress enough how strongly we believe that knowledge will serve you better than guessing. Your child already knows they are different, and they’ve certainly come up with their own explanation for that difference. Without accurate information and feedback, sadly they’ve most likely explained their differences to themselves in ways that are judgmental and demoralizing.

If you haven’t yet broached the subject of autism, you can start by providing brief written information. If you know there’s no way they’ll read anything, try just “happening” to be watching a YouTube video of a teen on the spectrum when you know they’ll be walking by (there are scores of really good ones online these days—use the YouTube search feature). Or do an online search and print out a self-diagnosis quiz or checklist from the Internet. Put it in their room. We are not suggesting that online screening questionnaires are sufficient for accurate diagnosis. They can, however, help provide an easy way to ease into a discussion.

Don’t be afraid to give them other books as well. When Temple was 15 years old, her Aunt Anne handed her a copy of Norman Vincent Peale’s The Power of Positive Thinking with instructions to read it. It made an impression that resulted in changes in her thinking and attitude.

Without repeated and vigorous loving pushes from you, your teen on the spectrum may continue living the life of an adolescent, forever frozen in time. They may be perfectly content letting you handle all the necessary tasks of daily life. For example, they may not see the need for driving, as they don’t have a vision that includes going to new places.

Living in Their Bedroom is Not an Acceptable Life

Neurotypical teens usually fantasize about their first apartment and yearn for the freedom it symbolizes. Your spectrum teen may instead prefer to keep everything the same—staying at home in their own bedroom, even with their old, childhood furniture. You know this is not healthy, but they may see no disadvantages to it. So it is up to you to make sure this doesn’t happen. Because left to their own devices, many of them will not make any plans for moving out and moving on.

Temple recalls old Mr. Patey, the headmaster at her boarding school, and how he would not allow her to become a recluse in her room. She looks back and realizes how wise he was. When she didn’t want to go to the regular Friday night movie at school, he told her she had two choices; She could either run the projector or sit in the audience, but she could not stay in her room.

She also had to show up at every meal. We think your child should, too. Eating in their bedroom has become a bad habit for some kids, and parents ignore it or even take food to them. You will help your child if you insist they come to the dinner table—not just to eat, but also to participate in conversation and in setting and clearing the table. Our world has gotten so busy that regular Sunday family dinners seem to be a thing of the past. That’s unfortunate, because they were a great opportunity for kids to learn manners and how to interact with extended family that often joined in.

Many Spectrum Kids are Afraid When They Hit Adolescence

Hopefully you’ve already taught your child a variety of living skills that have increased their competencies and overall maturity. But many lag behind their peers. Reaching adolescence brings new challenges. The teen and young adult years require a developmental stretch that is bigger than any they’ve faced so far. Children on the spectrum commonly fear change in general, and even if they don’t voice it, this heightens, and they are often profoundly afraid during adolescence. Few are confident they’ll make it as adults. They would prefer that you allow them to continue as children, playing the protective parent role just like you always have.

If your child is genuinely incapable of independently navigating adulthood due to more severe cognitive or physical limitations or mental illness, then of course you plan accordingly with appropriate support and modifications. But we are seeing too many teens and their families on the higher end of the autism spectrum mistaking challenges for incapacitating limitations. We cringe when some parents seem to assume that even their children of average or superior intelligence will spend their adult lives on disability funding. Our experience has been that most of these teens, with guidance, can shift into adult lives of successful employment and independent living.

Yet we are finding that many teens are dragging their feet. They are too comfortable with the status quo, and too nervous about the unknown. They desperately need your help. They need you to have faith in them even when they have none. They need you to transform your role of protector into that of encouraging advocate, champion, and loving pusher.

If you’re extremely lucky, your teen on the spectrum will self-initiate moving forward into new adult territory. But if they were showing signs of doing that, you probably wouldn’t have picked up or needed this book. So let’s assume your child is more typical—they are going to move forward only when you are behind them pushing! And they probably won’t go willingly—not ones to “lean in,” they may twist and turn and sag backwards like a dead weight!

This is a critical juncture in your child’s journey. Just when they are upping their resistance, we’re asking you to increase your offensive push. We could try to pretty it up and say “you’ll do fine” and “it’s not that bad.” But if you haven’t prepared for this period with a history of loving pushes, let’s face it—this may be a daunting stage. In truth, even if you’ve always worked hard to keep your child developing and maturing, this particular crossroads brings new challenges.

Why These New Challenges are a GOOD Sign and Part of Hope

In her book Daring Greatly, popular author and speaker Brené Brown writes that in her travels across the country she has found a growing concern on the part of parents and teachers that children are not learning to handle adversity or disappointment. She believes this is because we are always rescuing and protecting them. She points out that the concerned parents worried about their lagging teens are the same ones who are chronically intervening in their children’s lives. While she doesn’t specifically address autism, her thoughts about how parents inadvertently sabotage their children’s emotional growth are particularly relevant for children on the spectrum.

She points out that the impact of rescuing and intervening can range from unhelpful to downright dangerous. Why? Because depriving our children of the opportunity to struggle or even fail, and then recover, robs them of learning hope. We tend to think of hope as an emotion based on faith. We think of it as the feeling that “things will turn out for the best,” based in part on confidence and trust. It implies more of an attitude of calm determinism rather than an active, industrious stance.

But there is a large body of research on hope that shows it is not an emotion— it’s a specific way of thinking. It is an attitude that leads to concrete action. Emotions may play a supporting role, but they’re not the main source of the motivation behind hope. The backbone of the motivation is a mindset that leads directly to planning, exertion, and execution. And that inevitably involves struggle.

An Example—Patrick’s Father Demonstrates the Importance of Struggle

Patrick’s father wanted to impart the value of learning a healthy view of struggling, and making “mistakes,” and how to keep the faith when that happens.

I took Patrick to work with me. I’m a contractor. Contractors make mistakes and we fix them. So while he was there I was using a drill to put in a door lock and the drill busted out the other side. So I had to repair the door. Or you might hit a grain in the wood and the drill goes the wrong way and there goes your drill. It happens. So then you fix it.

He has this idea that I do everything perfectly—that other people don’t make mistakes and it’s always easy for them. I wanted him to see that’s bunk.

I want him to know we all struggle along the way. When I started in this work, my first job was sweeping. Then I dug holes. Then I carried lumber. Then they gave me a hammer. And now, 35 years later, I have people under me who sweep and carry and dig. No one starts at the top. He has this fear that if he gets a job and doesn’t know how to do it, something awful will happen. I tell him ‘they teach you’—if you get a job making sandwiches they show you their way of doing it. Your job is to remember and do it right. He’s too stuck on being embarrassed or a failure.

Your Child Needs Extra Help to Build Hope

Let us introduce you to “Hope Theory,” because it has major valuable lessons for parents raising children with challenges. Psychologist Charles Snyder was another researcher fascinated by the concept of hope and how it affects our health, work, education, and personal meaning. He outlined two pathways to hope.

First, he said hope is built on setting realistic goals. Our kids on the spectrum need help with this step. Ideas from parents, teachers, and other mentors are critical. If our kids aren’t exposed to various career options, experiences, and possibilities, they can’t have any realistic goals. With no exposure to feasible occupations, they are more likely to restrict their goals to unrealistic ones like becoming game designers, even though they don’t have any skills in that area other than playing video games.