Читать книгу Reconnected - DH Steppler - Страница 3

Henry and I had been separated for ten years. I still performed certain household and personal tasks for him such as: his weekly shopping; his hair cuts; paying his dental bills; Sunday night dinner with the family and, of course, all organization of anything family related. And, for the first few years, every now and then we would indulge ourselves in some personal wrestling, the pat and tickle kind, if you catch my drift.

He was a difficult man to live with but I didn’t live with him anymore and I’d found peace. I still tried to share the good things in my life with him but I was a bit “gun shy,” so to speak. I’d extended so many invitations in the past to exciting events, adventures, travel, happenings, cruises, dances, musical concerts, and the last thing was a promotion party in my honor. His response was usually negative and sometimes brutally mean. Or he would say yes and then change his mind at the last minute, leaving me in a lurch.

So what was I doing? Why was I putting myself through that again? I was a glutton for punishment, I guess. Those were stupid questions because I knew why I did it over and over again. I’d always been a woman of hope. I’d always honored my marriage vows and had always tried to improve things for us and the rest of the family, too.

Even though he’d rejected my requests time and time again, I persevered. I have to marvel at myself because each time I was sure he’d say yes. My requests (invitations) were simple, never elaborate, always trying to make it easy for him.

That was such a special invitation. I’d found a cruise to Hawaii that I wanted to take. I’d acquired and set aside the funds. It was time to bring the subject up at Sunday dinner.

To put him in a receptive mood, I made his favorite meal for the occasion. After dessert, I invited him to smoke a quick bowl; a little pot always improved communication between us. The bowl dusted, I showed him the trip brochure. My invitation was basic; not wanting to leave him with anyway to misunderstand.

“I‘d like for you to take this trip with me; are you interested?”

At first he just stared at me so I continued in a flurry of words.

“It’s already paid for and won’t cost you anything except for 15 days of your time.”

“No,” he said and brushed the brochure away.

His word was flat, without a hint of indecision.

“I’m not that kind.” Then he walked out of the room in an irritated state.

‘Helen, you should be used to it by now. Why are you so upset?’ I wondered, ‘What was I missing? I was a dimwit who would never be able to understand it.’ The man told me over and over again that he loved me and wanted me to move back in with him. I tortured myself constantly trying to make sense of him.

People told me that it wasn’t me and that the problem was with him. That could be true, but I was pretty sure if I wanted things to change, it was up to me to make the effort, every effort. So I thought for a minute, ‘Had I made every effort’? We were supposed to be partners; that’s all I ever really wanted, a partner to dance through life with. Honestly when I said my wedding vows, the part about in good times and in bad, I had no idea how long the bad could last. Who knew that it could engulf my entire youth and threaten my twilight years, as well?

An old saying comes to mind that Henry used to throw at me now and then. ‘Don’t throw good money after bad.’ I had a small paradigm shift. ‘I’m not going to throw anymore good years after bad’. The truth hit me like a slap. He’d been done with me for a long time but hadn’t the guts to say it outright. I was moving on and going where love was an action word and not a tie that binds. Ok, I would still honor my vows, because that’s just me. But I was busting loose.

It took a full fifteen minutes to compose myself before I was in any shape to rejoin the family. I put on a happy face and went to the porch to have ‘a catch’ with the kids.

My daughter Margaret, alias Lulu, was particularly sensitive to my moods. She came to me and put her arms around me.

“I love you, Helen.”

She had taken to calling me Helen a few months back and I found it funny and endearing the way she said Helen with emphasis on the last syllable – hel-Len.

While she was hugging me, my sons Kevin alias Pete and Ollie alias Mr. Moon joined us to make it a group hug. Those three people understood better than anyone the issues that I had to deal with when it came to their father. Henry had always been on the peripheral of our family. His real life was separate from ours. We annoyed him often and he referred to us as ‘you people’.

While we stood there with our mini love fest going on, knowing that these were the people in my life who I love and who love me, was enough for me. It was definitely time to seriously refocus.

Margaret, squeezed between her brothers, I could barely hear her.

“Time for a catch. I need some air.”

Ollie and Kevin laughed but didn’t move. Soon we were all laughing at her being trapped in a group hug.

The ranking for the ‘catch’ changed over the years but for the most part it went like this: Me, Margaret, Ollie, and Kevin. So when we started the catch, Kevin, the lowest ranking player, or ‘the lesser player’, addressed the rest of us verbally giving credit to the order of our ranking but mostly giving honor to the highest ranking player, or ‘The Greater Player’, in the catch which was me. After the formal stuff was taken care of, he had the honor of releasing the initial pitch for the catch or ‘the first engagement’.

There were two new comers to the catch so they had no ranking. “Lulu,” Kevin rang out his choice of the initial recipient of the object. Then he pitched it to her trying to use a distraction by looking at me while he threw it to her.

She laughed at his attempt to distract her but had no problem catching his pitch and returning it to him using a distraction of her own. She said, “Oh,” and bounced on her chair and kicked her leg into the air. It didn’t distract Kevin but it sent Ollie, Jeff, Kathy, and me into gales of laughter. Kevin started to put a little heat on his pitches but speed didn’t bother any one of my kids. It was always the distraction that would derail them.

Margaret caught his next pitch and called, “Helen.” She pitched the object to me using her new curve as a distraction. It was a really good one because I bobbled it with my right hand and had to grab it with my left just before it was to hit the floor. But even so, I sent it back to her with a new spin of my own. She copied my bobble intentionally so that she could distract the next player.

“Ollie,” she called and sent it to him from the floor. He laughed as he caught the object and sent it back to her with his signature fast pitch. It practically hit her in the head before she got her hands on it. We all whopped to show our appreciation for his speed and for her save.

“Jeff,” Margaret called bringing him into the catch and sending him the distraction of a slow pitch, a high lob that kept him guessing but eventually he caught the pitch and threw it back to her a bit wild. Every one of us laughed at how hard he tried and his crazy wild pitch. Margaret caught it but nearly fell from her chair.

“Kathy,” came Margaret’s call and the pitch went in her direction. Kathy made all of us laugh because she carried with her the most intense look of seriousness and purpose and she had a constant distraction of nervous urgency. Kathy caught the pitch and joined the catch with a forceful return of a straight fast pitch. Again we whopped for her speed.

On red alert because Margaret had established all of her catches and didn’t have to warn anyone of her intent for the rest of the catch and she also had the option of bringing in a new object. Each player started the catch with 3 objects and could enter new objects after completing a ‘true catch’ with all players in the group.

I was pretty sure that I would be her target. Sure enough the object came flying in my direction aimed to my left which made me catch it in my left hand. When the kids were little, they made me hold my right hand to my side and only use my left hand for the catch. After they got older and better at the catch they allowed me to use my right hand again so that my speed would help them improve.

“Mr. Moon,” I called and sent him a fast side arm. As soon as I released it to him, Lu’s new object entered the game and came to my left side with serious attitude. Not lowering my left hand, I caught her pitch.

“Jeff,” I called and sent him object number 2 in the catch.

Ollie’s pitch came back to me nearly before I could release my pitch to Jeff. I caught it and sent it to Kevin just in time to receive Jeff’s return pitch. I sent that pitch to Lulu as she was trying to bring a new object into the catch.

Kevin caught my pitch and sent it back to me hard and Margaret tried to beat his object with speed as she sent object 2 to me only a millisecond after Kevin’s hard pitch was on its way. I caught a pitch in each hand and pitched them at the same time one to Kathy and one to Jeff. Then I picked up object 3 and introduced it to the game as I sent it to Ollie.

Jeff called, “Kathy,” and pitched it to her a bit wild again. Before Jeff could release his pitch, Kathy called, “Jeff,” and sent her object to him with dead on accuracy. It hit him between the eyes and bounced onto the floor. Jeff let out a cry of painful defeat. Unfortunately for Kathy, she got a partial hand on Jeff’s pitch and it ricocheted off over her head and hit the floor eliminating her from the catch, also.

Ollie seized the opportunity of the double elimination distraction to unseat Margaret with a flicked pitch and she had to dive for it. She barely reached it and volleyed it in Kevin’s direction. Kevin had to dive but he caught it and sent to me. I caught it and sent it to Margaret as I saw that she was about to introduce a new object. As soon as she caught it, I grabbed another of my 3 objects and added it to the catch. I sent it to Margaret just as she had released her pitch to Ollie. She saw the new object too late and it bounced off the end of her finger and off in a direction that no body in the game could get to.

There were now three players remaining, Ollie, Kevin, and me. Playing with three players was a real challenge and a free for all.

While Margaret was being eliminated, Ollie pitched the object to Kevin and Kevin caught it and sent it back to him using a distraction they tried on me when they were little, you’d think they’d know better.

I entered my last object into the catch, unleashing it on Kevin as he sent the other object back to Ollie. Kevin had to move fast to catch the pitch I sent him and he did. When he caught it, I think he surprised himself as he surprised both Ollie and me. Ollie bobbled Kevin’s pitch and was eliminated.

Kevin and I were in the final battle. Kevin sent his fastest pitch ever to me. I screamed with joy as I saw the speed of it for a split second on his return. I caught that pitch and let the momentum of its speed help to propel it out of my hand as I sent it back to him in a wicked underhand. It hit him square in the chest but he couldn’t catch it.

Our next group catch would start with a new lineup in the ranking but I was still ‘The Greater Player’.

You might ask where Henry was during our catch, well, he was inside watching TV, probably some game that he had money on. He only tried to have a catch with us once but I think he got embarrassed because the kids were so good and he was the first to be eliminated. His bruised ego kept him from trying again. That’s my take on it anyway.

Everyone was gone by 8:30, leaving me in my messy house to clean up before I went to bed.

I didn’t mind taking care of my home and cleaning up. I did it with love and I valued the work it took and also valued how nice it was when it was clean and organized, my favorite.

When the dishes were washed and the floors swept, I went to my garden to say a few words and to get some solace from the peace that surrounded the growing vegetables. I talked to them and encouraged them to do their best and without even knowing it they helped me feel better about myself.

I thought about the short conversation I had with Henry and how badly I’d let my feelings get hurt again. “Shame on you, Helen don’t ever do that again.” I scolded.

Systematically locking-up was part of my routine and every detail was taken care of before I headed off to my room.

After I’d taken care of my evening bedtime routine, I set out my clothes for work the next day and packed a bowl. Alone in my room I smoked and dusted that bowl and then crawled into my giant bed.

Slumber didn’t take me for awhile and when I finally fell asleep; my sleep was disturbed by a strange dream. I was wearing a big black hat at someone’s funeral but couldn’t tell whose. I was the only one in black amongst a sea of party colors. Nobody talked to me or even acknowledged my presence. As I was leaving, I turned in the doorway to send some kind of good bye to someone and I heard a voice.

“I guess I’m sorry but I think the real problem was that you tried too hard.”

In my dream Henry was standing next to me but he wasn’t talking to me. He was looking to his left. I looked to see myself laid out in a coffin. Seeing me in the coffin was not anywhere near as disturbing as hearing him say those words, ‘…the real problem was that you tried too hard’.

When I woke up at 4:30 a.m. the dream was still vivid in my memory and I wanted to get rid of it. I went into action, like I do every morning. If all of my business was taken care of, I got to watch the sunrise which has always been a great way to welcome and honor the day.

In the shower I released tears that were part of a mourning process. I was saying good bye to all that went before and crying for a few minutes in regret over taking so long to get the picture. ‘Seize the day’ would be my new motto, so that I don’t ever have to mourn how I’ve used any portion of my life.

Before the sunrise, my sister and I started plans for our third Hawaiian cruise.