Читать книгу Ghosted and Breadcrumbed - Dr. Marni Feuerman - Страница 10
ОглавлениеIt’s hard not to analyze why someone would be averse to intimacy and closeness with others. We have a lot of information from the social science field that says humans are hardwired to connect with others. This phenomenon is part of our evolution and critical to our survival as a species. Yet reality tells us that some seem to choose social isolation. Some people may also refuse to risk the potential rejection that comes when seeking connection with others. These individuals are not going to make themselves vulnerable to that type of emotional risk. Now that we’ve discussed the big picture in chapter 1, let’s take a closer look at science to uncover the deeper reasons why some people avoid connection.
Attachment
It is beneficial to understand the basics of what is called attachment theory in the context of dating and relationships. Attachment theory is based upon work by psychologist and researcher John Bowlby that he started in the early 1950s. Attachment is about how we develop deep bonds with those we depend on. The first bond is most often with a parent, since we are not born with the ability to take care of ourselves. We are entirely dependent upon a parent or a substitute caretaker. How reliable and consistent the care is influences our sense of security with ourselves, the world, and others. These early patterns also create a blueprint for how we behave in romantic relationships. The core of this involves how we think about and know what we need and the ways in which we get those needs met. Several patterns, or “styles,” evolve from the safety and security of this initial relationship. We have either a secure attachment style or one of three possible insecure attachment styles.
A person with a secure attachment style is able to easily identify his or her needs and be comfortable reaching for other people to get those needs met if necessary. Securely attached people are also at ease meeting the needs of others, such as a romantic partner. In general, this style emerges from an overall happy childhood with consistent caregivers who met both the physical and the emotional needs of the child. The three insecure styles are anxious, avoidant, and disorganized.
Those who have an anxious attachment style, also known as “ambivalent” or “preoccupied,” seek a lot of reassurance, as these names imply, and become anxious when separated from a partner. Sometimes, they are viewed as “too needy” or simply “insecure.” This is often the result of inconsistent caregiving in childhood or a highly anxious parent.
Those with an avoidant attachment style, also known as “dismissive,” minimize their need for others or even deny having such needs. This frequently arises from the unavailability of a caregiver early in life, which left the child to take care of him- or herself or manage difficult emotions alone. Their view of relationships is quite negative.
The last category, disorganized attachment style, is also known as fearful-avoidant. People with this style often desire intimacy and connection but fear them at the same time. Hence, they give a lot of mixed signals and display “come here / go away” behavior. This style is often a result of childhood abuse, trauma, or severe inconsistency in parenting.
Typical behaviors of those who have any of the insecure attachment styles can also be viewed as coping strategies. They may have worked well in childhood or perhaps were needed for survival, but they work poorly in adult romantic relationships. For instance, a person who avoids conflict at all costs may be reacting to early bad memories of conflict within the family.
It’s important to know that we all have an attachment style. Attachment styles should not be considered normal versus abnormal. Your attachment style is affected by not just the quality of your parenting but the quality of your experiences with others throughout your life. It is significantly affected by how secure you feel (or don’t feel) within a relationship and how you respond to feelings of disconnection. Attachment is also a topic separate from mental illness. Some people may have a mental illness, “bad genetics,” a personality disorder, immaturity, or some combination of these things that is to blame for their transgressions or uncaring behavior.
Types of Emotionally Unavailable Men
Who are these men who behave poorly in romantic relationships? Do they all have an insecure attachment style? I would venture to say that many of them do. I have categorized these men using “profiles” that characterize their typical behaviors both when dating and when relating.
The Married (or Already in a Serious Relationship)
The ultimate unavailable man is the one who is already committed in some capacity to someone else. This person will also fit some of the other profiles listed below. I thoroughly explore this situation in chapter 3.
The Long-Distance Lover
You and he do not live in the same area. Such relationships often become passionate, and when you do see each other it is exciting and fantasy-like. I am definitely not saying that these relationships never work out. I know that they can, and not all participants in this type of relationship are emotionally unavailable. But some are, and purposely do not seek relationships with those they can see regularly. Just beware of how easy it is for him to hide from you who he really is. In fact, some men may purposely choose someone who won’t be privy to their day-to-day life for any number of reasons. Keep in mind that you must live in the same area to actually get to know each other and see if your relationship can really work out.
The Personality-Disordered
Perhaps he is a narcissist or, worse, a sociopath. Regardless, he keeps you around for his own exploitive or opportunistic purposes. He may be looking for validation of his good looks, virility, and manliness. He may lack both empathy and sensitivity to how his actions affect you. His feelings are the only ones that really matter. He is likely charming and confident as well, which can quickly suck you in.
This type might just be using you. He could be getting what he can for his own good out of being with you. This is not always sex. You may be offering him a place to stay or financially supporting him. If he is married, you may be the transitional person to help him out of his marriage. Regardless, love is not his motive.
Those with personality disorder traits also have the uncanny ability to make you feel like you are the one with the problem. He may be capable of committing to you in some respects, but understand that he will never love you as much as he loves himself. He may be in a position of high power owing to his career, wealth, political position, fame, or all of the above, and women often find this extremely attractive. Those in positions of leadership, control, and power are often admired by others and effortlessly capture the romantic attention of women. Just remember: he expects to be the “dotee” not the “doter.”
The Nonmonogamous
This man is incapable of monogamy or will pretend to value faithfulness but be unable to sustain it. He may lie to keep you as a sexual partner for as long as possible. He may have a sex addiction, only view women as objects, or think monogamy is boring. This guy may be a player already involved with others, or he might not tell you he’s married. You may find out on your own, or he may drop a bombshell after you are heavily involved. He is good at compartmentalizing and keeping secrets. He is also good at hiding his other dates while keeping you in the running. There is a coldness or an aloofness about him. He can keep you off balance, making you feel desired one moment and ignored the next.
The Addict
A man of this type has some chemical involvement (a drug or alcohol problem) that causes him to be inconsistent in his behavior. The behavior may run the gamut from being “out of it” to being aloof to being hyper when you are around. You may not know he has an addiction at all, because many addicts are creative at hiding it. Your gut may tell you that something is wrong, but you can’t put your finger on it. If, and when, you find out, everything seems to click. Unless you want to get high with him or be his enabler, you need to run.
A trickier addiction is addiction to work. Workaholism is still a socially acceptable addiction. You may certainly admire him for his fantastic work ethic at first. Before long, though, you will feel the frustration of lonely nights and events missed because of his work schedule or constant meetings. Your guy should be working hard but not working constantly with zero work/life balance. An addict will not be there for you in your times of need, leaving you hurt and disappointed. The only thing you can rely on is his unreliability.
The Hot Mess
This man is emotionally unavailable (perhaps temporarily) owing to some tragedy or misfortune occurring in his life. A hot mess may have just lost his job or someone close to him. He may very well be a great guy, but the timing is unfortunate. Getting involved now is not a good idea. Keep in touch from a distance, and wait for him to get back on his feet before you consider anything more serious.
Another man may be more seriously impaired for the long run. He might be a “mama’s boy,” or maybe he’s too close to his sister or his buddies. He has a weak sense of self and is too needy and dependent on his current attachments to properly engage in a healthy adult relationship. His emotions are tied up in others, leaving little or no room for you. Alternatively, he may have trouble saying no to others. His boundary blurring will suck up all his energy and the time that he could be spending with you. He has to work out these dysfunctional dynamics before he is ready for a mature relationship with you.
The Straight-Up Avoider
A man such as this experiences much ambivalence about relationships and commitment. He is the type who has feelings for you but, because of past bad experiences or a bad childhood, isn’t able to commit or show consistency. This is the guy you can never seem to get close to. He holds his cards close to the vest. He doesn’t share his feelings and is evasive when asked. He may stonewall you when you fight, shutting down and refusing to talk. It is incredibly frustrating for you to have his physical presence but no emotional presence. The more you push, however gently, the more you are pushed back.
With this type of man, you will never develop the closeness and connection required for a successful long-term relationship. He may epitomize the fearful-avoidant attachment style: he might desire intimacy and closeness but get freaked out by it at the same time. He may be holding resentment because of his last broken heart. He may seem like a “victim” of circumstance. Or he may just be cynical and depressive, unable to get out of his own head. He might also be the one you had a great first date with, but then — poof — he disappears. Life is incredibly complicated for this person. This one may be the most innocent of the bunch, and you might be tempted to continue with him to be helpful or because you feel so sorry for him. It is, however, a terrible idea to do so.
I have tried to make this list of profiles as exhaustive as possible so you can get a sense of the characteristics commonly seen in people who are emotionally unavailable. As you can see, there is a variety of men who are emotionally unavailable for many different reasons. We have some idea of the reasons these men are the way they are and act the way they do. Much of it is likely explained through the lens of attachment theory. A lot is also explained by the man’s personal life experiences and situations, both past and present, that influence him. We can’t leave out the genetic or biological influences, either. The good news is that you do not necessarily have to know the exact reason why a man is acting as he is to make the changes you desire in yourself and find a healthy and loving relationship.
Emotional Unavailability Checklists
Here are two checklists of some signs indicating that the man you are with is emotionally unavailable. Take a pencil and put a checkmark next to the ones that apply to your current situation. (If you are not currently dating or in a relationship, think about your last relationship.) If you have checked off several items on this list, it is very likely you are with an emotionally unavailable man.
He has a wife or a girlfriend.
He ruminates about a past relationship or frequently talks about how much an ex hurt him.
He seems detached or cold.
He seems unresponsive to my feelings or needs.
He keeps himself listed on a dating app or website while dating me.
He does not introduce me to friends or family.
He excludes me from important parts of his life.
He keeps exes around and calls them all friends.
He can go for days without contacting me and is difficult to get in touch with.
He won’t spend any money on me (but spends it on himself without a problem).
He stresses that he needs a lot of “space” or time to himself.
He seems to constantly get angry at the little things.
He has a lot of difficulty articulating his feelings.
He avoids conflict or quickly shuts down during an argument.
He dismisses me easily.
He rarely asks how I’m doing (or about my day / my thoughts / my feelings).
He lacks self-confidence or gets down on himself easily.
He won’t leave anything at my place.
He won’t let me leave anything at his place.
He has said he can’t stand “needy” women (which many of his exes seem to be).
He says all his ex-girlfriends are crazy.
He avoids affection or physical intimacy (except sex).
He does not update his relationship status on social media.
His mood can change at the drop of a hat.
He avoids talking about deep or difficult topics.
He evades questions about our future.
He refuses any “relationship” talks or discussions about “us as a couple.”
His view of relationships seems unrealistic or akin to romantic fantasy.
He is selfish, self-centered, or self-absorbed.
He is hypercritical or seemingly nitpicks at a lot of things.
He has said outright that he fears commitment.
Tune in to your gut feelings about the man you are dating or are in a relationship with. If you check off a few of the following statements, then, here again, it is likely you are with someone emotionally unavailable.
I think and feel as if...
I don’t know whether I am coming or going in this relationship.
I don’t really know him.
I don’t know where I stand with him.
I am not appreciated.
I am not important.
I never seem to be on his mind.
He brings out the worst in me.
I am in a constant state of anxiety.
I am manipulated or fooled by him.
My self-esteem is plummeting.
I am uncharacteristically suspicious or jealous.
I am preoccupied with him and the relationship.
I would get nothing from him if I didn’t push for it.
I am the only one bringing up important topics to discuss.
I am the only one who discusses our future together.
I can be abandoned by him at any minute.
I am last on his list of priorities.
I must up the ante to get his attention.
My gut is trying to tell me to move on.
Sometimes, the signs are subtle. Let’s take a look at the example of Amanda and Sam. They were set up by friends. When they met, they hit it off right away. They had a lot in common, and there was a strong physical attraction. Their relationship followed an ordinary course in the beginning. Sam was consistent and always called when he said he would. There truly was no way to know that Sam was emotionally unavailable until several months into the relationship.
It wasn’t a dramatic shift but a gradual one accompanied by a handful of red flags. For instance, after their first fight, Amanda was upset but thought she and Sam should discuss everything and try to resolve things. Sam wouldn’t talk to Amanda at all. He just refused to address it. Amanda became even more distressed at being shut out. After three days of stone-cold silence, he called her as if nothing had happened. She was perplexed but also relieved that he’d finally reached out, so she didn’t bring it up. But then it happened again. Amanda got shut out and was let back in only when Sam was ready.
She also began to sense that Sam would talk about topics only on a superficial level. He never talked about his feelings. He would get evasive and uncomfortable when she would ask. Amanda realized that if she stayed with Sam, she would be doing all the emotional heavy lifting in their relationship. She asked him if he would go to a counselor with her to try to resolve this, because they were getting serious and she loved him. She was heartbroken that he refused and stated, “I am who I am. Do not try to change me.” Amanda made the painful but smart decision to break up with him because she knew she wanted to connect deeply with a partner. She also needed someone who would not abandon her after a fight or disagreement. Sam was a “straight-up avoider,” and Amanda stayed clearheaded enough to see the signs and tune in to her gut feelings.
On the other end of the spectrum, the signs are much more apparent. Some women find themselves in a particularly hellish existence with a sociopath or a narcissist. These men go beyond emotional unavailability by also being emotionally abusive. Take Laura and Craig. Laura was kindhearted and caring but naive. She was swept off her feet by Craig in the beginning. A few months into their relationship, he began to get jealous and controlling. She constantly had to reassure him of her love and commitment. Sometimes, he would fly off the handle at her over small things.
She began to question her sanity and would blame herself for upsetting him. He would go from loving to ice cold at the drop of a hat. When she tried to break up with him, he would cry and say he would change, but it never lasted long. She really wanted to end the relationship but worried about hurting him and ended up feeling trapped. It took a friend, her family, and a therapist to help her find the strength to finally get out.
Emotional Unavailability versus Emotional Abuse
I’d like to be clear about what constitutes emotional unavailability and what constitutes emotional abuse. It can be a very fine line. Abuse is not always as obvious as being hit or shoved, called degrading names, or cussed out. In fact, it can very well be underhanded or subtle. You may find yourself feeling confused about the relationship, off balance, or as if you are walking on eggshells all the time. This is the kind of abuse (also called mental abuse or psychological abuse) that can sneak up on you as you become more entrenched in the relationship.
Psychological abuse occurs when one person in the relationship tries to control information available to the other person to manipulate his or her viewpoint or sense of reality. This abuse often contains strong, emotionally manipulative themes and threats intended to make the victim acquiesce. In addition, most abusive partners are skilled at convincing the victim that the abuse is his or her fault. Somehow, the victim is responsible for what happened. If the abuse causes you to doubt your own memory, perception, or sanity, this means you are being “gaslighted.” Examples may range from the abuser denying that previous abusive incidents ever occurred to staging bizarre events with the intention of confusing you.
Abusers at times will throw you a bone, so to speak. I have heard too many times that a partner was “nice,” “complimentary,” “gave me a gift,” and so on, as if this should erase all the bad treatment. You need to understand that this is part of the dynamic and cycle of abuse. In fact, it is rare for abusive relationships to not have these (often intense) moments of feeling good, excessively sincere apologies, or attempts to make up for the bad behavior. These moments can cause you to cling to the hope that the relationship will change, and the abuser knows this.
It’s important to remember that emotional abuse is absolutely not your fault. Abusers are expert manipulators with a knack for getting you to believe that the way you are being treated is your fault. These people know that everyone has insecurities, and they use your insecurities against you. Abusers are adept at convincing you that you do not deserve better treatment, or that they are treating you this way to “help” you. Some abusers even act charming in public so that others have a good impression of them. In private it’s a different story, which is baffling. Given that this abuse is cunning and hard to recognize, I have included a checklist that will help you more easily tell when it is occurring.
Emotional Abuse Checklist
If the man you are seeing displays even a handful of the following signs, you are in an emotionally abusive relationship.
He humiliates or embarrasses you.
He supplies constant put-downs.
He is hypercritical.
He refuses to communicate.
He ignores or excludes you.
He has extramarital affairs.
He engages in provocative behavior with the opposite sex.
He frequently uses sarcasm and an unpleasant tone of voice.
He displays unreasonable jealousy.
He exhibits extreme moodiness.
He makes mean jokes or constantly makes fun of you.
He says “I love you but....”
He says things like “If you don’t ______________, I will ______________.”
He exhibits domination and control.
He withdraws affection.
He guilt-trips you.
He makes everything your fault.
He isolates you from friends and family.
He uses money to control you.
He constantly calls or texts you when you are not with him.
He threatens to commit suicide if you leave.
If you now realize that you are in a relationship with someone abusive, I urge you to get out — with professional help if needed. You may feel that you love this person, but he does not love you or respect you. I assure you that, in time, you will get over this person if you break it off. You are worthy of a kind, loving, and respectful relationship.
If you recognize yourself in these descriptions and stories and are finding that you must face the reality of your situation — your entanglement with someone emotionally unavailable (or, worse, emotionally abusive) — you are in a decidedly tough spot. No one wants to let go when the feelings of lust or good chemistry have already taken hold. The following chapters will guide you to fully understand why and how you may have ended up in this situation now or repeatedly. They will also provide you with a road map to letting go and explain why doing so is vital.
