Читать книгу Reconnected - DH Steppler - Страница 13

Rising from the breakfast table, I pulled Michael along as I made my way to the rail, our first real chance to greet the new day on the same ocean. The wind blew my hair out behind me, a surprisingly chill wind passed through us – deep into our bones. I stepped closer to Michael as he put his arm around me and stepped that final step into me, igniting our connection and sparking and then blazing with the agony of knowing it couldn’t go anywhere. But, we could comfort each other and filter the inevitable agony through what ever means at our disposal. It didn’t matter, nothing mattered but his arms around me holding me possessively and smelling so delightfully of wild honeysuckle.

Michael whispered in my ear, “What are we going to do today?”

I was surprised that he was coherent when I couldn’t even put my own thoughts together, let alone speak them out loud. I knew that if I wanted to talk I would have to create some space between us and I liked things just as they were – warm, safe, loved, protected, and on the verge of uncontrolled passion.

Michael put his hands on my shoulders and separated us by an arms length; he looked into my eyes and said with all seriousness, “What are we going to do?”

With the space he created came some clarity for me. I took his hands from my shoulders and held them in front of me – more space and more clarity but our connection remained strong.

“Michael, I have some stuff I want to talk to you about but I’m uncertain about any of it.”

I began my dialogue. Michael just listened but kept his eyes on my face.

“Remember yesterday when I told you I was working on something that may free you from our connection?” He nodded.

“Well,” I continued.

“I’m, thinking that it’s not right that I make you wait. If it were to actually work you could have the next three days to step out during the ports of call. You can probably guess that I’ve waited out of self survival and fear. Fear is big.”

I could feel the heat of my emotion stinging my eyes. It seemed so important that he understood where I was coming from.

“As for completing the connection…that’s a touchy subject. I want to protect you from ruining the good thing you have going with your foreigner and at the same time protect my vows. So, the complete connection will be an absolute last effort. But, I promise that some time today I’ll make it happen for you at least. The action has to be a surprise so I can’t tell you when. I don’t know myself. I’ll have to see when an opportunity presents itself.” There I got it all out.

“I understood all that before; you’ve restated your point of view and I won’t argue. I do wish that you would not be so concerned with how our situation affects anyone else. Whatever happens between us is just that, between us.”

Then he drew me to him and wrapped his arms around me. See how easily he could makes things all better – the fear and anxiety just drifted away replaced with gratitude and peace, and a strong desire to get closer.

I closed my eyes and inhaled his scent, slipped my arms around his waist and squeezed him tight into me. He responded by adjusting his arms in order to put his hands flat on my back. We crushed each other with the hug. We stood motionless and allowed the beauty of our connection to bring us balance and peace and ease. It felt so good, so sweet, and so wonderfully easy. That was a pose that I could hold all day. It ended when Michael took my hand, hooked our pinkies and pulled me into his cabin.

“I feel like watching a little TV.” He led us to the pushed together beds and fluffed up the pillows and motioned for me to take one side. He grabbed the remote control and then joined me on the bed.

He found some sports to watch and was happy. I closed my eyes and took a nap.

I smiled as I saw him coming to me with open arms. We embraced and then kissed a long, passionate kiss. On the grass holed up in each others arms. He moved his hands over my breasts, getting to know them and luxuriated in their silkiness as he squeezed, touched, and felt them tenderly and possessively. We were naked, warm skin on very smooth warm skin. The progression was natural, he penetrated me. I hadn’t had sex in many, many years and knew that I was small and tight, the reason for the pain during entry but only initially. As he moved in and out of me, the pain gave way to pleasure and then the need to return that pleasure. “Oh God,” I moaned, “please Michael.” Before I could make another sound his mouth was on mine and I suckled his tongue when he put it in my mouth to taste me. I ran my fingers over his back and back side. My hands gripped his fanny, I pulled him to me, aiding in the effort to get deeper inside of me. When he reached his climax, I allowed myself to do the same. “Oh God,” I said again, “Oh, wow Michael.” I moaned his name and even that act was pure pleasure. I was hot from the physical contact and sweating so I lay very still but wore my smile as a badge.

When I opened my eyes Michael was watching me sporting a very sexy look all his own. He said, “I think I just watched you have sex with me in a dream. Don’t mind telling you it was quite a turn on. I’d like to make you moan like that for real.”

“Should I be embarrassed?”

I wasn’t. Having a dream didn’t break any vows and didn’t compromise his engagement either. I guess I could be embarrassed if I knew what I said aloud.

“I remember what happened but I don’t know what you could have heard.” I confessed.

“You said: ‘Oh God, please Michael’ and then you said ‘oh God’ and finally you said ‘Oh wow Michael’ and then you moaned.”

He made his voice sound all moany and sexy.

“It was so good to watch and hear that I committed it to memory. Any time in my life when I want to feel good, I’ll bring up that memory and I’ll be happy.”

He closed his eyes to bring the memory back and test his storage and recall method. He didn’t want to ever lose that precious vision of me in a made up paradise with him as the pleasure giver.

Enjoying his desire to see us together as we were in my dream; I smiled at him. He scooted close to my side, pulled our hooked pinkies apart in order to intertwine our fingers. The force of that change in the connect was profound. As the warmth spread over my entire body from head to toe as it did to Michael, I lay very still and concentrated on my breathing.

Still propped up on a stack of pillows I was utterly comfortable. It couldn’t have been more perfect and to top it all off, Michael pulled himself up on his elbow to look at me.

He leaned in close and whispered, “May I kiss you? It’s just that when you talked in your sleep and said my name, it was like you were kissing me. I wanted to kiss you but I didn’t have your permission.”

He waited while I filtered the request through my propriety meter. He was surprised when I reacted in an affirmative manner. He didn’t know that that was my opening for the ‘kiss back’. I was excited to see if I could pull it off but I was also a bit afraid for myself. But, oh my God, I saw how happy he was.

So, I went for it.

“Michael, may I give you a kiss back?”

“That would be good.”

He took his time making sure that things fit where he wanted them to fit. We were perfectly aligned; our positions couldn’t have been more strategic. He brought his lips to mine, and brushed them across mine a couple of times, so tender and exquisitely teasing. He then parted his lips to touch my lips with his tongue reaching inside. Then Michael brought his whole mouth down on mine in a domineering move.

“Ok,” I thought, “this isn’t going to be a peck on the cheek.”

In less than a heart beat I was lost in his kiss, his breath, his taste, his scent. “Wait…wait.” What was I doing? Oh God, Michael, never mind.

My hands were in his hair. I wanted to touch every part of him at once. I wanted to see the pleasure in his face. I wanted to hear his sighs and moans and every single utterance he had to say or not say. I wanted it all.

It was quiet at first but insistent, that voice in the way back, it was saying something. Go away voice I’m busy. It’s crazy how alluring a whisper can be. I listened and caught a bit on the wind “..focus..” I held still and listened hard. There it was “…Helen, focus…”

“Please voice,” I begged. I wanted to get lost in that experience.

“Be quiet for awhile.” Before I had to strain to hear it but the voice was getting louder.

“Helen focus on what’s right.”

Oh, I could hear it loud and clear. Was I supposed to answer that riddle while Michael’s lips were on mine? I’m pretty sure that would put the entire cosmic universe out of whack.

‘Helen, focus on what is right’.

Ok. I hear ya but on who’s right, on what I think is right or on what God says is right or what Michael thinks is right, or what?

When the answer came to me, all annoyance with the voice disappeared. The answer was to do what was right for Michael. I was starting to hate doing what was right especially when I got gypped in the process of doing that right thing. I needed to stop the current that was sweeping us away – a tall order and contrary to what I really wanted.

I slowly pulled my arms out from around his neck and wedged them between me and his chest. I needed to put some space between us. Like I said, I’m a slave to my principles.

Wow, that was a long kiss. With my hands flat on his chest, I pushed out and away from me. He was immovable; I put more force into my effort and had to gradually add more and more force until finally Michael ended the kiss. I didn’t know if it was because of my pushing or if it were the natural end to his kiss.

As soon as his lips were away from mine I wanted them back but I knew the ‘kiss back’ would only work if he was at rest and relaxed, so I used the space Michael created when he ended the kiss to get a clear head.

“Michael,” I whispered. “Please hold me tight. Help me stop the progression of the reconnect.” I knew that he didn’t want to and I’m sure he knew that I didn’t really want to but I needed for it to stop.

Michael laid his entire body on top of mine and removed all support. It felt like a heavy blanket was thrown over me. As he went limp and became a dead weight, I wrapped my arms around him and held tight and then didn’t move. I could feel his breathing on my face and neck. His breath was sweet and the musk scent was back mingled with the wild honeysuckle. Lordy, it was a heady combination and one that could derail my best intentions. Like I hoped it would, the calm returned.

“Michael that was difficult to come back from.”

But Michael wasn’t hearing well just yet. He needed more time. We continued in our immobile state for minutes more before Michael rolled off of me and held my hand and then finally hooked pinkies.

We took our deep sighs and synchronized our breathing; we gained control once again.

Neither of us said a word as we lay there allowing the calm and balance to return. Our sighs were simultaneous and the pull that wanted to complete the connection lulled into an intense desire and then to gratitude and then to a focused concern for each other.

Michael found the remote control and flipped through the channels looking for what, I didn’t know. I felt like crying again but just concentrated on our breathing – actually on Michael’s breathing. It was pleasurable to hear his intake of breath - steady and even like mine.

There was apparently nothing on TV that interested him as he clicked off the power and tossed the remote onto the night stand.

There was silence for a long time. We were in our own heads.

“I’m sorry.”

I heard Michael whisper.

“I shouldn’t have done that. But in my defense, who knew the connection would take over?”

I felt like arguing that we both knew the connection would take charge. We both knew what this odd entity would contribute to the ridiculously insistent pull to ignite our passion. What we didn’t know was if we could stop it – now we knew.

“You are a slave to your principles and I guess I’m a slave to my libido.”

“There’s no need to apologize. We’re in this together and I allowed it – no I encouraged it. I wanted it, too. I wanted you and still do.”

Then I added, “I’m not mad about it, as a matter of fact, I’m proud of us. We were on the brink but were able to pull ourselves back. We’ve gained more than a modicum of control. The process was painful and made we want to cry again.”

“I was completely into it; I was lost in the moment. I felt you taste me when you sucked on my tongue – a move I’ve never experienced before. It was awesome but will take quite an effort to recall due to how completely lost I was.”

He was quiet for a moment, thinking of the experience, I’m sure he was trying to bring it to his mind so he could lay it out to look at and examine every angle. Well, anyway that would be me.

When I could tell that he was thoroughly relaxed I asked, “Well, do you think I can have my kiss back now?”

Michael pulled himself up onto one elbow and looked at me. “I felt you kiss me back.” His eyes were puzzled.

“Oh, that was just me participating in your kiss. This would be my kiss back, my control.”

“Helen,” he said as he thought about what he should do.

“I don’t think, after what we just went through that’s a good idea.”

“We just proved that we can handle this and I’m not about to let you go back on your word.”

He knew there was a chance that we couldn’t stop it. His worry, his concern was for me – knowing how important my principles and vows were to me. He wrestled with the idea of going against my wishes and breaking his promise. He told me so. I ignored his fears and positioned myself for the kiss back.

“This is my kiss, Michael please resist the urge to take control. During this kiss you’ll feel a change. When you do, please don’t pull apart from me, instead lean into me or touch me with your hands. I need us to stay together.”

He smiled and said, “Ok, you’re in control, I can handle that.” I hoped he could.

I put his lower lip between my lips and tugged gently, and then I slipped my attention to his upper lip – gliding up and a bit sidewise. It was difficult to keep my concentration when I felt the softness of his lips. It was so nice, so completely sexy. I snaked my tongue into his mouth. At first I just tasted him and felt the strength of his tongue trying to get involved. I froze – he stopped – I continued. Caressing the inside of this upper lip, I gauged how far I would need to explore before I found the vulnerable spot. “A ha!” I thought there it is. At first I just explored around it but I didn’t want Michael to get aroused before he was ready so I sped up the process. My tongue began to massage the membrane – a slow easy manipulation – back and forth in a circular motion.

I knew it worked when I felt Michael stiffen slightly then lean into me, putting his left hand on my breast. His orgasm was intense – he moaned an ‘Oh my God’ moan and at that point was in no condition to take control away from me. He rode those spasms and clung to me almost as though he were frightened. I enjoyed his predicament when I heard his soft guttural sighs and endearing whimper. When all the shaking and convulsions ceased I still held control over his lips. I pulled my mouth from his after I puckered and finished with a sweet smooch.

We just laid there, our bodies touching but nothing hooked up. Our breathing was deep and fast but still in unison. As I lay there I wondered if Michael was yet free of me, free of the pull of the connect.

After a time Michael said, “We should probably do that again. That was the most amazing thing I have ever experienced. All I could think of was how much I loved you and wanted to return the feelings. I felt you stop and then I remembered that I wasn’t supposed to take control.”

“From what I’ve been told, it’s a one time deal, plus, it’s supposed to be a surprise.” He frowned when I gave him that news.

“Well, we should try it anyway just to make sure. It’ll be your turn next. I can’t wait to try.” He was animated and happy.

I was still waiting for him to come to his senses and walk away from me, but helping him give the kiss back could be an interesting experience, one I’d take part in.

“If we are going to try it again, we need a break. I’m starved; let’s order lunch and go out to the balcony; I’m getting withdrawal pangs for the balcony.”

“I’ll order and then we could have a catch.” Michael suggested.

“Before we do anything, I’ll need another trip to the bathroom.”

“We can certainly order lunch before we go there, can’t we?” Michael said.

“Ok, I guess we can.”

“Michael can we try doing these two things at the same time. I’ll use the bathroom and you order lunch? It would be a short disconnect.”

“I think that’s pushing it and I may get anxious.” I could see the trepidation in his eyes.

“Let’s be verbal. Talk to me if there’s an issue.”

“Like that will do a lot of good when you are in the john with your drawers down; you aren’t going to want to come running to me when you haven’t finished your job.”

“I see your point.” So what’s your suggestion?”

“We can stay connected while we do these two things, we will probably have more opportunities to test the connection when we’re on the balcony and at lunch.” He was pretty clear.

“Ok.” I didn’t want to push it but I was dying to know if the kiss back worked. I was also thinking of trying it again like Michael suggested. Having him deliver the kiss back might be something good for me, especially with the power of the connect behind it. Those were new thoughts that I’d share with him after I developed them a bit.

We stood close while Michael ordered lunch and I just pointed to items that I wanted. We knew the routine, it would be 30 minutes. We headed for the bathroom and our temporary disconnect and the ‘through the door thing.’ I didn’t hesitate, as soon as we got to the door, I opened it, rushed in, did my business, washed my hands, and head to the door said, “I’m coming.”

Michael was waiting for me with open arms. We embraced and held on for a minute. He found my pinkie and pulled me to the balcony. That was smooth.

We settled ourselves on our chaise lounge chairs with our feet together for a quick game of catch.

I squealed with joy when Michael missed the first pitch I threw to him. Yes, I threw it very hard but that was the game. He didn’t like it one bit and said that he needed to warm up before it counted. He peppered it back to me and it would have gone into my balcony if I hadn’t really stretched to reach it. He was impressed that I was able to save his fast and wild pitch.

I was starting to wonder about Michael and his true ability at the catch. The connect may have been assisting him more than we knew – probably like it was assisting me.

Sadness swept over me like the fog in San Francisco Bay. I was pretty sure that Michael was beginning to lose the connection between us. I wondered if he would be honest with me and tell me about how he was feeling. I shouldn’t be sad because that was what I wanted. Maybe I was just worried about myself and my need.

He caught the object I threw to him. I tried not to let up on my pitch so that I would know for sure but he caught it without any trouble. We played back and forth for awhile and maybe he really did need the practice. We were working up a pretty good sweat when the knock came from the room service staff.

Lunch arrived and was served on the balcony again. We ate without incident except for a few minutes right after we were finished. I thought I could drop the connect while we were seated close to each other, so I released my grip on our pinkies. Michael felt the change and looked at me like I was trying to steal his wallet.

“What are you doing to the connection, Helen?” He sounded irritated.

“I just wanted to see something. I think we should test to see if anything has changed in the connection mostly for you because of the kiss back. We are sitting right next to each other, if there’s a problem, we can hook up immediately.”

“Oh, ok,” Michael said as he let go of the strangle hold he had on my pinkie. Some of his frustration evaporated but he was still on edge. I watched and paid particular attention to the connection between us.

I still felt connected. “Michael, do you still feel connected? Tell me what you are feeling?”

“I think we need to go back to the stateroom and try something else. I’m feeling exasperated and on the verge of anger.”

He didn’t answer my question. The hair went up on the back of my neck. Something was wrong. Did I screw everything up with that stupid kiss back?

Putting my hand on his, I stood. “So, let’s go.” I said as I pulled him up.

We took care of the remains of the lunch stuff.

We stood at the door of his stateroom after the lunch chore was handled looking at each other and then we looked at the pushed together beds.

“You are going to talk to me aren’t you? Do you have something in mind to do while we’re in here?”

I had a bunch of questions that I’d like him to answer but I’d be satisfied if he just responded to those two.

“We should try the kiss back on you even if it won’t be a surprise and you have already experienced it.”

He continued.

“What I’m feeling is a loss. I need this for you. I need to please you and I am frustrated that I am not allowed to. Can’t we try?”

Trying wouldn’t be bad except we didn’t know what the connect would do.

“Are you saying that we are now out of balance?”

I wanted to understand what was happening with him so that I could be part of the solution.

“That’s exactly what I’m saying.”

“Ok, do you think you can remember what I did to you for the kiss back?”

“I say we try and if it doesn’t work we try again and if it still doesn’t work, then we try again and so on and so on.”

He was wound up and maybe a bit out of control. I surmised that Michael was partially disconnected and needed a stronger connection to maintain any kind of calm. Did the kiss back do that? Everything I assumed had become suspect.

“This’d be another experiment and one with all kinds of issues.”

I was pensive and trying to figure it all out. It seemed as there were so many more things to consider and to worry about. When experimenting, it’s important to chronicle every step or things get out of control.

“Michael, our control has improved but if we go off half cocked we may lose all of what we have gained. I think we need to protect the control we have managed to garner and look at this emergence of change and add it to our collective knowledge.”

“Oh crap, Helen, I can’t think like a scientist right now. I can hardly think and all I’m thinking about is releasing some of my pent up appreciation on you. I am going to explode if I can’t let loose of some of it right now.”

After seeing the pained look on Michael’s face I walked to the pushed together beds and brought Michael with me – actually he followed like a puppy. As I crawled onto the bed, I was holding Michael’s hand inviting him to join me. Another look into his eyes showed a different emotion; he adored me. If his eyes could they would be caressing me with sweet endearments. As it was, they made me blush – I mean come on, nobody deserves that kind of fervor. I guess he really liked the kiss back.

I didn’t want to actually throw caution to the wind; I wanted to make things right and I was pretty sure that if we just started experimenting without thinking it through, we could put things more out of balance.

“Michael, as I think about our balance and the changes that kiss back may have caused, I join you in thinking that showing me your appreciation is a good idea, a viable idea, and an idea that must be chronicled.”

I watched his face as my words were digested. His eyes focused on me in dedication and support - made me want to cry again.

Looking into his eyes stopped my breath; I wanted to lunge at him and be lost in our connection. But, I was thinking of the success of that experiment. Could his appreciation balance the connection? When would we know to stop? Would Michael know?

I must have looked like I was ready to Michael because he slid his body down the side of mine until his lips were at my ear.

“Thank you,” he whispered, his breath sent shivers down my spine.

Starting to give him some instruction regarding the kiss back but when our eyes met he shook his head and put one finger on my lips. I didn’t know sign language but that was pretty clear.

My eyes were smiling at Michael; his intention shining in his eyes. Why would I want that to ever end? It was clear that he wanted his appreciation to take on a lot of different forms.

I thought, “I’m about to go for a ride; everything will be fine. This sweet fellow adores me.”

Just as my patience was about to fray and I couldn’t bare him being so close with the aim to kiss me he made his move with the right amount of strategy and urgency.

Our faces were aligned; we stared into each other’s eyes. Like magic we were drawn together so that our lips met ever so softly, tender enough to break your heart. We both inhaled deeply; the rewarding scent was toping on the cake. Michael claimed my mouth as his own. I was transported to some far away place where I could feel everything, all my senses on alert. The urge to put my hands on him was more difficult to control than one would imagine. He, on the other hand was quite controlled - every move deliberate and measured.

I couldn’t say exactly how it happened but we were enveloped by some kind of invisible binding. When the wave hit, it was like a slow electric pulse that rippled down our bodies radiating from our lips and traveling through to our extremities. We leaned into each other, both of us moaning in appreciation. I wrapped my arms around him in order to hold on.

“Oh my God, Michael.”

My words were part of the ride. The pulsing began for real. The feelings were so intense I remember thinking I was coming apart at the seams as the vibrations undulated through the core of me. The pleasure was so exquisite it was nearly painful. I began to understand why Michael was so urgent in his request to please me. He was pleasing me beyond and back again. Just when I thought the ride was at an end, the feelings would swell and the pulsing began again. The rise and fall of that climax left us completely spent.

Was the balance back? Don’t know how it could be as Michael was pleasured as much as I was. The kiss back was extraordinary and the information I’d been given turned out to be erroneous, well if you have the connect on your side, I’m pleased to report.

Michael collapsed on the bed next to me. We were both breathing hard and in harmony. I felt his twinkling eyes on me, smiling at me and with me as he brought my hand to his face to brush my knuckles with his gifted lips. It was obvious that he was pleased with himself and wanted me to tell him how it was for me.

We just smiled at each other for a few minutes while I gathered my thoughts. I wanted to give him a good accounting of what went down for me.

“Michael, the first thing to report is the surprise of if all. From the moment your lips touched mine, I was enraptured.”

His smile widened and I continued.

“It was obvious that you didn’t follow the procedure to the letter but your spin on the kiss back may have been the reason I was able to experience it again. Though, I will have to say that I don’t ever remember having that intense of an encounter ever in my whole life.”

Michael wanted to have a conversation.

“Tell me about how it felt for you when the wave hit.”

I remember wanting to talk after sex with my husband but he was never really interested in a discussion; he just wanted sleep.

Closing my eyes in order to bring back the experience and retell it to Michael must have been a turn on for him because he kissed me lovingly on the forehead.

I started anew.

“I felt our breathing stop suddenly when the wave hit us. I say us because you were feeling it, too. Knowing that you were right there in the experience with me made it all that much sweeter.”

It was easy to see that he wanted more so I continued.

“Keeping my hands out of the equation was at first difficult but in the end it proved to be impossible. I needed my hands on you if only to hold on and to keep me anchored; I might just have drifted away in a dozen different directions.”

I took a slow deep breath.

“The pleasure was beyond anything in my memory of experiences and just when I thought I couldn’t stand it a second more, it started again and I reveled in it and what’s more I could feel you do the same. It was intense and superb; I am so happy to have the gift of recall.”

I knew the ability to summon up that experience would save me in the future when Michael was no longer in my life.

“Ok, it’s your turn to talk,” I said.

“Give me the account from your point of view, please.”

“It was different than before possibly because I was in control – well, I was in control in the beginning but somewhere in the middle there I was swept away, too.” He stopped to get on top of his thoughts.

“At first I thought of the process as an ordeal – it was going to be work impressing you and properly showing my gratitude. As it turned out, it wasn’t like that at all. The kiss was the beginning of the most satisfying experience I’ve ever had. Being with you while you were enraptured was doubly sweet for me because it was like you allowed me to join you in the most intimate and personal experience - not to mention my own involvement and internal reactions.”

We laid there for another hour talking about the loveliness of the whole experiment – scrutinizing every aspect of the way the kiss back affected each of us. There would be silence for a few minutes and then one of us would recall something to share and the discussion would begin anew. Finally we gave another hour to a conversation regarding the connect and where we might be standing after that kiss back.

We were connected still and we both agreed that we had the balance back. We felt at peace but were a bit wound up wanting the happening not to ebb. The real concern for us was the disconnect; would we be able to disconnect without the disorientation and pain – a big question we had yet to see about. In reality we were putting off discovering whether or not the disconnect would be difficult. I was putting it off because it may be too easy and then Michael wouldn’t need me anymore; that would be the beginning of my sadness. The reasons for Michael putting off discovering the state of the disconnect were not evident to me. I knew that we would eventually have to face whatever the disconnect brought us. I also knew that when we actually decided to find out, we’d be strong for each other.

For a bit we just stayed in our own heads. Thinking about each other and how we were so good at showing our gratitude and giving the other pleasure. I didn’t bring back the whole event but parts of it I examined and relived with my eyes closed. Michael was also wrapped in his own thoughts - thinking about something very pleasant, no doubt, because his smile betrayed any privacy he may have thought he had.

Michael broke the silence, “I’m going to have use the head; how about you?”

“Yeah, me too.” I said but I needed Michael to know everything so I continued, “To be completely honest and I think that’s necessary for us, I’m concerned about the disconnect – not because I’m afraid of the difficulty but because of the possibility that the process would be too easy.”

There was that puzzled look again. I needed to explain further.

“I’ve grown accustomed to your needing me and that loss would be big for me. Don’t get me wrong, I want what’s best for you, I’m just saying…”

Poor guy, how was he supposed to respond to that? It wasn’t very smart of me to include him in my thoughts of woe.

His response was the product of clear thinking.

“Remember that you are talking from the paradigm of the connect; the disconnect would probably give you a different prospective all together. Please let’s wait and see. You know that we are capable of tackling anything – we’ve proven that more than once.”

Michael got up and pulled me with him. We headed for the bathroom and the disconnect. While we made our way, Michael gave me a pep talk.

“Hellie,” he used MaSoeure’s nick name for me which felt good.

“If the disconnect is difficult please remember that I am on the other side of the door; be sure to use your whole body if necessary. When it’s my turn in there and you start to freak out, just come right in and get reconnected, you know I won’t mind.”

He opened the door for me but positioned himself in front of me halting my entrance into the bathroom. He put his arms around me in a calming but possessive way. I felt a jump in our connection – made me happy to realize that everything hadn’t changed completely. He stepped aside and I ran in to handle my business. I was fast as usual, peed and washed my hands. Michael opened the door when he heard the toilet flush. He stepped in, stood behind me while I washed my hands and applied lotion and asked, “Are you ok?”

I backed up into him to get the reconnect. He increased the effect by putting his arms around my waist. I left the bathroom but stayed in full-body contact with the door. The connection felt strong; I honed in on Michael to see how he was doing and was pleased to see that he was fine, no anxiety at that time. I still kept tabs. I brushed my hair and put lotion on my hands and Chap Stick on my lips. After quite sometime, I checked in on Michael to see that all was still fine and took the Michael Creighton book from my bag and started reading.

When I heard his “I’m coming.” I was all into the book. Either the connection was strong or I didn’t need it as much as before, I felt no stress but I was eager for him to be back.

He stepped out of the bathroom, wrapped me in his arms, kissed my neck.

“It’s awesome to be back; thank you for smelling so good.” That was yummy!

He took my hand and we went to the balcony – straight to the rail. Our ship was a dot in the ocean and we were dots in the ship and yet I felt terribly important. We stood there at the rail until the sun was too bright in our eyes as it was falling into the distant horizon.

We moved back into the alee of the balcony to the table that had been there since lunch. We sat with our faces looking out to sea. The air was soft and felt as though it were that way just for us.

Michael put our hands on the table mine on the bottom our palms touching. As he spoke, he played with my fingers.

“I’m hungry it’s 6:30; is that too early to order dinner?”

“I’m hungry, too. An early dinner sounds good to me.” I told him.

He was distracted by what he was doing with my fingers. I flashed – he’s testing the connect to see if motion still had the same affect on me, on us. If he were to ask me I’d tell him that it felt really good, probably better than it should, the sensual pull had not changed. I waited to give him space to think and to see what he was up to.

Looking over at me, still playing with my fingers, he said, “Did I tell you that you have wonderful hands; that I really like your hands?”

He brought my hand to his lips and stroked my finger tips across them. He was still testing the motion thing.

“You mentioned it.” I answered.

“That feels nice. Are you testing my resolve?”

It was a mild challenge.

“Why, is this bothering you?” He asked playfully.

“My resolve is intact but that is because I am very strong and able to resist the desire to kiss your neck or kiss your hand or kiss anything of yours that I can get my lips on.”

He stopped all movement allowing me to gain some perspective. It only took a minute for me to show Michael what I was feeling or very near to it. I turned my hand over so that it was on top of Michael’s hand and started playing with his fingers.

At first he looked at what I was doing to his hand and then slowly he looked over at me and nodded his head.

“I see. Stop that.”

He was experiencing the same feelings brought on by movement that I had.

I stopped and just laid my hand on top of his, until there was balance and peace for both of us.

“Holding your hand is good.” He was saying, ‘at least I have that.’

“Let’s go order dinner.”

We did and then went back to the balcony where I packed a bowl to have after dinner or before dinner, whichever came first.

Michael asked if I’d like another catch. I said no that I just wanted to think about what happened during the day and feel the peace. I don’t think he was really into a catch either but just in case I mentioned that it might be good after dinner. He was happy and pulled the lounge chairs side by side and we sat together with his hand on top of mine in relative silence until dinner arrived.

We were interrupted by Denice for a few minutes to tell us she would be dining with Manny and the group and could she get me anything. I just reminded her to leave the slider open for me. She produced the room key and said, “Just in case.” She asked Michael if he beat me at catch – couldn’t tell if she was hoping that he had or she wanted to prove her point about me never losing. He told her that he had a rematch coming up after dinner so he still had hope. She laughed, gave me a sidewise 5 and was on her way.