Читать книгу The Loving Push - Debra Moore PhD - Страница 6
ОглавлениеMother knew that she had to “stretch” and lovingly push me just outside my comfort zone so I could develop to my fullest. She was always urging me to try new things but she made sure there were no surprises, because a sudden introduction of something new was scary. I was lucky to get into a good speech therapy program at age 2½ and after I learned to talk, she always gave me many opportunities to use my speaking skills. In our family, all the children had to do the job of party hostess and host. At age seven or eight, I had to put on my best clothes and greet the guests who had been invited over for dinner. This taught important skills such as shaking hands and greeting people. My two younger sisters and brother also had to greet all the guests and help serve the snacks. In the 1950’s, all children were taught social skills in a much more structured manner. My brother hated being a party host, but later in life, he admitted that it helped him talk to older men. This helped him become a senior vice president of a large bank. Even the normal kids benefitted from practicing learning to greet and talk to new people.
Debra Moore and I decided to collaborate on this book because we are both seeing more instances where fully verbal older children and young adults with ASD (autistic spectrum disorder) are not learning crucial basic skills for socializing and employment. We are both very worried about these youth, because without these skills, they are unlikely to be able to lead successful, independent, satisfying adult lives. If parents, teachers, and therapists of all sorts recognize the danger zones for these children, however, we can turn this around. That is our intent in writing this book.
At many different conferences, I am seeing a pattern of four things that are preventing smart children and adults with ASD from making a successful transition to full independence. Debra has seen these same concerns in the youth and families she worked with. These four things are a result of changes happening in our families, schools, and the world of technology.
1. ASD youth are being overprotected and not given enough opportunities to learn how to do things on their own. Too frequently, parents, teachers, or aides do things for the child that deprive him or her of the opportunity to make mistakes and thereby learn to solve problems on their own. For example, when I give talks, I meet teenagers with good speaking skills, but their parent does all the talking for the child. One time a mom started to ask a question for her child, and I said, “Your child needs to ask the question.” In this and most cases, I have been able to coax the child to talk, even in front of many people. They are then happy that they were able to do it. To help the child keep his nerve, I will warn the audience to hold applause until after the child has responded. Many kids with ASD just need additional time to get their words out.
I think moms often run interference for their children because they are afraid their child will be hurt when he/she makes a mistake. But to learn and grow, you have to make some mistakes. For example, my first attempt at teaching a class when I was in graduate school was a disaster. I panicked and walked out. To solve this problem, the next time I had prepared really good slides so if I panicked, I could fall back on them.
2. Our educational system has changed. Too many schools have removed the hands-on classes where many ASD or ADHD children or teenagers can excel. Classes such as art, music, cooking, sewing, woodworking, theatre, electrical repair, welding, and auto repair expose students to careers. A student cannot determine whether or not he likes something if they are never exposed to it. Patrick Stewart, who played Captain Picard on Star Trek, developed his love of acting when he was 12 and had the experience of performing in a school play.
Our kids need exposure both to open their eyes to options, and also to give them some preliminary experience in different things that could lead to a career. Parents and other adults in their lives have to take over what the schools used to do. We have to get our kids introduced to adults working in fields that could lead to careers. Some really good jobs where kids could excel are computer programming, skilled trades such as auto mechanics, and careers in the arts. Computer coding and the skilled trades are two areas where employers are having a hard time finding sufficiently qualified workers. These are areas of job opportunities.
We can take our children’s special interests and broaden them to many areas with potential for work. For example, if a teenager likes cars, we can use that interest to improve their reading (giving them auto magazines or instruction manuals), their math, and even physics.
3. Too many students with ASD are graduating from high school without having learned basic life skills they need as a young adult. These skills are necessary if they plan to attend college, get a job, or live independently without supervision. Some of these fundamental skills are driving or navigating public transportation, reliably being on time, having good social manners, maintaining basic hygiene, being able to follow instructions, seeing tasks through to completion, and being able to receive feedback appropriately.
We can prepare our children by having them do household chores from an early age, and do paid or volunteer work outside the home once they reach their teenage years. We have devoted a chapter to how to help your child learn these basics so they can succeed at work, in college, and maintaining a household.
4. Excessive video game playing has derailed too many kids. Too often I hear a parent tell me “He’s 21 and he won’t leave the bedroom.” We are now discovering that those on the autism spectrum are especially vulnerable to obsessive gaming to the point of addiction. Our book has an extensive chapter on how to prevent problem video gaming and how to work with it if a child, teen, or adult has already become addicted.
The “Loving Push”: Some More Examples
The purpose of this book is to help parents let go and give careful, loving pushes to get their child to try new things. Before we delve into the main part of the book, I would like to tell some additional anecdotes of getting a fully verbal child to do something new.
One time I was at a dinner with about eight people, and one family had brought their young teenage son who had been diagnosed with ASD. He had good speech, but like many kids who have had many things done for them, he clung to his mom and did not greet me. Since he only liked to eat certain things, his mom had brought take-out food to the dinner so he would not have to eat the food that was being served. After the dinner started, he proceeded to eat the take-out meal with his hands. At this point I said, “This is a formal dinner, use the utensils.” The child immediately picked up the fork and started to use it. He ate the entire meal with utensils and even tried some of the other food.
This is a good example of a “teachable moment.” When the child started to eat with his hands, I gave the instruction on what he should do. The mistake that is often made is for parents and teachers to say “no” instead of giving the instruction, which tells the child what he should do. A common pattern I have observed is that moms sometimes overprotect and dads want to see if the child is capable of more. After the boy successfully used the utensils, his dad gave me a “high five.”
The Importance of Opportunities to Learn Work Skills
During one of my many endless delays at airports, I had the opportunity to talk to a family who had a teenage boy who was really good at doing computer animation. The boy was shy but he was willing to talk to me about his work, and he showed me some of it that was on his tablet. When I have done talks at technology companies, I have seen many adults similar to him; kind of shy, but making a good living. With both parents, I discussed how their son’s abilities in animation could be used to create a summer experience that would teach important work skills. A big problem I am seeing with teen boys on the spectrum is that they are spending too much time alone in their room playing video games or some other pursuit. This kid needed some activities to get him out of the house. All that is needed is a little ingenuity to find something for him to do right in the neighborhood.
One member of the family commented that the pastor at their church had some video of a church picnic that needed editing and titles. This would be a great opportunity for their son, to get him accustomed to doing work outside the home. I suggested that the work should be done at the church offices. It is essential that he learn how to do work that somebody else wants. Mom admitted that she had a hard time letting go, even though the church was close by and he had already ridden there on his bike. I told her she needs to let go because the “birdies” have to learn to fly and develop.
When I was a teenager, I was never allowed to become a recluse in my room. I had to be at meals, attend church, and participate in family gatherings. Sometimes children with ASD have sensory problems that may need some accommodation, but too often the problem is parents who are afraid to give their child a chance to stretch their wings. A quiet office in a church is not going to have anything that would overwhelm her son’s senses, or be dangerous. The opportunity to edit somebody else’s video was an excellent example of a safe work experience outside the home. He will be able to start learning to use his creativity to make some original video for the show titles and edit the already existing footage into a show many will enjoy. This will require accepting instructions and thinking about what the entire congregation would want to see.
Mother had a natural instinct and knew how to stretch me in increments without causing too much stress. When I was a teenager, my mother thought going to my aunt’s ranch in Arizona would be a good experience to try something new. At first I was afraid to go. She gave me a choice. Choices are very important for children with ASD. It’s also essential to remember that sudden surprises can cause great fear. I knew about the trip to my aunt’s ranch months before I went there. I had telephone conversations with my aunt and I was given pictures of the ranch long before I went there. It was not a surprise. Surprises scare.
My choice was I could either go to the ranch for a week or stay all summer. Once I got there, I loved it and stayed all summer. There was always an opportunity for choice, but staying alone in my room in my house was never allowed. Providing choices, combined with advance preparation, gives a child a sense of control so that he can handle new life-expanding experiences.
