Читать книгу The Rules 2: More Rules to Live and Love By - Ellen Fein - Страница 9

The office is one of the trickiest places to follow The Rules because if you are dating someone at work, your professional life and your love life may overlap to some extent. Therefore, you must do The Rules strictly so you don’t place your job or your relationship (or both) in jeopardy.

Of course, the first rule is to figure out whether or not you are actually in an office romance. A lot of men like to flirt with women at the office. They don’t think twice about it, it means nothing to them and it should mean nothing to you! (See Chapter 4: “Don’t Waste Time on Fantasy Relationships.”)

If you have a crush on someone in your office—a coworker, employee, or your boss—and he’s never asked you out, don’t try to get his attention. Some dating books have suggested you drink from the water cooler near his office or use the copier closest to his desk or even ask him out to lunch to discuss business. The Rules say, do your job and look your best. Don’t look for excuses to talk to him or walk by his desk. (You shouldn’t have to do any of these things to make him notice you. He either notices you or he doesn’t!)

Don’t tell yourself that he would have asked you out if you didn’t work for the same company. There are enough office romances out there to refute that theory. As we have stated, if it is not a company code, bosses have no problem dating employees and even their own secretaries if they want to. On the other hand, don’t count on working for the same company to be the spark that will unite you. Don’t stay at the company hoping that one day he will notice you and ask you out. We know women who waited in vain for years for that to happen. Rules girls don’t hold themselves back for a fantasy relationship.

Now assuming you are dating a coworker or even your boss, how should you act? Below are fourteen rules for office dating. Do them to the letter because you might have to see this man on a daily basis. There’s nothing worse than having to work with a man you dread seeing or who dreads seeing you everyday because you broke rules—or working with him after he drops you! These rules are not just good for the relationship, but for your company and your career. You’ll be a better worker if you’re not figuring out ways to be with him all day!

1. Do not go to work everyday, motivated by the prospect of seeing him or spending time with him, or you might act out on your feelings. Go to work thinking, how can I work hard today and contribute to my company—or at the very least, how can I not break The Rules. Try to be busy, as opposed to day-dreaming at your desk or, worse, finding reasons to talk to him or see him. (When the urge to stop by his office hits you, begin a new project or stop by a friend’s desk to say hello.) If he stops by your desk, be nice, but end the conversation after five or ten minutes unless it’s business-related. Just pick up the papers on your desk and say, “I’d better get back to work!”

2. Work hard, but don’t be such a tireless worker that you don’t care about your appearance. Don’t spend so much time at the office that you have no time for such mundane tasks as taking your clothes to the dry cleaner or getting a manicure. We know women who are smart and attractive, but you can’t help but notice the coffee stains on their blazers, their scruffy shoes, and untweezed eyebrows. Don’t be like that. You’re a Rules girl! Make sure you’re wearing fashionable suits and shoes—you want to look as good as you can! Don’t wear pantyhose with runs in them—keep extra pairs in your desk drawer in case they rip at work. Shine your shoes. Wear makeup and perfume, but not too much. (It’s an office, not a disco!) Remember, you’re a creature unlike any other and you care about your looks. Do all of this for yourself, but also because you could run into him or someone else at the office.

3. Do not agree to see him on a moment’s notice just because you work together. If he stops by your desk and casually asks you to have lunch with him that day or to have drinks after work that evening, say you’d love to, but can’t. Even if you are free for lunch or drinks, don’t see him on short notice. He should be asking you out in advance for the weekend.

If you see him on a whim, the relationship will become too casual. He won’t think you’re special enough to plan in advance to see you. In addition, if you allow the relationship to be on a coworker level, it could take him years to propose. We know a very attractive woman who accepted last-minute dates from a man she worked with. Several times a week at 6:00 P.M. he would drop by her desk and suggest having drinks. She always said yes. He also couldn’t commit to Saturday night dates until Friday or Saturday because he “wasn’t sure what he was doing.” She accepted his behavior because she didn’t know there was a better way. It took him six years to propose and their marriage is troubled; he never seems to really make the effort, and she feels taken for granted. So, just because you work at the same company doesn’t mean he can see you whenever he feels like it. Don’t make it so easy for him. He has to ask you out in advance—otherwise, you’re busy! If you work closely together, you should sometimes disappear at lunch hour. Don’t tell him where you’re going. Remember, he works with you and dates you—that can get a little all-consuming, so you must be doubly careful to remain a little mysterious!

4. Be discreet. Don’t talk about the relationship with coworkers. If anyone asks you what you did over the weekend, don’t say, “David and I went hiking.” Just say that you went hiking. Don’t answer any questions with “we.” It may hurt your career to be the subject of office gossip. It’s not good for the relationship, either, since no man likes to date a big mouth. Men love privacy. Anything coworkers know about the relationship should come from him! Likewise, don’t volunteer information to him. For example, don’t tell him where you’re going on a business trip or who you’re having a meeting with unless he specifically asks about either.

5. If you need to talk to the man you are dating about business—perhaps he’s your boss—by all means, talk to him! Always be professional and return his calls promptly if it is a business matter. Just check your motives. Is it really necessary to contact him, or are you looking for an excuse to be with him? For example, don’t knock on his door to tell him about concert tickets or a lecture on personal growth! If it is work-related, keep the conversation brief and end it first.

If possible, leave the information with his secretary or in his “in box.” Write any memos or notes in a businesslike manner. Do not leave love-notes or cute Post-it’s on his desk. If he needs to talk to you, he can always come to your office or leave you a note!

6. He can E-mail you as much as he wants, but don’t E-mail him back every time unless it is business-related. On all nonbusiness E-mails, once for every four of his E-mails is a good rule of thumb. Remember, keep your E-mails brief and breezy and stick to business. This is important, because you never know who has access to your E-mail—it may be read by the head of the company, so keep all romance off the screen and save it for Saturday nights.

7. Don’t snoop around his office. You shouldn’t even be near his office! Don’t ask his secretary who calls him or who he’s having lunch with and where. It’s none of your business. Besides, she might tell him and he will be annoyed and resent it.

8. Don’t make your office a shrine to your relationship. Don’t put his photo in a frame on your desk or keep the teddy bear he gave you for Valentine’s Day in your office after February 14. It’s best to be businesslike.

Speaking of your office, be neat. Neat is sexy. No one likes to date a slob. So don’t be a pack rat. Don’t have piles of paper on your desk or stash half-eaten sandwiches in your desk drawer. Don’t collect objects or hang memorabilia on the walls. Don’t decorate your office like a college dorm room. Don’t be cute or juvenile. Be professional.

9. Don’t kiss or hold hands at the office. Not only is it unprofessional, it’s not good for The Rules. He has to ask you out on a date to kiss you or spend quality time with you. Don’t agree to go to a hotel with him during your lunch hour. That’s not a date and he won’t respect you (and you’ll come back from lunch looking rumpled and unbusinesslike). No one wants a reputation—be careful that you don’t earn one. Again, he has to ask you out for the weekend for you to take dating him seriously!

10. Don’t sleep with your boss or coworker unless you’re in a committed relationship—not just for sex and not to further your career. Bad motives tend to backfire.

Keep in mind that The Rules don’t stop because you’re out of town. If you’re on a business trip together and it would be easy to have sex because you’re staying at the same hotel—still say no if you’re not in a committed relationship. It may seem tempting—you are away from the office, and who will know? But remember, eventually you have to return home—back to reality—and you’ll regret sleeping with him if he isn’t serious about you or ignores you when you return to the office.

11. Don’t hang out at the office at the end of the day or go to happy hour with the gang after work. You do not want to be thought of as the office party girl, but the kind of girl men marry. And of course don’t get drunk at the office Christmas party or at any other party. It’s hard to do The Rules when you’re drunk!

12. If you work in different cities for the same company, let him travel to visit you three times before you visit him. If you’re sent to his city on business, don’t mention getting together. He must suggest making plans. If things do get serious, you shouldn’t relocate until you have a commitment/wedding date.

13. Don’t stay at the company just because he works there. If you are not happy with your job or are interested in other opportunities, pursue them. We don’t hold ourselves back for a man. If it’s good for your career to leave the company, go! Doing what’s good for you will also show him you’re independent, not clingy. It might make him miss you and propose faster because he can’t see you everyday.

14. Do not suggest commuting together even if you live near each other and work at the same company. It must be his suggestion and you should turn him down sometimes just so he doesn’t take you for granted and so you can remain mysterious.

Married women have written to us asking how they should behave if they work with their husbands.

We hope they were either already working together when they met, or that it was their husband’s idea to work together. Women should never suggest working with their husbands as a way of spending more time with them or checking up on them. It’s not The Rules, and men hate it. You should only work with your husband if there is a legitimate reason to and/or it was his idea.

Regardless of why you are working together, here are five rules:

1. Do not suggest sharing an office or putting your desks near each other. Any togetherness must come from him.

2. Do not be the one to suggest commuting together.

3. Do not suggest having lunch together. You both need some time apart during the day.

4. Don’t spy on him, don’t ask his secretary who called, or get upset if he talks to other women.

5. Don’t bring up personal business at the office and discourage him if he does. Be professional. Do your job!