Читать книгу The Rules 2: More Rules to Live and Love By - Ellen Fein - Страница 6

You’ve been friends for ages. Now, for whatever reason, you’ve decided he’s The One. Can you turn a friend into a boyfriend?

Only if he really always liked you, but you or circumstances prevented the friendship from developing further. For example, you never wanted anything more until recently, or you were both dating other people. Maybe you couldn’t imagine him as a boyfriend because of age differences (he’s much older or younger than you), personality differences (he’s artsy, you’re a business-type), or you come from different backgrounds.

How can you be sure he always liked you as more than a friend if you’ve just been friends?

There are certain things a friend does or says when he is drawn to you. For example:

He always just happens to be in your neighborhood or business area. He likes to watch Friends in your apartment. He likes your TV set better. If you are coworkers, he’s frequently drinking water from the fountain near your desk. If you’re in college, he’s always hanging out outside of your dorm room or is often at the dining hall when you’re there.

The bottom line: when a man is attracted to you, he finds ways—excuses—to be near you. We’re not exaggerating when we say, whoever’s near you likes you! You don’t have to look far or wide to find him. He’s always hanging around. You can’t get rid of him!

When a friend wants to date you, he doesn’t talk about other women, even if he’s dating someone else. He never seems to notice other women, even your very attractive friend. If, in fact, he is attracted to other women, he tells everyone but you. Around you, the words will just not come out, they stick in his throat.

While he’s private about his own love life, he wants to know about yours and asks a lot of questions. He wants to know the type of guy you like to date and what you like to do on Saturday night. He makes it sound as if he’s just curious, no big deal, of course, but he’s really figuring out how he’s going to use that information to make a move one day. He thinks anyone you’re dating is not good enough for you. He’ll even put them down (“His father got him the job.”).

When a male friend is really interested in you, he tries to be helpful. He offers to show you how to play tennis or how to work the computer. He might help you move your stuff from one apartment to another or listen to your work or roommate problems without expecting anything in return. In fact, he never expects you to help him with anything, unless it’s an excuse to stay connected to you.

If he likes you as more than a friend, he’ll tease you, flirt with you, and make you laugh. He thinks your short-comings are cute.

He means more than he says. He tries to be cool around you, but he’s really quite nervous.

When a male friend is not interested in you romantically, he behaves quite differently. He’s calm, rational, matter-of-fact. You can take everything he does and says at face value.

He asks you for advice about dating another woman because he really wants your advice! He’s simply interested in a woman’s perspective. He’s not secretly in love with you or bringing it up to get closer to you. He talks freely about liking other women. He might even say in front of you, “She’s really cute.” He doesn’t think he could be hurting your feelings because you’re his friend. You’re like his sister—there’s no sexual undercurrent.

When a male friend likes you as a friend, he’s not that interested in your love life. He’s satisfied with your friendship. If you’re not dating anyone, he might offer to fix you up with someone, but he doesn’t want to go out with you himself. He doesn’t want to start anything, he feels no spark.

If you’re having a problem with the guy you’re dating, he will try to help you “work it out,” as opposed to helping you get out of the relationship! He’s not angry if he sees you with other men because he’s not interested in you romantically. He wants to see you happy. If he’s a little jealous when you have a boyfriend, it’s in the same way a close girlfriend might be. Your relationship reminds him of what he doesn’t have and takes time away from your friendship with him. It’s a friendship loss, not a romantic loss. This, however, doesn’t mean he wants you. You’d know if he did—if you thought about it honestly or read this chapter.

When a male friend is just a friend, he helps you as much as you help him. He’ll show you how to read a financial statement, you’ll teach him how to cook. Everything’s dutch treat. It’s a mutually beneficial relationship.

A male friend might even be your best friend—someone who would be there in a pinch if you ever needed him. He would lend you money to pay your rent, visit you in the hospital if you had an accident, or come to the funeral if a family member died. But he doesn’t look down the street when you walk away, try to stare at you when you’re not looking, or secretly dream about having sex with you. And such feelings on a man’s part are essential in the beginning of a romantic relationship!

If he likes you only as a friend, there is nothing you can do about becoming his girlfriend. Don’t try to convince him by having a heart-to-heart talk about your feelings because it will probably put a strain on your friendship. He will feel awkward or sorry for you, but he still won’t feel a spark. He may try a “let’s sleep together” once or twice. But it won’t mean much to him and you, if not both of you, will come to regret it.

Worse yet, the two of you may decide to date or even get married at your initiation. But because he never felt a spark, your marriage will be more of a friendship and if you want more than that you will constantly be unhappy. You will be doubting your looks and your sexuality and complain, “He never notices me.” Your self-confidence really plummets when you sleep with or get involved with a man who only really wanted a friendship. It’s a bad road to travel. Don’t even try it.

Just do The Rules—not to get him to like you since you can’t—but for your self-esteem. Do The Rules so that your whole life isn’t about this unavailable friend. Don’t call him. When he calls, get off the phone in ten minutes. Don’t play therapist when he talks about his girlfriend problems. More important, try to meet other men. You’re better off forcing yourself to go to social events to meet your possible husband than forcing yourself on this friend.

But if you think he may be interested in you, you can casually mention that you’re having boyfriend problems, not seeing your boyfriend anymore or that you’re not dating anyone in particular. See how he reacts. If he’s interested, he’ll ask you out, and then start doing The Rules.

Don’t talk to him like a friend—like Elaine on Seinfeld—but be light, feminine, and mysterious. Don’t tell him all your problems. Don’t start pursuing him with calls, notes, and dinner invitations. Don’t think you can say or do anything you want—call him whenever you feel like it or suddenly try to increase the time you spend together—because you were platonic friends. Concentrate on making your relationship a Rules relationship. Keep in mind, the dynamics will be a little different now. For example, if he’s from out-of-town and used to crashing on your couch when he visits you, now you should be the first to say, “It’s been great, but I have a really big day tomorrow,” and end the evenings first.

Now that you want him, you may be tempted to go to the other extreme—call him all the time, talk about your change of heart, refer to him as your soul mate, talk about marriage or the future—and drive him away. Men don’t like to be overwhelmed, even by women they like.

Many women who wake up one day and decide that their male friend is their soul mate have been known to come on too strong and overwhelm their friend. Remember, part of the reason he liked you is that you didn’t really notice him, and never pursued him! You’ve been a challenge—not because you were trying to do The Rules—but because you were truly not interested. You were naturally indifferent.

Therefore, when you start to date, you must not let the fact that he always liked you stop you from doing certain rules. For example, don’t see him at the last minute or all the time. Don’t start knitting him sweaters or talk about marriage or moving in. Okay, you’ve decided he’s The One. But until he’s decided you’re The One and courts you and proposes, you have to do The Rules—or you might ruin a good thing!