Читать книгу Ghosted and Breadcrumbed - Dr. Marni Feuerman - Страница 11
ОглавлениеThis chapter is dedicated to the woman who has found herself in love with the quintessentially unavailable partner — the one already married. The affair may be an emotional affair or both a physical and an emotional one. An emotional affair is a relationship with someone married that is close and intimate but without physical contact. These often morph into full-blown physical affairs because usually there is undeniable chemistry between the two individuals. Quite often, a woman drawn into such a relationship had no intention of having an affair with someone married. If you have had such an affair, you might say that “it just happened.” Another scenario is that you did not even know he was married when you met. He put himself out there as single. When you found out, perhaps you had already fallen in love. Regardless of how this relationship came to be, such situations are particularly distressing when you want more — when you want him all to yourself.
It repeatedly happens that women enmeshed in affairs become anguished while deciding what to do with this kind of relationship. Most likely they fit the description of one of the three types of insecure attachment styles. Furthermore, certain personality traits considered virtuous and positive may create a double-edged sword for these women — for example, being empathic, hopeful, strong-willed, passionate, and loving. These women have a natural tendency to empathize with a man’s situation if he is unhappily married. A strong-willed nature and hopefulness keep them holding out for a happy ending. These are passionate women, and they finally have someone who appreciates it. Having a loving nature makes it a challenge to merely stop loving him and think that there might be someone else to love! If you are in this predicament, your good intentions have serious unintended consequences.
Take Kathy’s situation. She considers herself an “empath,” someone who easily becomes attuned to other people’s energy. Empaths intuitively perceive and experience the feelings of others. The danger for empaths comes when they also take on the emotions of others. They may even do so at the expense of their own needs. Women like Kathy frequently attract their opposite — those deficient in empathy, such as sociopaths and narcissists.
Kathy felt Matthew’s pain very deeply. He always looked distressed, and when she asked him if everything was okay, he took the opportunity to pour his heart out about his troubled marriage and how his wife didn’t appreciate him despite the many things he did to try to please her. Kathy felt a pull to comfort him, and of course, she felt so bad about his circumstances. He seemed like a great guy. Before long, she was doing way too much to comfort Matthew. The boundaries between his own pain and her pain for him became utterly blurred. She was in a full-fledged affair by the time she realized she had made a huge mistake. Interestingly enough, now she could never do enough to please Matthew. In his eyes, she was always doing something wrong. Then, it dawned on her that she was probably feeling the way his wife felt — Matthew never believed he got enough care, love, and attention; he was always unsatisfied.
Women pursue relationships with men who are already taken based on their feelings and chemistry. The men, however, may only be looking to fill a need. Some men act out of selfishness and self-righteousness — they just want the physicality of the relationship with you. But those trying to fill an unmet emotional need aren’t simply focused on the physical. If they’ve been rejected by their wives, they may also feel unloved, unimportant, or hurt. Hence, the problem-solving state of mind: “I can stay happily married (or at least somewhat satisfied) and keep my family intact by maintaining an affair.” This probably isn’t a conscious thought, but it is likely a factor at play.
The profiles of unavailable men discussed in chapter 2 are also typical of married men who have affairs. However, if you have fallen for a married man, he most likely fits the narcissist profile. It is easy to get fooled by this type of person. Narcissistic people are often especially attractive and charismatic. They appear self-assured and confident. Others perceive them positively even before having any sort of interaction (a phenomenon called zero acquaintance)! Ironically, though, others’ perceptions become highly unfavorable as time goes on.
Married men who have affairs tend to have been avoidant in their past relationships, and they surely are with their current spouse. They don’t face problems head-on. They lack proactive behavior and problem-solving skills. They avoid confrontation. They turn to someone outside their marriage to get their needs met or as a coping strategy of sorts. They often come from dysfunctional families. They may have had cheating parents, or they saw a cold and unloving relationship between their parents.
The chances are excellent that the married man you are involved with picked you opportunistically. He may have some feelings for you, but it’s more probable that he just enjoys the physical aspect and excitement of the relationship. He is absorbed in the fantasy and fun that this relationship brings. And if he actually did leave his wife for you, you both would eventually find yourselves in a regular relationship. Following the stereotype, he would tire of your nagging, overspending, or PMS-ing, and you would tire of his clothes on the floor, his spontaneous farting, and his tuning you out every Sunday for football. And if in fact he is a narcissist, you are heavily involved with someone insensitive, self-absorbed, and manipulative.
Magical Thinking
Men who are cheating on their wives are not the “good ones.” These are not men of integrity. You can easily get caught up in magical thinking about the relationship you have with this type of man. Magical thinking may also come up for you when you consider someone not necessarily taken but emotionally unavailable. Here are some examples of this thinking:
• He really loves me; he made a mistake getting married to her.
• He would never cheat on me once we’re together for real.
• His wife must really be so _______ (fill in the blank: bitchy, cold, nasty...).
• He’s my soul mate; there can’t possibly be anyone else out there for me.
• We have a special connection.
• I am supposed to be understanding because ______ (fill in the blank: he has a child, he is a victim of a bad circumstance...).
• I can make him happy in a way she couldn’t.
You get the point. This thinking will keep you in this ongoing cycle of highs and lows with this person.
Common Threads among Affair Partners
Affair partners tend to experience one or more of several themes. Here are some of them:
• It is often a lonely and isolating experience. You might have to keep this part of your life hidden from friends and family. You often suffer in silence.
• You have one of the three insecure attachment styles that gets activated by your married partner.
• You may not have known your partner was married when you met, and now that you have fallen in love you’re already thinking it’s too late to get out.
• You experience a great deal of anxiety (fear, rumination) because you are involved with someone married.
• You recognize that your values do not align with your actions.
• You try to focus much more on the positives of the relationship and reasons to stay the course.
• You invest a lot of time, resources, and energy in the relationship, making it hard not to see it through.
What’s the Deal with His Wife?
You are probably very curious about your man’s wife. You view her as a rival who is standing in the way of your happiness. You may know her personally, or she may be a stranger. Regardless, your perception and knowledge of her are based mostly on what your man tells you (and doesn’t tell you). If your man does talk about her, you probably hear all the horrible things she does. If you know her and see her in a good light from your experience, you may not know what to think. His words don’t fit what you see or know. However, if you don’t know her, you can easily believe his convincing point of view. In fact, you will do whatever you can not to be like her. You will want to prove to him that you can make him happy. It’s part of the cycle that keeps you hooked.
Some men won’t even mention their wives. They refuse to discuss her or become quite good at evading any questions about her or the marriage. They have superior compartmentalization skills. This will drive you nuts! You will do whatever you can to try to find out about her. You will also look for reasons to consider her awful, to justify your behavior with her spouse.
Diana did just that. She was Jon’s affair partner for several months. He would not tell her why he was unhappy with his marriage. She stalked his wife on Facebook and saw that she and his wife had a friend in common. First, she was taken aback by how pretty his wife was. Diana made up a silly reason to ask her friend about Jon’s wife. She was even more disheartened to hear that the friend thought so highly of her, saying she was thoughtful and kind.
There are several primary reasons (excuses?) your man will give you to explain why he is having an affair. I list some of them here so you can recognize that hearing them may keep you stuck trying to be the one to make this relationship work.
• “I’m not in love with her anymore.” He may not understand how love evolves over the course of a long-term relationship. He is also equating love with lust.
• “She never wants to have sex” or “The sex is boring.” For many, the novelty and excitement of married sex will never compare to the excitement of affair sex. The spouse may be very attractive and sexy too...it really doesn’t matter.
• “She doesn’t take care of herself” or “She gained a lot of weight.” Your man will highlight her undesirable traits and how she has let herself go.
• “She doesn’t understand me.” This is a big cliché and probably a big lie. The wife knows him all too well, and this bothers him.
• “She’s a nag.” This may be true in some regard. But, as a couples’ therapist, I can tell you that the more one partner withdraws and avoids, the more the spouse nags, pokes, and pushes for intimacy, connection, and closeness.
• “She doesn’t appreciate me.” This one often has some truth to it as well. It does not excuse the cheating behavior, however. Cheating is not a solution to the marital problem.
• “She is mentally ill.” It is possible his wife is physically or mentally ill (or both). Your man may worry about how his wife will decompensate if he leaves. He may also worry about a severe reaction or breakdown.
If he tells you they are both unhappy but won’t divorce, you may hear these reasons:
• “I can’t afford to get a divorce.” Facing significant financial changes can definitely be a barrier to seeking a divorce. Many husbands worry about how they will support two separate households or pay alimony. Wives also worry about how they will live off drastically reduced incomes. There may be other money-related intricacies as well. Finances can keep two unhappily married people together.
• “My wife is ill.” A man usually will not leave a wife with a chronic medical illness or a wife who is fragile. He may also stay if she is at risk of suicide or deep depression.
• “I will never see my kids.” He may fear that his wife will alienate him from the kids or that he will not get fair visitation rights. He may even have discussed this with a lawyer and have good reason to be scared. Or he may tell you, “I will scar my kids.” He is afraid of the harm and upheaval it will cause for his children. He wants an intact household and believes it is best for the children if he does not divorce.
• “Leaving my wife for you will negatively affect my career / my reputation / what friends and family think of me / what clients or customers think of me.”
Courting Disaster
When involved with a married man, you are courting disaster. This disaster will likely be one of three things: (1) he’ll dump you; (2) his wife will find out, and he’ll drop you; or (3) he’ll leave his wife for you, and together you’ll crash and burn. Let’s take a look at each of these three scenarios.
Why would this man dump you? Remember, even traditional relationships end for various reasons. He might dump you if he feels too pressured to commit to you or spend time with you. He might dump you because his guilty conscience gets the best of him. He might dump you because he basically doesn’t love you anymore. Let’s say your man’s wife finds out. Or, she kinda, sorta, knew something was up but didn’t act on that intuition until now. What if she goes ballistic and seeks revenge on you?
Marcy found out her husband, Dan, the CEO of a highly respected nonprofit organization, was cheating on her with an employee. She stormed into his office one day and literally destroyed it in a rage. He was fired on the spot along with the woman at work he was cheating with. The incident blew them both out of their fantasy world in an instant. He had to search for jobs all across the country because his reputation was destroyed. He couldn’t afford the nice family home anymore and moved into a small apartment with a roommate. What had happened created fodder for gossip for a long time after. This may seem like an extreme example, yet it does happen, and it can easily happen to you.
If your man’s wife finds out, he will be faced with making a decision whether to stay or go. The energy that goes into this decision is immense. He may very well have feelings for both you and his wife. But he made a commitment to his wife, and if he has children with her, he is very likely going to lean into the marriage, not out of it. Regardless, this will create a severe crisis and much turmoil for him. He may even go into marriage therapy with his spouse at this point. In fact, he may want you to “wait in the wings” while he tries this out. I have seen men come to therapy with their wives, blown away by how devastated their wives are over the affair. The men didn’t know how much their wives loved them before this. Often, they both realize that they took each other for granted.
Steve had been married to Kate for fifteen years. They had two kids. He wasn’t unhappy with Kate, but in his mind, she seemed to constantly want romance and intimacy. She always wanted to talk, to improve their communication. As a relatively withdrawn guy, Steve didn’t like to talk about their problems. If he was angry at Kate, he thought it would be better to just ignore it and let things settle down.
Steve met Jodi at work. He found her easy to have a relationship with. She never brought up anything serious and was a lot of fun. Steve, being unable to maturely communicate with his wife, had this affair to get some relief from the seriousness of day-to-day family life. Kate did find out about the affair and was devastated. All she’d done was try to love Steve. She had no idea why he would do this to her.
The story you get from your man, or what you piece together with limited information, is not the entire truth. Most importantly, you deserve someone fully available to be your partner. You also deserve honesty and transparency and should not settle for less than that, ever.
Several chapters of this book explore the reasons women stay with unavailable men. However, regarding the man who is married, we also need to examine some additional special circumstances that may keep you hooked. The foremost special circumstance is the promise of commitment or marriage or that he will leave his wife for you down the road. Your view-point on this notion may vary. In his eyes, your relationship might be a long-term ongoing secret affair. In your eyes, it is a love affair, and there is hope that commitment will come. He may even offer a time frame. You will likely see this time frame get pushed back over and over. You might hear a lot of reasons why it can’t happen soon. Meanwhile, you wait and wait and wait. If you desire children, you might be forced to give up on this, too, while waiting. Again, you deserve a fulfilling life. Your goals must be front and center and supported by a life partner instead of compromised by him.
Let’s say that, as a result of failed marriage therapy, a midlife crisis, or his own personal decision, he does leave his wife for you. Unfortunately, your relationship with him is probably doomed to fail. It may seem cynical of me to say this, but I assure you, this is the honest, direct, and realistic assessment of what will most likely occur. As noted earlier, only the tiniest of chances exists for the relationship to succeed if it began as an affair — a possibility so slim that I can’t in good conscience advise you to bet on it.
This relationship is doomed to fail for several reasons:
Reason #1: The relationship got off to a troubling start. It was based on deceit and dishonesty. Does that sound like a good beginning to you? I am not sure if any woman (or man) looking for love would ever say, “I would like a dishonest person.”
Reason #2: You have been living in a fantasy world. You got his best side. You two have always done something fun, romantic, or sexual. There has likely also been much novelty, which added to the rush of endorphins you got whenever you saw him. You did not get to see everything about him, and therefore you have built up a certain false image of him.
Reason #3: You will now be involved in his day-to-day life. If he’s in a crisis over choosing you over his marriage, he will not be as present, fun, or exciting. He may even start to have difficulty sexually. You will get to see all his habits, quirks, and moods. You may decide you don’t like them. You may decide you don’t like him.
Reason #4: He may realize you are not right for him now that he is with you full-time. If he’s like many cheating men, you served a purpose while he was married, but now you are no longer needed. Or, he (or you) will decide you both are not a match now that you are in a regular relationship.
Reason #5: His extended family, children, and friends will dislike you. You will be seen as a home-wrecker or worse. You may not be welcomed by his family and friends. If he gets serious about choosing to marry or live with you, are you ready to be a stepmother? How well do you think this transition is going to go over with the children? Having stepchildren puts significant stress on even the healthiest remarriages.
Reason #6: Good men do not cheat. They work on the problems in their marriages. He will not magically morph into a good guy just because he is now with you. His behavior — call it immoral, narcissistic, egotistical, or just plain being a jerk — is part of him, whether he’s married, divorced, or single.
Reason #7: Will you ever really trust him? Now that you’ve got the guy, do you feel deep down that he would not choose to have another affair, with someone else? You might not be able to let your guard down and relax even though he is with you now.
Reason #8: You will be forever branded as the “other woman.” Anyone who has met you or knows you by way of these circumstances will never view you differently. It may seem unfair, but this is powerful stuff and one of those things that can stay with you.
Reason #9: You might feel extreme culpability over what has happened. If he is now an outcast according to his family and friends, you might feel terrible about it. This guilt is actually healthy, because it means you have now realized you were part of creating this problem. You did do something wrong. However, the guilt can seriously eat away at you and cast a dark cloud over your head.
Reason #10: His former wife will still be in your life if they have children. If the discovery of the affair and the resultant divorce was a shock to her, you might become the target of her anger. Inside, she may still feel shock and despair. Her world has crumbled, and she is grieving. This may affect you directly or indirectly if she continues to make her ex-spouse miserable.
You may have begun to recognize that you are entitled to more than an already-taken man. So how do you get yourself out? Perhaps you have tried a few times only to be lured back in. You may have been experiencing a lot of ambivalence about this arrangement. Or you may still be hoping things will end somehow, some way, with your heart intact.
If you have made the decision to do what it takes to get out, I applaud you. To make this happen, you will have to take a good hard look at yourself. You will need to understand the underlying reasons that you got caught up in something like this. The same applies if you are in any other kind of unhealthy relationship, whether it involves emotional unavailability, abuse, addiction, or any type of toxic behavior. You need an in-depth understanding of why you engage in specific unhealthy behaviors or you’ll be destined to repeat them, maybe not in exactly the same circumstances, but in similar ones.
