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CHAPTER 2

The White Man Commandments

‘The only good Indian is a dead Indian.’

— General Philip H. Sheridan

‘The only white man you can trust is a dead white man.’

— President Robert Gabriel Mugabe

‘Can’t we just all get along?’

— General Emir Osama Bin Laden¹

Let’s get deep.

Depending on who you are, where you are, and how lucky you are, the words ‘white man’ probably evoke imagery of a three-toothed Jerry Springer contestant clutching a Bible, a gun, his cousin’s hand in marriage and a fourteen-word manifesto (possibly something along the lines of ‘we must secure the existence of our people and a future for white children’ or ‘because the beauty of the White Aryan woman must not perish from the earth’).

The key downside to such people also happens to be their biggest upside from a black professional’s perspective. They’re extremists and therefore easy to curtail, manipulate and, politically, castrate.

There is a gulf of difference, however, between a white man and a White Man.

A White Man has the capacity or ability to direct or influence the behaviour of others or the course of events, which is, of course the definition of power. Real power. Absolute power. White Man power.

A ‘conventional’ white man has white skin, sometimes precious little more, and the illusion that it makes him somewhat special, important or desirable. It doesn’t. It grants him some privilege, possibly vast privilege, but it doesn’t for one second make him a White Man.

So, if the White Man doesn’t care about a heap of English Defence League fodder, exactly what does he care about? What drives him? What does he live by? What are his values?

Thankfully, respectable scholars (principally myself) have identified the following pillars of White Man-ism, especially in the corporate space, or, as they’re now known, the ‘White Man Commandments’.

The White Man Commandments

1. Power is everything and winning justifies anything.

2. Politics trumps performance.

3. Compassion impedes progress.

4. Victory is only complete upon the absolute humiliation or, preferably, humiliating death of an opponent.

5. Racism has immense strategic benefit.

6. Reality is whatever a White Man (or at least a white person) says it is. Otherwise known as the ‘I’m white and I say so’ rule.

7. Activism is a societal ill but occasionally a useful tool.

8. Sex is a tool, a weapon and, otherwise, merely entertainment.

9. A White Man must be respected, feared or, at least, loved.

10. The White Man is God – exemplified by the beliefs that Jesus is white, Columbus discovered America, William Shakespeare is a better storyteller than Christopher Wallace, Elvis is King, the Beatles are the greatest, etc.

It is absolutely critical that you master and remember these Ten Commandments. Doing so will help you understand the motives, motivations and indeed mechanisms of the White Man and, to a much lesser extent, but by extension, quality white people (popularly known as ‘the middle class’). It will also help you understand how, why and when black people adapt and adjust themselves – whether by nature or nurture – in predominantly white environments. Finally, mastering these pillars will also help you better understand and appreciate all the advice, tips and squalid suggestions I offer up to you.

As you progress through this book and, subsequently, your rise to power (i.e. career), you will notice that the values and mindset on display in the Commandments seep through much of what the White Man does, how he thinks and why he wins. And then, how you overthrow him.

187 Quick Dos and Don’ts: 1–17

1. Do cape for whiteness as if your life depends on it: your career certainly does.

2. Do follow your passion. If you’re able to work on something that you’re passionate about and truly love, then it will make working twenty thousand times as hard as your white peers that little bit more bearable.

3. Do demonstrate all the ‘proper’ emotions in a convincingly exaggerated manner and eulogise profoundly on the death of a mediocre yet widely loved (by white people) white celebrity. Or a tusk-bearing wild animal.

4. Don’t wear a bow tie and a black suit if you’re a man. Don’t wear an all-white nun-like habit if you’re a woman (it goes without saying that a niqab, hijab, burka or durag are absolutely out of the question). Anything that makes you look like a member of the Nation of Islam – or, even worse, a ‘conventional non-prison Islam Muslim’ – is career suicide.

5. Wear cheap non-branded glasses to interviews even if you don’t need them. It softens your image and indicates a vulnerability (as opposed to blackness). Plus no one who ever wore glasses ever did anything black.

6. Do – *deep black sigh* – relax your hair or maintain an unkempt level-one cut with no partings, waves or fade. Your naptural Angela Davis afro will induce rampant perspiration, fear and spontaneous urination. Gents, embrace your Uncle Phil-style baldness; a Tupac-like clean scalp may remind white folk of Tupac.

7. Do resist the urge to quote rappers during job interviews.

8. Do be inspired by the business moves and drive of rappers. They are some of the foremost entrepreneurs and successful risk-takers of our time. Well, the ones who read their contracts before they sign them are.

9. Do keep your ethnic festivals firmly to yourself when in the office. Kwanzaa, the independence days of certain African and Caribbean nations, Jay-Z or Beyoncé’s album release day, the fall of Apartheid celebrations and so on are all events which should be celebrated privately and firmly away from the eyes, ears and fears of white folk.

10. Don’t wear Evisu, FUBU, Rocawear or Karl Kani on dress-down day. Tommy Hilfiger and Ralph Lauren (but certainly not US Polo Association) should be worn conservatively.

11. Do take full advantage of the coloured people time ‘stereotype’. Showing up on time in black skin is occasionally enough to exceed expectations. And then get the door politely slammed in your face.

12. Don’t put a picture of any of your legitimate black heroes on your desk, or on your professional or even mobile phone screensaver. No Malcolm X, no Angela Davis, no Fela Kuti, no Harriet Tubman, no Bernie Grant, no Mr Marcus, nothing. A doctored picture of you cuddling Winston Churchill or Margaret Thatcher would be wise.

13. Don’t ever stray from MLK when asked who your black heroes are. Do force yourself to tear up when his ‘I Have a Dream’ speech is evoked for the billionth time in a blatant attempt to pacify you.

14. Don’t smile or tear up when any of MLK’s non-cuddly thoughts are brought up, especially things like his ‘Letter from Birmingham Jail’.

15. Don’t profess love or admiration for Malcolm X. In fact, condemn Malcolm for being ‘too extreme for me, too negative, too divisive’. Don’t forget to wash your mouth out with hot bleach afterwards.

16. Do ‘perfect’ your diction, i.e. sound as white and polished as possible. This is critical. Sounding remotely like a 21st-century Stepin Fetchit will damage your career irreparably. ‘Speaking well’, i.e. speaking like very well-to-do white people, will help your pocket swell.

17. Don’t discuss politics, especially not international politics. But if you’re forced to, then see to it that you are extremely anti-abortion, anti-immigration (with the exception of people from places like Sweden, Norway and, of course, Australia), anti-diversity, anti-women’s rights, pro-for-profit jails, proprison-linked slavery, pro law ‘enforcement’, anti-skin beyond a certain shade of brown, PRO LEAVE (and then possibly bomb) THE EU, MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN … !

1 Osama Bin Laden didn’t really utter these words. Rodney King did. Both had significant squabbles with white men in uniform.