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CHAPTER FOUR

MAYBE IT’S YOU

Why on earth would someone continue to put herself repeatedly in situations that cause her pain? It is a question that may be unanswerable in its entirety, but we can certainly look at some of the potential reasons. Looking at yourself in the mirror is no easy task. Most of us either avoid it or operate from the perspective that we don’t need to do it. Insight levels relating to self-perception can fluctuate widely. People can go from having an immense amount of insight to having nearly none. People vary on a continuum ranging from extremely psychologically healthy to severely disordered. And unquestionably, people vary significantly in their motivation, and perhaps ability, to make personal changes. Given this phenomenon, I ask you to stay open-minded enough to explore and consider what you are about to read in this chapter.

Let’s break down the reasons you may repeatedly find yourself falling for men who won’t, or can’t, love you back. I emphasize again that this is tough to explore. It may bring up some feelings of sadness, anger, or shame. This is normal, however, because it is impossible to scrutinize our flaws without some of these feelings coming up. The good news about having these emotions is that emotion can be a huge motivator. Think about anything you do in life. If you didn’t feel emotionally moved to do it, you wouldn’t do it! Commonly, the only other time we do what we do is to avoid punishment or some other negative consequence. Strangely, people can suffer many adverse effects in a lousy relationship yet keep forging ahead. When it comes to matters of the heart, our feelings can guide us to what we need to do to feel better. So, let’s now take a look at some of the reasons that may be contributing to your relationship choices.

You Are the Intimacy Avoider (Not Him)