Читать книгу The Rules 2: More Rules to Live and Love By - Ellen Fein - Страница 7

If you are someone who read The Rules and thought, “If only I had done The Rules on my old boyfriend” or “So that’s why he wouldn’t commit!” then this chapter is for you.

You may not have seen him in months or even years, but now you’re convinced he could have been The One. You didn’t know any better and you blew it … and now you could kick yourself! If only you had known The Rules back then!

You want him back. At the very least, you want to give the relationship a second chance. You want to do The Rules this time and see what happens. You’re wondering if there’s any hope. You want to know what to do next, if anything.

Before you make a move, take a deep breath, calm down, and forgive yourself. Realize that what you’re going through is very common—regretting the past, wishing you had behaved differently with a certain man, thinking he’s the one that got away and you’ll never meet anyone better. We’ve received hundreds of letters from women that begin with: “I wish I had had this book ten years ago when I was dating (fill in the blank).” These women either just didn’t know they should behave a certain way with men, or they instinctively knew they should but didn’t have the strength to do it without specific guidelines and support.

Of course all you care about now that you’ve read The Rules is, can you get him back?

It depends.

If you initiated the relationship—spoke to him first, asked him out—and he eventually ended it, then it’s not only over, it was never meant to be. Don’t call him or write him or try to contact him in any way to say you’ve changed and want a second chance. He didn’t really want you in the first place. Forget him and move on!

But if he pursued you and you broke rules—for example, you were possessive, saw him every night, or moved in with him and he broke it off because he felt suffocated—there may be hope. There’s one way to find out and we call it “One Call for Closure.”

Call him once when you’re sure he’s not home, so you get his answering machine. Calling when he’s not in is crucial; you don’t want to make him uncomfortable if he doesn’t want to hear from you or is involved with someone else or even married. Leaving a message also allows him to call you if and when he wants to, which is the best start for any conversation between you. Your message gives him time to think and the option of not calling, which you must give him. Of course, if his answering machine says, “We’re not home right now” and you hear a woman’s voice chiming in, do not leave a message. Leave him alone and go on with your life.

Assuming he’s not involved with someone, we suggest you leave the following message: “Hi, it’s (your name). I just wanted to say hello, to see how you’re doing. You can reach me at (phone number).” That’s it!

If you don’t hear from him, it’s over. Don’t call again to make sure he got the message. He got the message. His answering machine isn’t broken. Don’t write him or track him down at work, home, his favorite bar, or the gym. That’s called stalking. Forget all about him and move on. You must work on accepting the way he feels and not dwelling on the past and what might have been. Don’t berate yourself; if you were supposed to end up with him, you would have. Tell yourself there’s someone else out there for you, try to date others, and keep doing The Rules.

If he does call, don’t automatically assume he’s rekindling the romance. He might just be returning your call, being polite, nothing deep. So try not to get too excited or show how happy you are to hear from him. Be cool, cordial. Say, “Oh hi. How are you?” Don’t say, “I was hoping you’d call.”

If he asks why you called, just say, “Oh, I just wondered how you were doing and wanted to say hello.” Keep the conversation light … business, vacations, and so on. Don’t ask him if he ever thinks about you or misses you, if he’s seeing anyone new. After ten minutes, say, “Well, I have to get going. It was nice talking to you.” Don’t stay on the phone for thirty minutes or an hour, waiting and hoping he will suggest drinks. If he doesn’t ask you out within ten minutes, he’s not interested. Remember, if he is interested but needs more than ten minutes to ask out an ex-girlfriend, he can always call you again!

If he does ask you out, say yes if it’s for a future date—it need not be a Saturday night the first time you meet, but it should be at least three days in advance. You want to let him know that your life didn’t stop since the two of you split and that your calendar is full.

Your first date with an ex-boyfriend is very much like a first date with a man you just met. It’s almost like a new relationship, so let him pick you up and take you out.

Look very, very good when you meet him. Extra care with your makeup, pretty outfit. Don’t dress down as if it’s your 200th date, even if technically, it is. Be light, casual, upbeat. Needless to say, don’t have a heavy discussion about your relationship or the past, unless he brings up the subject. Even if he talks about the way it was, try not to dwell on it. Discuss general topics such as what you have both been doing professionally, if he still runs three miles every morning, and so on. Keep the date on a “let’s catch up” level, as opposed to “what you’ve been through since the breakup” level. By the way, you should not tell him how much or how little you’ve dated since the breakup. Be honest, but mysterious.

Don’t get terribly serious. Don’t tell him that you now realize all the mistakes you’ve made since the relationship with him ended and how much you’ve changed and how you want another chance. It’s too intense. Besides, it’s easy to tell someone how much you’ve changed. The important part is actually being a changed person when he dates you!

Don’t tell him that you’ve read The Rules and now realize what you did wrong—that you were too needy, that you shouldn’t have gotten mad when he went out with the guys, and that you’ll never be that way again. Simply be light. Try to be the girl he originally fell in love with.

End the date first.

Don’t go back to his apartment or invite him up to yours or even think of having sex with him that night. Remember, this is a first date. If anything, you must be extra strict with this man. He dumped you once, he can hurt you again.

If this is to be a Rules relationship, he must call you and ask you out for Saturday night from now on. Seeing you either awakened a desire to date you again and to renew the relationship, or it didn’t. The only way to find out is if he calls you and asks you out. You should not ask him if he missed you or if he wants to get back together. If he is to pursue you, he should not know exactly how you feel about him. He should think, “She called me one day. She might be interested, but I’m not sure. Maybe she was just bored or found an old photo of us.” Remain mysterious—if he thinks that you’ve decided he’s The One, he could get scared.

If he calls, you must do all The Rules outlined in our first book, specifically, “How to Act on Dates 1, 2, and 3” and “How to Act on Dates 4 through Commitment Time.” Treat him like a new boyfriend—don’t talk about the past or act too chummy. For example, you should not call his family, even if you met his parents and sister twenty times when you were dating. Remember, you’ve been apart. He has to invite you to any social events with his family and friends all over again.

If you meet him for dinner and he never calls again, he may not have felt a strong enough spark. Maybe he thought about it, but never got around to picking up the phone. Men can be that way. Maybe he’s involved with someone else, but didn’t tell you and met you for old time’s sake.

We know of several women who contacted old boyfriends for various reasons—to make amends for the past, to discuss a business problem, or to try to start over. In each case, these men met them for drinks, said they had a great time and hoped they could stay good friends, and then never called again.

We can only say that if this happens to you, you must try to accept that it’s over for him and move on.

Now what if this man happens to be your ex-husband and you’ve decided you want him back?

Again, it depends. If he initiated the divorce, you can make “One Call for Closure” and then follow the plan (outlined above) for getting back an ex-boyfriend. But don’t start making room in your closet. When a man initiates a divorce, he’s usually gone! It’s over and out.

However, if you initiated the divorce but are now sorry and miss him, there is hope, especially if you are still in contact with your ex and sense that he would be open to a reconciliation—maybe you have kids together and he lingers a while when he comes by on weekends to pick them up or just seems to find reasons to call you, to be friends, to be in your life. But you’re wondering, how do you go about telling him you want him back without making a fool of yourself or risking rejection?

We suggest you simply weave the following question into a friendly conversation the next time you see him or he calls: “Have you ever had second thoughts about our divorce?”That’s it. Don’t say another word. Don’t get sentimental and weepy and pour your heart out. He must take it from there, give you some indication that he would also like a reconciliation, whether it be then or at some point in the future when he’s had a chance to sort it out. Whatever you do, don’t rush him. Let him proceed at his own pace. He may suggest having dinner or drinks to talk things over, but these must be his overtures. You’ve done your part. Now it’s up to him.

We’ve outlined our suggestions for getting back an ex. But don’t be too upset if your old boyfriend or ex-husband just won’t come back. Remember, there was a reason the relationship didn’t work out before, so don’t romanticize it. Also, comfort yourself with the knowledge that it’s usually easier to do The Rules on a new man than an ex.

Sometimes trying to rekindle an old flame works, but frequently the best advice we can give a woman who thinks she’s still in love with her ex is Next!